Future Talk. She said this convo is over..

[GhengisT]

Gents,

Been with my girl for a little over 4yrs. My parents love her, and her parents like me. She's a successful licensed vocational nurse. I'm a successful I.T. engineer. Combined we make about $85K a year (I make the majority). I'm pursuing my associates, and ultimate goal is a MBA. Her ultimate goal is registered nurse.

She broke up with me back in Feb' 2012 (she was honest, lost attraction, w/e). We didn't talk for 3 months. I went NC, got in better shape, bought a badass sports coupe, etc. She hasn't changed a bit.

We've been back together for 3 months. Things have been great. Tonight I decided to mention that I'm feeling ready for the whole marriage thing. She's hispanic catholic, so I guess we have to appease her family. She got huffy because "I shouldn't have to ask these questions". From the sounds of it, she's down for the whole marriage thing, but says we'll figure out the educational stuff later.

My questions are along the lines of: Do you feel comfortable getting married before we finish our educational endeavors. She just told me I shouldn't be asking these questions.

My goal in life is to find a flexible partner, but she sounds like she's in fairytale/disneyland to me where she thinks **** is all about happy-ever-after endings & ****. Real world hasn't hit her yet. I called her to let her know how it bothers me that she can't handle a little real-talk. She said I shouldn't have to ask, and this convo is over..

Thoughts? (FYI I'm drunk as a skunk by now).

 

[Bible_Belt]

If she dumped you five months ago and said she wasn't attracted to you, then you shouldn't have gotten back together. You certainly should not want to marry her. Your story is all about her having the power in the relationship. It's only going to get worse if you marry her.

 

[GhengisT]

The breakup was initiated by her. She was under a lot of stress, coupled with the need to see what life was like without me. I had a blast doing the single thing, and got important affairs in order. I dated other girls & told her she should date others too.

Moving forbward, things have been very good since getting back together. The break was a great means for breaking a cycle of negativity within our relationship.

In regards to how this whole discussion came about, it literally began with me telling her that I feel like I'm ready to head down that (marriage) road, and I followed up by asking her if she feels that she needs to finish school first. All I wanted was her opinion because what she wants matters to me, too.

She's upset about the method in which I asked. She wants me to make it a surprise. There wasn't any pressure.

Touching on the whole control aspect, she tried to get me to give her a hug & told me I should be making her feel better. I told her she can meet me in the middle (since we we're sitting in my car), and I need her to be flexible & compromise. After a bit of fight, she gave in.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I don't like to be so negative, but I just don't see very much that is positive about your dynamic with her. You have to behave, or she gets mad. In two short posts, I see her disrespecting you several times, and you not seeming to care.

It's not like there's a shortage of women in Southern California. And all of them want to get married. I think you can do better, and get a girl who respects you more.

You make more money at 24 without even having a 2-year degree than lawyers make where I live. If you marry her and knock her up a couple of times, and she leaves you again, there goes half of everything you earn for twenty years. You'll have to give her money and baby-sit your kid on weekends while she has date night. And that's if the divorce goes well; it could be worse. That's what you're risking with marriage, and that's why it's so important to choose your bride wisely, if you get married at all.

 

[backbreaker]

I don't like to be so negative, but I just don't see very much that is positive about your dynamic with her. You have to behave, or she gets mad. In two short posts, I see her disrespecting you several times, and you not seeming to care.

It's not like there's a shortage of women in Southern California. And all of them want to get married. I think you can do better, and get a girl who respects you more.

You make more money at 24 without even having a 2-year degree than lawyers make where I live. If you marry her and knock her up a couple of times, and she leaves you again, there goes half of everything you earn for twenty years. You'll have to give her money and baby-sit your kid on weekends while she has date night. And that's if the divorce goes well; it could be worse. That's what you're risking with marriage, and that's why it's so important to choose your bride wisely, if you get married at all.

exactly. think of the first break up as a warning shot so to speak. dude you are 24 years old, you have a great career.

dude, wake up. you are a fvcking catch! come on man you deserve better than this. you are probably decent looking, you aren't a bum, you are a responsible adult. you need to wait for the river card son lol.

and the only reason i am even posting here is that unlike most guys here you actually have seemed to to get the fact that if you work hard earlier in life you can play hard later in life. and youa re about to throw all your pay hard money and time and energy down the drain by marring this ungrateful woman.

i'm not saying you shoudl get married at 24, i wouldn't but i am not saying you should. I got married at 27. but at 24, dammit the woman better be absolutely perfect.


you deserve better than this. you can either be 29-33 years old, spinning plates driving HB 8's and 9's around to the beach and fvcking like rabbits 3-4 nights a week or you can divorcred and having to send your now ex wife 1500 a month while you live in a shack in comp ton while she talks about how worthless of a bum you are. it's your choice.

