"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."

Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.

Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?

You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.

Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.

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Why not to try to be perfect!!!

comic_relief

Master Don Juan
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This is to supplement Pook's material on "Perfect is boring."

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Millersville University
Fundementals of Speech

Date: November 5, 2006

Title: “Perfect is boring”

General Purpose: To Persuade
Specific Purpose: To Persuade my audience to get rid of trying to become perfect.
Central Idea: Perfection is boring, but to be human is to be beautiful.
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Introduction

I.) Attention-getter

A.) Has anyone ever tried to be perfect at something? Whether it be sports, a musical instrument, or even a video game?

B.) Did you actually get down perfectly without any problems at all?

C.) That’s what I thought. First, I would like to make it clear on what I mean by perfectionists. In the words of D. D. Burns, “I want to make clear what I mean by perfectionism. I do not mean the healthy pursuit of excellence by men and women who take genuine pleasure in striving to meet high standards. Without concern for quality, life would seem shallow and true accomplishments would be rare. The perfectionists I am talking about are those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason, people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment. For these people the drive to excel can only be self-defeating.”

E.) Perfection has never in the history been reached and actually retards one’s mental, spiritual, and physical growth.”

II.) (Orienting) - (Preview the topic and body of speech)

A.) Striving for perfection has many negative side effects other than the obvious effect of never being able to reach perfection.

B.) Trying too hard to be perfect will retard one’s emotional growth and mind state.

C.) Since we cannot truly ever reach perfection, people should try to set reasonable goals and continue to self-improve.

Transition: “Let’s start by examining why this is a problem.”
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Body

I.) (Claim) Attempting to be perfect will not only retard one’s growth in all areas of life, and will cause many hardships later in life.

A.) The first problem with trying to allow someone to become perfect is that when a person tries to become perfect that means that the person will not make anymore errors.

1.) Errors are something that can be used as a learning experience to bring new ideas to a person.

2.) Perfect as defined by dictionary.com is “conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type.”

a.) Conforming absolutely would rather hurt, than help an individual because at one time did humans not believe that the world was the center of the universe?

b.) Or did we not believe that the World was flat?

B.) “Perfectionism has been proven to reduce one’s emotional well-being and decreased their quality of life.”

1.) The reason that one’s emotional well-being and quality of life has been decreased is because the person is now fixated with that perfection and not trying to make any mistakes at all. This causes something that is considered “living life on egg shells,” which means that you have to be careful with what you do at all times.

2.) If any mistake is made, the person will become devastated, and could become depressed, neurotic, or even worse. According to the article “Cultural Validity of the Almost Perfect Scale--Revised for African American College Students,” states that “perfectionism is one of the most powerful predictors of suicide, even more so than hopelessness.”

3.) The article “Perfectionism, Coping, and Quality of Intimate Relationships” said that “intrapersonal problems including depression, anxiety, personality disorders, suicidal ideation and attempts, eating disorders, and migraine headaches”

A.) Perfectionism also has evidence of being a poor coping method or a lack thereof.

1.) In the article, “Perfectionism and Defense Styles,” authored by Flett et. al said, “Both are important in terms of how individuals respond to stressful situations, but whereas coping styles are seen as conscious ways of reacting to stressors, immature defense styles are often unconscious and certain defense styles may be beyond an individual’s level of conscious awareness. Thus, it becomes all the more important to determine the extent to which observers can detect individual differences in defense styles.”

2.) Perfectionism is a way of just dealing with stress that will end up hurting the individual because once it fails, than the person will become more hurt than before because they have no more coping mechanisms that can protect the individual.


Transition: Now that we have looked at how perfectionism is negative. Than, let us look at how we can help ourselves to not fall into the perfection trap.
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I.) A very simple way for people to not get sucked into this way of thinking of everything as being perfect and must be perfect is:

A.) To have realistic goals set for a person to reach and then make another attainable goal that can be reached after the former goal has been reached. Do not overstep and make it impossible to accomplish your goal.

B.) People should stop trying to take life so seriously.

C.) People should just relax and enjoy life.

D.) Becoming more selfish and realize that somebody cannot please everyone because it is impossible to do.


Transition: If people would manage to try to stop being so perfect and realize that imperfection is a good thing. Some things would occur in individual’s lives that would be very different.
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II.) When people manage to stop trying to be perfect many things can happen.

