When will I get that nutcase out of my head!?

[Johnny Alias]

So Its been 9 months since me and the ex bpd split. She's engaged now and partying like crazy. 100K in debt and not a care in the world. Booze and drugs obviously help with that.

I have gone to a therapist, banged 5 different chicks, see a few fairly regularly, but none are quite gf material... which is funny because they're leaps and bounds better than that freak.

It's gotten a lot better. I don't mope around. I've gained like 5 pounds from working out. Got a better job. Taken a ****load of trips.

But she still lurks in the back of my mind. Its kind of unreal. We were together 4 years with me breaking up with her three times because I got tired of her drunken abuse and irresponsibility... but then AFC'ing it and taking her back each time eventually. Scary part is she's the closest thing I've ever had to a wife...

I'm not stupid. I've done all the research. I know she's basically a kid in a woman's body. I know the alcoholism and drug use will likely get worse (they already have). I know she's not fit to be a mom and her hot looks are rapidly running out. I know if we had gotten married we would have gotten divorced and I would have been destroyed by her financially.

I know all this.

But still she lurks. If anyone has had experience with a BPD, and yes that's the diagnosis, how long did it take for you to stop thinking about her? I know the intensity of the sex and push/pull manipulation basically turn the relationship into a drug... making me an ex-junkie. She still crosses my radar at least once a day. It's unbelievable.

Thanks for any input. Life is good really. I just want to exorcise what's left of this demon from my soul. Probably needs more time, but how much!?

 

[The_411]

So Its been 9 months since me and the ex bpd split. She's engaged now and partying like crazy. 100K in debt and not a care in the world. Booze and drugs obviously help with that.

I have gone to a therapist, banged 5 different chicks, see a few fairly regularly, but none are quite gf material... which is funny because they're leaps and bounds better than that freak.

It's gotten a lot better. I don't mope around. I've gained like 5 pounds from working out. Got a better job. Taken a ****load of trips.

But she still lurks in the back of my mind. Its kind of unreal. We were together 4 years with me breaking up with her three times because I got tired of her drunken abuse and irresponsibility... but then AFC'ing it and taking her back each time eventually. Scary part is she's the closest thing I've ever had to a wife...

I'm not stupid. I've done all the research. I know she's basically a kid in a woman's body. I know the alcoholism and drug use will likely get worse (they already have). I know she's not fit to be a mom and her hot looks are rapidly running out. I know if we had gotten married we would have gotten divorced and I would have been destroyed by her financially.

I know all this.

But still she lurks. If anyone has had experience with a BPD, and yes that's the diagnosis, how long did it take for you to stop thinking about her? I know the intensity of the sex and push/pull manipulation basically turn the relationship into a drug... making me an ex-junkie. She still crosses my radar at least once a day. It's unreal.

Thanks for any input. Life is good really. I just want to exorcise what's left of this demon from my soul. Probably needs more time, but how much!?

4 years is a long time. I was with my BPD for 2 and it took me getting enmeshed again before I was able to completely get rid of her. These relationships take a long time to recover from and there's no set time frame. It may take 2-3 years to get things back to normalcy, but you'll always have the scar.

 

[abe0]

What is it about this disease that really affects us so deeply. I had a situation where I dated someone with Borderline Traits....she would draw me in...then pull away. We were on an off for only 5 months, yet of all the women I dated after loosing my x. I still think about her. Every month or two she sends me a tempting text....I do not respond, but do I want to...I feel like an alcoholic who is sober looking at a bottle of liquor staring at me 6 inches away.
Good luck.....I feel your pain. Abe

 

[Tictac]

"Cause after a whole and a thousand miles,
it all becomes the same"
Billy Joel

 

[Night-hawk]

^Like that quote.

Perhaps you have attached a part of your identity to her, yet unidentified- however, every now and then you identify yourself within an old movie playing those long ago conditions; and, from that recognition, you are drawn back into those settings. There is that region of your prior identified self that still contemplates the chaos; and within it, a part of you wishes to find order still.

 

[dasein]

Stockholm Syndrome, and IMO there's a perverse inner sense in all of us that respects those who have fooled/used us because they did in fact teach us valuable life lessons. I hate the guys who cheated me at poker that time years ago, but respect the lesson they taught me and haven't been cheated since. To the topic, it took about six months post breakup to stop wasting time pondering the BPD thing, and soon after that any time I thought of her it was emotionally neutral. If you are lucky, they won't circle around down the road until you are well healed up. The two BPDs I've dated both came sniffing around down the road, but luckily it was over a year later, so I was inoculated.

