Dealing with emotion and reaction

[Young_Don]

So I've found a recurring pattern with women I start getting feelings for. I'm pretty selective when it comes to taking a girl seriously and considering commitment, not just with looks but how well we connect and whether there are red flags that I pick up on or not.

This past month, I've been speaking with this girl (she's 21, I'm 25) and we've been getting on great. So great, to the point that for over a week, we were facetiming for hours into the early morning. I could tell she was growing feelings for me and I was for her as well, although I was a lot more reserved about it.

Daily, she would joke around telling me to admit I had feelings for her etc and it seemed like she really wanted me to come clean and just tell her, but I held out until she amitted it on her own first.

The last time we spoke was last thursday night, I didn't hear a word from her in 4 days. She didn't bother to even send me a snap or reply to the couple I sent to her. So Monday night I asked if everything was ok, and she gave me the typical "busy" bull**** excuse and I just told her that I know she's ghosting me and I want to know why..

She said she's scared of commitment and freaked out when she realised she did have feelings for me, and I basically told her that ghosting me and pressuring me to admit I have feelings only to cut me off is messed up. She didn't reply.. I've been NC since then, until tonight, she took a screenshot of our chat in snapchat, so I replied "?" and she ignored again..

I'm really ****ing pissed about this and I don't know whether that's even the right way for me to feel about it or if I should act on that anger or not. I'm so close to deleting her off everything social media, but I feel like that's such an easy let off for her.

I'm just fed up with this **** happening, girls leading me on and then dropping me without a moments notice like I'm disposable. I want to know how I can prevent this in the future and what my next move should be and why.. Because right now I just want to bury her, but at the same time I feel like that will make me look needy af

 

[Spaz]

Women normally dump used Kotex in the dustbin after its been filled and used up.

Being Mr. Kotex is a sure fire way of getting dumped.

 

[Roober]

I have said this time and time again.... A MAN'S GIFT IS HIS TIME

Look at time like your currency. To start, add up each "free" hour of your life and convert to $100. You have known this woman for only a month, and have given her how many 100's of dollars? What percentage of your "currency" have you saved for yourself? It sounds like you are in the thousands, maybe even 10's of thousands on this woman. And what have you gotten in return? What you are doing is playing with penny stocks, a very high risk, often with little to no reward; you need to begin thinking about value investing. Think about the long term. Time is the one thing that we only have limited amounts of, so use it wisely!

If you need strict rules...
1. Only see a woman once a week for the first 3 months
2. Calls are limited to 20 minutes max, 10 minutes is ideal
3. You do not text or call everyday, unless she reaches out first
4. Your currency needs to be spent on good investments (dates and sex), not poor investments (snap, phone, social media, etc.)

For example, I have been dating my lady for about 11 months (don't know when It really started). For the first 4 months, we saw each other roughly once a week. I sexed her good every single time I saw her. Sometimes it would be for a weekend, sometimes it would be a couple hours. I rarely shared how I feel about her (I do love and care about her) or ever told her, until I know she was feeling like a throwaway. I would then share a bit, just a little bit.

Guys need to let these things develop naturally, and not force them along.

Remember, it's okay if she is moving too fast, but if a man goes along with it, he is going to pay for it. You went along with it and are now paying the price as it sounds like you have done numerous times...

 

[The Duke]

The more you deal with women the more you understand their true nature. They are fickle, irrational, emotional. Most of them don't act much different in their 40's! But there are things you can do to tip the scales in your favor.

Stop caring so much. Stop investing so much time(hours of face timing). I'm assuming you didn't have sex with her either?

Women want validation/attention. Men want sex. Only offer just enough validation/attention to get the pump primed for getting sex. Provide validation/attention to get what you want. Take it away when she doesn't give you what you want. When women tell me "Howie.....I don't know how you feel about me.......you are hot and cold..." I just smile because I know I have them by the tail and I have the power. The one who cares the least has the most power. She knew you had feelings for her, women are good at detecting that. She wasn't working for you at all.

I wouldn't buy her story of fearing commitment. That was just a typical female lie they all tell. They certainly don't fear committing to a guy that has everything they want and flips all the switches.

I've got a girl that at times hates my guts. I give her little attention. I never initiate any texting, my response times are all over the map. I've showed up at her house after the bar more than once just to sleep with her. A few times she has gone off on me but she still hasn't denied me sex! She demands I take her out on nice dates, I rarely do. When she is in my presence she gets plenty of affection, but when I'm gone its pretty much non-existent.

