Woman-speak
One of the BIGGEST phrases you'll hear from ANY women, family included is..."I want him to listen to me." In Guy-world, that normally means, "have a conversation, followed up with a Here's What I would Do." In Woman-world if you pull that, you've triggered World War III and alienated that girl. It's sure fire. If you want to bring about the end of any relationship with a woman, listen to what she says, then offer advice. Or better yet, DON'T listen to her.
This is something you hear parrotted about day after day, and I intend to differentiate between what the different phrases mean in different situations.
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When she's not your girl.
There's 2 pathes here...
Path 1 - Normal, Average
Women normally like men for their unbiased stance. She can trash talk her closest friends, work compatriots, or even family, and hopes you'll remain neutral. For her, it's that she's undergoing "these feelings" and has no concept that she CAN control them and not give in, and you're her outlet, just like you're the Trash Bin on your 'desktop computer.' She wants to purge herself of whatever's in her mind and 'not feel crazy'. Path 1 normally entails things like work-place conflicts, tiffs with friends, or odd feelings over live where's she indecisive. Even in these situations, you don't offer advice unless she requests. A normal woman will gripe about it, and then realize she's blabbering on needlessly perpetuating her problems. An abnormal woman will think its the end of the world. Normally female relatives fit in this category.
The most recent case for me was my grandmother speaking to my father. She'd recently lost her husband, my grandfather, and she would call a few times a week distraught, as they were married over 50 years. She was lonely, confused, and upset her family wasn't around more. As wrong on some points as she might have been, all she wanted was "to know someone is there when the world goes crazy." Most women want just THAT. But guys go a few steps too far, and offer advice, or don't listen at all. And you know what happens? Her simple, everyday upsets turn into a problem with you now.
If you don't care about this woman, don't listen, but if you do, call in the hazmat team and handle with care this explosive, sometimes toxic energy.
Path 2 - Extreme
Here, she's a headcase. Every situation is a melt down, warranting your IMMEDIATE attention. Worse off, she's not your girl. Maybe she's an FWB, a girl you're dating, a female friend, or a sister. She melts down with evil stairs in the hallway from co-workers or fellow students. She gets made at work, expects the world to be perfect, and generally has no control of her emotions. She has the memory capacity of a fish, so even if she realizes how she freaked out 3 days ago, she'll do it again because it will be a "different" situation calling for your attention.
When you fall into this trap, it perpetuates itself, gathering moss as it rolls down the hill. If you open Pandora's box, it will remain open until you draw a line in the sand. My brother dated a girl like this, and didn't know it until year 1+. Initially, it was 'normal' to be there for her, but the situations continued. They never slowed down. In fact, they hastened. And when it ended, it ended badly because again, she has no emotional control, so of course you 'hurt' her, so now you're newest enemy. That, and she can't "believe you'd do this to her."
Alot of women fall into this category, and some men ALLOW it, because she's beautiful, or she cooks, or she's nasty in bed. They allow some semblance to sneak through. But that's just the beginning, eventually comes the request for the pony, and a horse, and you to fix her. Many girls hide this side until WAY into the relationship, as they want "to get to know you." Not all women are like this. The ones worth a relationship ARE NOT like this. Some guys might like women like this. But you (we) have bigger fish to fry than trying to our women back together everyday.
When she is your girl
Path 1 - Normal, Average - When It's Not About You
If she's your girl, and she's normal. Just listen. Don't offer advice unless she requests it, OR, offer it without pushing. Say things like..."You can choose what you want, but it sounds like based on your feelings this is really bothering you, might I suggest..." I can't say how many times a woman was blatthering on and really didn't want to be 'fixed', she just wanted to go off on something and THEN she'd be fine. Men hear that and alarms go off and we hit defcon 5, and now we need to call in the marines because its a 3 alarm fire. NO! Not unless you want to be come the next issue. If you do, go for it. If not, don't.
Listening is just looking into her eyes occasionally while listening. Maybe she talks endlessly while you mute the TV with a beer in one and the remote in the other, her curled up next to you with a glass of white wine talking endlessly about her day, her thoughts, and her feelings, and eventually, once she's purged of ALL her pent up negative energy, she'll probably feel POSITIVE and GOOD and want to shag. More often than not, this is what happens. After about 20-30 minutes of her dumping all the pent up crap, it turns into a nice evening. But this is the reality. Most guys can side with this.
