How do you justify getting married?

[americaninbangkok]

I'm curious to see your thoughts. Real talk, what did you expect to get from marriage vs. outside of it and did it turn out how you expected? I see nothing but heartache from every married couple I've ever known. I've been in the company of well-to-do families as well as those struggling (financially) and with those I've gotten to know and who subsequently opened up to me, it's always been the same story.

Somebody cheats.

Every. Single. Time.

In all these years I've never met a truly happy married couple. Plenty of them appear to be so on paper, but once they open up you see a bit of the ugly side. I had one in recent history which looked GREAT when you see them, but then you find out the wife has been cheating. She wanted to cheat on him with me. I just wasn't attracted enough to her and she plays a bigger role in my life which I don't want to jeopardize, so she went for one of my coworkers.

One of the girls I'm seeing asked me in bed last night what my thoughts were on fidelity (her careful way of having 'the talk') and I told her straight up I don't have an opinion about it. I've seen too much duplicity, too much 'backwards' behavior to believe that any of it is coincidence.

I'm now on my 4th year of being single (plenty of relationships/fwb, but nothing monogamous) and I couldn't be happier. I can see myself having a child in the next 10-15 years and ideally being in a relationship with the mother (possibly monogamous at that point), but marriage?

Why? Just why? I'm not trying to bash anyone who's married, but the more I see and learn the more I'm turned off from the idea, ever. Help me understand.

I didn't get married until I was 39. Before moving to Thailand I had a couple of long term relationships, lots of short term ones, and more one-nighters than I could remember. When I moved to Thailand I was around 32/33. For the first couple of years I went nuts, banging chicks to the point of daily exhaustion because of it. Every day was a revolving door of p-u-s-s-y. One went in, one went out.

After a while, it gets old. I got older. I did 100 chicks in 30 days and at the end of the month I was tired of the whole routine. I needed a break. I slowed down but kept nailing my fair share. So I definitely sowed my oats before getting married.

When I hooked up with my wife I had a pretty hot regular and a few other stragglers. At first, I didn't think our relationship was going anywhere. Slowly but surely she won me over. It took maybe a year before I was convinced and started thinking of her seriously.One night I had to make a choice between the hot regular and the wife. I chose the wife because I felt the regular was too flighty and liked to party a wee bit too much to my liking.

The old lady wasn't yappy or bossy, was a solid chick who was a team player, looked great, and we had always had good times together. After around three years, we got married, and she got pregnant. Then a year and a half she got pregnant again.

Sometimes marriage is easy and fun, sometimes it's rough. After all, you can't just think of yourself, especially with kids. I wanted kids...There are bills to pay, mouths to feed, and boys (or girls) to raise and prepare for life. Also, I was always traveling for work which made it tough.

But...once you get past the crappy diapers and the babies being blobs, it gets easier. Now my sons are 12 and almost 11 and they're getting to be where we can hang out together, tell jokes, laugh, and have fun. It's a good gig.

As far as the wife, she's like any woman...they have their moods. They have their times when you just leave em alone and don't bother with them and times when you have fun with them. But after two kids she hasn't gained any weight (maybe a kilo), she doesn't nag, she's quiet, and we want the same things out of life. Plus, I'm 50 and she's 36 - this works. She's not too young, not too old.

Now I'm looking forward to when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves and we can travel and live anywhere we want. It won't be long.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Thank you American in Bangkok, that was a refreshing read.

In a 3rd world country?????? seriously?????

Its nice when you belong to a 1st world country that provides free healthcare but for Americans, they don't have that. My friend up north fell into a cavern this past month. He is in a full body cast with several pieces of metal holding his body together. He has had various surgeries and been sewn back together in several places. He will likely be in the hospital 6 months. He is covering the entire cost of the hospital plus round the clock care, so far with all the surgeries it has added up to $1,500 dollars American. He figures by the time he gets out of the hospital he will have spent roughly $5,000. He has a private room, with WIFI and TV shows on demand and an on-call nurse. China's healthcare facilities aren't the greatest but they are certainly affordable.

In the USA he would be bankrupt for his entire life.

 

[americaninbangkok]

About ten years ago I was trapped in a fire. The firemen gave me a rope and I took it. The thing snapped and down I went from 14 meters up. I was in the hospital for a month and couldn't walk for more than 15 minutes for a year. That cost me $5000...I have insurance now, fortunately, but you always end up paying something...at least I do.

 

[Wolfgang D]

Somebody cheats.

Every. Single. Time.

Nope. Although that is a comfortable thought for the eternally single man.

In all these years I've never met a truly happy married couple. Plenty of them appear to be so on paper, but once they open up you see a bit of the ugly side.

People in relationships are not truly happy? And men living alone in their fifties are truly happy? No, they are not.

There is no perfection in life, whether as single or married.


Way back in the Stone Age, a few men got most of the women. Let's call them "alphas", not because they were better people in general, but because they could bash in the head of the competition. Whereas the "betas" had to share the least wanted women, if they got any at all. Marriage was a necessity for creating a society, and still is. The "betas" also got women, and since they make up the vast majority of men that meant a lot more children being born. Marriage, like trade, also allowed work distribution, which is necessary for greater efficiency. It also allowed for children to be protected and given more attention (protection, food, training, support) from their father.

There would be those who did not want relationships, but they would not pass on their genes as much as those who did. Those with strong instincts to be in a relationship would pass on their genes. That is why we have "love", that over-romanticized but still very real concept; it is a strong biological reaction, which serves to make a couple stay with each other. Few can live their lives without the strong support and comfort that comes from sharing that life with another person.



Are there unhappy married people? Of course; I expect all people to be unhappy. It is our nature to always want more. But from what I have seen, the ones who are still alone in their forties and later, are the least happy of all. They turn bitter. They turn obsessed. Typically they are all-around failures in life, with no friends and no career. Give them a hobby organization to join and they will obsess over it, claw their way to the top (because they are the ones with the most free time to spend on the hobby) and do anything to stay there, even if someone more qualified shows up - because it is all they have.

They will also always have that bitter undercurrent in their attitude toward people who are married with children and have a social life. They will do anything to drag down that kind of life. In this they act like the male version of feminists.

 

[techno1]

I don't recommend marriage to anyone.... ESPECIALLY if they want to have children.

A girl is totally different to a mother and the woman she will become.....

It's a total lottery....

and the odds are at least 5 to 1 against.... more than 1/2 end in divorce and at least 1/2 of what is left is miserable.....

you want to buy a $500,000 car and 4 out of 5 are going to break down with no warranty the day after you buy it....

get a bicycle buddy....

 

[americaninbangkok]

Fourteen years on the car hasn't broke down.

Be a real man, take chances, ride a motorcycle or buy the car that might break down once. Even Ferraris and thoroughbreds break down once in a while.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Are there unhappy married people? Of course; I expect all people to be unhappy. It is our nature to always want more. But from what I have seen, the ones who are still alone in their forties and later, are the least happy of all. They turn bitter. They turn obsessed. Typically they are all-around failures in life, with no friends and no career. Give them a hobby organization to join and they will obsess over it, claw their way to the top (because they are the ones with the most free time to spend on the hobby) and do anything to stay there, even if someone more qualified shows up - because it is all they have.

They will also always have that bitter undercurrent in their attitude toward people who are married with children and have a social life. They will do anything to drag down that kind of life. In this they act like the male version of feminists.

American in Bangkok and Wolfgang, you and I frequently disagree on things... on this however, you are spot on. I like your posts, everyone else go to hell.