Help! Marry GF? Going Crazy - Need Life Help!

[AJ84]

From what you wrote about her she has several of the qualities that men like. If what she is looking for is a husband she can trust who could be committed to her and the marriage, and you can't offer that, don't waste her life. She's young and can find someone who can offer those things. Doing something on the DL doesn't guarantee that she will never find out. Also, purposely doing something that you know would hurt her if she found out doesn't make you a good candidate for a husband, just like it doesn't make a woman a good candidate for a wife. Doing stuff like that just changes a woman from having the qualities you listed to another bitter women with a man chip on her shoulder, the kind of women men here probably try to avoid. You would just be contributing to the decay, so to speak.

Let her be happy with a trust worthy person, and find a woman who doesn't care if you sleep around. I think it's more mature to just be upfront with your intentions and then any woman who sticks around knows what the deal is and if she complains well it's not like you didn't tell her upfront so it's her problem not yours.

 

[Desdinova]

However I also I understand how a girl enjoys something like that and dreams about it ever since they are young.

I think women dream of having both a big fancy wedding and her soul mate. The reality is, most women don't get both in one shot. They generally don't get the man who's at the top of their high score list, so they aim for the next best thing which is a fancy wedding with a man who's "good enough".

Don't you think there's something to working through things instead of just replacing at first sign of discomfort?

It all depends on the woman. If you're getting the sense that the wedding is more important than the relationship, I'd think twice about signing a marriage certificate.

This is the thing that's setting alarm bells off for me:

How many men was she with before you?

I don't know... It's not something I ever asked or really want to think about. For what it's worth though, she hasn't done anything bad to me or has shown any red flags which would tie to sexual relationships she's had prior.

Women don't need to be sexually abused to be damaged. A good ride on the c0ck carousel is enough to ruin a woman.

The amount of sexual partners a woman has before you is going to dictate how she feels about you. A woman pair-bonds best when she's low-mileage. Again, if she wants to keep you for the rest of her life, the type of wedding isn't going to matter. Her desire to keep you will out-weigh the value of the wedding.

 

[YawataNoKami]

If you are serious about getting married , spend some and money talk to a lawyer and a financial counselor and get a DAPT (domestic asset protection trust). And good luck

 

[Masculinity]

Plenty of good advice in this thread. I don't understand why op keeps going and going about it.

 

[Reyaj]

That would be exhausting after a while, always covering your tracks etc. It just seems like you want variety and it would be easier to just stay single and do whatever you want and if you ever get tired of it then settle down.

Would you be ok with her sleeping with other guys? Have you talked to her about having an open marriage? When I was a teen my friend's parents had an open marriage. They seemed super happy hahaha.

You seem to care about her, I'm assuming she cares about you. But how would you feel if you married her, trusted her, and found out she was cheating on you? How would that make you feel?

The problem is when you get older the younger age demographic becomes harder to attain. I'm not saying impossible but I would say significantly harder. And yes covering my tracks can be exhausting, I already feel it sometimes. However the thrill of new pvssy still outweighs it thus why I do it.

No I wouldn't be ok with her sleeping with other guys. Why the hell would I want my girl to do that? Of course I would feel bad if she did it to me, but like I've said many times on this forum I think men and women are wired differently. I think it's more in a man's nature to be "sexually" polygamous.

I think women dream of having both a big fancy wedding and her soul mate. The reality is, most women don't get both in one shot. They generally don't get the man who's at the top of their high score list, so they aim for the next best thing which is a fancy wedding with a man who's "good enough".



It all depends on the woman. If you're getting the sense that the wedding is more important than the relationship, I'd think twice about signing a marriage certificate.

This is the thing that's setting alarm bells off for me:



Women don't need to be sexually abused to be damaged. A good ride on the c0ck carousel is enough to ruin a woman.

The amount of sexual partners a woman has before you is going to dictate how she feels about you. A woman pair-bonds best when she's low-mileage. Again, if she wants to keep you for the rest of her life, the type of wedding isn't going to matter. Her desire to keep you will out-weigh the value of the wedding.

I don't disagree with what you are saying. I just haven't seen her act in any way that I'd attribute to being caused by past sex partners. If anything I'm really the azzhole here. But the thing is I have a ton of debt so I can't contribute much to this fancy wedding. So either her or her family will have to cover it, or she isn't having one. And if she leaves me because of it then we have the answer to that question.

I just get bored of having sex with the same woman after a while man... I feel this need to sexually conquer other women so to speak. I also like the freedom of being single, while having the comfort of having an LTR. So that's the conundrum for me, I want both but I think I'll be forced to make a decision. And like most decisions I'll probably choose the lesser of 2 evils..

