Future Talk. She said this convo is over..

[HariPoter13]

You should send a 1000 flowers to her place to show her just how sorry you are for upsetting her. Then afterwards take her out to some classy place. She'll forget about the whole thing in no time. Btw, this would be operant conditioning. Google it.

 

[Iceberg]

With what I mentioned above, how do you guys think the interest level adds up? She's a good person, and would be a good mother, but like all women, possessed by crazy.

I wouldn't say she's crazy "like all women." That's your way of telling yourself that it's okay to accept her poor behavior because any other girl you get would just be the same. Not true.

There are women out there who are accepting of their submissive role in the relationship. I've dated them. I've also dated the crazy, controlling ones.

My "crazy, controlling" ex was an alright girl, actually. Total nutjob, but she cared about me. However, what I learned was, you cannot have a power struggle in your relationship. "Controlling" should not be a descriptor for a woman you plan on spending your life with. What do you think that will turn into once you put that ring on her finger?

 

[Jitterbug]

What exactly is this chick adding to your life and supporting you in your career and life goals? Why are you so eager to wife her up?

 

[Danton1975]

Why the F*ck would you initiate a marriage talk with a woman? That makes you sound very insecure and hence takes away your very essence as a man. Soon enough the woman will ask..."So what are we?" Then, you can take the convo anywhere you want it, but not before. This is a wrong move in many senses...Man this is a No-No-No-Go.

I just read your post again...this makes my blood boil. Pay attention to the way you even asked the question: "Do you feel comfortable...?" That is so timidly asked. First you shouldn't ask, second you should definitely never ask in that way...and third...you lead. You know what is sexy to a woman about a man? He leads. Asking "Do you feel comfortable" is just...Oh F^ck...I give up...WTF...seriously...

 

[Colossus]

Genghis I think there is a lot of red flags here and moving on will likely be very hard for you, because you have so much time invested in her and you are wrapped up in her positives right now.

Remember, sometimes all it takes is one red flag to spoil the package. She has several.

 

[GhengisT]

Why the F*ck would you initiate a marriage talk with a woman? That makes you sound very insecure and hence takes away your very essence as a man. Soon enough the woman will ask..."So what are we?" Then, you can take the convo anywhere you want it, but not before. This is a wrong move in many senses...Man this is a No-No-No-Go.

I just read your post again...this makes my blood boil. Pay attention to the way you even asked the question: "Do you feel comfortable...?" That is so timidly asked. First you shouldn't ask, second you should definitely never ask in that way...and third...you lead. You know what is sexy to a woman about a man? He leads. Asking "Do you feel comfortable" is just...Oh F^ck...I give up...WTF...seriously...

Yeah, yeah- spare me all the alpha-male b.s. I've been with this chick for 4.5 years. Marriage & kids talk is a regular for her. I don't bring this **** up, but will engage in discussion. My "Do you feel comfortable" question was necessary because she starts a full-time R.N. program in January, which means she can't work very much. Yeah- I make good money for my age, but would be bending over backwards to try and make two car payments, pay for my apartment, plus all of mine/her other expenses. Ain't happening..

You want to know what the difference is between when she broke up with me & now?
A. She didn't have the balls to cut me loose (i.e. let's take a break. I squashed it)
B. She called me the nicest guy ever

Now..
A. She's on her best behavior, no more temper-tantrums, no more excessive phone calls, RESPECT, booty call pretty much whenever I want
B. She calls me the biggest @$$hole ever (regularly :woo:
C. "There's just no winning with you.."

What exactly is this chick adding to your life and supporting you in your career and life goals? Why are you so eager to wife her up?

In all honesty, she's a good cook (I love Mexican food), good lay, realistic in her dreams/goals, very traditional values & morals, and she keeps my crazy ass on track. Career wise, I don't think that I would be doing as well as I am now if I hadn't been with her through my earlier twenties. I had a good job when I met her, but I would've partied my ass off & probably gotten the boot. She's very flexible with money & has no problem paying for an expensive dinner once in awhile, knowing that I support myself & her @ss lives rent free with mom & dad..

She's told me she doesn't want me to spend a lot of money on a ring because that money would be better spent on something that can benefit us both like a condo or a house.

Considering I'm the one who had parents for druggies, spent my childhood in foster/group homes. Emotional stability is one of my strong suits. I guess it helps me cope w/ the baggage women bring to my life. I am incredibly patient for 24..

