Trouble in a LTR

[Prototype_42]

Hey folks!
I'll try to keep things on point. Need some assistance from those that are more experienced than me.
Please bear with me as my story unfolds, it could be a bit long(er)....

First of:
I'm in a ltr with a nice girl that I really like (to me she's LTR material), we spent a lot of time together, have bonded, I make her laugh, I lead, I take my sexxxy time, she gives me sexxxy time, she has invested a LOT into me & this relationship, all in all we have quite the fun together. She was the one who chased me many months ago and I accepted her to bring her into my world.
In 2 months we're going on a vacation.

But these last weeks (actually 1 or 2) my ego has slipped. I've become weak, jealous, scrutinizing (which I've always have been - I don't trust. Yeah I guess I've some serious problems with trusting anybody. It's a harsh world out there & I try to stay on my toes - concerning not only women, that is.).
Thing is, she's become b!tchy/moody more and more and, like the person I'm, I've called on her BS and told her to control herself.

A few days ago she was at my place and read her Facebook messages, she got one from her best friend (a girl) where they discussed the news, which was the situation of how my Ex-girlfriend had contacted her (my LTR right now) a few weeks ago and told her that she'd love to meet/get to know her if we ever would visit my former hometown (which is ~400kilometers away from where I live now). I knew that, as we have an honest communication (as much as a woman can be honest ).
Now, she was at my place, like I said, and was messagiing with her best friend and I coincidentally glanced at the screen and saw how they gossiped about my Ex.
I kept cool and just asked what they were wrinting about.
She answered me:"just girl stuff" I asked her again "Nothing important, just girlstuff". I was like, "Ooookay. Right.".
Half an hour later I logged in on her account and checked her message mails and read it. She came in and saw that I was logged in her account and read her messages.
Rightly so, she was pissed. I felt bad, a little. Yet I apologized.
She said, the day was gone bad now and that she'd want to leave. I said, "sure, go, it's okay with me."

We arranged to meet on the next evening after her jiu jitsu training, which usually ends at 22h30. She needs half an hour to 45minutes from the dojo to my place.
Shortly before 12pm, she still wasn't at my place.
I gave her a call, she picked up and told me that she was on her way, one of the Dudes she's training with was driving her and they drove a few others first and she forgot the time and blah blah.
I told her that this was the 3rd time she forgot the time and didn't give me a call which she better do if it appears that she's gonna be late (the other two times were something else, #1 & #2 were meet-up for lunch and something else I forgot).
I told her that, she was not welcome at my place tonight, that she should go to her place. I don't like it when people come late/flake like that. And she knows that.
She called me back ~5 minutes later and asked me again if I was sure about not wanting her at my place that night. I said yes, I am, of course.

That night we discussed and argued a lot through the phone communication (major weak point by my part, I know!). I lost my cool, acted weak. AFC-style.
I see myself tripping over my own feet, I see myself becoming needy and clingy, as I get pissed over minor stuff like that or her having fun without me.

Now I feel that she's losing interest in me (of course I could be over-thinking/over-reacting/over-scrutinzing - but my mind plays tricks on me. My thoughts begin to lead me, not vice versa!)
But she sent me the sign of lower IL today....
"You're being unattractive for me when you're acting that way that you are right now."
This is where I should've negged her myself. But my wits were not with me at that hour.

Funny, but somehow her Ex boyfriend has contacted her yesterday (He was her "real love" long before me. We do not live in the US, but he does and has a fianceé as far as I know.) They (my girl & him) are seperate for I don't know how many years...3, maybe 4?
As if he reeked our Relationship trouble we have at the moment.
She contacted him a month ago, because that mans' mother died and she wished him condolences.
Anyways, I'm digressing:

He wrote something like this:
"Thanks XX, so you single or still engaged, have been thinking of you much lately, not sure if I am with the right person, you know what I mean. Well if you would like give me a call I would love to talk with you [his phone #].

