Failed with this chick. Will appreciate friendly advice.

[CoolBlue]

First off I will like to say I have weaned myself off this board for advice for a long time. I didn't like the direction this board was going and I miss the old guys here I used to respect. But I'm feeling quite bad now so I will appreciate any comments and opinions on this.

I met this girl and slowly got to know her better. She is obviously attracted to me and she gave many indications and even verbalized her interest. We went out a few times. Problem is? She has a bf.

I made it clear that I wouldn't want to be too close to her if she's gonna have a bf while maintaining that I am interested in her. So I proposed we go on a date one last time to tie up our lose ends and settle things. She of course isn't sound happy about it and asked me to be patient as eventually there might be a reason for a to break up with her bf.

Then I asked for a movie date and as it happened she already planned to watch it with her bf. So before the movie I (childishly and immaturely) insisted that we watch the movie I wanted to watch. I kept going like a broken record and even went into a whiny tone like a child pouting. Well it wore her patience thin and eventually she got mad.

Good thing is later she got over it and started talking to me again and saying she wanted a make up some day. But she doesn't seem too excited anymore which is to be expected.

And after this she became increasingly less interested in her tone when she talks to me and kept insisting she is busy when I asked her if she was ever free. Eventually I got mad with that and I told her to stop jerking me around and tell me if she isn't interested and I'll be done. Of course she got pissed about it and started a silent treatment ignoring everything I have to say and even avoiding me in real life.

Well I just ignored her silent treatment and got on with my life, doing my work and dating other chicks. But recently we had to see each other for some classes so I saw she's still avoiding me. I sent her a text apologizing for my past behavior and she says she's over that. Then I texted her that I talked to her friend and decided we could be friends if she wanted which she she ignored. Later she went ahead and read the chat log I had with her friend without permission and she used some of the things i said there to get angry with me. I apologized if I did insult her and asked her if she wants to make up for it and be friends which she ignored.

Well now I still have to see her for some classes I hate it when I get ignored. So guys what do you think of this situation and what will you do about it?

I will appreciate nice friendly and constructive advice. Like what would you have done and what would you do now.

I obviously have behaved very unDJish at points and ignored massive red flags. I know so don't rub it in. Also I have been doing the standard plate spinning, hanging out, keeping busy and living my life which is great, but I will still like to undo this knot in my stomach. And yes NEXT is probably the best option but I will wonder if there is an amicable solution to this.

I don't want to see anyone giving strict lectures and rubbing the situation in here because I know I messed up already and probably will not let myself step into this if I could. Many new posters here like to take advantage and rub in the situation to show their superiority hoping to gain some respect on the boards. One of the reasons why I got turned off. Hopefully I won't get any of that yeah?

 

[katzorange]

first off, she has a bf,
second, she has a bf.
third she has a bf.
lastly, ur an idiot. she has a bf.

 

[NO MA'AM]

First off I will like to say I have weaned myself off this board for advice for a long time. I didn't like the direction this board was going and I miss the old guys here I used to respect. But I'm feeling quite bad now so I will appreciate any comments and opinions on this

{snip}

I don't want to see anyone giving strict lectures and rubbing the situation in here because I know I messed up already and probably will not let myself step into this if I could. Many new posters here like to take advantage and rub in the situation to show their superiority hoping to gain some respect on the boards. One of the reasons why I got turned off. Hopefully I won't get any of that yeah?

Are you seeking advice or approval here? FYI, I may be a new poster here, but I have been an active lurker for about three years. And I have no intention to show superiority hoping to gain some respect on the boards. The advice I give is based upon personal experiences, both positive and negative.

Now, to your problem. You shouldn't be pursuing a girl with a BF unless you understand your role as an F-Buddy. Would you want another guy moving in on your territory? Her BF must come first, and the role of the F-Buddy is to fill-in the empty spots. It's actually a pretty good deal for you, but just understand you won't get priority.

You've made a lot of mistakes here, no doubt about it. You've all but indicated you're an AFC by whining about seeing a particular movie, then indicating you might wait around to see how her current BF situation plays out, and finally apologizing to her after she saw communications she had no right to see in the first place.

