Getting over the SHAME of wanting a girl

[The Pedantical]

I've been trying to pick up girls at the bar, but my problem is that I'm always ashamed of wanting to date a girl and have sex with her... I barely ever admitted to anyone that I wanted that, and I grew up telling everyone I was homosexual (to the point of actually having real homosexual encounters) because I was too ashamed of being attracted to girls. I've had a few moments when I would actually say out loud that I wanted a girl, but I always regretted it either immediately afterward or the next day then tried as hard as I could to deny it or say I was joking

Recently I've been reading up on Jeffrey Dahmer, and I've spent most of today reading all the articles I could find about him and watching the documentaries on him and on his trial, and his interview with Stone Phillips

I've been ruminating over and over in my mind about Dahmer and his crimes and how horrible its all been, and I'm trying to imagine myself as Jeffrey Dahmer and the humiliation of his trial so that I can convince myself that what I want is pretty damn innocent in comparison... but it was errie how when Jeffrey talked about hiding bodies in his grandmother's house I felt that it was exactly the same thing as my secret wish to go on a date with a girl, that I've been hiding from everybody because I'm too afraid of them finding out

What I hope to do is next time I go to a bar is to bring to my mind an image of Jeffrey Dahmer as vivid as possible while I go talk to a girl, and then shift my imagination from his crimes to my wish of going on a date. What I'm hoping is that my brain will react in comparison and in the heat of the moment reach the conclusion that there's nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a date, so that it might help me work up the courage to open a conversation with a girl

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear... I've been in psychiatry and medicated for several years now and I haven't had results... I think once I can get over the shame I might be all right

 

[londonzen]

allright mate im terrified

 

[Radharc]

Ok, first thing that came to mind was "troll", but then I checked your post history and since you´ve been here since 2005 I´m assuming you have real issues that go a bit deeper than the average run of the mill afc'ism.

First thing, are you really atracted to girls? Or you think you are supposed to be attracted to girls? Are you sexually aroused by girls? Because saying ppl you are gay while growing up without actually being is pretty ****ed up.

Then if you really are into women, can you pin point the reason why do you feel ashamed for that?

Dude, thinking about serial killers is not the frame of mind you want to go for while pursuing girls.

I´m sure lots of ppl here will be happy to try to help you with your issues if they can.

 

[londonzen]

like i said i wouldnt go to this guys flat for all the tea in china

 

[The Pedantical]

Thanks for the reply Rad

I think the reason why I'm ashamed of being attracted to girls is because when I grew up my mother was always pushing me to find girls.

She always talked to me about sex ever since I started school. When I was 12-13, she drew diagrams for me to show me how to recognize the genitals of a girl who had lost her virginity.
Growing up I was so embarrassed by her constant sex-talk that I kept denying that I had any interest in sex. She kept bringing it up. When I started growing a beard I had to shave in hiding because I was too embarrassed about it. Once I cut myself and my mom was making fun of me and saying that I was shaving, but I kept denying it and said I slipped and cut myself on a piece of furniture.
Later in a family dinner she joked to everyone about how I'm shaving in secret, then she started telling me that I must have a lot of pubic hair. She began asking me "what's happening to your **** now?" in sort of an ironic tone. I've always insisted to her that I never had any kind of sexual desire and whenever she talked about pubic hair, I insisted that I never had any.

Once I had cut my own pubic hair, and pieces of it fell behind my bed. She found them and showed them to me, and I denied they were mine and said they might have been a friend's who cut his pubic hair while I wasn't there. Then she started talking to me about my dad's pubic hair and how she could tell that it wasn't his because the color was different. Also she started describing my dad's genitals to me including how it turns to the side when erected and details I'd have rather died than hear about.

The fear started like this, I think, that my mom talked to me so much about sex that I became ashamed of admitting any desire. She once told my dad, in front of me, that she never had an orgasm with him. This kind of incident happened over and over. My psychiatrist told me that if I hadn't moved to my own apartment he would have had her institutionalized

I never told my parents I was gay, but I told other people for example in high school. I said I was gay because at that time I was getting really interested in girls and I wanted to date, but I was afraid that my interest would show, this way if they thought I was gay they wouldn't think that when I talk to them I want to date them or have sex with them.

