Discomfort Zone

[Mr.Style]

As someone who has been around this site for many months and who has started his own approach journal it is clear to me what the biggest stumbling block is to progress for guys on this site - the comfort zone.What is 'comfort'?It sounds like a nice word but when you analyse it,you realise that it is a horrible word.It is not like 'relaxation'.No,comfort is the retreat of the self.There are a number of great,sensible and well-written posts on this site but I don't believe they will work on the majority of people here.Why?Because of the comfort zone.I have read many well-written posts on this site by Pook,Anti-Dump etc. and while they have got me fired up,when push comes to shove,I do nothing.Why?Because I take refuge in my comfort zone.
I wager there are many people here who know exactly what I'm talking about.

What is the comfort zone?For me it's my TV,the internet,computer games etc.All these things prevent me from being more sociable,approaching women and so forth.There are numerous posts on this site giving great advice around women but if the guys on here are afraid of getting out of their comfort zone,these posts are about as effective as telling a person suffering from depression to cheer up.I don't feel there are enough posts trying to deal with the problem of the comfort zone so permit me to try with this post which will become a 'discomfort zone' journal.
Each day I will do things to take myself out of my comfort zone.
For example,I will:

Socialise with people I wouldn't normally - i.e. people at bus stop
Study in my college instead of watching TV at home
Ban myself from TV and internet

These are just examples but the point is to do things that I find uncomfortable so things like approaching women becomes comfortable.I believe that before trying Boot Camps and Approach Journals,people should try a Discomfort Zone Journal to find out what it is that they take comfort and refuge in and deprive themselves of it.Only by breaking away from our comfort zones can we find the character within ourselves.

 

[Mr.Style]

OK,an analysis of my first day of 'discomfort'.I could've done more but breaking free of the comfort zone(or expanding it,whatever you prefer) isn't easy.Things I did that I found uncomfortable:

- Worked on my posture throughout the day( I tend to hunch)
- I waved to a HB I like in my class (I'd normally do nothing but I got a wave back)
- I had a conversation with a guy in my class at bus stop (not bad for a quiet loner)
- I cracked a few good jokes today and expressed myself well.

Ways I fell back into the comfort zone:

- I slept late and missed most of my lectures(that's definitely comfort)
- I didn't study when I should have
- I watched TV and used the net

Improvement is required.Uncomfortable things I hope to do Thursday:

- Study even if it means staying late in college
- Avoid the TV and internet
- Talk to strangers I meet at bus stops,around campus etc.
- Try and strike up a convo with a girl and to get number

"The superior man thinks always of virtue;the common man thinks of comfort." - Confucius

 

[Beatflux]

Your "Discomfort Zone" is also known as Bill Harris's Safety Issue. From the experiences from childhood we create a map of reality to keep us safe in our childhood environment. The beliefs, values, and strategies encompass this map of reality and when challenged, it brings up this part of us which doesn't want to change: Discomfort Zone. If you really want to expand your comfort zone to near infinity you might want to meditate. Binaural Beats are much faster than traditional meditation and one of the best meditation programs is Holosync.

 

[DrSoSuave]

People who venture into the "Discomfort" zone are the ones who will survive longer due to them being familiar with a situation in those Discomfort zones. Once you become used to it, it becomes second nature like driving a car for the first time (which of course was very scary for most people.)

 

[Mr.Style]

Originally posted by DrSoSuave
People who venture into the "Discomfort" zone are the ones who will survive longer due to them being familiar with a situation in those Discomfort zones. Once you become used to it, it becomes second nature like driving a car for the first time (which of course was very scary for most people.)

Well that's what I'm trying to achieve with this.As for my day on Thursday,it was pretty bad.Things I did that I found uncomfortable:

- Called some of my friends who I hadn't heard from(usually I wouldn't be the one to call)

Ways I fell back into the comfort zone:

- Slept late and missed ALL my lectures(bad move)
- I did no study
- I watched TV and used the net

Objectives for Friday for the Discomfort Zone:

- Wake up on time and head to college
- Study
- Talk to strangers I happen to see
- Try and strike up a convo with a HB and maybe get a number
- Chat to the HB that I waved to the other day

 

[Mr.Style]

A report on how Friday went:

Things I did that I found uncomfortable:

- I went to college despite being absolutely knackered(at least I went!)
- I waved to girl I fancy but she didn't notice me but I got over it and waved again and then got a response(no big deal but still...)
- Arranged to meet up with my friends next week(I don't get out enough)

