very, very interesting story i want to share

[backbreaker]

I come across real life stories becuase of the groups I am associated with and alot of them can relate to this forum.

None of these names are real for anamity sake

Deshawn has 8 months clean, is in pretty good shape, makes pretty good money. He's just starting to date becuase of weight loss and becuase it was strongly recommended he stay out of relationships for a period of time when he first got clean.

he goes on a few dates, now that women are interested in him, and runs into a girl name Lynn. She's a decent looking girl. not a knockout but not ugly at all. datable depending on personality. Redhead. She's a couple of years older than him, and they have alot in common, although they are different races (he's black, she's white). They are both athiests, He has a college degree, she is 6 months away from getting hers. She has 2 months clean but you could tell at least from an outsiders perspective, she had her head on her sholders.

one thing lead to another... and they started going on dates, and found out they really like each other.

They start dating, all is fine for about 2 weeks. They both live at a place where recovering addicts go to get on their feet while still being out int he real world. Another guy moves named Sam who not only moves in, is Desahwns roommate.

Deshawn can already tell that sam is hitting on his girl. Sam is the same age as Lynn, is white, works at ihop (deshawn is an ASP.NET programmer) and also has less than a week clean.

Sam jones the college gym that Lynn goes to.. Deshawn doesn't find out until later.

Lynn also has a homosexual friend named Paul. They are like brothers and sisters. Sam hangs out with Paul alot and in turn hangs out with Lynn.

Soon, Lynn is telling Deshawn that he is smoothering her. He is confused becuase well.. he doesn't feel he is smothering her, no more than her friends are, he works and goes to meetings and goes to the gym. But he does admit that having a relatioship is hard to do when you live with someone off the bat, so they make set times to go out and do stuff.

that lates for all of a half of a week.

her birthday comes up, he takes her out to a nice resturant, buys her about 150 dollars worth of gifts (amoung other countless things he's done for her, and done so happily).. and he can tell she is distant torwards him. He wants to take her somewhere else after dinner and she wants to go back to where they live.

so he asks her.. well.. do you even lke me? she doesn't give an answer. he's pissed by now.

So then he says okay w ell we dont' date anymore.

The next saturday everyone is gone to play put put golf and ironically deshawn doesn't know about it. then sam comes out the blue and tells desawn that he isnt' hitting on his ex GF.

Deashawn then finds sam sneaking on the phone and sneaking around and pays him more attentiona nd notices that him and his EX are hanging out more. he confrunts his room mate and he says yes he was talking to her.


I personally know all three of these people and I know sam enough to know where he has no long term plan on staying clean, he doesn't go to meetings, doesn't take his soberity seriously, yet he's probably the worst alcoholic I've ever seen. Lynn started out very gung ho about her recovery, which is one of the resaons Deshawn was attracted to her as he is very serious about his recovery. Now she doesn't go to meetings and has even started missing days in school.

Now, they dont' hang out with paul anymore, they just go and leave and do **** (alot like he used to do with her when she was dating).

everywhere he turns around they are all on each other. he comes out side one day and finds his tounge down her throat. he can't take it.

Deshawn sits down and talks to Lynn and asked what the **** did he do to have her fvck his roommate besides be a good, respectable person? she says she wants to be his friend and she cares for him and denies anything is going on with his room mate, yet can't sit still long enough as soon as she sees him walking by. It's pretty ovbious she does not care about Deshawn and very much cares for Sam yet he does not figure what sam has that Deshawn doesn't (i'm scratching my head on that one myself)

All of this, and somehow Deshawn doesn't replase (very proud of him).

But soon after that converstaion Lynn actually does releaspe.


What do you think about that situtation?

I"m very curious to know...

some of it i can make out. He has some DJ qualities (moving on for the most part once he realized it was over with him and her) but some AFC qualities as well (too quick to committ)

 

[HoneyHitter]

Interesting story. IMO Deshawn didn't do anything wrong. It's better for him to get with girls with no alcohol addiction.

A few years ago I was homeless and trying to get out of trouble and off the streets. At a certain point I was allowed to stay in a homeless shelter for a month. There were three women (23, 42 and 51 y/o) and about 50 men ranging from 18 to 63 y/o. Me and the 23 y/o girl (Eve), vibed from to start and started hooking up.

I guess I was like Deshawn, and really focused on getting out of there: getting a job and find a place to live as soon as possible. And I hoped the same for Eve.