lol PS- even better, beucase she has your 1500 a month coming in she isn't looking for financial security out of a man sot he guy will most defiantly be some type of bad boy alpha which she can afford to date and you will hear it day in and day out how much of a man he is anod hwo much of a man you aren't.

she won't understand nor particularly give a **** of the sacrifices that you as a successful highly eligable young man mde to be with her. she doesn't get it now.

and you don't deservet hat man. this girl is not for you. take that **** on the chin and move on. i guratnee you there is not one possible scenario where you are going to regret not marrying this girl. she's not going to become unbat**** crazxy. she's not going to be hotter at 31 than she is now at 23-24.

 

[Iceberg]

The breakup was initiated by her. She was under a lot of stress, coupled with the need to see what life was like without me.

I hate when guys make excuses for the poor behavior of a girlfriend. It's like you've lept through my laptop and kicked me in the nuts.

If a man says, "Hey I'm breaking up because I'm under too much stress right now. Plus I need to see what the single life is like." then it's believable. Because, for better or worse, men are creatures of logic.

Women do not break up for logical reasons. They break up because the hypothetical "spark" is gone. And rarely does it come back. And even MORE rarely does it come back after 3 months.

Your gf: "After dating you for 4 years, I didnt like you. But now that we've been back together fro 3 months, I'm totally sold and ready for a life together."

Does that sound right to you?

I told her she can meet me in the middle (since we we're sitting in my car), and I need her to be flexible & compromise. After a bit of fight, she gave in.

Everything about this feels like a bad idea. There are a couple of guys in here in healthy, happy LTRs, and one thing I never see from them is, "Yeah, my girlfriend dumping me really made our relationship stronger."

Especially since you're the one selling the idea of marriage to her. Man...this is like watching a cheesy horror movie unfold. The bad idea looks like a bad idea. And it's quite obvious.

you deserve better than this. you can either be 29-33 years old, spinning plates driving HB 8's and 9's around to the beach and fvcking like rabbits 3-4 nights a week or you can divorcred and having to send your now ex wife 1500 a month while you live in a shack in compton while she talks about how worthless of a bum you are. it's your choice.

Exactly. I don't even see why the marriage is necessary. Sure, there's a time in life when you want to settle down and plant some roots somewhere. But at 24, while pursuing an associates degree with the goal of ultimately getting an MBA?

What? Does he think the marriage will help him keep the girl? Make the relationship stronger? That's not how it works.

 

[Desdinova]

The breakup was initiated by her. She was under a lot of stress,

I don't give a fvck what kind of excuses you're making for her. Your ideal woman would and should NEVER break up with you. If she doesn't see you as too valuable to let you go, then she's not marriage material.

She's upset about the method in which I asked. She wants me to make it a surprise.

She's a dictator like Hitler. Do you REALLY want to spend your life with Hitler?

she tried to get me to give her a hug & told me I should be making her feel better.

Wow, there's lots of things she says you're doing wrong. Do you think a contract legally binding the two of you together will make her quit doing that?

After a bit of fight, she gave in.

The poor fvcking baby.

If I were you, I'd drop this woman like bird 5hit. She is NOT good marriage material.

 

[pdx1138]

Listen to what everyone is saying and DO NOT marry her.

Instead, if you must, get engaged ONLY and live together for at least 3-4 years first.

If you make it that long, you're golden.

I don't think it will.

and yes, do not make excuses for her.

It's both foolish and unnecessary.

 

[betheman]

she doesnt want to marry you, its quite obvious, with that in mind, she is primed for a branch swing, when the real deal comes along, which maybe she though did earlier this year, you will be dumped on your ar$e!
do not pursue marriage with this woman

 

[Colossus]

Genghis,

There is 100% unanimity in this thread. None of us know you either, so these are unbiased opinions.


I am in agreement with the others as well. Let's break it down:

-You are 24. In most of our opinions it is too young to be getting married.
-She broke up with you.
-She is exhibiting difficult behaviors that foretell her being a very difficult wife (passive-aggressiveness, 'punishing' you).
-She expects YOU to make her feel better. Sometimes a man can do this but this is not your job!

I've no doubt you have a lot of positives together and she isnt a bad person. HOWEVER, almost every relationship has positives, and they dont always cancel out the big negatives.

Us older men are cautioning you, Genghis. Not because we are know-it-alls but we've either been there ourselves or seen this story unfold 100 times.

 

[Jitterbug]

Genghis,

When she was under a little bit of stress in life (first world problems, I'm gonna bet), with zero possible gain, she dropped you like a hot potato.

If you marry her, and life inevitably gives her another dose of hard time, she will have extra incentives (cash, assets and social sympathy) to drop you once more.

