Is she afraid or just not attracted

karusel

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I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I(25)'ve met her(22) almost a month ago at some festival, we've talked for an hour, I suggested a date, she gave me her phone. I call a few days later, we talk for an hour, bye bye. Call her up again two days later, set up a date, friday at eight. As we met, she said she could only stay for an hour, since she had been, few days prior, invited to a birthday party of her friend's mother. Great. Next day, I went out with friends, then went home, had a funny feeling, send her an SMS, so an hour later we meet. Since it's pretty late, I suggest we just sort of drive around the town, so we did, for two hours.

Throughout there's been a good communication right from the start, we share a lot of opinions, we have lots in common. Except that she really fancies Hugh Grant and wants to take swing lessons.

Now the next date was the actually real first date, we went to a nice place, drank a good bottle of wine, which took us six hours. She talks constantly, well, unless I do, then she listens really good. As I drop her off at her place I get a kiss. On the cheek. Jesus Christ. Before I could have said something stupid like, hey, what, that it?? She'd already be halfway to her apartment.

After that, another date, no alcohol this time, I get a kiss on the lips.

Next date, a really real french kiss.

So, just a reminder, this happened in a timeline of 3 weeks. With all the talking she does, I cannot say she got really honestly personal, intimate, if you will. Sure she told me about her insanely tall sister, and how her parents divorced 2 years ago and about her grandmothers and so on and so on, but there's like a wall between us. Why? Out of fragments she told me on differend occasions, she's had a boyfriend for 2 years, he ended up the relationship and like she said, she needed a year to get over it. Also she was twice talking about relationships and the times we live in, so basically, she was saying it is dangerous to open up. Oh, and also, she lacks self confidence, but masks it rather good in general, she has pointed out how overweight she is on several occasions, and despite I generally like really skinny girls, her, perhaps 5 extra kg, honestly doesn't bother me at all.

So far, she had only ONCE sent me an SMS without my iniciative, it is always me who calls or asks for a date. It has to be noted, that she accepts that, tries her best to find a hole in her schedule (which also involves meeting her girl-friends) and furthermore sacrifices her much needed sleeping time since she is in college and has to do all sorts of stuff, besides exams.

Last time we went out was last saturday, on sunday we exchanged a few SMS messages, I started, I finished. Since then, no sign of her.

Now I'm really not sure if waiting for her to give off any kind of sign is right, but it's driving me crazy. I mean, how f*****g difficult is it to send a g*****n message or to autodial and talk to me for a minute? Oh, I guess it would take too much time. That, or maybe she just doesn't care.

I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to think or what to do. I know she's right for me, so right, it's not even scary anymore and in my humblest of opinions, we could really make it. But the real question is, what am I to her? What am I? Just some guy, she somehow likes to spend time with and kisses him because she's sort of.. supposed to?

Please help...!
 

Desdinova

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Now I'm really not sure if waiting for her to give off any kind of sign is right, but it's driving me crazy.
You've only been on 3 dates with this woman, and you've already invested your emotions in her. You are a fool. Emotional investments are for LTRs. There is no point getting emotionally involved in a woman you've known for less than 2 months.

I know she's right for me, so right,
You haven't fvcked her, you haven't lived with her, and she's so damn perfect. If she's a fvcking slob that has aids, will she still be perfect for you? Get your head out of your cloud of emotions.
 

xblitz44x

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If she is accepting dates then what you worried about? Back up and stop the "Oh she's OH so right for me" garbage because it's only going to screw you up and distort your perception of what is really going on. So she doesn't call you that much, or at all? So what? If she's agreeing to go out with you and you have fun when you are with her then that is all that counts. Maybe she likes a guy that is in charge. This is what I'm talking about by distorting your vision. To us, we dont' see anything wrong with this picture. But to you, since you are SO into it, you take her not calling you as her not being into you and you're panicing and overreacting. Relax.

