Wants to be married..LTR Advice?

[GhengisT]

We've been together 5.5 years and I feel that she would make a good wife & mother. She's responsible with money & we borrow/repay each other without qualm. Dates & outings are usually a 60/40 split, so we take care of each other on opposing pay dates. We don't live together, and I moved about an hour away last year to be closer to work. We take turns driving to visit each other weekends. You get the picture.

I got bombarded with text messages last night. Luckily, I was already asleep. Two or three hours earlier, I had mentioned that I was in bed.
She's upset that I don't answer my phone, and I "take & take, and it's always about what I want". She's going to stop calling and texting me because it upsets her so much. Well, money has been tight, so I cancelled my cell phone service. I have several alternatives to keep in touch with her, such as a direct line in my office & Google voice allows me to make free calls from my computer when I'm at home. I can also use it to text her when my cell is connected to WiFi. So communications are covered.

I understand 5-6 years and no ring may be upsetting her. I actually believe that's about 70% of the problem. She & I have had plenty of talks about marriage & money is the only thing holding us back, but I've mentioned more than once that we could drive to the courthouse, pay $100 for a marriage cert. and move into my place (I've been living on my own since age 19, she's still at home). She wants it to be "special" when I propose (whatever that means :crackup: ) Is the commitment itself not "special"? Am I going to live my life always trying to make things "special" if I marry this one? Not trying to set myself up to constantly compete with myself each year.

Truth is- I have a lot going on in life right now. My company is growing exponentially, have had people leave my dept for roles in other depts. Between training new people and spreading myself thin to fill the coverage gaps (I work in a Network Op Center), my mind is mush by the time I get home. I've got a big Cisco exam coming up in 30 days, so I'm cramming for that & come 8pm, it's time to hit the hay, so I can be up at 5am.

As I get older, my tolerance for bullsh!t gets lesser and women just seem to get more sensitive. I almost formulated a response to her messages, but it was 5am when I read them and didn't really want to start my day off like that. I think the best thing I can do is not respond, but would like to maintain my relationship, instead of having a communication standoff where neither of us try anymore. Any seasoned vets with some good advice?

 

[Colossus]

I'd tread very carefully with marriage here. She seems to be wanting more and more but what is she bringing into YOUR life? Good with money? Ok, that's nice, but I've dated women who were very practical and good with money and otherwise made my life freaking miserable. That's only one piece of the pie.

You need to realize a few things. 1), You're only 25 and I don't think your experience with women is very broad, considering you've been with her for nigh on 6 years. 2) These things she is doing now will NOT stop after marriage. Maybe for a short period, but once the newness of marriage wears off, she'll go right back to harping on your case about not being home enough, not texting her back, not taking enough vacations, not going out to eat at nice places, not wanting kids yet, not doing ABCDEFG......ad nauseum.

I know the prospect of ending a 6 year relationship is not ideal, and I'm not saying your should right away, but she does seem to be getting antsy.

More info about her behaviors would be helpful here.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm guessing she had PMS, which is what was making her flip out. It's kind of like being drunk - you get to find out what they're really thinking.

She's your age, right? You've got to understand that she is starting to feel like an old maid by now, especially living at home. Her friends and family are probably making snide comments to her about why 'that man' won't marry her. To be fair, she is almost to the point where her looks and her child-bearing ability are going to start to slowly go downhill. If she wants marriage and children, it's not helping that goal to waste her good years with a man who is never going to provide them. I'm not telling you to marry her this instant, but that is what is going on in her mind; that's the emotion against which you are negotiating.

 

[GhengisT]

I think you're both raising very valid points. 8 of 10, we get along well, but there's a pattern to it, probably PMS. I kid you not, I moved to where I'm living now the last day of Oct '12. Within a week I had this same ordeal with her. Here we are a year later. The irony. As far as behavior goes, it has been much better, considering we got together at age 20. So many changes, advances in careers, life, etc. We made it through some thick...

She comes from a traditional hispanic catholic familia. That said, I know they tend to get married young(er), although her parents were 30-32 when they tied the knot (and divorced a few months ago for that matter). I used to visit her mom monthly for a haircut, since she runs a salon. The topic of her cousin's upcoming wedding who was about 24 at the time came up (they divorced in a year). Her mom insisted that 24/25 is too young, so I know she backs me up. Dad on the other hand had a kid from a ONS that he supported well into college. He's cool with living together pre-martially. Not sure he even supports the idea of marriage these days.

Surprisingly, the social stigma that rubs off from the rest of the family is that of getting married in the church, before living together, etc. I'm not about to let a group of people that don't know ME all that well influence who, when, and how I go about picking & spending my life with someone. Not sure how I would handle an ultimatum, though. Not much for living in regret, friends. At the end of the day this decision is about who is to be the mother of my children. Sure as hell don't want to end up in a custody suit at 40. My supervisor just finished his, and I was doing his work for him during last few months, since his head was just not about work at all.

