The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

I'm on Day 19 not day 51...must be confusing me with another poster. And as I've said before I'm acknowledging the possibility of her reaching out because this is her pattern. Not preparing for such eventualities would only leave me like a dear in the headlights and risk the possibility of falling back into a toxic relationship like many people in this thread have done. Understand that all attempts for her to reach out at the moment will be ignored. Following through with NC has never been a problem for me in the past. And now I know what I'm dealing with it makes it a thousand times easier.

Without trying to sound like an arrogant douche I think I have a better sense of self value than the majority of people coming out of a BPD relationship. I really am ok. I havent sufferred any loss of self esteem, etc. After the emotional hurdle of the first 2 weeks (which one would experience at the end of any relationship, BDP or otherwise) things have stabilised.

I don't know your entire situation bluealpha, but when giving advice people tend to project their own experiences on to other people. So let me assure you of a few things:

• 60 days NC will NOT be a problem for me. I no longer crave her in the same way. I know my value. These things will keep me centred.
• IF she's come back she will be ignored. Then if I choose to reconnect at a later date it will be on my terms and at s time when she can have minimal impact on my life.There will be a strict set of conditions she would need to adhere to for me to even entertain having her back in my life (regular therapy, acknowledging she does have a problem, minimal contact with me in the first few months)

Shades of grey my friend. We both have pathologies. I am not your typical AFC BPD victim. Most people looking from the outside in would probably put 70% of the blame on me (irrelevant). All I am saying is that by day 60 I will have structured my life in such a way as to ensure that if she does return the impact on my life will be minimal and if she doesn't then life will go on.

I am a thinker. And that's why I write. I deliberately post my thoughts here when I am feeling at my worst because it's cathartic. Perhaps that is giving you a distorted perception of how I am feeling overall. I don't think you appreciate how just knowing about her condition makes it so much easier to detach emotionally.


And I don't mean to be rude but we're not the same brother . You're still posting about her after more than a year right? It's not in my nature to hang on to any connection for that long when they aren't around.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BlueAlpha1

Just a heads up your general advice was good. You were right about not focusing so much in the ex. Im in Rome now, an absolutely beautiful city with rich culture and amazing women. I'll enjoy it and refrain from thinking about the ex, even in my writings here.

 

[xstang77]

Day 31 or 32..just saw her driving by in the car I fixed for her which is the first trace of her I've seen since 1 month nc started,had a bunch of people in her car. I hate her and hope her car breaks down,she's not even good looking idk what I ever saw in her.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 24
My ex hasn't called or texted at all
Feels a bit lonely and a bit strange not having someone there, calling and texting me regular.
At the same time come this Thursday it will be day 28 a month and I'm half way there to move on with my life.
So far in aspects beyond her things are going very well. Business, boxing training and more importantly my own emotions and mind. Not as stressed as I once was or anxious.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 19

Finished the Alchemist. Great book. Outstanded by the beauty of Italy. Met some wonderful people including a Mexican ballet dancer who captivated me with her converstion. Nothing came of, but I remember thinking even if this conversation doesn't go anywhere I was glad for the experience. She had a unique perspective on life and she taught me something in the two hours we were together at the restaurant. Leaving the past. Today was a good day.

 

[Asmodeus]

Day 2
I didn't exactly get done what I set in my mind to do, but I made it today. I'm happy that I went jogging, spent time with my family and spoke to some friends. I did wallow in sadness for a ridiculous amount of time.. But maybe this site can help keep me accountable. I need to bring my self esteem up, because my ex made it out that the problems in the relationship were all my fault, when it actually takes two to tango.
My nights are restless as the breakup was a month ago and we were together for more than a year. I didn't contact him today or yesterday. And I plan on taking care of myself a little more tomorrow.

I do want to get back with him, maybe because I still love him and he is my first love. I just..put all my love into him..and it hurts knowing that attractiveness and good intentions aren't enough. Like he wanted a perfect women.

I don't think I'll get him back, but I really want to increase my strength and self-esteem. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can get there in time.

Attractiveness and good intentions are never enough... Broken people are broken, and it is impossible for people to change. If he cannot take responsibility for what he does he has a problem.

You do not want him back... What you want is the chance to find a better situation for yourself. You were happy before you met him, now you have a chance to find that happiness again.

 

[Asmodeus]

Day 31 or 32..just saw her driving by in the car I fixed for her which is the first trace of her I've seen since 1 month nc started,had a bunch of people in her car. I hate her and hope her car breaks down,she's not even good looking idk what I ever saw in her.

You have idealized her in your memory... You see the truth and understand that your mind manufactured a image of her that was more idealized than she is.

 

[xstang77]

You have idealized her in your memory... You see the truth and understand that your mind manufactured a image of her that was more idealized than she is.

I agree,I'm coming out of the fog now,this morning was the first time since we broke up 2 months ago that I actually felt good instead of the usual agony and depression,jut sucks she's out all happy in a new life and I'm bored and alone all
The time

 

[BeTheChange]

I agree,I'm coming out of the fog now,this morning was the first time since we broke up 2 months ago that I actually felt good instead of the usual agony and depression,jut sucks she's out all happy in a new life and I'm bored and alone all
The time

Things will flip. You'll see.