This won't last forever like this and I don't care when it ends. But I have all the control because I have her in constant chase mode. I'm a challenge. She hasn't figured me out. I'm hot and cold. She is working for my affecton/attention and the validation she craves. She even brought me over some food when I was sick. I'm pretty much acting like a flakey/non committed/irrational/selfish 20 something female......and it works quite well.

 

[btownbuck2012]

OP -

I've learned the hard way that getting this upset over a woman means that you are a.) overvaluing and misunderstanding what they are and, more importantly, what they are capable of providing you and b.) you're still plugged into a societal, herd mindset that isn't beneficial to you or your future as a man.

 

[QuadDeuces]

You say you have been speaking to this girl, does that mean you didn't have sex yet?
When I read you have been Facetiming until early in the morning, it comes across you're a little too available.
Women love men who are mysterious, busy, hard to get a hold of and long phone video calls do kill sexual tension pretty quickly.

So when she says that the commitment is scaring her, maybe it could have been that you are persuing her too much and she doesn't have to do a lot of work and she feels smothered.

Send as minimal amount of texts possible, set up a date, give her an amazing time, and then disappear and don't be so available so that she has to fight for your attention. That is a good routine to keep women interested.

 

[Roober]

I wouldn't buy her story of fearing commitment. That was just a typical female lie they all tell. They certainly don't fear committing to a guy that has everything they want and flips all the switches.

I don't understand this from women. Is there a set of lies women have to break up with men? Do they read this in magazines? Google? There has to be a list somewhere, lol. Does this play help alleviate their guilt? My last girl gave me the "I just feel like I need to be single for a bit. This was so much so soon.... blah blah" Then she is with another dude almost immediately.

This is the classic "nice guy" letdown from women. Why not just be blatant and say... "you don't make my pvssy tingle"? Maybe @BeExcellent can chime in on why this is such a popular excuse from women?

 

[btownbuck2012]

I don't understand this from women. Is there a set of lies women have to break up with men? Do they read this in magazines? Google? There has to be a list somewhere, lol. Does this play help alleviate their guilt? My last girl gave me the "I just feel like I need to be single for a bit. This was so much so soon.... blah blah" Then she is with another dude almost immediately.

This is the classic "nice guy" letdown from women. Why not just be blatant and say... "you don't make my pvssy tingle"? Maybe @BeExcellent can chime in on why this is such a popular excuse from women?

Lack of character, life experience, empathy and integrity.

 

[Pandora]

Chicks that act like this will never be in a healthy relationship until they change. Women don't neccesarily need a guy to play hard to get. They have the ability to be attracted to regular guys that show healthy consistent interest. For example, do you think your grandfather had to fake disinterest to get you grandmother. Do you think he had to limit his interaction with her to only once a week and act indifferent. No. He didn't. Those old school relationships lasted forever.

Look at the girls in non westernized nations. You will see the geekiest loser looking dude with the hottest chick. That loser looking dude didn't run any special game on her. He is a chump in all actuality. The girl that the OP is talking about is a very spoiled, narcissistic, subset of Western women. They are a perversion of true femininity. Unfortunately these women make up the majority of attractive women in the United States.

Women that need dark triad traits in their man end up sabotaging their relationships over and over again. A relationship only works if the man is deeply in "love" and the women accepts that "love". If a guy is indifferent to a chick in the beginning, its only gonna get worse as time goes on. This is why these girls are never successful in relationships. The girls that were able to accept a normal guys adoration for her are in healthy married relationships right now. Don't worry OP, she will be single ( or bounce from guy to guy) until she can change her paradigm.

 

[The Duke]

Chicks that act like this will never be in a healthy relationship until they change. Women don't neccesarily need a guy to play hard to get. They have the ability to be attracted to regular guys that show healthy consistent interest. For example, do you think your grandfather had to fake disinterest to get you grandmother. Do you think he had to limit his interaction with her to only once a week and act indifferent. No. He didn't. Those old school relationships lasted forever.

Look at the girls in non westernized nations. You will see the geekiest loser looking dude with the hottest chick. That loser looking dude didn't run any special game on her. He is a chump in all actuality. The girl that the OP is talking about is a very spoiled, narcissistic, subset of Western women. They are a perversion of true femininity. Unfortunately these women make up the majority of attractive women in the United States.

