Frame Work - Rebuild

[Fruitbat]

This is a very difficult decision just made. This isn't angst, only what's relevant is below. I made this decision to keep some element of frame so I can once again become a decent, respected man......

Long story short is I had a horrendous marriage which ended up with me supporting my mentally ill ex for several years, whilst having a mother who went full BPD crazy. This was such a horrible time I ended up drunk, on drugs 24/7, fighting people but mainly depressed, living in a state and untidy and fat. I also told people about my past abuse in childhood and other things which you would usually keep pretty close to your chest.

I have stopped being invited to anything, I see my only good mate once every 6 months...the whole group just turned (and have told me that I am seen as dangerous, dark and potentially a nutjob/murderer/weirdo)

I have been working very hard to rebuild everything but I just took the drastic step of basically removing myself from social media and any connections to this group of people. It's not really even their fault - but I cannot walk with my head held high with these people. Also, I had a horrible set of things happen which led me to this but none of that is validated which pisses me off.

So, I realise I can NEVER have frame with these people. I can never take a woman around as the more aggressive men know all my weaknesses....I'm basically a toxic brand of sorts,.

So, although dramatic, I have to make space for something new. I also want to give a big "**** off" to those who took some of the things said when at the depths of depression, drunk, and play that back as some sort of judgement.

Theres a thought nagging to never burn bridges but I haven't told anyone to piss off. I have just decided to go another way.

My fear now is when back dating I will seem a bit odd in having only 2 or so friends left. I also feel very isolated - BUT I figure that being alone is better than being the bottom feeder of a group, or the "weird" one.

It's funny how depression is different for men. If this was a woman after a divorce you can guarantee everyone rallying round but if you are a guy, you will be hurt further. Depressed women are "victims" depressed men are "dark and unpredictable"

So, to rebuild my self respect, I have to turn my back. I can't see another way.

Anyone done this or experienced similar, or views welcome?

 

[dude99]

Definately a tough one. Other than relocating and starting again, all i could suggest is doing what you are doing. Cutting bait with the past and meeting new people.

I have noticed over the last few years that "friends" and i use that word loosely, sometimes have an expire date on their friendship with you. When younarw down and actually needed them the most is when they disappear.

Even though you've picked yourself up and began the road to recovery are your friends and family still isolating you?

Is a relocation and starting over an option?

 

[Billtx49]

One night long ago when I was young, I went to a bar I frequented ten years earlier. Talked to an older man that still hung out there.
He gave me some wise words I will never forget.
'Never look to the past, always look to the future'.

The past helps to define the man we are today. The future is ours to choose.

 

[resilient]

Fruitbat, I've been down your road a little.

I didn't drink or do drugs, yet I was ostracized from my core social group of couples when my ex-wife and I split. We were the first to get married in the group and the first to get divorced. My friends didn't want to pick sides or worry that be uncomfortable being around me worrying that I would be bitter, dark, and brooding. I wasn't.

I had to develop new friendships all over again with various Meetup interest groups across town. They're not tight like my core high school buddies, but it takes the sting out of isolation.

The one suggestion I have is to not bring forth any of the toxic past forward in a new friendships/relationships. Accept what happened and leave it in the past. @billtx49 is right about what that old man in the bar said, you have to look to the future.

Work on being happy yourself, fun hobbies, emotionally and physically healthy. Vocally affirm things you like about yourself daily so you can retrain your negative thoughts into positivism.

If things don't continue to approve, consider an individual therapist to work through some of your issues to get you back to right as rain.

 

[Fruitbat]

Definately a tough one. Other than relocating and starting again, all i could suggest is doing what you are doing. Cutting bait with the past and meeting new people.

I have noticed over the last few years that "friends" and i use that word loosely, sometimes have an expire date on their friendship with you. When younarw down and actually needed them the most is when they disappear.

Even though you've picked yourself up and began the road to recovery are your friends and family still isolating you?

Is a relocation and starting over an option?

My family are close but it is a fairly dysfunctional one at times but I love my parents and couldn't leave them and go abroad, not now they are older. Family aren't the issue really, but I cannot stay too close as occassionally my mother goes a bit bonkers and then the family side of things become a problem.

Nobody has really isolated me, I just get left out and don't get invited. I tried to talk through this with one or two last time but, although very friendly on the surface, I can still detect the end of the road. The issue is as much me - I know how people can't understand it, many haven't had this type of thing to deal with or, fair play to them, just cope with it a bit better. I don't really blame them if I spin the mirror around, but it is what it is, whoever's "fault" it is, and it's very difficult to go back now.....what doesn't make it easier is I work in a very competitive team with a fairly unhealthy dynamic so no friendships there, and also that period destroyed a few work relationships too.....I think new job and potentially moving to a new area, rather than a new city.

 

[Fruitbat]

Fruitbat, I've been down your road a little.

I didn't drink or do drugs, yet I was ostracized from my core social group of couples when my ex-wife and I split. We were the first to get married in the group and the first to get divorced. My friends didn't want to pick sides or worry that be uncomfortable being around me worrying that I would be bitter, dark, and brooding. I wasn't.

I had to develop new friendships all over again with various Meetup interest groups across town. They're not tight like my core high school buddies, but it takes the sting out of isolation.

The one suggestion I have is to not bring forth any of the toxic past forward in a new friendships/relationships. Accept what happened and leave it in the past. @billtx49 is right about what that old man in the bar said, you have to look to the future.

Work on being happy yourself, fun hobbies, emotionally and physically healthy. Vocally affirm things you like about yourself daily so you can retrain your negative thoughts into positivism.

If things don't continue to approve, consider an individual therapist to work through some of your issues to get you back to right as rain.

Thanks mate, I am actually doing really well at work at present and am somewhat getting it together. I have done therapy which seemed to be just people telling me I shouldn't be ashamed etc and it seems to work in a world alien to my world. For example, I told my therapist about some stuff and because this was flowing in me, I then happened to drink a bottle of whisky at a party and told some people possibly the most personal **** I ever had. Far from helping, this just alienated them long term. My guess is therapy is tailored to women and I personally find self-work, goals, self guided positivity to be better. I think the other poster is right as you say, the past is gone, but it lingers in my mind as it is telling me some things are seriously wrong, but I can't really change those things....I have to change to be someone more private, less exposed and never drink unless you are with company you can trust - it spills out when I drink, mainly. I also get very angry when drunk and say stupid things,

 

[resilient]

Exactly.. my therapist recently told me I should work on being more private as well with new women I date. As in, don't cough up all my dark secrets of why my marriage failed to a potential main plate too damn early (2 month mark). Simple answer "Oh. I just didn't work out." No need to get into the weeds.

Any control you do over your drinking will be better for you in the long run.