Genghis I think there is a lot of red flags here and moving on will likely be very hard for you, because you have so much time invested in her and you are wrapped up in her positives right now.

Remember, sometimes all it takes is one red flag to spoil the package. She has several.

Thanks for reading Colossus. When she broke up with me in Feb 2012, I went through the breakup motions. Sick to my stomach, talking about it to all my friends to the point, they should have kicked my a$$. Didn't know what to do with myself, didn't want to be at home alone.

Since reclaiming my balls..

I'll never kiss her ass
I'll never be afraid to lose her (all good things will come to an end anyway)
I'll openly flirt with other women when we're out on the town
I tell her my demands, and never ask her **this one is key**
I continue to socialize & network with other girls, regardless of relationship status (via facebook, work & phone numbers)

I'm not the best looking guy, but I make money, drive a new car, live in high pursuit of a luxurious lifestyle, and by age 30 expect to have HB 8, 9, and 10s throwing themselves at me. With all women of that age, there's a reason they're not married, and it has something to do with the caliber of their personality.

Do I really want to be 30+ years old, looking for a high caliber woman? Nah. It's world of STDs, chicks with kids, and babys daddys I don't want to deal with.

 

[Iceberg]

I'm not the best looking guy, but I make money, drive a new car, live in high pursuit of a luxurious lifestyle, and by age 30 expect to have HB 8, 9, and 10s throwing themselves at me. With all women of that age, there's a reason they're not married, and it has something to do with the caliber of their personality.

You're making the incorrect assumption that when you're a 30 year old, you'll only be dating 30 year old women. Those 8's and 9's you're talking about will range from 22 - 35. Everything from college girls to divorcees.

Do I really want to be 30+ years old, looking for a high caliber woman? Nah. It's world of STDs, chicks with kids, and babys daddys I don't want to deal with.

I understand that we all have different dreams and ambitions. Some men really do just want stability and food on the table.

But there's something unsettling about a man who says that he can have 9's throwing themselves at him, but would rather settle down with a controlling (YOUR words, not mine) woman. Because he doesn't want to "deal with" being single.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm the one who had parents for druggies, spent my childhood in foster/group homes.

That's going to affect anyone. The marital home that you could have with her is what you never had as a kid. And when you broke up with her, I would guess that having had your parents run off on you makes it that much harder when your girlfriend does the same thing. Everyone's past influences their decision-making. It is very normal, but it's also difficult to see it happen from your own perspective. My own parents had a horrible marriage, which I'm sure never helped my view of marriage.

Everybody here wants you to be happy. If marrying her does it for you, so be it. Just be careful that you don't lose your sense of self; a relationship can't "complete you" or else when it ends, you are not a complete person any more, just a fraction of one. If you are using the relationship to solve your own psychological needs and the relationship were to ever end, it will be like the rug is pulled from under you. And the less you have to lean on it as an emotional crutch, the stronger your marriage will be.

Also, I would argue with your concept of how old 30 is. When I was 24, 30 seemed old. It's not. You can still date 24 y/o women with no trouble at all. (edit: Iceberg beat me to that point) Your concept of what life is like at 30 is more accurate in describing life at 50.

 

[Down Low]

Why are the DJ's blood boiling? Because they are men. Men hate being lied to.

OP, you're lying to us, and to yourself, and to her.

What kind of Catholic has an abortion? A pretend Catholic. Religion isn't important to her at all. Or to you. I'm guessing she got "bipolar" because she went on the shot or the pill after the abortion, which causes women to go psycho b1tch insane. Is this the real reason you lost interest, and had to down a six pack and smoke weed every night? Your out-of-wedlock sex doesn't sound like something the Church condones either. Her family seems to be looking the other way. Religion isn't important to them, either. If it is, and you're both hiding it well, that doesn't sound like honoring one's mother and father, does it? Oh yeah, I love the part where you both decided that you don't have any commitments to each other, and both fvcked around. That turned your relationship with each other into an "open relationship," and you lie to each other about your intentions to be faithful in the future. And lie to us. (You flirt with other women because you fully intend to find some to fvck. You do it in front of her to hurt her feelings [see "regrets and recriminations"]).