Path 2 - Extreme
This is normally the territory where the relationship goes afoul. Here, she's constantly upset, and normally it can be about you, or just the same frequent problems she encounters and never resolves. Maybe it's repetitive and it's work related and her negativity is wasted each day on you. You spend a majority of the week trying to console her, which leaves no time for anything else. HERE, you should call in the marines. And the kicker is, when you stop her, or interject, she'll now use the "you don't listen card."
To which your response then is..."I listen, I've always listen, but these problems seem to be repetitive and continuing to happen. They should be resolved since you're unhappy most days and it takes away from us." That's the positive spin, as positive as it can be. If you want to be a bull, which sometimes I do, put your foot down right away; no sweet talk. And you WILL have to draw a line. A major reason guys falter is they DO NOT separate boundaries. They're a knight in shining armour, so she never develops self-control. A woman EXPECTS the man to show her the boundaries, or help her cross new ones (like in sex). If you keep ALLOWING, she thinks that you are o.k. with it. This is why the AFC-friend ends up THINKING he's more, when he isn't. Because when he pays, or invites her out, or listens, she thinks he WANTS to. And he might. But she normally isn't going to be romantic it. Most girls won't dump on a new-guy right up front for fear of scaring him away. But she would with a friend, because she would allow him to open up back to her.
If she feels complaining about you and expecting you to listen about her or the relationship is right, set some boundaries and prepare your speech. You are going to have to correct this woman. First, because she's upset too often, and instead of builing memories that are positive, you're paving a negative road. When you look back, you'll see a bad relationship, not a good one. Second, because if she's THAT upset about work, or friends, or family, she needs better emotional tools to handle life, because that's life, and as I stated before, men are better at playing the game as objective players, rather than emotional participants. Not fully, but better than women.
***************
Even on E-harmony commercials, they advertise a WOMAN desiring to have her husband listen to her more. We're not talking taking dinner reservations or requests. She means open lines of communication, full blown attention, and the confidence that ANYTIME she is upset, she can gripe, bytch, moan or complain WITHOUT any retort from you. And very often, with normal women, that's what you do and then move on. When she's "abnormal" and always upset, and you didn't say "I do", assess why you're in this relationship. Most women are just WAITING to dump their earthly problems on a guy. I don't mind shouldering some of a woman's ills, or being there, I find it cute and soft, SOMETIMES. But I do mind when she EXPECTS it very often and then complains about it. If she does that, she's cut off, and likely going to find herself looking for another man.
***************
One of the BIGGEST phrases you'll hear from ANY women, family included is..."I want him to listen to me." In Guy-world, that normally means, "have a conversation, followed up with a Here's What I would Do." In Woman-world if you pull that, you've triggered World War III and alienated that girl. It's sure fire. If you want to bring about the end of any relationship with a woman, listen to what she says, then offer advice. Or better yet, DON'T listen to her.
This is something you hear parrotted about day after day, and I intend to differentiate between what the different phrases mean in different situations.
*******************
When she's not your girl.
There's 2 pathes here...
Path 1 - Normal, Average
Women normally like men for their unbiased stance. She can trash talk her closest friends, work compatriots, or even family, and hopes you'll remain neutral. For her, it's that she's undergoing "these feelings" and has no concept that she CAN control them and not give in, and you're her outlet, just like you're the Trash Bin on your 'desktop computer.' She wants to purge herself of whatever's in her mind and 'not feel crazy'. Path 1 normally entails things like work-place conflicts, tiffs with friends, or odd feelings over live where's she indecisive. Even in these situations, you don't offer advice unless she requests. A normal woman will gripe about it, and then realize she's blabbering on needlessly perpetuating her problems. An abnormal woman will think its the end of the world. Normally female relatives fit in this category.
The most recent case for me was my grandmother speaking to my father. She'd recently lost her husband, my grandfather, and she would call a few times a week distraught, as they were married over 50 years. She was lonely, confused, and upset her family wasn't around more. As wrong on some points as she might have been, all she wanted was "to know someone is there when the world goes crazy." Most women want just THAT. But guys go a few steps too far, and offer advice, or don't listen at all. And you know what happens? Her simple, everyday upsets turn into a problem with you now.
If you don't care about this woman, don't listen, but if you do, call in the hazmat team and handle with care this explosive, sometimes toxic energy.
Path 2 - Extreme
Here, she's a headcase. Every situation is a melt down, warranting your IMMEDIATE attention. Worse off, she's not your girl. Maybe she's an FWB, a girl you're dating, a female friend, or a sister. She melts down with evil stairs in the hallway from co-workers or fellow students. She gets made at work, expects the world to be perfect, and generally has no control of her emotions. She has the memory capacity of a fish, so even if she realizes how she freaked out 3 days ago, she'll do it again because it will be a "different" situation calling for your attention.