 

[AJ84]

Then perhaps talk to her about how you're wired and see if she is ok with you having other girls?

If you want new girls etc and are wired that way, then stay single and have fun, meet new girls do whatever you want. Don't marry someone, have kids with them, then betray them by sleeping with other women. Just man up and be honest with her and with yourself about what you really want or let her go and live feed and single.

Don't hurt people who love you. Just because you do it secretly doesn't mean it's not hurtful. The fact that you would do it secretly shows that you know it's hurtful. Think about how you would feel if it was the other way around.

I sense that you're trying to have your cake and eat it to and justify that with saying men are wired differently etc etc when you know that even if that's true, lying and deceiving someone who trusts and loves you is crappy, cowardly, and not the sign of a good person or a real man.

 

[Reyaj]

Then perhaps talk to her about how you're wired and see if she is ok with you having other girls?

If you want new girls etc and are wired that way, then stay single and have fun, meet new girls do whatever you want. Don't marry someone, have kids with them, then betray them by sleeping with other women. Just man up and be honest with her and with yourself about what you really want or let her go and live feed and single.

Don't hurt people who love you. Just because you do it secretly doesn't mean it's not hurtful. The fact that you would do it secretly shows that you know it's hurtful. Think about how you would feel if it was the other way around.

I sense that you're trying to have your cake and eat it to and justify that with saying men are wired differently etc etc when you know that even if that's true, lying and deceiving someone who trusts and loves you is crappy, cowardly, and not the sign of a good person or a real man.

Listen no quality female (or very few lol) are going to be ok with their man getting some on the side. As I said I want both the security of the LTR and also the fun of hooking up with girls on the side. I don't want to hurt anyone, so that's why it's on me to make sure she doesn't find out. If she does then I messed up and I'll have to deal with the repercussions.

I already told you I wouldn't like if it was the other way around. Back in older times this behavior was completely normal and accepted so it wouldn't have to be kept secret but religion and modern society decided it wanted to be against it, and thus we have societal standards that go against human male biology. It's that simple.

 

[AJ84]

So you say you have a lot of debt, she is in a better financial situation than you, and you expect her parents to pay for this wedding where you will basically lie to her and her whole family that you will keep vows you have no intention of keeping.

You can easily cheat on her now because you don't live together. This will be tricky and exhausting when you do live together, when you have children, when you are expected to be around and not out for the night saying you're somewhere else and having to spin more lies. You may have to resort to work lunch break hook ups or hopefully have a job that involves a lot of work travel.

Once marriage and kids arrive it will take actual effort on your part to find and hook up with other woman without her knowing anything. You have a date lined up, one of your kids is sick and your wife needs you to stay home and help out. Maybe she's sick, maybe she's pregnant and exhausted. Maybe her family has invited you both to a family get together but that's the only time you can hook up with some chick you met online. Yes, now all of your hook ups will have to be arranged online because what excuse will you have to being out every weekend.

See where I'm going with this? But hey, if it's more important to have fresh meat and fulfill your sexual needs than consider the needs of someone else and you just have to lock down the comfort of having a marriage than good luck. Let's see how comfortable you will be when you are found out and she divorces you and you are on the hook for child support.

Much much less risky to just not get married and be single but hey, your life, your consequences. I do feel sorry for your GF though, she has no idea the deal she is signing up for.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Listen no quality female (or very few lol) are going to be ok with their man getting some on the side. As I said I want both the security of the LTR and also the fun of hooking up with girls on the side. I don't want to hurt anyone, so that's why it's on me to make sure she doesn't find out. If she does then I messed up and I'll have to deal with the repercussions.

I already told you I wouldn't like if it was the other way around. Back in older times this behavior was completely normal and accepted so it wouldn't have to be kept secret but religion and modern society decided it wanted to be against it, and thus we have societal standards that go against human male biology. It's that simple.

Reyaj,

I've been that player with the woman on the side thing. Over time your feelings for the side will grow and you will grow to resent your wife. Also it's hard to balance your attention on both home and the woman on the side. What's going to end up happening is the novelty of the new chick will get most of your concern, and you will end up treating your wife and family like crap. She will feel it and it doesn't feel good at all. Consider that.

It's best you marry a swinger wife or a wife who wants to screw females on the side or some crazy thing like that. They exist and you can do what you plan on doing without devastating anyone.

