understanding one-itis...

[Santos]

So as some of you may know I've met this girl, she's great. She has a BF, and is confused as to who she wants.

I have gotten to know this girl more intimately than any girl before in my life. She has actually made me more aware of what I want in a woman. Ok, she has a good body (she's a swimmer) and she's pretty. But she's not beautiful. I'd say a 6.5 on looks. Guess what?

My rating of her shot up to an 8 as soon as I started talking to her. She's really intelligent and can talk to me about all the stuff I'm interested in, we talk for hours. She's creative, I've always admired people who can write well. She wrote this really beautiful poem the other day. It's awsome how a personality can shoot up someones "rating", I never thought this was possible before. (How shallow was I! )

After our first date, I was like "I'm not really sure about her." But once I got to know her I knew I could be with this woman. Now I might be LJBF'd depending on if she still wants her BF. I actually felt like crying at the thought of "losing" her (AFC). Dreaded ONE-ITIS.

It's a different kind of one-itis, in that I KNOW she isn't the only one, but I just really want her.

So I got to thinking, what causes one-itis? EVERY woman you meet will be different in both looks and personality. They will have different tastes, hobbies, and opinions. I guess the thought that I will NEVER meet another woman EXACTLY the same as her isn't very nice.

She IS special, and unique. But then what I realised is although she's unique - she has TRAITS that a lot of women have. She can write, which I love. But it's not actually the writing I like, it's that she's CREATIVE.

Then I got to thinking how I've always liked the idea of dating a singer/artist/sculptor/writer.

Also, I will never meet a woman that knows the same stuff she knows. But it's not WHAT she knows that attracts me to her, it's just that she's INTELLIGENT and has a wide general knowledge.

So in order to help me get rid of the one-itis feelings, I write down what TRAITS she has that I like (and these are me being totally honest):

- Creative/artistic
- Intelligent
- Sense of humour
- Easy to talk to (People person)
- Great ass
- Great body
- Not fat

Then I realised that, although she is a great person. Being upset about "losing" her makes as much sense as if I walk up to a girl with a nice pair of tits and say "Can I have your number?", then she replies "Piss off you freak!" and I go home and cry about it because I will never find another girl with great tits again! LOL!

Because just as everyone's body is unique, so is their personality.
I have always thought about who I thought the sexiest "famous" woman in the world was. But I always change my mind, why? Cos' they all have something appealing about them.

The fact is I can easily find another woman with those traits I listed, maybe not all of them. But then again she might have traits my one-itis does not. So if you're suffering from one-itis, make a list like I did. A list of TRAITS you like in your one-itis. Don't be too specific (e.g. blonde, 5 foot 2, blue eyes, freckle on left cheek ).

You will soon realise that, although your oneitis is great. She actually has traits that PLENTY of other woman will share, in their own unique way!

Well I hope this helps someone out there. All I know is this idea helped me feel A LOT better.

Regards
Santos

 

[stormwriter]

Wow, Santos, that was very well written. I agree with you. I get one-itis very badly. The last case of it was with a girl that had a Playboy-quality body. Well, i could be optimistic and HOPE i get a girl with a body that nice, but it won't happen... haha. This chick's body was sensational.

I heard Doc Love say that "Rejection doubles your Interest Level temporarily" and i think he's right.
Doesn't it seem the cases of one-itis are for chicks that have dumped us, or that are unattainable?

I never hear anyone here talking about one-itis with a cool girl they are in a committed relationship with. haha.

That's great that you are experiencing more attraction with someone as you get to know them. So, i wish you the best in finding someone that eclipses your last one-itis, Santos.

 

[OpenMind]

"Being upset about "losing" her makes as much sense as if I
walk up to a girl with a nice pair of tits and say "Can I have your
number?", then she replies "Piss off you freak!" and I go home
and cry about it because I will never find another girl with great
tits again! LOL!"

The major problem with "Oneitis" is the fact that you think you "HAVE" her, when in reality you don't. You can't "lose" what you don't have.

 

[Mr_Pink]

Here's your problem, you're posting on these boards. Most everyone here is simply concerned with getting as much ass as possible. I doubt many people care about a meaningful relationship, they want ass. This "one-itis" is an attraction. I post here about my problems, and get branded as an AFC and having oneitis. It's not a problem, you're just asking the wrong people...