Any woman who is HB6 and over can walk out and instantly find a replacement boyfriend. It seems easy. But believe me, we are much better off in the long run. We learn from the pain and are motivated to transcend beyond what we once were. You will be a better person by the end of this. She will be the same, or worse. The best thing I ever did was to focus on myself during this period and not on simply finding a rebound. I've grown more in this last month than i couldnhsve imagined at the start and it's only the beginning.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Nothing will hurt her more than your success and indifference.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 21

An all encompassing joy. Overcome by a sense of absolute freedom and acceptance. The darkness is behind me. Only the light is ahead.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 52. If I hit 60 I will begin working on the next 60. String a few of those together and forever gets easy. Real easy

 

[xstang77]

Things will flip. You'll see.

Any woman who is HB6 and over can walk out and instantly find a replacement boyfriend. It seems easy. But believe me, we are much better off in the long run. We learn from the pain and are motivated to transcend beyond what we once were. You will be a better person by the end of this. She will be the same, or worse. The best thing I ever did was to focus on myself during this period and not on simply finding a rebound. I've grown more in this last month than i couldnhsve imagined at the start and it's only the beginning.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Nothing will hurt her more than your success and indifference.

I know,just tough when I'm used to her always coming back,not to sound like a ***** but I miss the companionship and still no luck finding a slump buster lol

 

[finality]

I've been hooking up with my ex the past month.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 22

I see most of the bad. The fog has cleared. Now I only miss the good but I know the good can be experienced with any woman willing to give their heart to the right man. I am that man.

At a stage where I am finally reaching contentment with being on my own again. Ready to start dating other women beyond the superficiality of one night stands.

 

[Tony197]

Day 7 -
Still social media snooping (stupid). Still posting on forums, like this, looking for answers. But intellectually I know the answer. Emotionally, not there yet. In the grand scheme of things, she made the mistake, not me. I'm done with getting her back. I'm going to get myself back.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 47.

I have been super busy resting for the past few days. I went to have a vacation on an island with my friend, I enjoyed it very much. Now I'm back home and starting to study for my exam which is in September. I am still dating that girl, still going slow, enjoying... I think I've learned to keep my distance, not to give myself too much and just see where it goes. It was the best thing my break-up taught me.
I don't think about my ex. I don't stalk. She is blocked everywhere and will continue to be. I am so happy, I smile way more than I smiled when I was with her.
Just an advice - if you are desperately seeking to meet someone else, to accelerate going through break-up - please don't do it. Someone else comes when you least expect it and don't do a mistake of dating and using someone to heal yourself. Only you can heal yourself completely. Best of luck.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 22

I see most of the bad. The fog has cleared. Now I only miss the good but I know the good can be experienced with any woman willing to give their heart to the right man. I am that man.

At a stage where I am finally reaching contentment with being on my own again. Ready to start dating other women beyond the superficiality of one night stands.

One night stands make you feel worse IMO. Maybe it is related to age but they give me nothing anymore. I have been with a great woman now for five weeks and we are great together. Feelings of still wanting to be with the ex fading away rapidly. Not gone completely but I am not thinking about her every five minutes like I used to do.

My birthday coming up next week. If the ex texts me or sends me a card I am going to ignore.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 7 -
Still social media snooping (stupid). Still posting on forums, like this, looking for answers. But intellectually I know the answer. Emotionally, not there yet. In the grand scheme of things, she made the mistake, not me. I'm done with getting her back. I'm going to get myself back.

Yes indeed, get yourself back. That's the key. Everyone will tell you this, every article you read will tell you this - that you need to move on. However, only time and space makes you truly understand this point and allows you to put her to the back of your mind than her constantly occupying the front of it. And social media snooping her is doing you no favors at all - this will hold you back, especially if you are doing it after alcohol.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just an advice - if you are desperately seeking to meet someone else, to accelerate going through break-up - please don't do it. Someone else comes when you least expect it

I'm sure the guys here appreciate the sentiment but honestly this is not great advice at all. This whole just wait and "eventually you'll find someone great" is straight out of Disney and is the antithesis to the mentality promoted by this site.

If you want something pursue it with absolute vigour. I didn't start seeing real success with women until I was honest with myself and said "I want beautiful women just as I want a good job, financial security and to be well travelled. Where can I find them and how can I maximise my success rate?"

That's not to say that one "needs" beautiful women but like the other above things they are all life enhancing in the right quantities and commitment.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm sure the guys here appreciate the sentiment but honestly this is not great advice at all. This whole just wait and "eventually you'll find someone great" is straight out of Disney and is the antithesis to the mentality promoted by this site.

If you want something pursue it with absolute vigour. I didn't start seeing real success with women until I was honest with myself and said "I want beautiful women just as I want a good job, financial security and to be well travelled. Where can I find them and how can I maximise my success rate?"

That's not to say that one "needs" beautiful women but like the other above things they are all life enhancing in the right quantities and commitment.

This is great advice!!

I'm on day 54 and it's not getting any easier.