When you fall into this trap, it perpetuates itself, gathering moss as it rolls down the hill. If you open Pandora's box, it will remain open until you draw a line in the sand. My brother dated a girl like this, and didn't know it until year 1+. Initially, it was 'normal' to be there for her, but the situations continued. They never slowed down. In fact, they hastened. And when it ended, it ended badly because again, she has no emotional control, so of course you 'hurt' her, so now you're newest enemy. That, and she can't "believe you'd do this to her."
Alot of women fall into this category, and some men ALLOW it, because she's beautiful, or she cooks, or she's nasty in bed. They allow some semblance to sneak through. But that's just the beginning, eventually comes the request for the pony, and a horse, and you to fix her. Many girls hide this side until WAY into the relationship, as they want "to get to know you." Not all women are like this. The ones worth a relationship ARE NOT like this. Some guys might like women like this. But you (we) have bigger fish to fry than trying to our women back together everyday.
When she is your girl
Path 1 - Normal, Average - When It's Not About You
If she's your girl, and she's normal. Just listen. Don't offer advice unless she requests it, OR, offer it without pushing. Say things like..."You can choose what you want, but it sounds like based on your feelings this is really bothering you, might I suggest..." I can't say how many times a woman was blatthering on and really didn't want to be 'fixed', she just wanted to go off on something and THEN she'd be fine. Men hear that and alarms go off and we hit defcon 5, and now we need to call in the marines because its a 3 alarm fire. NO! Not unless you want to be come the next issue. If you do, go for it. If not, don't.
Listening is just looking into her eyes occasionally while listening. Maybe she talks endlessly while you mute the TV with a beer in one and the remote in the other, her curled up next to you with a glass of white wine talking endlessly about her day, her thoughts, and her feelings, and eventually, once she's purged of ALL her pent up negative energy, she'll probably feel POSITIVE and GOOD and want to shag. More often than not, this is what happens. After about 20-30 minutes of her dumping all the pent up crap, it turns into a nice evening. But this is the reality. Most guys can side with this.
Path 2 - Extreme
This is normally the territory where the relationship goes afoul. Here, she's constantly upset, and normally it can be about you, or just the same frequent problems she encounters and never resolves. Maybe it's repetitive and it's work related and her negativity is wasted each day on you. You spend a majority of the week trying to console her, which leaves no time for anything else. HERE, you should call in the marines. And the kicker is, when you stop her, or interject, she'll now use the "you don't listen card."
To which your response then is..."I listen, I've always listen, but these problems seem to be repetitive and continuing to happen. They should be resolved since you're unhappy most days and it takes away from us." That's the positive spin, as positive as it can be. If you want to be a bull, which sometimes I do, put your foot down right away; no sweet talk. And you WILL have to draw a line. A major reason guys falter is they DO NOT separate boundaries. They're a knight in shining armour, so she never develops self-control. A woman EXPECTS the man to show her the boundaries, or help her cross new ones (like in sex). If you keep ALLOWING, she thinks that you are o.k. with it. This is why the AFC-friend ends up THINKING he's more, when he isn't. Because when he pays, or invites her out, or listens, she thinks he WANTS to. And he might. But she normally isn't going to be romantic it. Most girls won't dump on a new-guy right up front for fear of scaring him away. But she would with a friend, because she would allow him to open up back to her.
If she feels complaining about you and expecting you to listen about her or the relationship is right, set some boundaries and prepare your speech. You are going to have to correct this woman. First, because she's upset too often, and instead of builing memories that are positive, you're paving a negative road. When you look back, you'll see a bad relationship, not a good one. Second, because if she's THAT upset about work, or friends, or family, she needs better emotional tools to handle life, because that's life, and as I stated before, men are better at playing the game as objective players, rather than emotional participants. Not fully, but better than women.
***************
Even on E-harmony commercials, they advertise a WOMAN desiring to have her husband listen to her more. We're not talking taking dinner reservations or requests. She means open lines of communication, full blown attention, and the confidence that ANYTIME she is upset, she can gripe, bytch, moan or complain WITHOUT any retort from you. And very often, with normal women, that's what you do and then move on. When she's "abnormal" and always upset, and you didn't say "I do", assess why you're in this relationship. Most women are just WAITING to dump their earthly problems on a guy. I don't mind shouldering some of a woman's ills, or being there, I find it cute and soft, SOMETIMES. But I do mind when she EXPECTS it very often and then complains about it. If she does that, she's cut off, and likely going to find herself looking for another man.
***************
I'm one of the guys that can't side with this.