Ways I fell back into comfort zone:

- Didn't study
- Too much use of TV and net
- Wasted two chances to talk to HBs:
(HB8 was at bus stop and gave me eye contact but I said nothing.Bah!)
(HB7 was at my table with her three friends eating lunch.She gave me alot of eye contact and I should've at least said Hi but I was intimidated by her group of friends)
- I ran into the girl I fancied later on.I wasn't looking where I was going so I was kind of surprised.She said hello but I would've loved to do a stop and chat.(I should've handled that situation better)

I need to venture into the discomfort zone more.I need to start talking to strangers.It's not easy to do in Ireland but I'm determined to get there eventually.

 

[PVSSY-EATER]

Just my opinion guy, but I don't think comfort has anything to do with it. Why do guys overanalyze this women situation? One guys says, YOU MUST BE CONFIDENT. The other says, YOU MUST BE A MAN. The other says, YOU MUST HAVE TESTERONE. Fvck all that! If you want to sleep with one woman, two women, three women, and so on and so on....just....GET OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! We gentlemen, only lack confidence because we THINK WE DO! We gentlemen, are only in our "comfort zones" because we THINK WE ARE!! Fvck play video games, watch T.V., those are things you like right? WHAT DOES THOSE THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU GETTING A GIRL. It's all in your head dude.

 

[Mr.Style]

Originally posted by PVSSY-EATER
Just my opinion guy, but I don't think comfort has anything to do with it. Why do guys overanalyze this women situation? One guys says, YOU MUST BE CONFIDENT. The other says, YOU MUST BE A MAN. The other says, YOU MUST HAVE TESTERONE. Fvck all that! If you want to sleep with one woman, two women, three women, and so on and so on....just....GET OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! We gentlemen, only lack confidence because we THINK WE DO! We gentlemen, are only in our "comfort zones" because we THINK WE ARE!! Fvck play video games, watch T.V., those are things you like right? WHAT DOES THOSE THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU GETTING A GIRL. It's all in your head dude.

Well you are right in that there are different opinions on this site but then again we are all different and have different problems.My problems stem from a lack of confidence.I know that.If I'm with a girl and I've had a few drinks on me I can be the smoothest guy in the world but when I'm sober I am uptight, nervous, and afraid of messing up.You are right in that it is in my head but the only way I feel I can get over it is to confront my fears and beat them.One of my favourite quotes is by William Jennings Bryan and it is this:

"The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.Destiny is not a matter of chance;it is a matter of choice.It is not a thing to be waited for;it is a thing to be achieved."

This quote sums up my feelings on the matter pretty well.I feel the best way to develop my self-confidence is to confront my fears.That is the point of this 'discomfort zone journal'.
It might not be the universal solution for every guy on this site but it might help alot of guys.

 

[PVSSY-EATER]

Listen I don't care what Pook, Anti-Dump, or anybody else says, CONFIDENCE IS A GOD-DAMN CHOICE!! Confidence is not a skill, not a talent, not experience, you dont need a college degree, you dont need to be tall, you dont need to have low body fat, you dont even fvcking have to be comfortable!!! SERIOUSLY!! This is what confidence is: You wake up in the morning, get out of bed and say: Today I will am confident. And then you think that way the entire day, and soon, you will realize, that you will begin to turn into a don juan. WE ALL ARE DON JUANS. WE Just dont think we are. Trust me, and fvck....try it tomorrow. Just THINK you are the man and walk, and talk, and act, like you are the man....now listen, no matter what someone says to you.....KEEP THINKING YOU ARE THE MAN.....and watch.....just fvckin watch dude

 

[Littledude]

Originally posted by PVSSY-EATER
Listen I don't care what Pook, Anti-Dump, or anybody else says, CONFIDENCE IS A GOD-DAMN CHOICE!! Confidence is not a skill, not a talent, not experience, you dont need a college degree, you dont need to be tall, you dont need to have low body fat, you dont even fvcking have to be comfortable!!! SERIOUSLY!! This is what confidence is: You wake up in the morning, get out of bed and say: Today I will am confident. And then you think that way the entire day, and soon, you will realize, that you will begin to turn into a don juan. WE ALL ARE DON JUANS. WE Just dont think we are. Trust me, and fvck....try it tomorrow. Just THINK you are the man and walk, and talk, and act, like you are the man....now listen, no matter what someone says to you.....KEEP THINKING YOU ARE THE MAN.....and watch.....just fvckin watch dude

Please keep an open mind man. You forget that not everyone is like you. Not everyone is as "mentally strong", if u will, as others. Sure YOU can wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you will be confident all day and you can constantly remind yourself through the day that u are confident but that just DOES NOT work for me and probably for other don juans. I know that if i try and say that, i'm just fooling myself. Telling myself that I will be confident does not help one bit. All it does it just constantly make me try to put on a show and try to convince myself and others that I am confident. However, it is probably worse for me to approach the situation in that manner.