 

[mystik]

this really helps me actually

in a month i will have to break up with my girlfriend whom i had a flawless relationship with for a year because of college (im on the East she's on the West coast)... we believe we love each other but my dj knowledge tells me its all bull****.
My heart and head are splitting in two different ways

 

[becker]

Originally posted by Santos
So as some of you may know I've met this girl, she's great. She has a BF, and is confused as to who she wants.

I have gotten to know this girl more intimately than any girl before in my life. She has actually made me more aware of what I want in a woman. Ok, she has a good body (she's a swimmer) and she's pretty. But she's not beautiful. I'd say a 6.5 on looks. Guess what?

My rating of her shot up to an 8 as soon as I started talking to her. She's really intelligent and can talk to me about all the stuff I'm interested in, we talk for hours. She's creative, I've always admired people who can write well. She wrote this really beautiful poem the other day. It's awsome how a personality can shoot up someones "rating", I never thought this was possible before. (How shallow was I! )

After our first date, I was like "I'm not really sure about her." But once I got to know her I knew I could be with this woman. Now I might be LJBF'd depending on if she still wants her BF. I actually felt like crying at the thought of "losing" her (AFC). Dreaded ONE-ITIS.

It's a different kind of one-itis, in that I KNOW she isn't the only one, but I just really want her.

So I got to thinking, what causes one-itis? EVERY woman you meet will be different in both looks and personality. They will have different tastes, hobbies, and opinions. I guess the thought that I will NEVER meet another woman EXACTLY the same as her isn't very nice.

She IS special, and unique. But then what I realised is although she's unique - she has TRAITS that a lot of women have. She can write, which I love. But it's not actually the writing I like, it's that she's CREATIVE.

Then I got to thinking how I've always liked the idea of dating a singer/artist/sculptor/writer.

Also, I will never meet a woman that knows the same stuff she knows. But it's not WHAT she knows that attracts me to her, it's just that she's INTELLIGENT and has a wide general knowledge.

So in order to help me get rid of the one-itis feelings, I write down what TRAITS she has that I like (and these are me being totally honest):

- Creative/artistic
- Intelligent
- Sense of humour
- Easy to talk to (People person)
- Great ass
- Great body
- Not fat

Then I realised that, although she is a great person. Being upset about "losing" her makes as much sense as if I walk up to a girl with a nice pair of tits and say "Can I have your number?", then she replies "Piss off you freak!" and I go home and cry about it because I will never find another girl with great tits again! LOL!

Because just as everyone's body is unique, so is their personality.
I have always thought about who I thought the sexiest "famous" woman in the world was. But I always change my mind, why? Cos' they all have something appealing about them.

The fact is I can easily find another woman with those traits I listed, maybe not all of them. But then again she might have traits my one-itis does not. So if you're suffering from one-itis, make a list like I did. A list of TRAITS you like in your one-itis. Don't be too specific (e.g. blonde, 5 foot 2, blue eyes, freckle on left cheek ).

You will soon realise that, although your oneitis is great. She actually has traits that PLENTY of other woman will share, in their own unique way!

Well I hope this helps someone out there. All I know is this idea helped me feel A LOT better.

Regards
Santos

Very true, but I believe the problem boils down to the fact that we don't always want to look for something after we've already found it. Example, if you lose your watch, and are searching all over for it and finally find it, what's going to motivate you to lose the watch on purpose just so you can look for it again?

 

[Jay26]

I don't know dude, I'd hang onto her for dear life, where else are you going to find a chick that's a 6.5, can write poetry and loves to talk!!!!

You see how ridiculous one-itis is, it's nothing more than a lack of options, that's ALL this is.

It's like what Eddie Murphy said in Delirious, "If you give a starving man a soggy, molding cracker, it's gonna be the best damn cracker he'll ever have. Must've been a Ritz or something. DAMN! That was a good cracker!"."

You can substitute cracker for chick/sex/relationship whatever you want here. Point is, it's the same result, you can't really see how special any girl is without perspective and experience!

