Why does it have to be that way...

[Caldus]

Before I ever started visiting dating forums, I always thought girls wanted a sincere, nice (but not a wuss), caring, modest, and respectful man. Boy was I wrong. I hear over and over about how guys who have jerk-like qualities have so much more success. So I feel like I have to change my nice personality now. I've been trying to but it's so ackward being someone that I'm not just so I can get a girl to even notice me.

Are girls like this everywhere? Are they like this in other countries? Man I would so move to another country to get away from this crap. Does anyone else feel like I do? Like you know that if you want to attract women you have to change who you are but you're having trouble trying to change who you are?

So many girls tell me "figure out who you are first and meet people like you." I've tried to meet so many people at my college but nothing ever happens. I try to use some humor, be respectful, and try to keep the topics interesting but I just can't make any friends here. I've tried joining clubs but I still don't feel connected with anyone here. I just don't know what to do anymore that will change this situation. I always eat alone in the cafeteria. I can never find someone to go out with at night.

All I can do is watch peoples' great social lives on the sidelines. I'm not "living" my life. I'm just on the sidelines waiting for something to happen. I've tried to break out of this but nothing is working. So how do you find yourself? I always like to think that I have but I'm not entirely sure now.

And what is it with girls still going after a guy after he cheats and lies to her and all of that horrible stuff? Are they really that stupid enough to feel like they can "change" that guy? Why change him when you can find someone better? That's what I don't understand.

That is my rant about women for today. I just needed to get this out so that I can start thinking clearly. Sorry for sounding all negative but this has all been in my head for the last few days. Feel free to criticize or comment, etc.

 

[CableLight]

There's nothing wrong with being nice, to a degree. There's nice, there's the jerk, then there's the "good," which is a mixture of the two. Neither extreme is necessarily the "right" perspective, but it's somewhere in the middle ground that seems to be more favourable.

Also, if you're considering changing yourself for the sole sake of getting women...You might want to rethink that. Rather, use what you are and your own attributes to the best of your abilities. This, in my opinion, is much more respectful than someone posing to be something they're not, or trying to feign interest in something they don't really care about for the sole prospect of gaining favour.

There is no "magic success" formula you can use for every situation. There is, however, the ability to understand that last sentence and still keep your head high.

 

[Caldus]

CableLight, I see the same thing happen over and over here at college. The girls always fall for the worst guys. I'm not just saying that to be jealous. Other guys agree with me that the guy they are interested in is a total well ... let's just not say the word. It always works out that way. And then they wonder why guys suck so much. Well duh you always choose the wrong guy to date.

So it makes you wonder, what's the point in being yourself if in the end you never get anything? I know what you mean when you say that you shouldn't change just to get women. In fact that's my main struggle about changing. I know I'm doing it for dumb reasons. What I intended to do was to get them to notice me more and then I can be the real me when I start dating them. I just have trouble with even getting them to want to date me in the first place.

 

[ryan killa]

Caldus:

In the beginning(when I found this site), I soon turned into a ****y guy, not a jerk though. I changed myself, from normally quiet guy to ****y guy(always bragging about myself, etc.)

DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF AROUND, ONLY A VERY SLIGHT BIT.

1 day, I woke up(not literally), and behaved as myself, but I turned less serious, but am still quiet, CONFIDENT.

Just be confident, and yourself, not a pushover, and everything will be fine. The women will come when this happens; maybe not immediately, but they will come, fear not.

 

[Jariel]

I don't believe in the jerks attract more women theory at all. I'm a nice guy and I attract more women than any jerk I've ever met.

Just understand that being a nice guy does not mean being a doormat, a wimp or repressing your desires. As long as you have confidence to make a move and to stand up for yourself when you need to, being nice will work in your favour.

As far as I am aware, the only reason jerks get more women is because they try it on with more women, and therefore the odds are in their favour.

 

[Caldus]

I never get an opportunity to approach any women at my school. They're always in groups or busy reading a book or something like that. I can't just stop a girl and talk to her while going to class. Once in a while I try to meet women but I can never get past that small talk stage with any of them. But after a while I thought about what I truly wanted in a relationship and I'm not so sure if any girls here would meet the criteria. The more women I meet and the more stories I hear about women in college, the more discouraged I become about my situation. So I become less and less motivated to even approach women because I feel like none of them will be relationship material anyway. And if they are then they sure as heck aren't single. More than anything though I need a social life. I've tried clubs, but not really connecting with people. What's going on?

 

[Jariel]

Originally posted by Caldus
But after a while I thought about what I truly wanted in a relationship and I'm not so sure if any girls here would meet the criteria. The more women I meet and the more stories I hear about women in college, the more discouraged I become about my situation. So I become less and less motivated to even approach women because I feel like none of them will be relationship material anyway.

I think this is your biggest problem. You need to stop thinking that far ahead and think only about dating at this stage. You will meet b1tches, but a lot of women put up a shallow front to fit in with their peers. When you get to know them on a deeper level, you may find a connection there.

This is what happened between me and the girl I'm seeing now. First impressions are often wrong.

 

[Albion4]

A woman wants a jerk because he displays those qualities about a man while will insure that her and her offspring will survive. After a woman knows a man is self-confident (jerk) then they want to turn them into dad. This is the problem with most jerks though, they don't want to trade in the adventure for a family. But a woman who finds the level of confidence she requires will do everything humanly possible to turn that guy into a father.

It ounds to me like you have a serious problem with your social skills. That's not an easy thing to overcome, but with work it can be. There are quite a few resources on this site that can help you take the right steps. You just need to take a step off the sideline and join the game.

-Al

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

you do not need to be a jerk the reason women apprntly like jerks so much, is because there are 2 main types of people jerks and nice guys and obviously everything in between, so because they want confidence they go for the jerk.

they would prefer somthing else, say james bond type of personality. But seeing as you do not get the perfect guy walking past every day they go for the best out of the avalible options a jerk because confidence is suprme! its has to be present!

 

[Caldus]

It ounds to me like you have a serious problem with your social skills. That's not an easy thing to overcome, but with work it can be. There are quite a few resources on this site that can help you take the right steps. You just need to take a step off the sideline and join the game.

I guess it's just that I'm not the typical college frat guy. I never know what to talk about with other people. I try to think of something interesting but usually the conversation ends up dying and then that's that. I'm tired of making a fool of myself by trying to talk to new people. What exactly should I read anyway?