 

[hithard]

The emotional rollercoaster, and guys thinking if they can fix their problems then she will be normal.
The old saying 'You lay down with dogs and you're bound to get fleas' rings true on bpd/border nutjobs. Some of that emotional crazy sticks around for a while and can affect your relationships. Do not keep tabs on her at all and don't get hoovered back in.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Johny,
I don't think you ever get over a real nutter....It comes initially like a Summer Storm,suddenly out of a Blue sky comes this black cloud,thunder and bolts of lightning....The shocking experience of seeing a full blown nut case,jump off the rails,surprises you with its intensity and the sheer volume of damage!

 

[Malcontent]

I met mine summer 2010. Summer 2012 I finally grew just enough balls to end it. I resisted her attempts to re-engage, about once a month for 6 months, which was also difficult. Half my thoughts were saying "She wants to make peace and try again and be better/stable/etc" and the other half were saying "You are on the road to recovery -- don't backslide." I am still quite a bit messed up by it. It is indeed like a drug.

I still think about her once a day, even if only for about 5 minutes.

She was the perfect girlfriend (sweet, gorgeous, affectionate, attentive) -- and also the worst (cold, push/pull, orbiter-friendly, flirty, possibly a cheater). It's hard for the mind to combine the two and accept it all as the same person. I felt euphoria and the depths of hell, yet my brain just still wants to believe that only the good part could exist.

I've never had to battle with any substance addiction, but I think that the last 2 years have been rehab from my ex and the process continues.

So, you may have a long way to go. After about a year of trying to force myself to move on quickly, I gave up and decided to let nature take it's course.

 

[Johnny Alias]

So BPD 'love' is really some form of idealization. Fairy-tale thinking.

Fairy-tales aren't real.

This struck me. Very well said.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. They're much appreciated. This healing process is going to take time. I just need to accept that. 4 years of heaven then hell then heaven then hell will jack you up. Period.

It is strange. I try to avoid all contact and communication with her but people still talk. It's a small town and stuff trickles through despite all my best efforts. She's gone off the rails since we were together. She goes to hardcore swinger parties with my replacement, boozes constantly, does more coke than tony montana, and even got hospitalized from taking too much vicodin resulting in a stuffed up dumper.

Hard to stop thinking about it all when you hear stuff like this... and yes again I do my best to avoid. Really. It's been 9 months. Of course I was going to hear about some of this crap.

It's just crazy. We partied sure, but MAN this is seriously extreme stuff. I admit it, once in while I say to myself "Who the f**k were you??? WHAT THE F**K WERE YOU?" But I know it really doesn't matter. I would NEVER take her back. Finally got my self-esteem and pride up to snuff again. Oh and I know the pair of them fight too... like cats and dogs. I know it wasn't me... and yes that is comforting on some level.

Not looking for any grand solutions. Just needed to vent. And yes I've read all the BPD threads and sites in existence. Cheers.

 

[expos]

Not looking for any grand solutions. Just needed to vent. And yes I've read all the BPD threads and sites in existence. Cheers.

In my opinion....

It will take longer that usual to get over these types of break ups. The BPD woman isn't like a normal woman. I've had pretty easy breakups in the past that were a cake walk compared one I had with a BPD woman.

Please forgive yourself. In many ways, it was NOT your fault that she was that screwed up. We get involved with these types of women, not because we are naive or screwed up ourselves, it's just that we enjoy the feeling they give to us in the very beginning. And who wouldn't? It's a great feeling. You are happy and you feel loved.

What you experienced was her ability to skew reality. Realize that everything she says or acted upon you is very much a myth. It is not real in anyway.

You need to view this person as a mental patient who has no grasp of the world around them. The minute you understand this, the easier it will be for you to detach.

You may be hurt because she moved on and found a replacement. But realize that she will not change. You may think that they have changed and gotten better from the outside looking in, but it is not true either. All the pain and suffering that she did to you will be dumped onto her new fiance.

I have been there. I was that fiance. And now I'm divorced. And guess what? She's engaged a mere year after our divorced was finalized. You think she changed?

So be happy that you are done with her. In time, her looks will fade and what you would have been left with is just sad excuse for an individual.