 

[Santos]

Yes, I think one-itis worsens when you get rejected by the woman. One thing I didn't post, but I did notice was that when I thought me and her were together, I felt good but not OVER THE MOON. But as soon as I think she's not interested I feel like the world is almost over.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

Originally posted by mystik
this really helps me actually

in a month i will have to break up with my girlfriend whom i had a flawless relationship with for a year because of college (im on the East she's on the West coast)... we believe we love each other but my dj knowledge tells me its all bull****.
My heart and head are splitting in two different ways

I agree with this DJ stuff, but you can only take it so far. If you really like/love this girl then why throw it away. It'll work if you want it to, that means you have to work at it.

 

[Deep Dish]

She IS special, and unique. But then what I realised is although she's unique - she has TRAITS that a lot of women have. She can write, which I love. But it's not actually the writing I like, it's that she's CREATIVE.

One thing which shocked me is there is nay a single trait I have ever seen in only one woman, even down to all those personality nuances which seem so unique to a woman. I once knew one woman who seemed so different, and all those little things that seemed so 'her', I've since seen in other women, traits I had believed true to only her. In reality, all we are is a sum of habits; a buffet of traits, with our trays we stroll along and pick out all those little nuances we want, and when we get to the cashier, the tray is what becomes 'us'.

When people think unique, they seem to think unique in terms of nuances unique to only that person; "No one is just like me"; when in reality we're all picking from the same buffet. Now, point is, perhaps if a rare combination of non-unique traits constitutes unique, one may have a case. It must be said that when a guy's not met many women, every woman seems unique to him; however as he meets many, the uniqueness evaporates, normally leading him on a quest to find a truly unique woman. In fact, 'rare' is a better word than unique. No one, even myself, is unique, however there are rare people.

 

[Aisle55]

One thing which shocked me is there is nay a single trait I have ever seen in only one woman, even down to all those personality nuances which seem so unique to a woman. I once knew one woman who seemed so different, and all those little things that seemed so 'her', I've since seen in other women, traits I had believed true to only her. In reality, all we are is a sum of habits; a buffet of traits, with our trays we stroll along and pick out all those little nuances we want, and when we get to the cashier, the tray is what becomes 'us'.

When people think unique, they seem to think unique in terms of nuances unique to only that person; "No one is just like me"; when in reality we're all picking from the same buffet. Now, point is, perhaps if a rare combination of non-unique traits constitutes unique, one may have a case. It must be said that when a guy's not met many women, every woman seems unique to him; however as he meets many, the uniqueness evaporates, normally leading him on a quest to find a truly unique woman. In fact, 'rare' is a better word than unique. No one, even myself, is unique, however there are rare people.

Deep Dish, that is very insightful!! Putting things in terms of a buffet! That's gold!!! I'd like to add that at a buffet, people only pick out what they want and sometimes pick things they haven't tried yet. And as we start trying out new things on our tray, we begin to gain an appreciation for the old and new things we choose. So we keep going back for these 'items/traits'. In the end, we are the sum of our habits. (We are what we eat?!) Eventually we'll find the right combination that comes close to perfectly suiting our tastes and still be comfortable knowing we had other options for satisfaction.

Since we're on the topic of one-itis, I think for the rookies out there, you must not stop meeting women. I took a break from this forum for over a month and the girls I've met in the last few weeks have started digging trenches in my head. Totally not good. But at least I was aware of it. The girl I was with tonite is pretty cool to hang out with but I can hear the AFC in my head already planning a life together with her. I know better than that and have to be consistent with meeting new women!!

Taking a break is good, but you gotta pick up where you left off. I'm glad I'm aware of these lingering faults, and now I've gotta work harder to completely rid myself of this thing called oneitis. I gotta remember that this 'buffet' is the same one each time I meet someone new. I can't let anyone put items on my plate for me and I gotta be real picky and go for only the traits I want .

 

[iqqi]

Santos, that was very well put. You are off in the right direction mentally!

BTW, Happy Birthday.

 

[LouieVaton Don]

one-itis aka clinginess issues. case closed.

 

[DjDreamer]

One-itis is wishful thinking mixed with reality...it's parallel thinking...it's being fascinated with the continuation of a relationship that has ended.

 

[Ronin I]

Originally posted by Deep Dish
No one, even myself, is unique, however there are rare people.

Wrong! Everyone is unique. Everyone is different from everybody else in SOME way.

Even identical twins (with the exact genetic makeup) can be very, very different people.

Santos - you seem to be starting to really understand where you've gone wrong in the past and how to avoid those same mistakes in the future. Now you just need to find the strength and determination to make it happen (as do I .