Also I have been doing the standard plate spinning, hanging out, keeping busy and living my life which is great, but I will still like to undo this knot in my stomach. And yes NEXT is probably the best option but I will wonder if there is an amicable solution to this.

These activities are very positive. But if you want to undo the knot, either establish a role as an F-Buddy and good acquaintance with her, or you have to NEXT. Only an AFC would wait for a particular girl to come around.

 

[f283000]

YOU GOT SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS BROTHER! SERIOUSLY!!! Let's break this down

I made it clear that I wouldn't want to be too close to her if she's gonna have a bf while maintaining that I am interested in her. So I proposed we go on a date one last time to tie up our lose ends and settle things. She of course isn't sound happy about it and asked me to be patient as eventually there might be a reason for a to break up with her bf.

female translation = i'm going to keep you around as my emotional tampon/GIRLfriend/ego stroke, and that's where it ends.

Seriously brother you are one naive son of a gun. With your thread this is probably the million time I read about a poor guy being lead on by a girl with a bf. The only thing you are going to get in situations like this is playing with your hand while she plays with her bf's c*ck! Stop being so damn naive! This is a game women play with hopeless CHUMPS.

Then I asked for a movie date and as it happened she already planned to watch it with her bf. So before the movie I (childishly and immaturely) insisted that we watch the movie I wanted to watch. I kept going like a broken record and even went into a whiny tone like a child pouting. Well it wore her patience thin and eventually she got mad.

Good thing is later she got over it and started talking to me again and saying she wanted a make up some day. But she doesn't seem too excited anymore which is to be expected.

You really love stroking her ego don't you? You sure gave her an ego stroke by crying over wanting to see a movie with her when she crushed your hopes by telling you she was going with her bf! Then you rationalize how she is supposed to be mad at you for whining. You should be mad at yourself for being a p***sy

And after this she became increasingly less interested in her tone when she talks to me and kept insisting she is busy when I asked her if she was ever free. Eventually I got mad with that and I told her to stop jerking me around and tell me if she isn't interested and I'll be done. Of course she got pissed about it and started a silent treatment ignoring everything I have to say and even avoiding me in real life.

Um when a girl ignores you/tells you she is busy constantly and making herself un-available to you THAT IS TELLING YOU SHE IS NOT INTERESTED!

That's how most women do it (or they give you the friend card). What else do you want? a written 5 page essay explanation?

This is a really really bad post and frankly I could pick it apart more but i'll let the rest of the fellas do it. You really need to read the dj bible and actually apply what it says. Your behavior with this girl is downright embarrasing.

FORGET ABOUT HER just like she was hoping you would forget about her with her constant avoidance of you.

 

[scribblec]

you have been here for 8 years and this is how u react? wow

first she has a bf and is completly gassing you and your the one that ends up apologising many times begging to be her friend? what patheticness is that

 

[CoolBlue]

See here are couple or responses I didn't want to hear. Like from scribblec and f283000. I anticipated this.

Obviously I am not a total fool, I can tell that she is really interested in me and find me more attractive than her bf. She wanted to be sure she had her hand on the branch before she could swing, and I didn't give her the luxury. So I guess she is withdrawing out of fear because she can easily leave me out if she is not interested.

Anyway she isn't giving the friend card at all, and the pulling away is probably some punishment she wants to give me. Trust me I am not and have never been an emotional tampon to her and would have pulled out wayy earlier if I didn't get extremely strong IOIs. You really believe I am a fool enough to mess with someone else's girl? It's usually not worth the effort but this one seems to have delivered herself in a platter so I thought why not give it a shot there isn't much to lose.

