Why do I only love them when I can't have them anymore?

[searching solace]

This has been a big issue for me, repeating itself multiple times throughout my last relationship.

I only seemed to realise the extent of my feelings for her when I could no longer have her or when she was with someone else. It is incredibly frustrating to say the very least - it caused me to lose her. Why is this?

She noticed it too, that I only really wanted her when I can't have her anymore. And when I did have her, I got complacent and lost interest a little. It's really unhealthy. It's like I have to be losing something before I spring into action and by then it's too late.

Anyone else experience this or know what's going on?

 

[dustmuffin]

Very typical behavior. Didn't care much about my ex until she dumped me. You always want what you can't have. You will get over it.

 

[Yewki]

It's basic human psychology. Everyone experiences this to varying degrees. All you can do is try to be more appreciative of what you have.

Make a list of all the things you can be thankful for. If you can't easily list 10+ things, you have a lot of work to do. Hint: there are people in much, much, much, much, much worse situations than you and me.

 

[searching solace]

Thanks chaps, I'm glad it's somewhat 'normal'.

But I guess it's not normal to have it happen more than once with the same girl. I thought I'd learn the first time it happened, but I once again became unappreciative and it happened again. Maybe it was just an unhealthy relationship.

 

[bigneil]

If you think that's bad, wait until you reach the "even hot women don't make me happy" epiphany.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

Where does a "need" arise for something you can’t feel, know, or see? First, you must experience it, enjoy it, and lose it for a "need" to manifest. The object is not the essence of "need"; the "knowing and enjoying of it" and "subsequent loss" are.

Think of food. When somebody gives you a food that you never tasted, you have no need or desire for it. In a sense, you eat the food because of the other person’s desire for it, which he or she passed on to you by telling you that’s it’s great and you should try it. But once you’ve tasted the food and experienced pleasure from it, you want more. The desire for the food that you now experience is independent of the person who originally gave you the food. It is now your desire, not the other person’s. So it's your desire, but not quite a "need" yet.

When the food is abundant, you enjoy it, but you don't "need" it, as it is available. But when that food is gone, a switch turns, and your "want" immediately turns into a "need." And the greater your pleasure was in the food while you had it, the more intense the "need" is when it’s gone. And so the object is simply the medium; not the essence of origination. Important to understand this distinction to release the object's hold on you.

 

[yungballa]

Think about it. When something is scarce, you'll most likely feel like you'll WANT it more.

If you had a hundred Porsches, you probably wouldn't care if you banged up or crashed ten or twenty.

But if you had ONE Porsche, you'd most likely drive the damn car like it's your baby.

Same with a girl. If you know she's highly interested in you, and is head over heels in love with you, making things super obvious and she's giving you a LOT of attention, you'll probably desire her less because of the amount of attention she's giving you. The interest is already there and the value of her presence goes down in your eyes because she gives you sooo much attention.

On the other hand, if you're really attracted to her yet her interest is low, she barely gives you attention, you'll want her more because you don't really have her and you're unsure of your position with her. Her attention is scarse so you WANT it more.

The more scarse something is, you WANT it more.

The **** happens to me all the time. When I really like a girl and she gives me less attention, I'll most likely start to desire her more. Whatever girl has less availability to me I'll like her more. I guess it's just human nature. Then there's the girls who show me all the fvcking attention in the world. I don't desire them that much because there's sooo much attention from them I don't even care anymore.

Matter fact, Im in one of these situations right now as I type this.