at a crossroads..........

[The Duke]

My ltr of 1.5years has been pushing the marriage agenda the past several months. She is in her 30's and never married so she still believes in the fairy tale. She doesn't want any big expensive ceremony or fancy diamond ring.

She knows I'm not big on marriage but I'm not against it. Anytime there is an argument, the marriage thing comes up. I've told her I am willing, but just not right now. Then she throws the I don't love her crap at me and I don't give her the affection she wants.

It has come to the point that even if we were married I'm not sure she would be happy. Since marriage wasn't my idea and she is the one pursueing it then any attempt I would make would be invalid. I can't win.

She sent me this song by Brandy.
"Almost Doesn't Count"


Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But everytime you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya around
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count


Do I stay in this or bail? Its like if things aren't on her terms she gets upset. I've told her that I'm not going to string her along just to keep her. I'm not that kind of person. She just doesn't have faith I suppose. She's made a bunch of sacrifices to be with me but those were all her choice. Yet I get to hear how she gave up so much and I gave up nothing.

Deep down I think I know what to do, but I just hate to throw away a pretty solid girl. Maybe she's not as solid as I think.....

The whole reason I'm not rushing into marriage is because I'm a rational and methodical thinker. I want to be convinced that its with out a doubt the right thing to do for both of us. She's a typical woman(irrational and emotional) so you can't count on her to make the right choices. I'm not interested in another failed marriage.

If I'm good enough to have then why am I not good enough to wait on?

 

[Boilermaker]

Brother... Getting emotional on a song and undertaking marriage because of that?

I read your note.

You know what to do.

Don't expect reassurance on an answer you already know.

 

[Bible_Belt]

1. Do you want kids? Does she?
   
2. Is there any major discrepancy between your respective incomes and assets or net worths? Any big debts like student loans?
   
3. Are you living together now?

 

[samspade]

Don't do it.

Sincerely,
A Happily Married Man

 

[Boilermaker]

4. Do you want to get married?

 

[The Duke]

I'm not getting emotional over a song. I just posted it to provide insight to how she was thinking.

I don't want kids and neither does she. She already had one who is pretty much grown up so the kid thing is a non issue.

As far as income goes, I make $20K/yr more than her. The only debt I have is with my house and it will be paid off in 10yrs. She's got a little credit card debt, $35K on a boat, $10K for a vehicle and a house with no equity in it. I also will inherit a significant amount of land & property at some point in my life, and I certainly don't want any woman having any type of right to it.

As far as wanting to get married..........if I could get by with having a live in girlfriend forever that would be my first choice. Hell all of us here are pretty much in that boat. But thats not reality.

I've been married, divorced, had one night stands, nailed a married one, nailed a few strippers, dated poor girls, dated rich girls, dated young girls, dated old girls, dated cougars, dated models, even dated a bipolar one. I've had some amazing wild ass times and have some great stories. I'm also not afraid of going with out. I've learned from my failures and had some sweet success in this silly dating game.

I am tired of letting someone into my life and then having it fall apart. I'm tired of random chics. I have no interest in nailing some hot girl just because I can. Been there, done that, got the trophy. So what.

I want some stability in my life. I have a pretty good chic with some old fashion values that I would like to hang onto. If I have to marry her to keep her I would but only if its the right thing to do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel things werent right. She hasn't convinced me its the right thing to do. I have a few concerns with her that I think will come to the surface if given enough time.

 

[scrouds]

"if you loved me more then you loved the idea of getting married, you wouldn't need a ring"

 

[pdx1138]

"if you loved me more then you loved the idea of getting married, you wouldn't need a ring"

that might deter her....for a week.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

The truth is that relationships are always about AGENDAS...

Everyone who gets into a relationship has an agenda. But only two people who've got the SAME agenda have a shot at a LASTING relationship.


V.U.

 

[Aristippus]

Getting married won't solve your problems. If there are any problematic behaviors or attitudes that she needs to correct in herself, then they will only get WORSE if you get married. If you notice any warning signs or behaviors that make you hesitate, solve those problems first. If the two of you can solve your problems before you're married, then marriage might be worth a shot, IF the conditions are met that make you feel comfortable with the idea.