The fact that you have ONLY frenched kissed her might be because you haven't gone out with her enough or pushed forward enough to get physical with her. Next time you ask her out, set it up so that you wind up back at your place watching a movie. Have some wine or some other type of booze ready. Get her to loosen up, watch the movie, make your move. Let things escalate. Push things until she stops you. Then rest there until next time.

Next time take it further, until she stops you. it should be a step further. Work your way up until enough meetings have elapsed that she has convinced herself that she isn't a wh0re if she fvcks you.
 

karusel

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God damn it. She's got so little time, college, work, and the rest is split up between her friends, lots and lots of friends, and her f*****g huge f*****g family, her grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles and god knows who else, making some silly parties she just HAS to attend to... Jesus tapdancing Christ! I'm getting so frustrated. As if she doesn't have any time for me. It seems egoistical but the way she got set up her things, don't allow her a relationship. I don't get to be with her tomorrow, when it's goddamn Christmas eve, for Christ's sake, and she might have some time this monday. I can't wait, really. I would totally understand this if she was single, cool, you get involved with as much stuff as you can, but dudes, when you get to be in a relationship you have to give something up, or do I see this totally skewed. What am I to her, solitaire? That she plays when there is noting better to do???

I could break some things right now. Argh!!!!!!11 I'm so pissed off... helpless.

P.S. I have never seen her in daylight.
 

christz

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i don't think you have the PRIVLEAGE of spending time with a chick on christmas eve if you've only known her for less than 2 months and only been on a few dates. that's insane.

just like it would be insane if you bought her anything on christmas.
 

karusel

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Then I'm insane. Twice. I wanted to give her some framed photo that I'd made. Indeed, now that I think of it, she didn't really deserve nothing, so 'll scratch that.

And it's not just about Xmas... ****, I don't know.. with you Americans, contemplating whether or not having sex on the first date is ok or not, perhaps calling me insane is a bit excessive. My previous girlfriends were sort of, faster into it, now I got a feeling it's going so slow, I don't know anymore if I'm going forwards or backwards or just in small circles. I'm not gonna call her no more, when she does, I won't suggest a damn date and I won't even think about asking about New Year's eve. If she wants us to be together, fine, if not, that's cool too, I just want to know where I stand and right now I'm in a town called Nowhere, population 1.
 

Wiesman44

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Damn it man. Its practically X-mas. People have agendas. People have family to see, presents to buy, traveling to do. X-mas and then New Years is around around the corner.

There's not gonna be that much time. Hell, I have two **** buddies (yah im lucky), and in school they ALWAYS had time once or twice a week. I get out of college for winter break, and now they don't have any time, and i've called a few times only to be brushed aside. R they not interested anymore ? I doubt it. Its just being busy.


Now on the otherhand, if you've hung out a few times, she's well aware of you're intentions. She's not stupid. If she's making no attempt to do anything, or promise to in a week, or not even calling you, I'd drop it for a week or so. Call her back next year (sounds odd huh, lol), and then see whats going on.

If she's still too busy she's not worth your time.
 

karusel

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Perhaps you may be right, but there are other factors to consider.

First, her schedule was 'full' since the moment I've met her and she kept it up this way. If you have too many things to do that you can't fit into the 24 hour day, well, then I guess you are going to have to do only that what you want more, unless of course you have to be somewhere. You think it's allright for a girl to keep flipping pages of her calendar saying: Ummm... yeah, I'm gonna have some time next month, 20th.. 8 pm, but then at 10 I have to go to a birthday party? If you want to be with someone you make time, get it?

Then there's the apathy I'm feeling from her, yeah, she talks like the goddamned rain, and when I say rain I mean cats and dogs rain, and I even like that, but the now traditional kissing *only* at the end of the date is sort of.. because it's supposed to happen not because she would really want it.

I can tell you this, I won't bare with this s*** much longer, after New Year if things don't dramatically improve, I'll face her with my thoughts on that matter.
 

Jariel

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If she catches a glimpse of your desperation and frustration you will scare her away...if you haven't already done so. Women hate posessive and desperate guys. You should read the DJ Bible.