Recently I put up a profile on a dating site, but I deleted it soon after because I was afraid my mother would find it.

EDIT:
I'm quite positive that I'm not homosexual at all. I only feel attraction for girls, the problem is that it makes me feel shame, uneasy. Admitting in person that I want a girlfriend makes me feel like a killer making a confession (this is why I brought up Dahmer)

 

[kingsam]

like i said i wouldnt go to this guys flat for all the tea in china

what if he offered you his spare room so you could move out?
decent rate too...

 

[Radharc]

Thanks for the reply Rad

I think the reason why I'm ashamed of being attracted to girls is because when I grew up my mother was always pushing me to find girls.

She always talked to me about sex ever since I started school. When I was 12-13, she drew diagrams for me to show me how to recognize the genitals of a girl who had lost her virginity.
Growing up I was so embarrassed by her constant sex-talk that I kept denying that I had any interest in sex. She kept bringing it up. When I started growing a beard I had to shave in hiding because I was too embarrassed about it. Once I cut myself and my mom was making fun of me and saying that I was shaving, but I kept denying it and said I slipped and cut myself on a piece of furniture.
Later in a family dinner she joked to everyone about how I'm shaving in secret, then she started telling me that I must have a lot of pubic hair. She began asking me "what's happening to your **** now?" in sort of an ironic tone. I've always insisted to her that I never had any kind of sexual desire and whenever she talked about pubic hair, I insisted that I never had any.

Once I had cut my own pubic hair, and pieces of it fell behind my bed. She found them and showed them to me, and I denied they were mine and said they might have been a friend's who cut his pubic hair while I wasn't there. Then she started talking to me about my dad's pubic hair and how she could tell that it wasn't his because the color was different. Also she started describing my dad's genitals to me including how it turns to the side when erected and details I'd have rather died than hear about.

The fear started like this, I think, that my mom talked to me so much about sex that I became ashamed of admitting any desire. She once told my dad, in front of me, that she never had an orgasm with him. This kind of incident happened over and over. My psychiatrist told me that if I hadn't moved to my own apartment he would have had her institutionalized

I never told my parents I was gay, but I told other people for example in high school. I said I was gay because at that time I was getting really interested in girls and I wanted to date, but I was afraid that my interest would show, this way if they thought I was gay they wouldn't think that when I talk to them I want to date them or have sex with them.

Recently I put up a profile on a dating site, but I deleted it soon after because I was afraid my mother would find it.

EDIT:
I'm quite positive that I'm not homosexual at all. I only feel attraction for girls, the problem is that it makes me feel shame, uneasy. Admitting in person that I want a girlfriend makes me feel like a killer making a confession (this is why I brought up Dahmer)

Wow, that´s pretty twisted, I would be pretty pissed and resentfull of my mum too if she had pulled something like that while I was growing up. She basically took over and hijacked your sexual development. There´s a reason kids make an issue of keeping that part of their lives separated from their mothers. So now even when you suceed in getting girls is like you are just doing "what she wanted you to". You need to dissociate getting girls from your mum.

How is your relationship with your mum currently, you see her often, what kind of presence she still has on your life?

 

[londonzen]

kignsam lol but no thanks


ahem the pedanctial all jokes aside what your mum did to you was a form of abuse and it really messed you up, i am honestly sorry that im no expert and cannot offer you any help on this,
the only thing i can say is you need to get away from her and if you ever have kids do not ever ever leave them with her.

i am deadly serious aswell all the best

 

[The Pedantical]

Thanks again for the reply

I moved out to my own apartment recently. She calls me about 4-5 times a day. I should be very mad at this, and it does feel like she is trying to control me from a distance. However right now I have almost zero social contact so I have almost come to look forward to talking to her and my dad since I don't talk to anyone else (tho I want to)