 

[stephenbaldwin]

First things first, what would make you happy in life? What do you want? What are your unfulfilled dreams? Because you haven't said it and it's really the most important thing and the reason we are all here. I want to travel to every continent in the world like Carmen san diego, get into adventures and not hand my life to a woman.

You're correct, the friction is that she doesn't have a ring. I'm not a veteran but I've been there. Put in 4 years with a woman I loved deeply, never proposed because I had/have student loans to pay back and my timeline for doing right by her: getting married, owning a home, supporting her and kids had been set back 5-10 years. These are practical matters women don't fully appreciate. Eventually they get impatient and leave. You get stronger and more mature, their physical attraction declines and they get desperate, find a white knight or live alone.

PS you're not a man until you've had your heart broken by a woman. So don't worry

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Ghenghis,
"There's a pattern to it"....Probably is,track it on the Calander,there will be a 28 Day Cycle....
Collossus has some very good points,she sounds very much like a burden for you to carry...next it's Kids...I feel this Girl will drag you down..
So Ghenghis you are very young,you have years of fertility ahead of you...these years are so important in establishing your business,your great Nation is on the move again...Happy days are coming for the skilled and enterprising...At this stage in your very young life,you do need a Woman around to relax you,but not to be a burden on your energies...No need to dump her,Just cruise along on the same course you have been on for five years,listen to her wants and wishes,nod and agree,never say no,then do what the Fvuck is best for you!

 

[scrouds]

When she gets like that, do you call her out? Or do you just take it? If you call her out, do you direct confront? Do you rise above it and tease her?

If you don't tease her, maybe you should consider it. Amused mastery is the attitude to have.

All women will test you. You should be able to handle it and rise above it.

 

[Colossus]

She comes from a traditional hispanic catholic familia.

Man, children are the meaning of life for traditional Hispanic women. That's fine if you want them too, but like you said this is probably one of the most important decisions you'll make in your life. Look at what your boss just went through. There are lots of women who would make great mothers, but that doesn't necessarily mean she will make YOUR life better. Kids are just an added stress and responsibility for you.

When she gets like that, do you call her out? Or do you just take it? If you call her out, do you direct confront? Do you rise above it and tease her?

If you don't tease her, maybe you should consider it. Amused mastery is the attitude to have.

All women will test you. You should be able to handle it and rise above it.

This isn't a "sh!t test", it's a forecast of things to come.

 

[5string]

Ah fvckit. She's a cluster b. Move on.

Nothing like labeling.

 

[VladPatton]

Time for you to upgrade. Let her walk with all of her demands. You're only 25. As Colossus said, this will not end when you're married, especially from a Latin woman.

Espi's advice is golden!

 

[amoka]

Be wise in your decision makings

Personally, I do not see anything wrong with her at all, especially
regarding her messages. She got frustrated because you were not picking up her
calls which was very much the expected reactions of a woman especially if
is concerned about your welfare. In your case, leaving miles apart
make things even more difficult and I have the feelings this is not
the first time she expressed a frustration reactions towards you regarding you not
answering her calls.

I know you mentioned your communication with her is solid but 1) was she
aware that you cut off your mobile service and that you are not able
to receive calls unless you have access to a wireless network? 2) Was
she aware that you have been busy at work and that you have to sleep
early in order for you getup on time to make it to work the following
morning? 3) Was she aware that you have important exam and that you are
preparing for it?

One thing I can tell you is that, it is never easy to maintain a good
relationship. It takes work. Being in a five-and-halve years of a "dating"
relationship is not easy. I am sure you saw something in her and her
in you that makes such a bond between the two of you very
strong. There are people in here that are pleased to advice you to "cut
her loose" because "at so-and-so years old, you're young" to be "tide
down" and that you should "explore new things". The funny thing is
most of these people have either made-up their minds to not get
married or are still searching for their "match" in their forties way back
from their twenties. They forgot that it is not everybody that wants
to live that sort of lifestyle.

Granted, you shouldn't get married to a woman solely because she gives you
an ultimatum and useless demands. In fact, I ended a two-and-half years relationship because of
that very reasons. For your girl, I do not see anything of that nature
in her requests. Her interest to have a "special" wedding is
every woman's dream. Don't blame her for it. It is just the way it
is. Most of them have dreamed about it since they started playing with
barbie dolls at the age of three. As for that "special" proposal, it is yours to be creative. Look,
it is unwise to end a six years relationship because.....

Be very mindful when you take advices from people on this forum,
especially when it comes to marriage. The aims of this forum has
substantially drifted from how to be a man and not be a woosie to how
increase on your number of coochies. If you take a survey of those on
here that are married? Probably, 5 to 8 percent. How about those that
are happily married? You can probably count them on your figures,
maybe one hand figures. When it comes to relationships, a wise man once
said, the challenge for a man is not in getting into a relationship
but to maintain it.

So, be prudent in your decision makings.