What girls define as a connection

[blueline]

I'm starting to notice that the girls I mentally classify as boring and have personality incompatibilities with me want relationships. It's these same women that I find myself running into conversational dead ends with and not knowing what to talk about with them that start to get feelings for me. What I do with these girls (and all girls) is provide them with non-verbals that would indicate that I like them. I'll cuddle with them, give them long periods of direct eye contact, make them feel better about themselves, make sure they get off during sex, and listen to them bitch about things. I'm a very empathic person, I can't stop myself from doing these things sometimes.

The last girl I dated like this I had NOTHING in common with. It made for a very frustrating and torturous relationship. However, this girl still thought she knew me and still feels like she has a deep connection with me. She still wants to hang out with me even after I ended our relationship 6 months ago with total reckless abandon. Why? I hated her towards the end and she definitely disliked me.

Then I end up meeting some girl I can actually have a enjoyable conversations with and we have tons in common, I give her a ****load of orgasms, and she ends up only calling me for sex every once in a while. I actually feel a legit connection with this girl. We have the same sense humor, we enjoy getting in deep, abstract conversations, we're both science grad students, she has the same taste in music that I do, the sex is great, etc. There's a mutually acknowledged connection. However, the difference with this girl and the others is that this one consistently gets much more physically attractive LTR's than the others do. She probably has higher self-esteem and realizes she can do better than me physically.

Simultaneously, I'm finding myself in a situation with a girl that wants to girlfriend up on me and I have nothing in common with her. I don't want her for anything more than sex and physical intimacy. She's boring as hell. She definitely feels a 'connection' with me. Why try to get in a relationship with me if you're a self-admitted slut that's banged 17 other dudes? What made me any different from the other 17 guys you had sex with and never got in a relationship with (according to my friends, I'm the first guy she's actively chased down for a relationship)?

I'm just sick of it, man. This always happens.

So, this begs the question: if it isn't common interests, enjoyable conversation, and similar personalities then what is it that girls define as a connection? Is it these stupid non-verbal gimmicks that any good actor can fake?

 

[st_99]

I hear ya bro, I hear ya loud and clear. This is a classic case of.. The girls that I want, don't want me, the ones that I don't want, want me.

It sucks, it's nothing new.

I could be in a committed relationship, married even, if I had accepted the girls that wanted me for the long haul. Unfortunately, the ones that I DO want around, don't stick around. I don't get it. Maybe its me.

 

[blueline]

I mean, it's kinda weird how they'll have sex with me yet don't want me for anything more. Then, I see them get in relationships with these fucking goons or classically handsome, tall guys. The latter I understand; I wasn't physically attractive enough to parade in front of your girlfriends. However, the former boggles my mind to no end.

 

[st_99]

Dude, you're preaching to the choir. I have sex with these chicks and a few of them I dig and want to date them and they go cold on me. I know i'm good in bed and what not. Then I see them dating some douche, I'm like wtf?!!? In fairness, they aren't all douchebags but I'm left wondering what was wrong with me?? Must be some kind of vibe I'm giving off or something.

 

[st_99]

...

 

[blueline]

For the girls that settle with goons instead of us, I don't think there's anything wrong with us. They perceive us as too good for them (yes, this is real) and they feel like we'll just cheat on them, so they settle for some goon they know won't cheat on them.

For the girls that end up dating tall, classically handsome guys, it's the opposite. They found a better buyer.

 

[blueline]

I mean, really, some of the Don Juan guys will say it's because you were too needy that the girl out of your physical league didn't wind up getting in an LTR with you. That's bullshit. If you guys both have the same threshold level of interest in each other, you guys are going to wind up in a relationship. I've been in relationships with girls where we were both simultaneously needy one month into the relationship (hanging out at least 5 times a week) and it was no problem. It's all about having similar interest levels.

 

[synergy1]

women cease chasing you as soon as you become less, or a non existent challenge. What works in relationships is if one party is attracted to the other more than the other. It means they have to continue to work at it, as opposed to getting complacent. I find the connection is intensified when there is an obstacle ; it makes it an infinity larger challenge. A few examples for the sake of not being an armchair theorist.