 

[AJ84]

Yes good point mr. goodstuff. I think in this day and age there are many options for people to have non traditional relationships. Most women who sleep around and use men are not deserving of a good and decent loyal man and I'm sure he would agree but for some reason he doesn't have the insight to see it the other way around.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yes good point mr. goodstuff. I think in this day and age there are many options for people to have non traditional relationships. Most women who sleep around and use men are not deserving of a good and decent loyal man and I'm sure he would agree but for some reason he doesn't have the insight to see it the other way around.

I agree too. A lady who will use abuse and neglect a good man is not worthy of his kindness and concern. She deserves to be treated as an afterthought.

 

[SuckItUp]

Never marry out of feelings of obligation. Marriage is hard enough why lessen your chances of a successful marriage by doing something where you feel an obligation rather than having an overwhelming desire.

She doesn't have too many red flags although the controlling thing coupled with always wanting to spend time with you, and the weight gain are troubling signs.

As mentioned you may need a swinger partner or perhaps avoid manage unless you can come to grips with being with only one woman.

 

[MrAddiction]

Is having a family and having people care about you later on in life really a bad thing?

No, it is not a Bad thing. But chances are, is will not Happen eventhoug you marry. You can give it a try, but you can never tell what the furure will be. Neiter the near future mor the far away future. All you can do is live your live now. Doing this always will result if in a fullfiled life if you one Look backwards.

But do get married via ultimatum. Do because YOU WANT it - now because somebody else wants it.
You could die tommorrow and the you lived somebody elses dream, only just to maybe have the Chance for family and maybe caring peole later in life, which you maybe Never will reach/encounter. To much maybes for my taste.

 

[MrAddiction]

Don't marry if you're going to cheat

I am not going to promote cheating but I Do not see this a a dealbreaker for him and his decision.

 

[MrAddiction]

but I know it can't stay this way so I will need to change my line of thinking I guess?

You know that? Who told you? .... and why can't you stay like this?

 

[MrAddiction]

1. Basic morals/fraud
2. Divorce liability

Ablsolutely right but that is in everones own responisibilty or risk/gain calculation.
When it comes to Woman there is no marality anymore and no Wrong and right. Due to that no doing the Overall right thing. One can just so what is the right thing for himself. Sounds narcistic? Right! But that is what interacting with women taught me. Always put yourself first when interacting with a woman.

 

[Reyaj]

So you say you have a lot of debt, she is in a better financial situation than you, and you expect her parents to pay for this wedding where you will basically lie to her and her whole family that you will keep vows you have no intention of keeping.

You can easily cheat on her now because you don't live together. This will be tricky and exhausting when you do live together, when you have children, when you are expected to be around and not out for the night saying you're somewhere else and having to spin more lies. You may have to resort to work lunch break hook ups or hopefully have a job that involves a lot of work travel.

Once marriage and kids arrive it will take actual effort on your part to find and hook up with other woman without her knowing anything. You have a date lined up, one of your kids is sick and your wife needs you to stay home and help out. Maybe she's sick, maybe she's pregnant and exhausted. Maybe her family has invited you both to a family get together but that's the only time you can hook up with some chick you met online. Yes, now all of your hook ups will have to be arranged online because what excuse will you have to being out every weekend.

See where I'm going with this? But hey, if it's more important to have fresh meat and fulfill your sexual needs than consider the needs of someone else and you just have to lock down the comfort of having a marriage than good luck. Let's see how comfortable you will be when you are found out and she divorces you and you are on the hook for child support.

Much much less risky to just not get married and be single but hey, your life, your consequences. I do feel sorry for your GF though, she has no idea the deal she is signing up for.

I know it will be more difficult, trust me I know. That's why I will have to change my mindset or sacrifice that part of my life if I get married. If I have children they will always come first, no matter what.

I agree and that's why it's a tough decision for me. Its not like if I stay single I can have an abundance of women whenever I want it... That's just bs that a lot of people feed on here and it's not reality. Finding a quality girl to hook up with takes time and effort as you can see from my various posts here. I'm not as affected because I have someone but it damn near sucks dealing with all these shivvty women that are out there. Don't feel sorry for my gf, if I decide to get married and make that kind of commitment I'll have to change, that's where the challenge for me lies.

Reyaj,

I've been that player with the woman on the side thing. Over time your feelings for the side will grow and you will grow to resent your wife. Also it's hard to balance your attention on both home and the woman on the side. What's going to end up happening is the novelty of the new chick will get most of your concern, and you will end up treating your wife and family like crap. She will feel it and it doesn't feel good at all. Consider that.

