Hooking up through the grapevine

[Deep Dish]

If there is one thing I have never been good at, it's getting hooked up through friends. I'm always told it's this marvelous strategy and even the most dreadful AFCs seem to herald it with praise. But yet whenever I've tried I always receive the canned response "I don't know anybody," which may individually be true but, c'mon, there must be someone who knows someone. The best I ever heard was "All my friends are either taken or they don't date." They don't go out on dates? Bullsh*t!

It always perplexed me as to why. Maybe they really didn't know anyone. Maybe they didn't know me well enough. Guy friends are horrible sources of hook-ups because if they are single they won't give up any quality ass and if they have a girlfriend they probably don't know any ladies outside of their girlfriend's or wife's social circle. Receiving a glowing recommendation from a girl is extremely potent social proof, leading me to think my struggle has been I just hadn't won over their opinions. However, it occurred to me a few short months ago that I usually am friends with women who aren't attracted to me. This made me wonder the role sexual attraction plays in the selector. Obviously, sexual attraction matters to the two parties being hooked-up, but what about to the woman who's throwing her friends into the fire? Obviously, then, sexual attraction must be the difference between her telling her friends "Well, um, he's a really nice guy" and "OMG! He's really funny, really cute, and really nice!"

I have a roommate whose girlfriend seems to like me, maybe a little more than him. I keep my respectful distance. Two weeks ago there was a house party and I briefly noticed one of her friends is right up my very narrow alley. I didn't have a chance to talk but I asked through the grapevine for a hook-up. I was very skeptical but surprisingly enough two days later I receive a playful note from her with her phone number. I've called her twice, volleyed around some text messages, and things are going surprisingly well. (She's 21 yrs old and the shaming has already begun. ) My point is whatever the roommate's girlfriend said of me, it must have been golden.

I'd be interested in hearing your opinions of perhaps why, other than now, I could never get friendly assistance.

 

[STR8UP]

I'd be interested in hearing your opinions of perhaps why, other than now, I could never get friendly assistance.

Can't really answer this, but I will say that when it comes to social proof there is a fine line between a chick outright WANTING you, and a chick seeing you in a sexual light but for whatever reason not being able to act upon it so she throws you a bone by hooking you up with her friends.

I've had this happen a few times, and it is usually where there is some attraction but she is already in a relationship, so it's almost like she hooks the friend up with you in order to live vicariously through her. One of my buddy's g/f's is great about this. She is loyal to her b/f, but I've always sensed attraction. It's the perfect situation because the women she hooks you up with feed off of the spark of the girl who plays cupid. It amps attraction x10. This is one of the reasons I highly recommend maintaining a stable of female "friends" who have at least a little attraction toward you. As long as they don't see you as a wussy boy, their attraction rubs off on other women.

The other situation that comes to mind is with the chick who dumped me to marry the dude she went to h/s with. Until she moved away, for MONTHS after we broke up, she would go on and on about our sex life to our entire group of friends. She had her new man, but she seemed to very much enjoy advertising me to the rest of the group, I am assuming so she can soak in the juicy details of what she can no longer partake of.

 

[Colossus]

Well your assessment is likely correct.

I have never been hooked up through a male friend, that I can remember. Like you said, if the girl is cute your friend isnt going to give up a potential lay, unless he already fvcked her. This I have seen happen. In fact, I have been "referred" to certain girls by a guy who has already fvcked her. In these cases, it was more of a "that girl's a freak", or "she'll get down" rather than a well-intentioned set up for dating.

Girls are different. Female friends will generally only hook you up if they themselves have a bf, or are not interested in you sexually. If your friend has an underlying attraction to you, the last thing she will do is refer you to another girl who will take your attention away from her. If she has a bf already, then she is getting plenty of attention so she can play matchmaker and have a grand old time.

Women are the most jealous of creatures.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Girls are different. Female friends will generally only hook you up if they themselves have a bf, or are not interested in you sexually. If your friend has an underlying attraction to you, the last thing she will do is refer you to another girl who will take your attention away from her. If she has a bf already, then she is getting plenty of attention so she can play matchmaker and have a grand old time.

Women are the most jealous of creatures.

True. Even if they have a BF or husband, the majority of them absolutely feed off male attention and will still perceive you to be an orbiter / "B" list and not set you up for fear of losing that ego boost / false validation (even if you're a DJ and not a AFC or symp)...