To be frank I actually do miss her, because I think I've sort of become emotionally dependent on her because of how isolated I was when I grew up (changed school regularly so never made long term childhood friends) She is kind of bipolar - kind and loving one moment, spiteful and viciously enraged the next. In a way I miss the few moments of kindess since its the only affection I ever felt from anybody, but at the same time I'm still afraid of her or that she's going to be mad at me

My psychiatrist compared my life to the people in the camp in the film Schindler's list, he said my mom was kind of like the guy who shot the people in the camp from his window, they had no rule, no way to be sure what behavior to follow to avoid being killed, in my case I never had any idea when my mom would lash out and scream at me or when she'd be kind and loving and affectionate

London:
I didn't see your post when I was typing the previous thing. I appreciate any advice. I'm already being followed by a psychiatrist, but you never know if something you might think about might actually help me. I know you guys are not mental health professionals, but you have experience with women so that's why I'm asking

(sorry for the long posts guys!)

 

[ThePrize]

Ok listen up. You are very troubled and you and I both know that alot of this is due to the way you were raised by your mother.

The good thing is, is that you have moved out. You can be independent of your mother.

I think what you really want right now is not to just shag some girl, but have a loving connection with someone. To feel loved and be socially abt.

This won't be a quik fix for you. It will be hard and take long. You will need heaps of courage and persistens. But it is NOT impossible.

I think the first step for you is to dinstance yourself from your current social circle (even if it is just your family) and especially your mother. Your current relationships will reenforce the anxiety and shame and will keep sucking you back into it.

It will be alot easier if you became financially independent. Perhaps move to a different city and start over. Be among people all of the time. Join alot of clubs, go to all events etc. In time you will get a social circle and you will find compassionate people to support you.

Pursue happiness with great effort it is worth it my friend.

And now I want to shamelessly advertise this personal development site that has helped me alot improving on myself and still does: www.stevepavlina.com

All articles are free to read and the forums are open to discussin about more than just girls. I hope you find what you are looking for!

I would say good luck but luck has nothing to do with it. It is all choice

 

[londonzen]

do u have a job now?

 

[The Pedantical]

do u have a job now?

I applied to a bunch of places during the summer, but all I got was a couple of interviews and no follow ups

I'll graduate around April now so I suppose once that's done it'll be easier to resume the job search.

 

[Radharc]

You are on the right path now man. Not only that, now you have a chance to build a new reality to yourself, a new persona, to improve yourself. Sure it will be a hard and somewhat long process, with lots of failures and setbacks, but if you stick with it you´ll make it. Hell man, if you made it through all that sh1t you had to put up with while growing that means you´re a survivor, you can make it.

You need to reframe your reality into one where "aproval" from your mother is not that important. Our parents are the first "mirrors" we have, the way they see us is the way in turns we see ourselves - for instance, if they think you are weak, you will think you are weak -, you just had a tough break with your mirror.

I´d advise you to be practical, find a job, guarantee your financial independence. Try to build a social circle, try to find groups of ppl with interests similar to your, engage in group activities. It´s probably more important to you now (and in the long term) to build a social network, that is also a security network in a way, than to try to find a girlfriend or sleep with women right away. Once you have your life in the right track the other things will become easier.

Distance yourself from you mother as much as you can, you need time to rebuild yourself, to find some new mirrors, with as little interference from your mum as you can. Trust me, it will get better if you don´t give up on becoming the person you really want to be. Find your strenghts and use them, find your weaknesses and do your best to either get over them, or rend them as harmless as you can.

 

[londonzen]

oh i wasnt trying to get at you

just remebered u saying you wanted a job, good luck

who pays your rent?

 

[Acq]

Your mother has commited emotional incest and should be punished for what she did, basically she damaged your manhood.
tell me, do some people irl think you are homosexual ?
do u feel your life has severe ups and down with periods of depression ?

how do u react to compliments and critisism in life ? Imagine an attractive girl would tell you that you are intelligent and attractive, how would you react to that ? How would u react if a teacher in college told you that you are the worst student in class ?