In my opinion, confidence is a mindset and overall feeling that you carry around with you. THe only way I can achieve this is to constantly venture out into an uncomfortable situation such as cold approaches and gain confidence from those successful events. Facing down fears results in the greatest confidence of all because without fear, you are not weak. If you are not and do not feel weak and vulnerable, then you will have the most confidence than anyone else.

Last, you're doing great work Mr. Style. Keep it up man, because I know that I'm learning from your ideas and I'm going to incorporate them into my life as well. I love tackling on things that i'm uncomfortable about such as cold approaches or just winking at a hot chick. It gives me adrenaline rushes and makes life a million times more fun and worthwhile.

 

[Mr.Style]

Originally posted by Littledude

Last, you're doing great work Mr. Style. Keep it up man, because I know that I'm learning from your ideas and I'm going to incorporate them into my life as well. I love tackling on things that i'm uncomfortable about such as cold approaches or just winking at a hot chick. It gives me adrenaline rushes and makes life a million times more fun and worthwhile.

Thanks for the encouragement Littledude.As for my progress, I regret to say I fell back into my comfort zone in the last few days.I got my Easter holidays so I basically sat around the house doing nothing which was not good at all.Thankfully Paddy's Day came along and I went out drinking with my friends which was great...until I got drunk and had to be put into a taxi by my mates.
Things I did that were uncomfortable on Paddy's Day:

- Well I got out of the house and chatted with my mates
- I got to talking to alot of people down at the pub
- I made some new friends while I was out
- My convo skills were great all evening and I cracked jokes (although the drink was a factor)

Ways I slipped back into my comfort zone:

- On Paddy's day I didn't but I did today as I was nursing a hangover so I stayed home all day.

There's a good chance I'll slip back into my comfort zone on Saturday so I intend to go to town and do some shopping to get myself out of the house.

 

[Mr.Style]

Well it's fair to say I've slipped back into my comfort zone since I last posted.I'm going to have to apply this 'Discomfort Zone' journal on a daily basis if it is to work as it is very tempting to fall into my comfort zone after one or two moments of discomfort.
Yesterday, my moments of discomfort could be summed up as:

- Going out drinking with my mates

Not much but but it was good that I did go out.I realised how much I'd gone back into my shell when I actually got nervous about going out.My issues with socialisng seemed to be coming back.I ignored these feelings and went out although one of my friends was acting like a ****. He claimed he was great around women and that I was basically sh*t.He also at one point announced he was the most attractive guy in the room.I've nothing wrong with guys with confidence but that seemed like arrogance to me! It's also bullsh*t as i refuse to believe he is more attractive than me (not that I'm claiming I'm great) At one point we discussed our 'game' and I had this to say:

Me: My philosophy around women is to keep the conversation centred around her.
My friend: Why do that?That's stupid.
Me:Because a woman's favourite topic is herself.
My friend: Nah, you're better off talking about yourself.At least that way you can impress the girl.

Personally I think my friend is talking out of his arse.I'm sure I have what it takes to be successful around women.My biggest problem is myself.I need to get out of this self-inflicted comfort zone.I intend to.

Objectives for Wednesday in the Discomfort Zone:

- Get my hair cut since it's pretty long
- Head to college and study
- Strike up a convo with a girl
- Cut down on TV and internet use

"Remember there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible." - Author unknown

 

[Cheat_LBJ]

Originally posted by PVSSY-EATER
Listen I don't care what Pook, Anti-Dump, or anybody else says, CONFIDENCE IS A GOD-DAMN CHOICE!! Confidence is not a skill, not a talent, not experience, you dont need a college degree, you dont need to be tall, you dont need to have low body fat, you dont even fvcking have to be comfortable!!! SERIOUSLY!! This is what confidence is: You wake up in the morning, get out of bed and say: Today I will am confident. And then you think that way the entire day, and soon, you will realize, that you will begin to turn into a don juan. WE ALL ARE DON JUANS. WE Just dont think we are. Trust me, and fvck....try it tomorrow. Just THINK you are the man and walk, and talk, and act, like you are the man....now listen, no matter what someone says to you.....KEEP THINKING YOU ARE THE MAN.....and watch.....just fvckin watch dude

Couldn't disagree more.