So you're a pretty dissolute fellow. I'm not trying to paint you as any worse than anyone else. Just don't lie to us that you're somehow trying to live up to an honorable moral code. You're not better than anyone else by making the false claim to be a Catholic.

I don't see how marriage talk matters. The only possible future that an "open relationship" can have is regrets and recriminations. There is no way to rewrite the past. There is no way to restore the prior faithful relationship you once had. (I don't really know, maybe you or her were never faithful to each other.) You two already killed each other's baby, so you'll hate each other for this forever (you already said as much). You could get married, but since you aren't Catholics, you hold open the possibility of divorce. Even so, the idea of marrying to try to force the spouse into fidelity just reeks of desperation, and would actually increase the likelihood of cheating and denying sex.

It seems that she has always been nothing but another plate to you. Maybe your one and only plate, but just a plate. Start spinning some more. Buy your condo, but leave her at her parents'. And by all means, stop bringing up the subject of the nature/future of your relationship. When she does, agree with her as you would make pleasant agreement with the prattle of a 13-year-old.

 

[Jitterbug]

Mate, you're selling yourself short. I'm advising a man who has a very similar marriage (same issues with parents, similar woman) to the one you're thinking of jumping head first into, and he's lamenting his decision to marry her 30-odd years ago.

You will be able to date younger, hotter and better women when you get to 30. I'm almost 30 myself, and my women range is from 18 to mid-30s, mostly the younger ones. The chicks I thought were all that and a bag of chips when I was 24 can't hold a candle to the ones I'm bagging now.

You are selling yourself short. Don't do it. Don't overcome such adversities in life only to throw yourself into a very unnecessary and avoidable one.

 

[Colossus]

Do I really want to be 30+ years old, looking for a high caliber woman? Nah. It's world of STDs, chicks with kids, and babys daddys I don't want to deal with.

First of all, I take offense to that because I am 30!!!

In all seriousness though, there's a couple things I see going on here with you.

It seems like you have pretty good frame at this point with her. You wear the pants, call the shots, and more or less do what you want. That's not a bad thing, but what I am reading in between the lines of your posts is you have a bit of the scarcity mentality. You are clinging to her, and rationalizing taking some big steps like buy a home and talk about marriage because of fear of letting a 'good' thing go.

You are partially correct about 30+ women; they tend to carry more baggage. They have reached their plateau in looks. However, like Iceberg said you are assuming that you will only date women 30 and above when you are that age. Not true, in fact, if you stay on top of things you will be MORE attractive to the 22-28 girls, because you are an established, wise, forward-thinking Man. Men always get better with age if they are active about it.

So, you dont necessarily have to dump her, stay with her if you like. Let the relationship run its natural course and you may see what we mean after a time. But for your own sake do not do anything that will link you to her inextricably, like marriage or property. And for that matter do not entertain marriage until around 30, IMO. Even if you came to us and said hey guys i have the most perfect faithful gorgeous smart virgin woman i wanna marry her now, I'd say you are nuts. It's a phase. You'll feel flashes of the desire to 'settle down' and start a family, but a month or two later you'll be horn-doggin' after every skirt that walks by. When the time is right, you'll know.

 

[Desdinova]

Since reclaiming my balls..

You haven't reclaimed your balls because you haven't moved on. You're feeling stuck with this woman because of the time and emotion you've poured into the relationship. The man with balls is willing to write it all off and venture off into new, uncharted territory to search for something better.

Do I really want to be 30+ years old, looking for a high caliber woman? Nah. It's world of STDs, chicks with kids, and babys daddys I don't want to deal with.

You're delusional. I'm 34 and my gf is 22. She has no kids, no stds, was very low-mileage when I met her, and is pretty damn good looking. You're going to get garbage women if you keep believing you're only worthy of garbage women. That's why you have a woman with traits that bother you. You keep thinking that you're worthy of this defective woman only because she's less defective than the other kinds of women you've pointed out.

If you're going to marry anybody, you'd better search for a woman who's near perfection. The woman you're with is FAR from perfection.

 

[DonJuanabe]

IMO, men should not get married until they near 30, say 28. First you get your education and/or career down. Then you get married. Beyond education/career, in your 20s your opinions, interests, etc. will evolve, potentially in a significant way. Don't marry someone until you are finished growing into an adult.