Every day I would put my efforts into finding a job, and go back to the homeless shelter in the evening. After a few weeks I noticed that Eve started hanging with this guy Jason while I was away. Jason was a very friendly guy and nice to hang out with. Always fun. I noticed that he was a really layed back kind of guy, and acted like he could stay in that shelter for as long as he needed. Most of his time was spent in the shelter trying to be social and playing card games.
And also increasingly more often with Eve. And before I knew, Eve started letting him sneak into her room at night. It was hard for me to believe that the girl would prefer a guy like Jason instead of me. Even when homeless and struggling to survive.
I immediately stopped talking to her, or keep any kind of contact and went on building the life I wanted. And I'm glad I did that.

I had this kind of experience before with other girls in other circumstances, but this time it really hit home for me: Instant fun attracts women like honey attracts bees.

It's really just a form of escapism. When women feel bad about their life, a guy that makes them forget their problems is usually prefered over a guy that helps them out of their problems. Very few will do otherwise.

The best thing you can do is realise what your mission is, and stick to it.

Never doubt your mission, just because some woman doesn't appreciate it.
Eventually you will get more sex and more positve female attention when you stick to your mission. You'll be happier about the way your life unfolds and know that you're the best man you can be.

I believe there is only ONE reason why men exist:to improve the quality of life for humanity.The greater our perceived contribution, the more we can reproduce ourselves.

 

[Jitterbug]

I had this kind of experience before with other girls in other circumstances, but this time it really hit home for me: Instant fun attracts women like honey attracts bees.

It's really just a form of escapism. When women feel bad about their life, a guy that makes them forget their problems is usually prefered over a guy that helps them out of their problems. Very few will do otherwise.

Those words are dead on, thank you. That explains a few experiences with women for me.

 

[jophil28]

When women feel bad about their life, a guy that makes them forget their problems is usually prefered over a guy that helps them out of their problems. Very few will do otherwise.

[/I]

Women who feel bad are soft targets for "fun guys". Enter Pablo the pool guy.

And you are very right when you say that woman will prefer a fun guy to a guy who helps them or goes to work on finding solutions to her problems.
Most women are 'avoidant' by nature (and nurture). They are generally absolutely hopeless at problem solving. Moaning, whining and blame shifting seem to be their favorite devices for coping...and if those fail to lift her spirits, she takes Pablo a cool drink.

 

[jophil28]

All of this, and somehow Deshawn doesn't replase (very proud of him).

But soon after that converstaion Lynn actually does releaspe.


What do you think about that situtation?

I"m very curious to know...

YOu know enough about recovery to realize that all of those folks broke the AA guidelines in regard to forming new relationships in early recovery.
The reason that the organization discourages relationships (or major life decision making) is because of the fragile emotional state of someone who is in the primary stage of recovery. Regrowth takes time and committment to sobriety above all else.

DEshawn is probably going to make it.
The others may not. Relapse is a serious regression because it means that the person has not even internalized Step 1 and accepted their powerlessness over alcohol. A relapse is an action of bad faith.It is self will running wild against all the advice, help and guidance from those who are there to support her recovery.
Does she understand (even superficially) that "controlled drinking" is a delusion?
The best thing that you could do would be to take Lynn back to meetings and ask her to start over.

 

[vitor]

Hmmm Deshawn was the classis dependable guy who would help the girl and make it. The problem is he is safe, dependable and will help her. The other guy is bad for her, new and is not going to make it. She wants a challange and wants to change him. He is also white which in some strange way might play a part in this. I love/hate every race equally but sometimes people will only date in their race.

**** the two of thim, I hope Deshawn makes it and gets away from this drama. H

 

[Luthor Rex]

The best thing that you could do would be to take Lynn back to meetings and ask her to start over.

But that's not FUN!

*sigh*

 

[backbreaker]

first of all this is 110% ture. I left a couple of things out but it's very very true and has enough DJ dynamics It hought I would change some of the names and post it and get some thoughts.

jophil, I'm deshawn's sponser which is why I know so much about him. I told him not to get in a relationship for at least 6 months and we will go from there.

he was at a point where he was not so much looking for a girlfriend as much as women were asking him out and he was at a stage in his reocvery where I would be saying no for the sake of no. it was time for him if he wanted it. I don't consider 8 months early recovery. it's not aftercare yet but not early recovery.