Women that need dark triad traits in their man end up sabotaging their relationships over and over again. A relationship only works if the man is deeply in "love" and the women accepts that "love". If a guy is indifferent to a chick in the beginning, its only gonna get worse as time goes on. This is why these girls are never successful in relationships. The girls that were able to accept a normal guys adoration for her are in healthy married relationships right now. Don't worry OP, she will be single ( or bounce from guy to guy) until she can change her paradigm.

I agree with what you are saying, but don't forget the girls in Grandpa's day didn't have the options they have today. Too many options helps drive the issues these girls have. Men had the upper hand in most aspects of life. Also, society had unwritten rules that these girls were expected to abide by or they were labeled wh0res. Today its ok to be a wh0re. Its ok to get knocked up and be a single mommy. You give them too many choices/options and women fail and become miserable every time. That's why they all want men that are confident leader types. Back in the day a chump who didn't have these traits could have an easier time because he didn't have to deal with women that had options. Those relationships lasted forever because Grandma didn't work, didn't have her own money, she couldn't vote, many didn't even drive their own car. Society had men as the prize, not the women. It was the womans duty to please the man. Not so today.

All women have these issues today, it just varies to different degrees. The healthier ones don't tolerate the games as long either. But I've still been burnt by healthy ones trying to act right. I prefer to come out on top no matter what game we are playing.

 

[Young_Don]

Background info on her, she's aiming to become a singer (legit frikken amazing) and she's been all over TV around her home country and some parts of Europe, she's got almost 14k followers on IG and 45k on FB, so she's no stranger to attention. Her dad died when she was quite young, a lot of her friends have died, she's diagnosed with ADHD, lives on her own and reckons she's only ever slept with 2 guys.

I can completely understand any of you thinking.."well what the f were you thinking", and call me ignorant, which I guess I am, but she was just a great person to get to know. I was thinking that I'm giving her a lot of my time, obviously too much, but it annoys the **** out of me that I can't just enjoy someone for who they are without playing stupid ****ing games and acting indifferent. How am I ever meant to actually be happy within a LTR by living this way...? It's all fake and suppressed bs.

I don't want to just bang girls and get what use I can out of them. I've done all that **** and it's not even enjoyable, it's a distraction and a secretive way to self validate yourself like unlocking achievements in a video game. I'm also not even overly emotional or clingy/needy when I start getting feelings for a girl, I know how to present myself, have dignity and self respect, and I never play their chase game.

I'm just fed up with this ****. Who here can say that they've never slipped up in their attempts to be indifferent and why does it always have to end with being dropped like a bag of **** without any notice

 

[btownbuck2012]

dad died when she was quite young

And there it is

 

[BeExcellent]

I don't understand this from women. Is there a set of lies women have to break up with men? Do they read this in magazines? Google? There has to be a list somewhere, lol. Does this play help alleviate their guilt? My last girl gave me the "I just feel like I need to be single for a bit. This was so much so soon.... blah blah" Then she is with another dude almost immediately.

This is the classic "nice guy" letdown from women. Why not just be blatant and say... "you don't make my pvssy tingle"? Maybe @BeExcellent can chime in on why this is such a popular excuse from women?

A direct woman will tell you in no uncertain terms that you don't do it for her. However very few women are direct and therein lies the issue. The majority of women won't come clean about lack of attraction and so you get the female version of "it's not you, it's me" in a feeble attempt to NOT hurt the guy's feelings and to (Ahem, more importantly) not feel like a sh!tty person for disappointing someone else.

You see many women are at their core pleaser types. The idea of causing someone else displeasure or discomfort is awful, so they delusionally tell you a white lie or a fairy tale to just get it over with...or these days...they ghost. It's less uncomfortable.

If I'm not attracted to a man who is hitting on me I am polite but direct. I'll say "I'm sure you are very nice, but I'm just not attracted." most men take that at face value and move on. Some are complimentary and appreciative for the direct statement. Now if I've been out on a date or two with a man (and I don't go out with a man unless there is some level of attraction) and the attraction dies (in one case the dude had 12 dogs who lived in his house and his dogs were precious to him and on and on ad nauseum...I thought *Oh my God - you need a crazy dog lover nut like you*...) for whatever reason, then that's a little different. Sometimes I'm direct, other times I do the slow fade.