Or they'll set you up with the ugliest, fattest or most b!tchy friend or acquaintance they have; I suspect again, it's to keep the focus on them and their relative value higher.

 

[Maxtro]

I have never been set up by a female friend. In the rare event that I ask if any of her friends are single I'm always told that they aren't.

The key to being hooked up by women is that they have to consider you attractive and not want to keep you for themselves. So if you aren't hooking up with a girl nor is she setting you up with her friends, it most likely means she doesn't consider you attractive and she may think that none of her friends would consider you attractive either.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

If you're always asking your female friends to hook you up then you appear desperate. Trust me I've tried this and gotten nowhere. What you have to do is arrange to hangout with your female friends and their buddies so that you can meet them and work your magic from there.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If there is one thing I have never been good at, it's getting hooked up through friends.

There's your problem. You don't get hooked up through friends, you hook up through friends. Notice the difference between active and passive voice in the grammatical structure of your presenting problem. Don't expect others to do your recruiting for you.

Use your friends for networking to find new prospects WITHOUT overtly letting anybody know that is your purpose.

Expanding your social circle is to get yourself in front of more candidates where it is TOTALLY UP TO YOU to seduce/convert them. If they (male or female) happen to decide that they have somebody for you, great, but don't expect it.

If you friends know that you overtly want to be hooked up they will always refuse, because if anything goes bad, it will look bad on them.

Many times girls will bring along somebody with only a partial conscious awareness/girly hope that something will "happen" between her friend and you. (most people miss out on this, as it is rarely overtly stated.) My own sisters have done this to me several times without overtly saying anything to me about it, leaving it completely up to me to make a move or not.


macking in your social circles is good because you don't have to get past the initial b-shield, but you still gotta mack.

 

[Maxtro]

Nice way of putting it taiyuu_otoko. Your friends help you buy having you run into them or possibly giving you an introduction.

That seems more likely than getting set up on blind dates and stuff like that.

 

[Jitterbug]

I tried to get my female friends to hook me up with their single friends but got the similar responses like the OP.

The last time I nearly talked a female friend into hooking me up with some friend of hers and right after she agreed to it (coz my acting was so smooth ) an attractive MILF walked over and chatted me up (ended up dancing with her and getting her number). My chick friend told me: "I changed my mind. You don't need my help."

Most of my hookups are through social circle but it happens like taiyu described.

Really, you'd have to be known as a "desperate clueless nice guy" before some chick friend would actively help you to hook up with her friend.

As for male friends, I have helped my guys hook up with chicks before, but I've never got any help from other guys. I'd be lucky if they don't c0ckblock me (accidentally or intentionally).

 

[STR8UP]

Girls are different. Female friends will generally only hook you up if they themselves have a bf, or are not interested in you sexually. If your friend has an underlying attraction to you, the last thing she will do is refer you to another girl who will take your attention away from her. If she has a bf already, then she is getting plenty of attention so she can play matchmaker and have a grand old time.

Women are the most jealous of creatures.

This is where there is a fine line between a woman seeing you as "attractive", and outright wanting to jump your bones. A chick who for whatever reason thinks she might have a shot with you will never undermine her own chances with you by setting you up with someone else. On the other end of the spectrum you have a chick who has zero interest in you. She might throw you a bone out of pity, but that's NOT the kind of intro you want.

The hookups that are golden are the ones that are facilitated by chicks who would probably do you if the situation were different, but usually have a b/f that prevents them from doing so.

With women we generally think of attraction as either being on or off, but I have found that a lot of women will have at least a passing interest (they see you as a MAN) who will give you the GOOD hookups, the kind where the chick they are setting you up with will already know that you have value even before you meet. That's the best kind of hookup, IMO.

 

[Zonder]

It's not how it has worked for me in the past either. Usually "through the grapevine" has only worked when I met the girl in person at a party or somewhere else where both of us were going to be anyway. The grapevine recommendation took care of itself independently of the game I was already running.

I actually make a point of staying away from blind dates per se. The logistics is not something I want to deal with at all. The closest thing to a blind date I had was along the lines of "Zonder want to come with us to that place? There's a cool single friend of mine who will also be there."

Asking friends to hook me up with somebody out of context was never my style.

 

[Maxtro]

Really, you'd have to be known as a "desperate clueless nice guy" before some chick friend would actively help you to hook up with her friend.

Nope that doesn't work. If it did I would have been introduced by a chick friend by now.

I stand by the belief that if a girl isn't attracted to you, she won't try to hook you up.