Case 1. My friend is good at keeping women around to hook up with. never dates them. Doesn't much care for them. They all want a relationship. They all know he gets around. Its a challenge for them. Sure, they complain about his semi player status, but it doesn't stop them from trying. There is no spark there, at least as far as he is concerned.

Case 2: my last relationship is a fine exhibit. While we got along well, I got bored very quickly and would have rather just chilled instead of hang out with her. This made her work very hard. She would get jealous if I talked to her room mate who I had no intention of hooking up with. Any obstacle made her work harder.

Case 3: the most interesting. My friends ex who clearly has attraction, and likewise. Obviously nothing will happen , but it easily could. She knows im pretty loyal to my friends, hence an impossible obstacle.

Case 4 and beyond: A lot of the chicks I hook up with who I think I get along with, but after hanging out and sex and what not, it just evaporates. This happens a lot. Actually its very similar to what the OP is talking about. Case and point is I cease becoming a challenge, and the interest is lost. Could be personality mismatches too, who knows. Its hard to tell only from one point of view.

 

[st_99]

women cease chasing you as soon as you become less, or a non existent challenge. What works in relationships is if one party is attracted to the other more than the other. It means they have to continue to work at it, as opposed to getting complacent. I find the connection is intensified when there is an obstacle ; it makes it an infinity larger challenge. A few examples for the sake of not being an armchair theorist.

Case 1. My friend is good at keeping women around to hook up with. never dates them. Doesn't much care for them. They all want a relationship. They all know he gets around. Its a challenge for them. Sure, they complain about his semi player status, but it doesn't stop them from trying. There is no spark there, at least as far as he is concerned.

Case 2: my last relationship is a fine exhibit. While we got along well, I got bored very quickly and would have rather just chilled instead of hang out with her. This made her work very hard. She would get jealous if I talked to her room mate who I had no intention of hooking up with. Any obstacle made her work harder.

Case 3: the most interesting. My friends ex who clearly has attraction, and likewise. Obviously nothing will happen , but it easily could. She knows im pretty loyal to my friends, hence an impossible obstacle.

Case 4 and beyond: A lot of the chicks I hook up with who I think I get along with, but after hanging out and sex and what not, it just evaporates. This happens a lot. Actually its very similar to what the OP is talking about. Case and point is I cease becoming a challenge, and the interest is lost. Could be personality mismatches too, who knows. Its hard to tell only from one point of view.

So it sounds like you're saying that you should always strive to be the person who wants the other less. Or at least pretend.

 

[zekko]

So it sounds like you're saying that you should always strive to be the person who wants the other less.

It does sound like that it what he is saying. And I hate to say this, but I tend to agree. I think it works out better when the guy is the one who is less invested, and it's the girl who wants it more. It just plays out better for the masculine and feminine roles that way.

 

[synergy1]

So it sounds like you're saying that you should always strive to be the person who wants the other less. Or at least pretend.

I am pretty pragmatic here and try and cite experiences to back my claims. I'll be brutally honest with you; I would rather have a relationship based on a strong connection rather than by circumstance, but my experiences dictate otherwise. Weather or not you strive to be less interested is up to you, but from the standpoint of it working, it certainly does.

We all already know being too available is a bad thing. Basically what I posted was a spin off that.

In the cases where it didnt work out for me, it seemed there was no challenge for the chicks. I basically shot myself in the foot. My game isnt perfect and i find myself being forward sometimes. In the cases it did work, the girls thought I was a player, and they didn't have access to me for stretches. This no doubt helped build up good tension. Seeming preoccupied is great. Being preoccupied is probably even better. It is a dance, and it seems one must learn the steps to seduce the women we are actually interested in!

 

[blueline]

I know, its scary. Attraction makes no sense. And the classically tall handsome guys could get cheated on with bad boys. I know that there are 5's and 6's that I am more attracted to than many objective 8's.

In my case, I am the short, handsome guy, what a mind fcuk lol. I can get 9's that don't mind short guys but otherwise its 6-7's lol.

I know a short, classically handsome (great jawline) guy that is exactly like that. He either gets total babes or 6-7's. You guys have it rough. Lots of girls will not get with guys that are shorter than them even though the guy makes their ***** wet. It's all about impressing your girlfriends for some of them, and a short guy just won't do it.

He does get laid a lot, though.