A.) People will manage to relax more often.

B.) People that suffer from perfectionism will be able to create mature defenses instead of these rudimentary defenses that cause mental and physical distress.

C.) Actual mental and emotional growth will occur because people will allow themselves to make mistakes, which make individuals learn from their mistakes.

1.) There is a reason why people say, “Learn from your mistakes.”

2.) Also, new methods and ideas are created from those mistakes because it makes individuals will want to refine their techniques and ideas to suit new ideas.

Transitions: Let’s review the main points.
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"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"

She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.

You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.

She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.

The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.

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comic_relief

Master Don Juan
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Conclusion

I.) Summary

A.) Perfectionism can be very dangerous to individuals.

B.) Perfectionism can also retard a person’s individual emotional and life development.

C.) It can also cause such problems as stress, migraines, suicide, anxiety, and many other disorders.

D.) It can also be a very terrible coping method that if defeated can cause loss of oneself and extreme retribution from a person’s own worst enemy, themselves.

II.) Clincher

A.) A quote from Stephen Manes:

B.) “Congratulations! You're not perfect! It's ridiculous to want to be perfect anyway. But then, everybody's ridiculous sometimes, except perfect people. You know what perfect is? Perfect is not eating or drinking or talking or moving a muscle or making even the teensiest mistake. Perfect is never doing anything wrong - which means never doing anything at all. Perfect is boring! So you're not perfect! Wonderful! Have fun! Eat things that give you bad breath! Trip over your own shoelaces! Laugh! Let somebody else laugh at you! Perfect people never do any of those things. All they do is sit around and sip weak tea and think about how perfect they are. But they're really not one-hundred-percent perfect anyway. You should see them when they get the hiccups! Phooey! Who needs 'em? You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.”

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Works Consulted

Pacht, Asher R., U Wisconsin, Madison. “Reflections on perfection.”
American Psychologist, Vol 39(4), Apr 1984. pp. 386-390.

perfect. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English
Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved November 06, 2006, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/perfect

Mobley, Michael; Slaney, Robert B.; Rice, Kenneth G. “Cultural Validity
of the Almost Perfect Scale--Revised for African American College Students”. Journal of Counseling Psychology, Vol 52(4), Oct 2005. pp. 629-639.

Haring, Michelle; Hewitt, Paul L.; Flett, Gordon L.. “Perfectionism,
Coping, and Quality of Intimate Relationships”. Journal of Marriage & Family, Feb2003, Vol. 65 Issue 1, p143-158, 16p

Flett, Gordon L.; Besser, Avi; Hewitt, Paul L.. “Perfectionism, Ego
Defense Styles, and Depression: A Comparison of Self-Reports Versus Informant Ratings.” Journal of Personality, Oct2005, Vol. 73 Issue 5, p1355-1396, 42p

Hewitt, Paul L.; Flett, Gordon L.. “Perfectionism in the Self and Social
Contexts: Conceptualization, Assessment, and Association With Psychopathology.” Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, Mar91, Vol. 60 Issue 3, p456-470, 15p

Hill, Robert W.; McIntire, Karen; Bacharach, Verne R.. “Perfectionism
and the Big Five Factors” Journal of Social Behavior & Personality, Mar97, Vol. 12 Issue 1, p257-270, 14p

Sherry, Simon B.; Hewitt, Paul L.; Flett, Gordon L.; Harvey, Melissa.
“Perfectionism Dimensions, Perfectionistic Attitudes, Dependent Attitudes, and Depression in Psychiatric Patients and University Students” Journal of Counseling Psychology, Jul2003, Vol. 50 Issue 3, p373, 14p, 6 Charts, 5 Graphs

Soenens, Bart; Elliot, Andrew J.; Goossens, Luc; Vansteenkiste,
Maarten; Luyten, Patrick; Duriez, Bart. “The Intergenerational Transmission of Perfectionism: Parents' Psychological Control as an Intervening Variable.” Journal of Family Psychology, Sep2005, Vol. 19 Issue 3, p358


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Alright, this was a speech that I wrote and everybody that I quoted is university professors or doctors except the last quote was from an author of a book.

Yes, I do become quite repetitive, but that is only meant to get the main point across on just how dangerous it is to be perfect.

Be human. Be fun. Fail at things. Learn to succeed.

Good luck and god bless
comic_relief
 
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