 

[GhengisT]

Hey guys- it's been a minute since I've been on SS. I figured it's time for an update..

I'm currently questioning whether to NEXT this girl. We've been back together about 4months. I will say that things have been better, but I'm recognizing the "power struggle" & I can't say I like it one bit. I've done well to stay in shape, focus on my career more than ever, and am actually "getting ahead" fiscally speaking. She on the other hand is putting on weight, and lately lacking attractive self-confidence in herself.

I've put the brakes on any marriage, condo, kids, etc talk. As Down-Low put it, I've just been going along with what she suggests, when she brings it up. The sex has been incredible, and I'm getting it just about whenever I want. She fights me on the topic of staying the night at my place, to the point that I don't even bring it up anymore. She lives a neighborhood away (bout 5min drive), but waking up at 2am to take her home just pisses me off. Saturday we went out to lunch, went back to my place & she was just way too needy. We had literally had lunch 2hrs ago, and she's trying to get me to drive her to get more food. I refused & told her to wait until dinner, got a pity party. She went to lay down in my room, and I kept watching TV. Smoked a bowl in the living room. She comes out super pissed asking me to take her home. Later that night she buys me dinner, and I take her to a movie. She told me that she feels like I don't love her, or something. 

Come Sunday, we spent the whole day at my buddy's beach house, drinking & BBQing. When we got to my apartment, she said she was gonna head home & do some laundry (understandable), and "we've already spent too much time together". She said she's coming back at night to watch Breaking Bad (as we usually do Sunday nights). I was drunk & just wanted to sleep, so I did. About 15min before, I call her & she tells me she's just gonna watch it at her place. Yesterday, she calls me on her lunch break to see how my day is going, etc. She says needs to use my internet, so I ask if she wants dinner & what time she'll be at my place. She said about 7pm for dinner. Its 7:35 when I call her & she's at the store buying school supplies or some ****.

I reem her for being inconsiderate & not even courteous enough to text me that she's gonna be late. She said some bull**** about her phone losing bluetooth sync with her car, and I called her on bull****. She gets to my place & starts *****ing about what I made for dinner, telling me that I need to get off her ass, and how it's always my way or the highway & there's no winning with me. I said damn right. If you don't like it nobody's forcing you to stay. I told her we don't have any kids or financial ties, there's the door! She lashed back with some nonsense about how I'm always going to the extreme.

I gave her a few minutes to cool off & take care of some **** on the computer, and we both calmed & had a nice dinner, enjoyed eachother's company for a bit.

To make **** more annoying, all my friends keep telling me she's awesome & she's a keeper, yada yada.. wtf..

 

[5string]

I'd drop her faster than a prom dress falls off!

Ghengis, for your own sake, listen to what these guys told you brother.

 

[L B]

How do you propose I break her "controlling nature"?...

You can't.

 

[vatoloco]

Rollo already mentioned it. She dropped you. That's it. It's over. Next.

What is there for discussion? /thread

 

[sodbuster]

She isn't marriage material. Gaining weight and b1tching? Sounds like my ex wife...after the wedding. Your's is starting early

 

[Solomon]

In this thread, OP is giving solid gold advice but refuses listen, I give this another 6 months tops and OP will be right back where he started

 

[GhengisT]

In this thread, OP is giving solid gold advice but refuses listen, I give this another 6 months tops and OP will be right back where he started

It's all great advice. I sincerely appreciate you guys taking time out of your busy lives to knock sense into me. Hell, I'd buy you all a round of beers if you're local (Ventura County, CA).

I'm following Colossus' advice, and letting the relationship run it's natural course. I even went as far as suggesting an open relationship when I caught her in a lie. She resisted vehemently, and apologized for a few days. Then, it was back to '*****-mode'. When she's acting like an angel, she's the ideal woman. Sadly, this is only about 10% of the time. So I've come to the conclusion that I should never get married, or at least to this one.

A former colleague of mine, who is about twice my age is going through a divorce right now. I was catching up w/ him just yesterday. He waited until he was 46yrs old to get married. They had been together for almost 5yrs, had a 4yr old daughter together. He said as soon as the song & dance of the wedding was over, so was everything else. He's trying to keep it together for the sake of his daughter not growing up in a dysfunctional home.

I said the divorce rate is 50%, the majority of kids she's going to meet are going to be going through the same ..ish.