It's best you marry a swinger wife or a wife who wants to screw females on the side or some crazy thing like that. They exist and you can do what you plan on doing without devastating anyone.

You are speaking from experience because what you wrote is 100 percent correct. However I'm aware of this so if I do mess around I know I'll be able to keep perspective and realize the purpose of the side chick. I have experience as well. Your response is probably the most relevant reply though, I appreciate it cause it's wisdom.

No, it is not a Bad thing. But chances are, is will not Happen eventhoug you marry. You can give it a try, but you can never tell what the furure will be. Neiter the near future mor the far away future. All you can do is live your live now. Doing this always will result if in a fullfiled life if you one Look backwards.

But do get married via ultimatum. Do because YOU WANT it - now because somebody else wants it.
You could die tommorrow and the you lived somebody elses dream, only just to maybe have the Chance for family and maybe caring peole later in life, which you maybe Never will reach/encounter. To much maybes for my taste.

I agree. This is why I'm going nuts because I want to have both and it doesn't seem like I can. Obviously the family is more fulfilling than trying to hook up with different girls, but damn it sure is boring! I get bored man, as much as I have ups and downs with this game of women it damn near is fun and makes me feel alive!

You know that? Who told you? .... and why can't you stay like this?

Because most women want to get married and eventually they will get tired of waiting for you to come around. Wouldn't it suck to lose a quality woman versus dating all this garbage in the dating scene?

Well, objectively its dumb to marry someone when you're going to cheat, in fact it makes no sense at all except to feed into your own narcissisms really. IT also makes no sense strategically because you are opening the door to poverty from a situation that is inherently unstable(your cheating in a marriage). If you get caught cheating and your wife files for divorce FOR CAUSE you are in deep shyte,

No doubt, that's why you need to temper it and cover your tracks!

 

[Desdinova]

Don't feel sorry for my gf, if I decide to get married and make that kind of commitment I'll have to change, that's where the challenge for me lies.

Honestly, I don't think any of this should be a challenge. You've given her three years to prove that she's worth keeping. If you're still torn at this point, you're going to remain torn after the wedding. Making the decision to remain with her should be easy.

Obviously the family is more fulfilling than trying to hook up with different girls, but damn it sure is boring!

The family may be more fulfilling, but it doesn't mean you need to keep the woman you have at this moment in time. If you're going to settle down with a woman, she should be extremely upstanding. The fact that she's insisting on a specific wedding tells me that she's more focused on having the wedding instead of having a future with you.

Wouldn't it suck to lose a quality woman versus dating all this garbage in the dating scene?

Don't get "quality" confused with "decent". Personally, I'd like to see something that makes her outstanding. You haven't posted any of the sort yet.

 

[Reyaj]

Honestly, I don't think any of this should be a challenge. You've given her three years to prove that she's worth keeping. If you're still torn at this point, you're going to remain torn after the wedding. Making the decision to remain with her should be easy.

What I meant here was about being torn between setting down or continuing the bachelor lifestyle. I think she's worth keeping but if I decide to marry her I'm going to have to change somehow... I can't be seeing all these women on the side. This is the part that will be a challenge for me. It will be an internal challenge become a family man so to speak versus a consummate womanizer.

The family may be more fulfilling, but it doesn't mean you need to keep the woman you have at this moment in time. If you're going to settle down with a woman, she should be extremely upstanding. The fact that she's insisting on a specific wedding tells me that she's more focused on having the wedding instead of having a future with you.

I agree with your first line. As far as here being extremely upstanding or let's just upstanding at that... well that's debatable. The last girl I was with definitely was all about the wedding and I learned the hard way on that one... My current gf does want to have a nice wedding.. I think a lot of girls have this fantasy. I agree 1000 percent that marriage and partner supersede this over hyped ceremony. I think she'd still want to be with me if we couldn't have the nice wedding, but like I said I expect her parents to fork over most of the costs associated with it. If her parents are willing to do this for her what is the harm in having it? Is it not possible to have both a nice wedding and a good marriage?

Don't get "quality" confused with "decent". Personally, I'd like to see something that makes her outstanding. You haven't posted any of the sort yet.

This is the debatable part and of course the most subjective... I'm basically the #1 person her life, she wants my junk like 24/7, hasn't done anything disrespectful, conducts herself well in public. Just like everyone else though of course she has her flaws.

What are some outstanding qualities in your opinion? I'll be able to better address it if I had some examples.

 

[Masculinity]

I can't believe this thread is still going. OP got plenty of quality advice already. If you're not going to follow the advice, don't ask for it in the first place.