 

[f283000]

Obviously I am not a total fool, I can tell that she is really interested in me and find me more attractive than her bf. She wanted to be sure she had her hand on the branch before she could swing, and I didn't give her the luxury. So I guess she is withdrawing out of fear because she can easily leave me out if she is not interested.

rofl you are totally delusional you need to snap out of it brother. No wonder you don't want truth because you really need to be smacked accross the face, WAKE UP!

this one seems to have delivered herself in a platter so I thought why not give it a shot there isn't much to lose.

rofl I think everyone including myself got the opposite from reading your post. Let me re-read it just to make sure

ok I was right you are delusional

 

[jophil28]

It's usually not worth the effort but this one seems to have delivered herself in a platter so I thought why not give it a shot there isn't much to lose.

Indeed there is not much left to lose. You have lost all your frame, you have lost any chance of beating out her B/f and you have surrendered every tiny shred of self respect.
However you do have two elements left - a fantasy version of what is really happening and a battered, but somewhat bloated, ego which refuses to let go .

 

[NO MA'AM]

See here are couple or responses I didn't want to hear. Like from scribblec and f283000. I anticipated this.

Then you're seeking approval which, under the circumstances, will be very difficult to find around here.

Obviously I am not a total fool, I can tell that she is really interested in me and find me more attractive than her bf. She wanted to be sure she had her hand on the branch before she could swing, and I didn't give her the luxury. So I guess she is withdrawing out of fear because she can easily leave me out if she is not interested.

This makes nearly no sense. It sounds like you're saying that she prefers you over her current BF, but before she ended things with him she wanted to be sure she could seamlessly transition to you, but when you gave male resistance, she reversed those plans, but then she is indecisive and can easily leave you out? Huh? :crazy:

Anyway she isn't giving the friend card at all, and the pulling away is probably some punishment she wants to give me. Trust me I am not and have never been an emotional tampon to her and would have pulled out wayy earlier if I didn't get extremely strong IOIs. You really believe I am a fool enough to mess with someone else's girl? It's usually not worth the effort but this one seems to have delivered herself in a platter so I thought why not give it a shot there isn't much to lose.

Well, if she is giving you "punishment", I wouldn't put up with it, and I think most alpha non-AFC guys around here wouldn't either, and especially not from a girl who has a BF. As for those "extremely strong IOIs", it sounds more like you're justifying your reasons for going after this attached girl.

 

[CoolBlue]

rofl you are totally delusional you need to snap out of it brother. No wonder you don't want truth because you really need to be smacked accross the face, WAKE UP!

rofl I think everyone including myself got the opposite from reading your post. Let me re-read it just to make sure

ok I was right you are delusional

Right I'm delusional and you win ok? YaYYY you are such a champion I'm a chump. So can you leave the thread now champion?

Sigh looks like I was right, posting here is a waste of time. Anybody here who has anything positive to contribute though I'll clarify this to you:

I'm obviously not interested in going all out and stealing someone else's gf, especially not someone who has zero interest in me to start with. I have a life and also am extremely lazy to put in unnecessary effort on things that won't pay off. This girl came in, showed strong interest, went out of her way to get closer to me and even do things for me. I truly believe she is just bored of her bf and is regretting her choice of man she picked while she was younger and less mature. If not then she is some conniving stupid ***** who has nothing better to do but to play around with guys and putting in alot of effort at it. But seeing that she is well educated, has a life and other activities as well as a LONG relationship with her bf (together for years already, no playing ***** would have lasted that long), I highly doubt she is one and she has really put in the effort to demonstrate her interest while verbalizing it too.

Now I didn't think too much of her and was thinking I can turn her into a plate or something as she still has a big bf red flag. Since she isn't that important I got impatient and forced her to make decisions in favor of me ahead of her bf when she isn't that ready. Most AFCs would have sucked up to her and let her do whatever she wanted as long as he remains close to her. I'm not and I didn't care that much. Well she got pissed I'm forcing her when she was not ready, and despite what you want to believe it is not easy to just leave a few year old relationship and jump to another guy and if she can do it she will be a total cold *****. I'm sure even you guys will struggle a little if you have to break with your gf of several years to go date Scarlett Johansson. Well then when Scarlett started being a forceful *****, maybe you'd be angry athough you still won't shut her out completely.