He really clicked with lynn, at least he thought he did, and I can see why. they do have alot in common.

but what i got out of it, and what got me to post it, was she went from really digging him (there was a time period where she was really into him. it was very ovbious) to basically acting like she hated his guts just beucase this new guy was around.

I know sam from meetings and from jsut being around.

it's one thing to not like someone anymore, but to go out of your way to be a ***** is something else.

as a man I told him about the gifts and taking her out to eat every other night (that's the thing.. it's not like all he did was work, he WAS being fun, he took her out to eat alot, took her places, etc) that she has to earn that stuff. he gave her way to much respect way to quickly.

someone made a comment that you will do better with women when you start makign conclusions rather than observations and I think that was deshawn's problem here. he made an observation about her and concluded wrong. but that was something he was going to have to learn sooner or later, and I really don't thnk it has to do with clean time and moreso with life experience with the opposite sex.

 

[Heretolearn]

Interesting story. IMO Deshawn didn't do anything wrong. It's better for him to get with girls with no alcohol addiction.

A few years ago I was homeless and trying to get out of trouble and off the streets. At a certain point I was allowed to stay in a homeless shelter for a month. There were three women (23, 42 and 51 y/o) and about 50 men ranging from 18 to 63 y/o. Me and the 23 y/o girl (Eve), vibed from to start and started hooking up.

I guess I was like Deshawn, and really focused on getting out of there: getting a job and find a place to live as soon as possible. And I hoped the same for Eve.

Every day I would put my efforts into finding a job, and go back to the homeless shelter in the evening. After a few weeks I noticed that Eve started hanging with this guy Jason while I was away. Jason was a very friendly guy and nice to hang out with. Always fun. I noticed that he was a really layed back kind of guy, and acted like he could stay in that shelter for as long as he needed. Most of his time was spent in the shelter trying to be social and playing card games.
And also increasingly more often with Eve. And before I knew, Eve started letting him sneak into her room at night. It was hard for me to believe that the girl would prefer a guy like Jason instead of me. Even when homeless and struggling to survive.
I immediately stopped talking to her, or keep any kind of contact and went on building the life I wanted. And I'm glad I did that.

I had this kind of experience before with other girls in other circumstances, but this time it really hit home for me: Instant fun attracts women like honey attracts bees.

It's really just a form of escapism. When women feel bad about their life, a guy that makes them forget their problems is usually prefered over a guy that helps them out of their problems. Very few will do otherwise.

The best thing you can do is realise what your mission is, and stick to it.

Never doubt your mission, just because some woman doesn't appreciate it.
Eventually you will get more sex and more positve female attention when you stick to your mission. You'll be happier about the way your life unfolds and know that you're the best man you can be.

I believe there is only ONE reason why men exist:to improve the quality of life for humanity.The greater our perceived contribution, the more we can reproduce ourselves.

great post and story. I hope you are achieving your mission and beyond!!!

 

[Da Realist]

In the grand scheme of things, it may have been better. When people are confronted with doing right and wrong, guess where most turn. On top of that, when it gets represented in a relationship, it gets worse for the guy doing the right thing. But he has to realize he's met a woman with the habit of doing the wrong thing when it presents itself or else she wouldn't have been an addict. She something good and saw the dangerous but fun, and wanted what she used to have. It may hurt your friend, but he's better without her because she may have been the on to pull him down later on.

 

[horaholic]

Well, it sounds like the situation is now being rubbed in Deshawns face now, and that's what sucks about it. He needs to go no-contact with either one of them, but he's stuck at this halfway house with both of them, and has to see it/be around it all the time. Thats the worst part of a breakup, is if you cant avoid her, let alone see her with your roomate, or any other guy for that matter. Its like having it in your face really amplifies the breakup emotions

This will be a very hard test for him to stay clean, cuz I know shyt like that would drive me to the bottle in a heartbeat. Any chance he can get away from the halfway house so he isnt exposed to that? Is he required to be there, or anything?

 

[backbreaker]

actually he's not.

Originally the plan was to get him through the 12 steps before he moves out. not only that, I want him to move out "right" meaning have furniture and everything

but we might have to reconsider

he does not have to be there.

you hit the nail horaholic. it's being rubbed in his face. by both of them.

he doesn't understand what he did to desreve it being so rubbed in his face. that's what he is stuck on. he's a very nice guy, even offered his room to his roommate becuase he didn't like his first roommate.