XX"

Her answer was something like this:
"Hi XX, ya I´m still engaged.
-what makes u doubt? love is always an unkown path. .....---some more love wishy washy stuff------....In a relationship u will find deepness blah blah in time. but i guess i´m not the right person for talking about love blah blah----

thx 4 ur nr. I will think about it.

XX"

Yes I checked her mails again, this time without her knowing it. And yes we're engaged.



And now to why I need your help:



So can you wise & more experienced people please translate me her woman-ese gibberish?

How am I able to raise her IL again?

How can I get rid of my 'not able to trust' problem?

Why do I have the feeling that I'm losing the upper hand?

Please lend me your ears&eyes and give me some good tips.

An honest Thank You,
P42

ps: Pardon my english, I'm not a native speaker.

 

[dark god]

So can you wise & more experienced people please translate me her woman-ese gibberish? First off the guy with whom she doin jits with, is layin the ground work for a naked submisson match. Three times shes "lost track of time" while see was with him dont sound good my friend. Be warned.

How am I able to raise her IL again? Stop being a jealous prick. Plain and simple. A Alpha male is not worried if his woman will cheat, if she does then good riddence HER LOSS.

How can I get rid of my 'not able to trust' problem? self esteem..get some!

Why do I have the feeling that I'm losing the upper hand? Because ur low self esteem and jealousness is fueling her female ego fire and she knows it.If u have a problem with her talkin to her ex then tell her. If she objects well u see were u stand now dont'cha? And why the sam hell do u care if she talks sh*t about ur ex with her gal pal? Sounds to me that she may be jealous of her! use it to ur advantage.

 

[Bible_Belt]

We arranged to meet on the next evening after her jiu jitsu training, which usually ends at 22h30. She needs half an hour to 45minutes from the dojo to my place.
Shortly before 12pm, she still wasn't at my place.
I gave her a call, she picked up and told me that she was on her way, one of the Dudes she's training with was driving her and they drove a few others first and she forgot the time and blah blah.
I told her that this was the 3rd time she forgot the time and didn't give me a call which she better do if it appears that she's gonna be late (the other two times were something else, #1 & #2 were meet-up for lunch and something else I forgot).
I told her that, she was not welcome at my place tonight, that she should go to her place. I don't like it when people come late/flake like that. And she knows that.
She called me back ~5 minutes later and asked me again if I was sure about not wanting her at my place that night. I said yes, I am, of course.


Why do you think that guy who was driving decided to take her home last? I don't think that was an accident. When you said to not come to your place, she heard that as you dumping her. She called back to double-check that you were ok with her having sex with the other guy, and you said "yes."

That's what happened the other night. Your relationship is over. You blew it. Move on and be smarter next time with the next girl.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Prototype,
Take good heed of Dark God,it's darned good advice....look your self esteem is unrealistic,not just on the dating game.look at the self criticism of your English....Let me say you write better English than many of the native speakers on this forum....But look it really is bad manners to read other peoples mail....were I she,I would put you in a step over leg hold and wring your neck....I think it's a big deal that she forgave you,it shows on your part a singular lack of trust and a suspicious nature...Mum used to say "We only suspect in others,that which we have contemplated doing ourselves"....a small point,the telephone is a remarkably unsatisfactory medium to use for deeply personal conversations,to use it for arguments is the height of folly....person to person is the only way to go in such circumstances...Why? because 90% of communication is visual,much of it subliminal.

 

[Romjuan]

prototype, i disagree with the others, i do not believe she is cheating on you. your problem is a similar one that many others like myself experience when in a ltr. Do not show jealousy. part of this game is learning to control your emotions, which means to not be jealous. I think you over reacted big time by her being late to your house. There is probably better ways in handling that situation, like do whatever it was you were suppose to do without her. when she shows up at your place and asks why you didnt wait, you say non chalantly "i didnt feel like waiting around and wasting my day. thats why we were suppose to meet at 12." this keeps you with the upper hand. in all honesty you are losing this battle and her interest level is dipping. you need to do what all the vets here say, which is when she takes one step back, you take two back. however many times you call her, cut it in half. how ever many hours you spend with her a week, cut that in half. at the same time you need to use jealousy to peak that interest again as well. She seems a lil jealous with your ex, use that to your advantage. change your mentality to "your the man", your the sh!t. smile more around her, joke more around her. be that fun guy you were when you first got her. your happy,golucky, ****y attitude shows her that you are not affected by her and will want her to be by you.
good luck and keep us posted

 

[Prototype_42]

Dark gDd and Bible for the win.