Dating should be slow and casual to begin with. You can't expect a girl to be devoted to you after a few dates.

Chill out or you will lose out!
 

karusel

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Thanx, I will try to do so.
 

catch

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yeah man, and by the way,
it sounds like your the one being don jauned,

my advise would be to take control of your mind and emotion, take a break, and really dont call her, then you will find out where you stand if she rings you, and if she does tell her your busy, and will talk again soon, then you could take as long as you want to get hold of the situation..
 

karusel

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Well, maybe, but she did send me a 'Merry Xmas' etc. SMS today though. I had to reply, if I didn't want to be very rude, but otherwise I'm going ganji on her.
 

karusel

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:( :) :( :)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :) :( :)

We've spent the NY's eve together having a dinner at her friend's apartment, 3 couples altogether. Lots of fun, with a downer, a fight between the hosts.

My girl gives me good eyecontact at all times, communicates with me along with her friends, so I sort of guess she has to like me, but, all the kissing that we've had later out of the apartment, when we went to see fireworks for an hour or so, as far as I can remember, was iniciated by me and I feel this.. lack of passion, commitment, you know, warmth; I couldn't say for sure there wasn't any of it there, but I am absolutely positive it was not enough, we were holding each other and hugging and all, when we were outside, but it was sort of, I don't know, 'supposed to be' this way, not because she would honestly want to. Oh and please note that for some good part of the night she was pretty drunk. So I reckon if she had any sort of breaks alcohol would free her of them.

She has a problem with her being overweight, since her constitution is really slim, she's got the most fragile fingers I've ever seen.. anywho, in conversation she mentions something about her weight almost everytime we meet.. at least once. Also she likes to keep her coat on for as long as possible, even if the place is really warm and when she takes it off, she likes to keep it in her lap (happened quite more than once). So I was thinking, maybe she's really ashamed of how she looks and feels uncomfortable and fears that I just might not like her if things progress to touching an stuff and I 'discover firsthand' that OMG, baby, you should really loose some pounds.

I'm praying it's that, otherwise she really isn't into me.

Also, she hasn't called me today and if I were psychic I'd say she'll send me some BS SMS sometime this week.

So my short term strategy will be not to call her or anything, I'll return calls if she does, however I will not propose another date and we won't meet until she will suggest we should. You think that's a good move?

If I don't get proper signals within this month, we're gonna have a little chat then, I believe.
 

Matt Rogers

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Honestly, man, you are scaring me off and I am 1000 miles away. Relax and take it slow. Girls hate pushy, controlling men. What the hell are you expecting-her to rip your clothes off every time she is in your presence?

She is agreeing to spend time with you, lets you hug and kiss her, and is not at all flaky. She may be shy, conservative or not willing to rush into a physical relationship. A lot of beautiful girls are very passive-it annoys me too, but you have to initiate everything.

Forget a silly strategy. Girls rarely initiate calls. Just try not to pressure her too much and lean back a bit. If you push her, she will run away.
 

karusel

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Well, then, if I'm supposed to initiate things, and that's allright, where does the 'pushy' begin?

How do I find the right balance? Is it better for me to wait for her call/SMS or to calll her myself, if latter, when? She's got some stuff to do for her monday and tuesday classes so I kind of don't want to jump in there, but OTOH, a ten minute conversation wouldn't kill her...

I would generally not have a problem waiting, but I've had a really bad experience in the past and my mistake was that I was too cool about it, you may wanna call this AFC. Besides, there's a thread here about how people wait before they get laid so someone said "max. 2 months, but it never took me more than 1 month" and I'm miles away from that - not that this were my goal, obviously LTR is. So hey, why am I scaring you off again?
 

karusel

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Erm... :confused: no. Should I??
 

sixtyfwee

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If you were still going after other women, none of her actions would seem so important - nor would for feel or perhaps come across as 'needy'

Besides having a couple of backups always makes sense
 
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