Do you really want to give a woman who's proven unreliable in hard times a chance to rob you & drop you?

 

[zekko]

The woman has already shown she is more than willing to bail on you.
That alone makes it a bad idea to marry her.
Women are fickle enough without her demonstrating that she's predisposed to it.

Listen to what everyone is saying and DO NOT marry her.

Instead, if you must, get engaged ONLY and live together for at least 3-4 years first.

If you make it that long, you're golden.

There's never a time when you're golden.
These days, people are getting divorced even after 25 years.
And it's usually the woman doing the filing.

 

[GhengisT]

You guys are awesome, and all raise very valid points. This may come off as making excuses for her, but I'd like to lay out some more details.

We met shortly after my 20th birthday. I'm 6months older. I've lived on my own since age 18, she still lives with mom & dad, to this day. Just after her 22nd birthday, I knocked her up. I was OK with having the kid, but was supportive of whatever choice she wanted to make. We agreed that we weren't ready for a kid & went with the abortion pill (6-9wk window). For the next year, our sex life struggled, her moods became bipolar, etc.

Here's where it's really going to sound like excuses are being made for her, but I agree. Guys, feel free to chime in and tell me to pull my head out of my @$$ if you think I'm full of $h!t & still making excuses.

During the course of our relationship, I went from a lean 180lbs to 240lbs (I'm 5'11). I drank a 6pck of beer a night, smoked half a gram of herb with it, stopped focusing on my education, and doing things to better myself. I literally allowed my life to revolve around her. Went totally beta, became the boyfriend who got jealous when she would hang out with her friends.

So, naturally, things got to the point where she felt smothered, and I was a needy little b!tch. There was no cheating, or any wrong-doings that I am aware of. Supplement that with constantly being reminded by the abortion, through me, and we had both checked out of the relationship months before she finally spoke up.

During our time single, I dated 3 other girls regularly, got my **** together, and really started taking care of myself. Happier in my job, school, and overall life. I really felt like I was over her & then I ran into her outside my favorite pub. Within 2 minutes she's crying & we're making out. I told her she needed to date other people, that she wouldn't move on until she did.

Anyway, that's the jist of it. She's the one pressing the marriage issue, I just told her that I was feeling ready, finally. How do you propose I break her "controlling nature"? The thing that frustrates me is the whole marriage before living together thing.

 

[samspade]

You guys are awesome, and all raise very valid points. This may come off as making excuses for her, but I'd like to lay out some more details.

We met shortly after my 20th birthday. I'm 6months older. I've lived on my own since age 18, she still lives with mom & dad, to this day. Just after her 22nd birthday, I knocked her up. I was OK with having the kid, but was supportive of whatever choice she wanted to make. We agreed that we weren't ready for a kid & went with the abortion pill (6-9wk window). For the next year, our sex life struggled, her moods became bipolar, etc.

Here's where it's really going to sound like excuses are being made for her, but I agree. Guys, feel free to chime in and tell me to pull my head out of my @$$ if you think I'm full of $h!t & still making excuses.

During the course of our relationship, I went from a lean 180lbs to 240lbs (I'm 5'11). I drank a 6pck of beer a night, smoked half a gram of herb with it, stopped focusing on my education, and doing things to better myself. I literally allowed my life to revolve around her. Went totally beta, became the boyfriend who got jealous when she would hang out with her friends.

So, naturally, things got to the point where she felt smothered, and I was a needy little b!tch. There was no cheating, or any wrong-doings that I am aware of. Supplement that with constantly being reminded by the abortion, through me, and we had both checked out of the relationship months before she finally spoke up.

During our time single, I dated 3 other girls regularly, got my **** together, and really started taking care of myself. Happier in my job, school, and overall life. I really felt like I was over her & then I ran into her outside my favorite pub. Within 2 minutes she's crying & we're making out. I told her she needed to date other people, that she wouldn't move on until she did.

Anyway, that's the jist of it. She's the one pressing the marriage issue, I just told her that I was feeling ready, finally. How do you propose I break her "controlling nature"? The thing that frustrates me is the whole marriage before living together thing.

You've laid out a classic blueprint for a woman's interest level fluctuations.

As I'm sure you've concluded, your behavior after the relationship was over (staying in shape, having your shyt together, pursuing your happiness) is what you needed to do WITHIN the relationship. But you had a classic pitfall. You gained weight, drank and smoked, etc. Her vag went dry. For future reference, never stop being the guy who pursues his happiness and goals.

Can you break her "controlling nature"? Nah, why try? If she is blaming you for the abortion, I think you're always going to be carrying that cross, right or wrong. What does that say about her? She wants a storybook marriage to put on appearances. It's not about you or being in love with you. She doesn't want to wait for your school plans.

