Where we met: I was working on a a gap year in a shop, she joined for a week for work experience; I was 18 she was 15
How we got together: After the week at work she and I texted literally every 5 minutes
Why we broke up: We argued alot, no maliciously but we argued and then made up again, it seemed to make us strong. One day though she had to choose between seeing her friends and me, I said my mates would understand if I chose her over them. This went against her as a person, in that one minute of error we split up.
What happened then: Spent the rest of that year, from March to August/September. talking as 'friends' she got with a new guy and it was agony,but I still loved her. We were so close before and during out relationship that the idea of losing contact with her was more alien to me than a Mexican is to KKK member! I was her first, she was my second, though it felt like we shared that experience together.
Brief encounter: After she broke up with her boyfriend, she and I decided to get out of town together, as friends, and just go somewhere. We ended up in Windsor in the castle grounds, we made out and It felt like everything I ever wanted came true, I finally had her back. She and I kept talking but my start of University was fast approaching and it was capped as a "3 week thing". We argued a little over our actions in Windsor and I stupidly said "It was a mistake" which, in retrospect, was the worst thing I could say.
The ending of this in 2009: I met a new girl in August on my leaving 'do' from work, we talked, she seemed nice. One thing led to another and we decided to go out. The girl I split up with earlier in the year (who shall be referred to as "B") was semi-okay with this. We stopped talking when the new girl, metaphorically, held a gun to my head and stated it was either her or B. I stupidly chose the new girl and that was it, we didn't speak until July this year when I broke up with the new girl.
So how is this relevant and why are you still reading? Here's my dilemma:
When we started talking again in July she had some new boyfriend, I made it clear I just wanted friendship and wanted to apologize for how I'd left it last, we got back to talking but she felt it was a little too much, I was her first and in her words "Those feelings don't just go away". Our first conversation was elated, we'd missed each other clearly; I know I still loved her and always had, but I lied to her and said I didn't, she had a boyfriend and I refused to endanger that.
She breaks up with him toward the start of the Christmas University term, he broke it off citing he didn't want to love someone so out of town for him, I was there trying to be comforting but wary of seeming like a snake in the grass.
Everything was going relatively well, we didn't speak as much as before but that was expected, one time she calls me and we talk until it's quite late, she's getting drowsy and asks me point blank how I feel about her, I've never lied to her once with the exception of earlier (because she had a boyfriend obviously). I confessed my feelings and she accepted them, this was before Christmas, around October. I tried to make a joke out of it, saying "So how does it feel to have someone completely besotted with you?" she laughed and we ended our conversation on a good note."
In the lead up to Christmas we talked some more about it all, she didn't understand how I could feel this way without seeing her for such a long period of time, she even drove us out to the local pub to talk about it, nothing was resolved of course, but we left it on good terms. I said goodbye to her and she seemingly angled her head away to indicate I could kiss her on the cheek, so I did. She froze and just asked me three times why would I do that? She drove off, somewhat leaving it on shaky ground.
We resolved it the next day though we were still a bit uneasy, on Christmas Eve I was driving up to my Grandparent's when she started talking to me, at length. Obviously I wasn't driving the car at the time so I was able to reply quickly. The summary of the conversation was she was tired of "us" (at the time I took it to mean our hole conundrum and a needle at me) and that she didn't feel that way about me. I told her I couldn't deal with it and wanted to be alone, confessing I was gutted. I spent the entirety of the next day glumly acting out the happy brother to my younger sister and good attentive son to the rest of the family.
I drove home, happy to escape, later on Christmas Day; I was expected to work on Boxing Day at around 10am. That day we'd spoken a few times but not at great length, on Boxing Day I couldn't get in as there were no busses available in my Village. Out of nowhere B drives up into my house and knocks on the door, we spent the day talking everything over, leading to her clarifying that there was "Something" there for me but it wasn't enough. Out of context that sounds bad however allow me to elaborate:
This year (2011/2012) is the first year she has been out of education, as she works for her parent's company, and hasn't had a boyfriend. She's single, she's enjoying clubbing and the freedom which comes with being 18 etc etc. In person she is lovely and it appears much of the agony i go through is derived from our main source of conversation is through texting, which is always open to speculation. We hugged each other quite a lot and it was left on very good terms, my faith in her restored.
We saw each other a few other times before I left for my Easter term at University, this is where the events of tonight come into play. Over the last approximately month and a half, we've talked a heck of a lot, she and I seem to have gotten closer and she's more open with me about everything, she even told me she went on a Date this Tuesday passed (a little bit odd given that she doesn't want a boyfriend I agree, she confessed to not knowing her intentions behind that). She mentioned in January that she was going to visit a friend in a nearby University to mine, with the possibility of coming to mine to go out with a friend who goes here too.