As long as those conditions are met consistently, over a prolonged period of time, you can consider taking the next step if you desire to. But not before then. And if the conditions you desire are NOT met, then you should put off marriage indefinitely.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Howie,
I agree with Bible Basher,if you want kids then if she is good genetic stock well fair enough....It's when asking becomes demanding that things get rough!......Of course should you go down the Marriage Road,from my experience,a Pre-Nuptial is essential,

 

[Warrior74]

Remember, the poem The Road Not Taken isn't about the untravelled path, they both are (read it again). It's about the regret of choices. Neither road is worse for wear, you just have to make a decision. Every decision carries the possible future pain of regret. You can only do what you think is best for you.

You haven't said if you love this girl or not. I'm assuming you do, but I had to stop assuming and start thinking, and I kinda think that you don't. Is she just comfortable?

 

[betheman]

do you see yourself with this women in 30 years time? more? once the honeymoon of marriage and novelty has worn off?
my last serious LTR askend me to marry her, I was very tempted, oo many niggly doubts, and her previous relationships and her behaviours stopped me saying yes. I told her, its the mans role to decide when to marry and to ask, Ill decide when the time is right...we crashed and burned 3 months later! my decision was right, just because a woman proclaims undying love and wants marriage, doesnt mean they love you, marriage is often a goal, its rarely about two people committing to each other anymore

 

[SecondHalf]

I want some stability in my life. I have a pretty good chic with some old fashion values that I would like to hang onto. If I have to marry her to keep her I would but only if its the right thing to do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel things werent right. She hasn't convinced me its the right thing to do. I have a few concerns with her that I think will come to the surface if given enough time.

Unless there is a little SoSuave posturing, it sounds like settling to me.

If I would ever consider putting my testicles on a chopping block again, it better be with someone to whom I can find virtually no faults and whose interest level in me is through the roof.

When I read your posts, I'm getting the vibe of "if I have to ... I suppose ... ok, ok, I'll do it".
Given that you appear to have no issues with bangables, ask yourself this ... will I get bored? When she settles down, porks on 10+ pounds, gets complacent at her knob polishing, what will you do? Read the Sunday paper, or go on the prowl.

If there is anything I've ever learned, never settle for "I suppose this might work". It's a recipe for disaster.

Regardless what you do, invest some serious, honest time getting to that decision.

SH

 

[Solomon]

I've been married, divorced, had one night stands, nailed a married one, nailed a few strippers, dated poor girls, dated rich girls, dated young girls, dated old girls, dated cougars, dated models, even dated a bipolar one. I've had some amazing wild ass times and have some great stories. I'm also not afraid of going with out. I've learned from my failures and had some sweet success in this silly dating game.

I am tired of letting someone into my life and then having it fall apart. I'm tired of random chics. I have no interest in nailing some hot girl just because I can. Been there, done that, got the trophy. So what.

"Real Player" Problems when will it be my turn

 

[sodbuster]

DO a prenup or put your assets in a trust...that's how the Kennedy's are able to treat women like toilet paper and not lose money. IF she won't sign it...I guess you have her agenda figured out

 

[Greasy Pig]

If you submit to getting married, you're dancing to her tune and merely trying to please her or keep the peace.
These are definitely NOT reasons to get married.
Marriage should be between two people who both want to commit, not because one person has a shotgun sticking in your back and basically forcing you to.

Don't think for one second that this woman will suddenly become the dutiful little housewife if you marry her.
I'm sure she'll find some other reason to complain and then you're stuck with her.

 

[sodbuster]

The interview is ALWAYS better than the job performance when dealing with marriage

 

[5string]

Howie

With respect, I see her pushing for marriage to be a red flag brother. I say you maintain the status quo and see if she sticks around for you. Could it be that she feels her expiration date is approaching?

All I know, is to attempt to make someone do something they either don't want to do, or are unsure if they wish to is wrong any way I look at it.

Watch your six, and take care of you first and foremost.

 

[The Duke]

Guys, thanks for all the solid advice. I'll make sure I come back to read it again in a few months.

Yes she feels her expiration date is nearing although she won't admit it. She's in her 30's and could pass for late 20's. Her mother could be a
geriatric super model if there was such a thing! lol. The girl has good genetics. She has nothing to worry about but just too irrational to get it like most women.

Yes she is willing to sign a prenup.

I'll just keep on riding the brake until she has convinced me this is the right thing to do. She knows what she needs to do.