 

[londonzen]

i agree
its called covert incest

 

[The Pedantical]

Thanks for the replies everyone

People don't really think I'm gay, because the only people I told were passing acquaintances such as guys in high school that I never saw again... I don't have any family outside my parents that I'm in contact with. I never told my parents I'm gay because I never want to admit to them any kind of sexual desire, homosexual or otherwise

My doctor has said the same about my mom deserving to be punished... he in fact wanted to have her locked up, and he even gave me an ultimatum to move out or he would have acted himself to get me out and said that if she had reacted violently (as she probably would because she's virulently anti-psychiatry) that he would have called the police and have her interned. He said from what I told him of her she is a paranoid and psychotic. I moved out before his ultimatum though so he didn't get involved (in fact I was afraid he would)

Anyway, I both hate and love my mom at the same time... I hate what she did, but I believe she did it because she's mentally ill not because she wanted to hurt me... I don't think she even knows that she hurt me. That's why I don't want her to be hurt, if she had been an evil ***** who wanted to hurt me I wouldn't have a moral qualm about this stuff, but she's essentially a good person (I think) who's got severe psychological problems. Maybe I'm just saying that because she's my mom

I pay my own rent but my personal revenue is still dependent on my parents because its their business so that dependency line hasn't been cut off... I was hoping to get a job in the summer but now with my studies I have less time

 

[Chromeo]

your mother is fvcking nuts bro. And I can relate... mildly. My mom always would joke I had crushes on girls, like "oooo is she your girlfriend" I would be embarrased by it. She even yelled at me once for closing my door to my room when I had a girl over in first or second grade before I even really knew what sex was. I was pretty much scared and embarrased to have a girlfriend after that. But im cool now, because you have to man up to your mom. I watched this mike meyers movie the love guru the other night, the character had the same problem, couldnt play hockey in front of his mom, she ridiculed him too much... at the end of the movie he over came this buy lookin his mom in the eye and said "MOM! IM A GROWN ASS MAN... i can handle if from here. I love you" hug.

You gotta realize and accept that your mom screwed you up pretty good. Basically your mom forced that on you in an uncomfortable way, therefore your translating that lack of comfort to women in general. Your probably gonna need to bring this up with you a psychologist... not psychiatrist.. they will just prescribe you.

But you need to man up to your mom, as simple as it sounds. Watch that love guru movie and it might make you laugh about how simple a solution it is to his problem. And just realize thats really all you have to do! Whether she calls or you call her, you need to say "Listen mom, I love you but your constant sex talk really effected me, and made me try and be gay because it drove me nuts, im not gay, i need you to get off my back, and I am busy because I am a man and I cant take five phone calls from you a day" use harsher terms if needed.

if she is too fvckin crazy to actually listen to what you just told her, you need to go no contact until she realizes you are puting your foot down and will not have that be a part of your life. Just as you would with a woman you were dating whose behavior you dont approve of.

After while she doesnt get it, reiterate to her what your doing. "Mom i do not want you to be a part of my life unless you are going to be supportive, I do not need this negativity and ridicule and to be made afraid of women"

its easier said then done I know, but think about it... is it really easier said than done? I just told you what to do, all you have to do is have the will power. Same thing smoking cigarettes "oh im so addicted, its so hard to quit" Ya cigarettes are addicting, sure, but you know what, STOP FVCKING SMOKING and you will stop smoking. Being a man is having will power. You got a problem, fix it. period. If you dont, you dont want it bad enough, and fvck you then cry baby.

Im trying to pump you up man! I want you to get mad! GET ****ING MAD AT YOUR MOM!

but harness that anger and turn it into something constructive, dont do anything stupid

 

[londonzen]

its all true
also if you can try go away for awhile somewhere hot clear your mind
text your mum b4/while there tell her "im away dont call" in what ever way you see fit let her get used to u being away.
and be happy when she see,s you on your terms

 

[initiatorhater06]

maybe he should read David Deida books