Confidence is derrived from belief (in this case, belief in ones own ability to succeed at a given venture). If you have no basis for belief (you have never been successful in the past), it becomes very difficult to have confidence.

For myself (as well as many others I'm sure), I have never succeeded at gaming a broad in any setting and the end result of my attempts to game is usually just an awkward "Well, bye, I guess..." From that, there is no basis to believe I have the ability to be successful at this kinda thing.

Thus, no confidence.

I think the bottom line is that confidence is a lot like the old axiom "In order to make money, you've got to spend money." In order to have confidence, you've got to be confident.

-LB

 

[Fender]

Love how your doing it Mr. Style- baby steps...Keep it up! Most people around here want an instant cure, a button that'll make them confident, and so, they rush things. They forget that:

"More haste= less speed"

Pvssy eater, i think comfort has a lot to do with confidence actually. Why do ppl stay in their comfort zones? Cause their SCARED of the outside. If you are confident, you won't be scared, and therefore, you're comfort zone expands. But i agree with you totally, telling yourself "You da MAN" helps loads. It's just a bit hard to constantly say that in your head.

Confidence is nothing but trust. Being self confident is the ability tro have trust in your abilities and skills. Thus, you must FIRST build your skills and abilities so you have SOMETHING to trust in. Go out there and do some discomfort activites. Soon, you will realise that theres nothing to be afraid of. You will "prove" to yourself that your skills and abilities are in good condition, and your TRUST in them will grow...and VOILA! Confidence!

 

[Mr.Style]

Originally posted by Fender
Love how your doing it Mr. Style- baby steps...Keep it up! Most people around here want an instant cure, a button that'll make them confident, and so, they rush things. They forget that:

"More haste= less speed"

Thanks for the kind words, Fender. It's been quite a while since I last updated this "Discomfort Zone Journal". I have to say that in the last few weeks I have definitely come out of my comfort zone. I got hit by a bad chest infection which kept me out of college for two weeks but I've recovered from that and I feel good! I've also started going out with my friends more and more and my circle of friends has expanded. I also plucked up the courage to hang out with a girl in my lectures that I'd been meaning to talk to and I've ditched a girl that I had been hanging out with who I didn't have anything in common with. Last week I also got a girl's phone number. Life seems very enjoyable right now even though I've exams for college next week and it looks likely I'll fail and have to repeat them in August! The road ahead for me is filled with discomfort so I figured I'd revive my journal and let others see me struggling to make a go of things as I strive to improve my life. I'm stuck at home with the flu right now thanks to a drinking session with my mates over the weekend but my life will get busy as of tomorrow and hopefully busy will mean better!

Objectives for Thursday in the Discomfort Zone:

- Meet my friends (I owe them money!)
- Head to college and study
- Strike up some conversations with some HBs
- Deprive myself of TV and net access
- Deprive myself of alcohol

Breaking out of the comfort zone ain't easy but it's rewarding!

"Opportunity desn't knock. You knock, opportunity answers." - Proverb

 

[Qmanchoo]

Ok, well, I'm going to just relate some of the things that have given me a HUGE boost of confidence after I did them and in the end turned me into a confident person. Practical things that you can do to create confidence within youself.

If you lack confidence or have confidence everyone got that way through a series of feelings as the result of a number of situations in the past.

Confidence is naturally expressed when you learn how to handle every sitaution life can throw at you and be able to walk away from it feeling like a man.

Insecurity, anger, confusion all expressed when you don't know how to handle something and always walk away from things feeling crushed, or at a disadvantage.

1. Make a speech in front of a large crowd (school presentation, school organization meetings) The more stressful the situation and the more people involved the GREATER your return will be confidence wise.

2. Talking to strangers over the phone. I did this at work for a number of months until i realized that I stopped caring what these people though and kinda just went though a script I developed naturally in my head.

3. Use AIM, MySpace, and LiveJournal to send messages to REALLY REALLY HOT women, the kind that you think even brad pitt would have a hard time with (becuase those chicks are all on there!" (see what gets responses, what doesn't, and in the end realize that you were talking the whole time to a HOT chick. HOT!)