In the case of the dog nut, there was no way I was going to potentially insult his love of his doggies and puppies by telling him the whole dog thing has utterly killed any attraction for him...rather I let him know I was going to pursue things with someone else...and that man is in fact the man I am currently dating still today...but after I let him know I was going to see what developed with someone else I just went NC on dog dude and that was that. No harm, no foul, no insult to his passion about dogs and a reasonable explanation why I wasn't into him (I was more into somebody else.)

 

[R.U.G.]

Brother, hey, I get you. However, she's westernized. You, need to stick to the script moving forward. The only thing you can do now is drop all contact and see if she turns around and runs after you (doubtful). I've been in this situation and you cannot talk to them or text with them for long periods until they are in love with you. If they call you, then fine, chat for 10 - 15 minutes and then say you have to jet. If they text you, fine, reply anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours later. It shows you are putting YOURSELF as a priority and not them. If they do not follow, no problem. You can reach out ONCE PER WEEK VIA PHONE to setup a date. Phones (texts and calls) are for setting up plans and eventually hooking up. You need to read How To Be A 3% Man. I think there is an audio book out now too. This one is prob. done, but follow those rules and READ THE BOOK.

Step away brother, step away. You need to fight your instincts to reach out and become a maxipad. Unfortunately, nowadays, it's just your turn. With this one, she looks at you as a friend, not someone she wants to ride. You did this because you chatted with her for hours on end. DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!! Am I clear? You need to be aloof, mysterious, and unavailable. When a woman calls, answer some times, let it go to VM later. Next morning, text her back, sorry, mad busy or fell asleep. This makes her think you are not putting her on a pedestal and couldn't care less what she's doing. Thus, this can make her wonder why isn't he doing tricks to impress me.

It's just the way it is. We've all gone down this path. If and when a woman wants or is breaking up with you, just say, okay, I understand. If you change your mind, let me know. Then, you can revisit that situation, if you wish. Let me be clear here... DO NOT CHASE WOMEN. They do not respect that. Call once a week, and then even switch it up to once every other week, then back to once a week again. Different days of course. This will drive her crazy, and then increase your value to her. She will wonder, WTF is he doing? He's so busy. He's with other women. Why am I not higher up on his priority list? Do not be like 97% of men. Be different. You need her to chase you.

Was I clear?

 

[R.U.G.]

A direct woman will tell you in no uncertain terms that you don't do it for her. However very few women are direct and therein lies the issue. The majority of women won't come clean about lack of attraction and so you get the female version of "it's not you, it's me" in a feeble attempt to NOT hurt the guy's feelings and to (Ahem, more importantly) not feel like a sh!tty person for disappointing someone else.

You see many women are at their core pleaser types. The idea of causing someone else displeasure or discomfort is awful, so they delusionally tell you a white lie or a fairy tale to just get it over with...or these days...they ghost. It's less uncomfortable.

If I'm not attracted to a man who is hitting on me I am polite but direct. I'll say "I'm sure you are very nice, but I'm just not attracted." most men take that at face value and move on. Some are complimentary and appreciative for the direct statement. Now if I've been out on a date or two with a man (and I don't go out with a man unless there is some level of attraction) and the attraction dies (in one case the dude had 12 dogs who lived in his house and his dogs were precious to him and on and on ad nauseum...I thought *Oh my God - you need a crazy dog lover nut like you*...) for whatever reason, then that's a little different. Sometimes I'm direct, other times I do the slow fade.

In the case of the dog nut, there was no way I was going to potentially insult his love of his doggies and puppies by telling him the whole dog thing has utterly killed any attraction for him...rather I let him know I was going to pursue things with someone else...and that man is in fact the man I am currently dating still today...but after I let him know I was going to see what developed with someone else I just went NC on dog dude and that was that. No harm, no foul, no insult to his passion about dogs and a reasonable explanation why I wasn't into him (I was more into somebody else.)

Please... Most of them are self-righteous wh0res. This is one of the reasons why you need to walk away and pay little attention to them in order to get their attention. Completely backwards and f'd-up.

 

[BeExcellent]

@Roober asked. I gave my perspective as a female...but I realize I do not and cannot speak for all women. I appreciate directness because I value my time. Therefore I come from the assumption that men also value their time and as such appreciate directness. So I gave my own perspective... as well as the most common thing I hear in the ladies' locker room. FWIW of course.

 

[R.U.G.]