What's your end of the bargain, here? Having p*ssy on lockdown? Not "losing" her? Think again, mate.

You're not making excuses for her when you own up to your own mistakes. However, you must recognize that once her interest level drops, it's bound to stay there. It only spiked because you withdrew attention and improved yourself. It's likely to level out again, especially if you cede to her on marriage. Do you see where I'm going with this? You'd be handing it all back to her. She'll get bored. Don't do it.

 

[GhengisT]

If she is blaming you for the abortion, I think you're always going to be carrying that cross, right or wrong. What does that say about her? She wants a storybook marriage to put on appearances. It's not about you or being in love with you. She doesn't want to wait for your school plans.

You're not making excuses for her when you own up to your own mistakes. However, you must recognize that once her interest level drops, it's bound to stay there. It only spiked because you withdrew attention and improved yourself. It's likely to level out again, especially if you cede to her on marriage. Do you see where I'm going with this? You'd be handing it all back to her. She'll get bored. Don't do it.

When we initially started talking again, I told her that nothing gets swept under the rug, everything on the table, always. She explained that she thought she would feel better about the whole abortion thing because I reminded her of it, but during our time apart, that wasn't the case.

Since reconciling, I've told her that I'm happy with or without her. I'm building my empire whether she chooses to be a part of it or not. My next goal is purchase a condo (with or without her). She sent me a text later that night telling me that she loves me & is very excited to start building a future together. She's actively saving, so I know she's on-board

With what I mentioned above, how do you guys think the interest level adds up? She's a good person, and would be a good mother, but like all women, possessed by crazy.

 

[Bible_Belt]

That's one of the many ways in which relationships are difficult - the baggage you accumulate over time. It's not fair to you, but it is understandable to have emotional trauma over ending a pregnancy. That would be a good thing for her to talk to a real counselor about. She might check to see if her health insurance would pay for it.

Does she not spend a lot of time at your place already? How does that go? Is it her religious beliefs that keep you two from living together while unmarried? Her family would not approve, I guess?

You said that you let yourself go and drove her away. That's fair enough. But ask yourself why that happened. Were you subconsciously trying to create that situation? It's a lot easier to let yourself go after you get fat and married (those two always seem to go together). When she starts to put on the pounds, are you still going to have the drive to care about yourself?

If I had to guess at her priorities in life as they relate to your relationship, I'd guess #1 is religion, #2 is family, #3 is her naive princess entitlement mentality, and then making you happy comes in about fourth. After you have kids, you'll be fifth. All of the other priorities say to get married, so you are outnumbered and outranked if you try to disagree. But if making you happy was priority #1, she would just move in, be a good wife and worry about ceremony and making other people happy later.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The breakup was initiated by her.

NEXT.

https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/rooting-through-garbage/

At 24, marriage shouldn't even enter your vocabulary.

 

[GhengisT]

Does she not spend a lot of time at your place already? How does that go? Is it her religious beliefs that keep you two from living together while unmarried? Her family would not approve, I guess?

You said that you let yourself go and drove her away. That's fair enough. But ask yourself why that happened. Were you subconsciously trying to create that situation? It's a lot easier to let yourself go after you get fat and married (those two always seem to go together). When she starts to put on the pounds, are you still going to have the drive to care about yourself?

If I had to guess at her priorities in life as they relate to your relationship, I'd guess #1 is religion, #2 is family, #3 is her naive princess entitlement mentality, and then making you happy comes in about fourth. After you have kids, you'll be fifth. All of the other priorities say to get married, so you are outnumbered and outranked if you try to disagree. But if making you happy was priority #1, she would just move in, be a good wife and worry about ceremony and making other people happy later.

I'm going to say her priorities stack in this order:

1. Family
2. Career/School
3. Princess Entitlement

She's at my place a lot more these days. Her parents bought a house right behind my apartment complex. We spend the entirety of our weekends together, but during our 4yr relationship, we've only slept in the same bed maybe 4 or 5 times. Absurd right? We'll go out on a Friday or Saturday night, do the dinner, date thing, go back to my place & have sex. Take a nap for a couple hours, and I usually walk her out to her car or drive her around the block to her place between 12am & 2am.

It absolutely sucks waking up in the middle of the night to walk her out or drive her home. She said she's going to start trying to stay the night, but "has to plan it". She says that her parents will disown her, etc. Her parents approve of me, by all means, and I honestly think her dad wants her to move in with me. Her mom on the other hand is the cause for my headache, although the woman approves of me. Rock & a hard spot...

 

[nismo-4]

Your princess is in another castle. Move on.

Case closed.

 

[Burroughs]

study carefully

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=195329