Well eventually though she decided to play the silent game. Could be a ploy, could be that she really isn't interested anymore but she could have told me that when I asked, could be her way of punishing me to make be yield which I'm glad and didn't do or she could be struggling with her bf and want to sort things out without having me around to influence her. Either way I lost my read here and should bail. But I still have to see her around a few weeks though and having this hanging certainly isn't a good feel. Trust me I have been living my life and dating other chicks but when you have it rubbing in front of you feeling bad about it is inevitable.

I'm not seeking approval, what kinda approval am I seeking for anyway? I'm advocating next here, so if you think I'm seeking people to tell me to next her then good for you. I just want to know people's thoughts on this and whether anyone shared similar experiences.

 

[ARrocket]

Well now I still have to see her for some classes I hate it when I get ignored. So guys what do you think of this situation and what will you do about it?

I will appreciate nice friendly and constructive advice. Like what would you have done and what would you do now.

I obviously have behaved very unDJish at points and ignored massive red flags. I know so don't rub it in. Also I have been doing the standard plate spinning, hanging out, keeping busy and living my life which is great, but I will still like to undo this knot in my stomach. And yes NEXT is probably the best option but I will wonder if there is an amicable solution to this.

I don't want to see anyone giving strict lectures and rubbing the situation in here because I know I messed up already and probably will not let myself step into this if I could. Many new posters here like to take advantage and rub in the situation to show their superiority hoping to gain some respect on the boards. One of the reasons why I got turned off. Hopefully I won't get any of that yeah?

Ok dude, it's clear that you have a general idea as to why this didn't work out. But seriously...you "hate being ignored?" Your problem here I think is going beyond this chick...you're needy! Now then, you say you don't want to be lectured, so what do you want? You want to know what we would have done, what we would do now, and how to find an amicable solution.

Well I WOULD have flirted her shamelessly and escalated as if she didn't have a boyfriend. You say you don't want to mess around with some guy's girlfriend, but if you respected him at all, you wouldn't even think about this girl. So obviously you don't, so don't try saying that now. Escalate, and if she goes with it, great. If not, wait until she dumps the guy.

NOW, I would walk away from the situation. Ignore her. Be civil when you see her, but don't ever contact her for anything other than professional reasons.

Amicable solution? For whom? You're only going to lose more dignity if you keep trying to contact her and "not be ignored."

The others are kind of saying the same thing...because what more is there to say? You want to be friends with her why? You were interested in her, why settle for friendship? REGARDLESS, when you asked for friendship, she ignored you. That action speaks VOLUMES.

I know it's not what you want to hear man, but just let this one go, live your life, spin plates, etc. It sounds like you're already doing that, so keep on doin it and don't look back.

 

[CoolBlue]

Ok dude, it's clear that you have a general idea as to why this didn't work out. But seriously...you "hate being ignored?" Your problem here I think is going beyond this chick...you're needy! Now then, you say you don't want to be lectured, so what do you want? You want to know what we would have done, what we would do now, and how to find an amicable solution.

Actually I do not know what any of you would have done and I don't believe you all will do the same. Hence my asking.

Well I WOULD have flirted her shamelessly and escalated as if she didn't have a boyfriend. You say you don't want to mess around with some guy's girlfriend, but if you respected him at all, you wouldn't even think about this girl. So obviously you don't, so don't try saying that now. Escalate, and if she goes with it, great. If not, wait until she dumps the guy.

Obviously I do not respect the guy, but I say I won't mess around with a guy's gf because the odds of it working out are low and things tend to get too messy to be worth the effort. And I'm thinking about this because the odds of it working out seems better due to the chick's high IL. Trust me I could not give less of a crap about how the other guy feels, it's all about me.

NOW, I would walk away from the situation. Ignore her. Be civil when you see her, but don't ever contact her for anything other than professional reasons.

Thanks for your input. Your opinions and suggestions are what I am looking for

Amicable solution? For whom? You're only going to lose more dignity if you keep trying to contact her and "not be ignored."

The others are kind of saying the same thing...because what more is there to say? You want to be friends with her why? You were interested in her, why settle for friendship? REGARDLESS, when you asked for friendship, she ignored you. That action speaks VOLUMES.