 

[Warrior74]

Never doubt your mission, just because some woman doesn't appreciate it.
Eventually you will get more sex and more positve female attention when you stick to your mission. You'll be happier about the way your life unfolds and know that you're the best man you can be.

Modern day version of nice guys finish last.

Backbreaker..your boy broke all the rules and paid for it. Straight AFC in the game.

 

[backbreaker]

i dont' agree with that.

and i think you are missing my point.

I mean, this is more com plex than AFC and DJ

I assure you, sam is no dj. in fact he's a worse AFC than Deshawn. way worse. the guy that when he gets a girl in his life all he does is follow her around and want to do **** with her. move in within months becuase she's the one.

so it's alot more complex than he's a DJ, my little sister is more of a DJ than he is.

Sam has no ambition where as Deshawn has a college degree is a computer pogrammer

Sam does freaking yoga (to go to the same classes as lynn does) and Deshawn lifts weights on a daily basis (with me actually)

Deshawn has a life outside of women, although he does have AFC qualities. Sam does nothing but goes to these facitliies and pray on women, go out with them, realaspse, rense and repeat.


the coldness is what facinates me more than anything else.

 

[Warrior74]

i dont' agree with that.

and i think you are missing my point.

I mean, this is more com plex than AFC and DJ

I assure you, sam is no dj. in fact he's a worse AFC than Deshawn. way worse. the guy that when he gets a girl in his life all he does is follow her around and want to do **** with her. move in within months becuase she's the one.

so it's alot more complex than he's a DJ, my little sister is more of a DJ than he is.

Sam has no ambition where as Deshawn has a college degree is a computer pogrammer

Sam does freaking yoga (to go to the same classes as lynn does) and Deshawn lifts weights on a daily basis (with me actually)

Deshawn has a life outside of women, although he does have AFC qualities. Sam does nothing but goes to these facitliies and pray on women, go out with them, realaspse, rense and repeat.


the coldness is what facinates me more than anything else.

I didn't say sam was a DJ. Stop thinking in binary. I said your boy was AFC. He tried to treat a ho like a housewife. She had to find water on her own level man. he should have realized she wasn't worth that time and effort and just banged her and moved on. I've noticed that when I date some girls, they will say these magic words, which let's me know their level of self esteem and that it will never go anywhere good. "your too good for me, or I don't deserve someone so good". Eventually that turns into resentment, it makes them feel inadequate, their self esteem is so low, so they have to go get someone lower to make themselves feel good about themselves. The point is..you boy tried to be too nice to someone who didn't deserve it. Rubbing it in his face, its the ultimate passive-aggressive response.

 

[backbreaker]

you just peeked my interest with something you said.

explain to me how rubbing it in his face is passive agressive.

I'm not saying you are wrong. i'm sure you ar eright. i just never thought of it like that and i'm curious for you to explain more.

 

[Warrior74]

have you ever met someone who made you feel inferior? (of course nobody makes you feel anyway, its how you interpret it). But wasn't there an urge to "get back" at that person?


What is the easiest way for her to get back at him? She could take the time to hide what she's doing. She could spare his feelings. But she doesn't care, and in fact would enjoy seeing him upset. She has justified her actions in her mind with him being the bad guy in some way. I'm sure if you talked to her she would find someway to make this his fault. I would be surprised if she didn't. I've learned to spot women like that. Those are the ones you have to treat mean to keep keen.

plus redheads are crazy.

 

[DJDamage]

plus redheads are crazy.

cosign :crackup:

 

[Zunder]

have you ever met someone who made you feel inferior? (of course nobody makes you feel anyway, its how you interpret it). But wasn't there an urge to "get back" at that person?


What is the easiest way for her to get back at him? She could take the time to hide what she's doing. She could spare his feelings. But she doesn't care, and in fact would enjoy seeing him upset. She has justified her actions in her mind with him being the bad guy in some way. I'm sure if you talked to her she would find someway to make this his fault. I would be surprised if she didn't. I've learned to spot women like that. Those are the ones you have to treat mean to keep keen.

plus redheads are crazy.

She wants to bring him down to her level. And in a way, she resents that he even likes her.
Sounds crazy - but as a lot of chicks are fvcked in the head anyway - being a recovering addict can only make 'em worse.
She is sort of self mutilating herself when she turns on the good guy, the only guy that probably gives a fvck about her sorry crackhore arse.

 

[backbreaker]

she's a pill head but continue.