FINALLY: Tonight
She and her friends arrived in my area around 10pm, we met up in the club and I could tell she had had a few before coming out, but she was happy and that made me feel warm inside. We hugged and she introduced me to her friends, all of which seemed lovely, I bought the first round of drinks and her friends disappeared for a while leaving Emily and I able to chat. We were laughing and having a wonderful time, until the subject of us came up,
(she was there for her friend primarily, thus we agreed I would only stay for a while and she would then go partying with them). We just chatted briefly about her time thus far then got onto us rather quickly, we were just chatting about how it is between us before she leaned in and kissed me, properly, she withdrew and confessed soon after that she thought she wouldn't feel anything (as selfish as that was) yet she does. We spent the rest of the night trying to think of what to do but laughing and smiling throughout it all, she asked me to stop laughing and be serious and the only answer I came up with is that we should stop talking; though it's failed to work before. We sat and talked some more and she admitted she loved me and always did, and that I knew it, and she knew that I love her too, she compared me to the guy she went on a date with on Tuesday; he's all forward and that I'm not. My instant defence to that was that I didn't want to keep telling her how I feel because we fight it seems, and that I do love her and always have. I explained to her that she can just waltz through my barriers and that she is really the only person I've connected with! We laughed, kissed some more, we flirted; she joked about my staying time from earlier and I even suggested she came back with me. I stressed that I wouldn't want the sex, just to stay with her again. We both agreed it was bad though she admitted to wanting to have sex with me, the one thing that seemingly held her back was that she thought of sex as a commitment to me, and she wanted this year to be about her. Essentially she doesn't know what she thinks, feels or wants with me and it's horrible for her because she always likes to have a plan, with me she doesn't. She seemed to tear up once or twice but it could have been my imagination, we left it on good terms, kissing and hugging and we both stated we love each other, before I left her in the capable hands of her friends. I've stated to her via text I'll be up later, perhaps entertaining the idea she comes back to mine, but I doubt she will. I just know she will always be at the centre of my heart. I apologized to her for saying Windsor was a mistake, it wasn't but I don't know what I was thinking, especially when I left her for the girl I met in August/September 2009.
I feel down, upset, but more firm than before; I think I'm sad because I'm happy? I know tonight has cemented the fact that we feel the same for each other, but I do fear what tomorrow brings. I believe she said she'd give me the number for her phone in India, though I'd only ever use it to ensure she's still alive and okay, I wish I could make things easier for her but with us, we simply cant.
I know the initial knee-jerk reaction for most here is either to think she's lying through her teeth or that she's playing around with me, I can honestly say it's not the case. I would trust her more than most of my family and i would trust her with my life.
I really just need your perspective on this and really to get this off my chest. The best description I can give of how I actually feel currently, about her, is a warm constricting feeling in my chest. I somewhat well-up but I've not cried since October during a funeral and I don't intend to start again now.
How we got together: After the week at work she and I texted literally every 5 minutes
Why we broke up: We argued alot, no maliciously but we argued and then made up again, it seemed to make us strong. One day though she had to choose between seeing her friends and me, I said my mates would understand if I chose her over them. This went against her as a person, in that one minute of error we split up.
What happened then: Spent the rest of that year, from March to August/September. talking as 'friends' she got with a new guy and it was agony,but I still loved her. We were so close before and during out relationship that the idea of losing contact with her was more alien to me than a Mexican is to KKK member! I was her first, she was my second, though it felt like we shared that experience together.
Brief encounter: After she broke up with her boyfriend, she and I decided to get out of town together, as friends, and just go somewhere. We ended up in Windsor in the castle grounds, we made out and It felt like everything I ever wanted came true, I finally had her back. She and I kept talking but my start of University was fast approaching and it was capped as a "3 week thing". We argued a little over our actions in Windsor and I stupidly said "It was a mistake" which, in retrospect, was the worst thing I could say.
The ending of this in 2009: I met a new girl in August on my leaving 'do' from work, we talked, she seemed nice. One thing led to another and we decided to go out. The girl I split up with earlier in the year (who shall be referred to as "B") was semi-okay with this. We stopped talking when the new girl, metaphorically, held a gun to my head and stated it was either her or B. I stupidly chose the new girl and that was it, we didn't speak until July this year when I broke up with the new girl.
So how is this relevant and why are you still reading? Here's my dilemma:
When we started talking again in July she had some new boyfriend, I made it clear I just wanted friendship and wanted to apologize for how I'd left it last, we got back to talking but she felt it was a little too much, I was her first and in her words "Those feelings don't just go away". Our first conversation was elated, we'd missed each other clearly; I know I still loved her and always had, but I lied to her and said I didn't, she had a boyfriend and I refused to endanger that.
She breaks up with him toward the start of the Christmas University term, he broke it off citing he didn't want to love someone so out of town for him, I was there trying to be comforting but wary of seeming like a snake in the grass.
Everything was going relatively well, we didn't speak as much as before but that was expected, one time she calls me and we talk until it's quite late, she's getting drowsy and asks me point blank how I feel about her, I've never lied to her once with the exception of earlier (because she had a boyfriend obviously). I confessed my feelings and she accepted them, this was before Christmas, around October. I tried to make a joke out of it, saying "So how does it feel to have someone completely besotted with you?" she laughed and we ended our conversation on a good note."