I dunno...I guess it just stuns me I guess. A girl suddenly showing high IL and then disappears. Could be a myriad of reasons and not knowing is what eating me I guess. If she told me right now she isn't interested anymore I would drop it so quickly and move on. I mean she didn't what to make it clear she is not interested, she didn't want to trap me along as friends...the usual b*tch reasons don't add up. That puzzles and somehow you feel she is just being silly and you might be able to do something about it. But I think I care too much though.

I know it's not what you want to hear man, but just let this one go, live your life, spin plates, etc. It sounds like you're already doing that, so keep on doin it and don't look back.

I guess so

 

[nismo-4]

Next this girl before and after you listen to your uncle f283000!

My friendliest advice is in 5 steps.

1. Cut off contact.
2. Move on.
3. Spin more plates.
4. Move the f**k on.
5. Don't forget #'s 1-4.

You've disappointed Judge Nismo-4. Now I have to list your offenses.

1. Chasing after an uninterested woman.
2. Constant pestering of said woman.
3. Suggesting a movie date.
4. Putting her on a pedestal.

What Judge Nismo-4 is gonna do is dismiss this case because you plead guilty of your actions. I accept your guilty plea. But I will tell you that you need to just ignore this girl and be seen with another one.

Case closed.

 

[ARrocket]

I dunno...I guess it just stuns me I guess. A girl suddenly showing high IL and then disappears. Could be a myriad of reasons and not knowing is what eating me I guess. If she told me right now she isn't interested anymore I would drop it so quickly and move on. I mean she didn't what to make it clear she is not interested, she didn't want to trap me along as friends...the usual b*tch reasons don't add up. That puzzles and somehow you feel she is just being silly and you might be able to do something about it. But I think I care too much though.

Ah yes. I don't really know what to tell you...could have been anything. Only thing I can say is that a woman's behavior cannot always be scrutinized logically, as they are not always driven logically. Ever heard the quote "you can do everything right, yet still fail"? Well, you sure didn't do everything right, but even if you had, this could have happened. THEREFORE, there's no use getting bent out of shape over it. Move on, spin plates, yadda yadda yadda.

You knew that answer. But that's the beauty of these forums...sometimes, it's just nice to get a much-needed reality check.

 

[Ease]

You need to let down your ego, and know when you need to take a beating.

Sometimes there will be people with more experience than you, learn from them and gain, dont let your own stupidity reject it. That's not to say that everyone that gives you advice knows better, but you know when someone knows what they're talking about.

You left out something huge in your first post also, did you ever kiss her?

Now I didn't think too much of her and was thinking I can turn her into a plate or something as she still has a big bf red flag. Since she isn't that important I got impatient and forced her to make decisions in favor of me ahead of her bf when she isn't that ready. Most AFCs would have sucked up to her and let her do whatever she wanted as long as he remains close to her. I'm not and I didn't care that much. Well she got pissed I'm forcing her when she was not ready, and despite what you want to believe it is not easy to just leave a few year old relationship and jump to another guy and if she can do it she will be a total cold *****.

Here's where your wrong. You're playing the 'exciting new guy' game. You have to be more exciting, alpha and mysterious than her old boyfriend. You have to really do the whole 'push-pull' thing, and do everything you can to make her think about you. That's the key with getting girls with boyfriends, you have to make her think about you more than him. Its easy to get her excited, because she is bored. But its difficult to make the move, because she will not be willing. She wants the excitement, but might not neceserily want to cheat. You have to make her want you so bad and make yourself such an exciting-badboy-player that she will throw herself at you in the back of your car.

The same rules do not apply, everything is maxed out X10. Basically you were wrong in your actions with the girl, dont justify it with nonsense.

 

[CarlitosWay]

You need to let down your ego, and know when you need to take a beating.

You left out something huge in your first post also, did you ever kiss her?

Bingo...

OP cares too much. She has a bf yet you don't really know her BF. So he could be an awesome guy for all you know and she's just playing with you for fun/cause she can. Than you got a bit too serious and you probably scared her off.