4. Ask youself, what is the most important question you want a woman to answer about dating if you could ask? When you think of it go to a local bar and act all official, even dress the part if you want and get a clipboard, say you're from a dating website (guydatesgirl.com or whatever) trying to help good guys learn what women really like and want to have more successful relationships (lol dude you wont even have to say anything, they will talk endlessly about whatever question you ask)

And think, #4 is risk free, once you get the answer...say thanks and walk away, you don't want a number, you don't want a date, you don't want to marry them, you don't want to **** em. All you want is an answer to your question and to walk away knowing you talked with a chick. That's it.

5. Get involved in a sport you really like.
Personally, I started an ammature paintball team and compete in regional tournaments every 4 months. We have practice once a week on sundays, I need to organize the team, be in contact with field owners to get good prices on practices, bust balls and teach my guys how to play and compete, motivate them, hang out with them. Big confidence booster!

Confidence is a feeling that your BODY WILL GIVE YOU when you're experienced, have a life, have plenty of friends, have a good relationship with your family, have a good job, have a nice place to live, have good clothes, are well groomed, and have relationships with women (to whatever extent) remember... you don't need a girlfriend to be confident. You just need to know how to get one and know you could if you wanted to (experience!)

EDIT:
May seem obvious but...
experiences with positive outcomes, have a rewarding life, have plenty of friends that respect you and treat you well, and have quality relationships with quality women

 

[sstype]

Mr. Style that is the biggest thing about becoming successful in all aspects is to grab your balls and just do it. Sure we may not succeed every time. I still get flushed with embarrasment whenever I do something stupid in front of other people, but hey their just flawed human beings who have probably been in the same situation. So when I tell myself that, i feel more relaxed.

"Do not underestimate yourself, nor overestimate the fellow sitting next to you"
David Shwartz

Yeah it can be scary out there. We feel like the whole world is watching our every move. We feel like if we make a mistake, everyone will call us a loser. Well guess what guys, no pain no gain. We need to get rejected, we need to be ridiculed, we need to be put down. Why? Because it makes us STRONGER inside.

As a matter of fact, I will put it this way. This girl who I asked for her number, Im gonna call her and make her REJECT ME. Instead of working to get her to accept me, I am going to do the opposite. I'm gonna say stupid shyt to her and not give two shyts about how she feels about it. And if she says no, that is FINE, cause I will have accomplished something, and that is throwing away the EGO, putting ourselves in a discomforting position, and making ourselves stronger by exposing ourselves to discomfort.

What Mr. Style is emphasizing is eventually we will get more comfortable being in discomfort. Is that not awesome. That is confidence right there.

 

[Mr.Style]

Originally posted by sstype


What Mr. Style is emphasizing is eventually we will get more comfortable being in discomfort. Is that not awesome. That is confidence right there.

Cheers sstype. You have understood what it is I'm trying to get from this. I liked your advice Qmanchoo especially the one about getting involved in a sport. After my exams, I'll do just that.
Here's some things I did today to expand my comfort zone:

- Met my friends and gave them the money I owed
- I also played football with my mates against some little kids. It was embarrassing as I had no energy thanks to this flu I have at the moment! We still won though.
- I then went and played snooker and ended up getting into an argument with my friend. There are three of us and usually when there's a dispute the other two will side with each other as they know each other longer. Usually this doesn't phase me too much. Today though, one of my friends said I had cheated during the game and when I said this was not the case (and it wasn't the case), he said I was a liar and the two of them sided with each other. Normally, I would just accept this and back down. Not today! I stood up to my friend's bullsh*t and he couldn't believe it! We sorted it out later and all was well and I think they respect me more for actually having the balls to stand up for myself for once.
- When we drank, I avoided alcohol which was the smart thing to do

Ways I fell back into my comfort zone:

- Did no study (I'm f*cked for my exams!)
- Watched TV
- Used net too much

Objectives for Friday in the Discomfort Zone:

- to finally do some study in college
- to avoid tv
- to avoid beer
- to avoid the internet
- Strike up some conversations with some HBs (it's been too long!)

"Life is a sum of all your choices" - Albert Camus

 

[Virtú]

It infuriates me that the only way to get something that I want is to do something that I don't want.

Emptiness or pain - that's some choice; you're screwed no matter what you do.

 

[the12thplanet]

great post.

this post sums up what ive been thinking for a long time, that the key to succes in anything is being willing to do things which we dont enjoy.

i didnt think of doing it in a systematic way tho. i think im gonna try this tho its a GREAT idea.

mad props