@Roober asked. I gave my perspective as a female...but I realize I do not and cannot speak for all women. I appreciate directness because I value my time. Therefore I come from the assumption that men also value their time and as such appreciate directness. So I gave my own perspective... as well as the most common thing I hear in the ladies' locker room. FWIW of course.

Noticed, I stated MOST, not all. Nothing is ever all. There are always exceptions to the rule. Just being direct and honest.

As you should also know, what a woman says and what a woman does has little correlation in terms of feelings, emotions and relationships.

 

[Roober]

@Roober asked. I gave my perspective as a female...but I realize I do not and cannot speak for all women. I appreciate directness because I value my time. Therefore I come from the assumption that men also value their time and as such appreciate directness. So I gave my own perspective... as well as the most common thing I hear in the ladies' locker room. FWIW of course.

And that is sort of what I figured. Women just don't want to come across as mean or hurt anyone's feelings. I just find it hilarious that the indirect approach of breaking up tends to boil down to a few reasons.
1. Some variation of not ready for commitment
2. Need space
3. Ghosting
4. I see you as a friend
Its like it comes from a book that all women are required to read when they start dating. If every man knew these couple reasons, there would be a lot less heartacje

 

[Dash Riprock]

Chicks that act like this will never be in a healthy relationship until they change. Women don't neccesarily need a guy to play hard to get. They have the ability to be attracted to regular guys that show healthy consistent interest. For example, do you think your grandfather had to fake disinterest to get you grandmother. Do you think he had to limit his interaction with her to only once a week and act indifferent. No. He didn't. Those old school relationships lasted forever.

Look at the girls in non westernized nations. You will see the geekiest loser looking dude with the hottest chick. That loser looking dude didn't run any special game on her. He is a chump in all actuality. The girl that the OP is talking about is a very spoiled, narcissistic, subset of Western women. They are a perversion of true femininity. Unfortunately these women make up the majority of attractive women in the United States.

Women that need dark triad traits in their man end up sabotaging their relationships over and over again. A relationship only works if the man is deeply in "love" and the women accepts that "love". If a guy is indifferent to a chick in the beginning, its only gonna get worse as time goes on. This is why these girls are never successful in relationships. The girls that were able to accept a normal guys adoration for her are in healthy married relationships right now. Don't worry OP, she will be single ( or bounce from guy to guy) until she can change her paradigm.

Really good, and truthful, post.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Background info on her, she's aiming to become a singer (legit frikken amazing) and she's been all over TV around her home country and some parts of Europe, she's got almost 14k followers on IG and 45k on FB, so she's no stranger to attention. Her dad died when she was quite young, a lot of her friends have died, she's diagnosed with ADHD, lives on her own and reckons she's only ever slept with 2 guys.

I can completely understand any of you thinking.."well what the f were you thinking", and call me ignorant, which I guess I am, but she was just a great person to get to know. I was thinking that I'm giving her a lot of my time, obviously too much, but it annoys the **** out of me that I can't just enjoy someone for who they are without playing stupid ****ing games and acting indifferent. How am I ever meant to actually be happy within a LTR by living this way...? It's all fake and suppressed bs.

I don't want to just bang girls and get what use I can out of them. I've done all that **** and it's not even enjoyable, it's a distraction and a secretive way to self validate yourself like unlocking achievements in a video game. I'm also not even overly emotional or clingy/needy when I start getting feelings for a girl, I know how to present myself, have dignity and self respect, and I never play their chase game.

I'm just fed up with this ****. Who here can say that they've never slipped up in their attempts to be indifferent and why does it always have to end with being dropped like a bag of **** without any notice

She's the problem, bro. She seems like a bad choice for a LTR and is f*ucked up. I've dated many of these over the years and can spot the flags now 10 miles away but it takes experience. Yeah, I will agree you made yourself a little too available and maybe she goaded you into stating your feelings for her which is usually a bad idea so early on. Games maybe, but it's also called a "dating dance." The SS posters that are telling you to reward her with your time is good advice. Have options or at least give the impression you do. Women are attracted to men with goals, drive, passion, and who are busy working on their lives. So just make the girls secondary and by default you'll be more attractive. I would recommend reading some of David DeAngelo's blogs and material about attraction not being a choice and some other subjects. You seem like a decent, straight-up dude. You'll get there, bud. Learn and advance.

Good luck.

Dash