In the lead up to Christmas we talked some more about it all, she didn't understand how I could feel this way without seeing her for such a long period of time, she even drove us out to the local pub to talk about it, nothing was resolved of course, but we left it on good terms. I said goodbye to her and she seemingly angled her head away to indicate I could kiss her on the cheek, so I did. She froze and just asked me three times why would I do that? She drove off, somewhat leaving it on shaky ground.
We resolved it the next day though we were still a bit uneasy, on Christmas Eve I was driving up to my Grandparent's when she started talking to me, at length. Obviously I wasn't driving the car at the time so I was able to reply quickly. The summary of the conversation was she was tired of "us" (at the time I took it to mean our hole conundrum and a needle at me) and that she didn't feel that way about me. I told her I couldn't deal with it and wanted to be alone, confessing I was gutted. I spent the entirety of the next day glumly acting out the happy brother to my younger sister and good attentive son to the rest of the family.
I drove home, happy to escape, later on Christmas Day; I was expected to work on Boxing Day at around 10am. That day we'd spoken a few times but not at great length, on Boxing Day I couldn't get in as there were no busses available in my Village. Out of nowhere B drives up into my house and knocks on the door, we spent the day talking everything over, leading to her clarifying that there was "Something" there for me but it wasn't enough. Out of context that sounds bad however allow me to elaborate:
This year (2011/2012) is the first year she has been out of education, as she works for her parent's company, and hasn't had a boyfriend. She's single, she's enjoying clubbing and the freedom which comes with being 18 etc etc. In person she is lovely and it appears much of the agony i go through is derived from our main source of conversation is through texting, which is always open to speculation. We hugged each other quite a lot and it was left on very good terms, my faith in her restored.
We saw each other a few other times before I left for my Easter term at University, this is where the events of tonight come into play. Over the last approximately month and a half, we've talked a heck of a lot, she and I seem to have gotten closer and she's more open with me about everything, she even told me she went on a Date this Tuesday passed (a little bit odd given that she doesn't want a boyfriend I agree, she confessed to not knowing her intentions behind that). She mentioned in January that she was going to visit a friend in a nearby University to mine, with the possibility of coming to mine to go out with a friend who goes here too.
FINALLY: Tonight
She and her friends arrived in my area around 10pm, we met up in the club and I could tell she had had a few before coming out, but she was happy and that made me feel warm inside. We hugged and she introduced me to her friends, all of which seemed lovely, I bought the first round of drinks and her friends disappeared for a while leaving Emily and I able to chat. We were laughing and having a wonderful time, until the subject of us came up,
(she was there for her friend primarily, thus we agreed I would only stay for a while and she would then go partying with them). We just chatted briefly about her time thus far then got onto us rather quickly, we were just chatting about how it is between us before she leaned in and kissed me, properly, she withdrew and confessed soon after that she thought she wouldn't feel anything (as selfish as that was) yet she does. We spent the rest of the night trying to think of what to do but laughing and smiling throughout it all, she asked me to stop laughing and be serious and the only answer I came up with is that we should stop talking; though it's failed to work before. We sat and talked some more and she admitted she loved me and always did, and that I knew it, and she knew that I love her too, she compared me to the guy she went on a date with on Tuesday; he's all forward and that I'm not. My instant defence to that was that I didn't want to keep telling her how I feel because we fight it seems, and that I do love her and always have. I explained to her that she can just waltz through my barriers and that she is really the only person I've connected with! We laughed, kissed some more, we flirted; she joked about my staying time from earlier and I even suggested she came back with me. I stressed that I wouldn't want the sex, just to stay with her again. We both agreed it was bad though she admitted to wanting to have sex with me, the one thing that seemingly held her back was that she thought of sex as a commitment to me, and she wanted this year to be about her. Essentially she doesn't know what she thinks, feels or wants with me and it's horrible for her because she always likes to have a plan, with me she doesn't. She seemed to tear up once or twice but it could have been my imagination, we left it on good terms, kissing and hugging and we both stated we love each other, before I left her in the capable hands of her friends. I've stated to her via text I'll be up later, perhaps entertaining the idea she comes back to mine, but I doubt she will. I just know she will always be at the centre of my heart. I apologized to her for saying Windsor was a mistake, it wasn't but I don't know what I was thinking, especially when I left her for the girl I met in August/September 2009.
I feel down, upset, but more firm than before; I think I'm sad because I'm happy? I know tonight has cemented the fact that we feel the same for each other, but I do fear what tomorrow brings. I believe she said she'd give me the number for her phone in India, though I'd only ever use it to ensure she's still alive and okay, I wish I could make things easier for her but with us, we simply cant.
I know the initial knee-jerk reaction for most here is either to think she's lying through her teeth or that she's playing around with me, I can honestly say it's not the case. I would trust her more than most of my family and i would trust her with my life.
I really just need your perspective on this and really to get this off my chest. The best description I can give of how I actually feel currently, about her, is a warm constricting feeling in my chest. I somewhat well-up but I've not cried since October during a funeral and I don't intend to start again now.