She definitely asked if you were sure for her not to come over. I would bet my life savings she fooled around on you that night.

I think Dark God has a point, but still sure that she didn't fool around that night. We were on the phone arguing & discussing quite heated & impulsive.


And thanks for the words Romjuan.

 

[Kailex]

If she hasn't cheated by now, she is going to REALLY soon.
She's not going to break up with you until you become abusive, because she obviousy has stuck around even when you are being irrational.

Maybe I'll get flamed for this, but it's an interesting point I wanted to make.
If you two are engaged and apparently... she has no car... why aren't you picking her up at her jiu jitsu thing?

She's depending on other people to get to you and you're gonna tell her not to be late when she's not the one driving?

I just don't get it. Why did you suddenly become so jealous and insecure?
Something must have just switched it on for you. I know that if anyone I was in an LTR checked my messages online... that's it, GAME OVER.

And then you tell her not to go to your place... why? To prove what point?
You spent the whole night arguing with her anyway... couldn't you just do that at your place?

"You're being unattractive for me when you're acting that way that you are right now."

Well no kidding.
What do you expect? You don't trust her and YOU'RE ENGAGED.
I'm REALLY surprised she hasn't given you the ring back. Either she has no other options, YET, or this woman must REALLY love drama.

Expect her to swing branches REALLY soon.

Stop checking her damn messages. YOUR actions are driving HER AWAY.

 

[zekko]

I would advise you not to marry this girl. If you are having problems now, things aren't going to get any better when you get married, they're likely to get worse.

I agree the guy driving her around after jiu jitsu might be suspicious, but not all interactions between males and females end up with intercourse. Look at all the guys on this forum TRYING to get it done and failing utterly. I doubt if anything happened since the OP says they were arguing on the phone afterwards. Doesn't mean the guy's not working on her though.

 

[squirrels]

This is why using all the "Don Juan Moves" in the handbook will NOT get you the girl. As Tyler Durden says in Fight Club, "Sticking feathers up your arse does NOT make you a chicken!!"

Prototype, you're talking a lot about "negging" and "calling BS", but what I see here is what I'll call, "Don Juan MacGyvering". You're trying to build an airplane from a paperclip, a coat hangar, and some chewing gum.

Essentially, you're trying to put together a masculine self-image from a bunch of tactics you've read on Internet forums and magazines. This may work for pick-up artists and guys on the first couple of dates, but you've been close enough with this girl for long enough that she's beginning to see the holes in your self-image...and she doesn't like what she sees.

The reason it's "so hard" to maintain high IL and masculine confident behavior now is because you're NOT confident. You've just been PLAYING confident all this time. And now she knows it.

If you don't have a sincere confidence, all your games and tactics will only last until she gets a glimpse of the REAL you. After that, any "move" you try to pull, she will wonder if it's the REAL you or if you're just playing a role again. She's losing interest because she's seen enough to know that you're not being honest with her...and she doesn't know if you really ARE "the man I fell in love with", as they like to say.

So to answer your questions:

How am I able to raise her IL again?

You should give her something to be interested in. This isn't about her and her IL, this is about YOU. Why don't you feel like you deserve her? What's wrong with you? If something, then WORK on it. If nothing, then have some respect for yourself.

How can I get rid of my 'not able to trust' problem?

As I said above, it's not that you don't trust HER, it's that you don't trust YOURSELF to be able to hold down a good woman, and you PROJECT that onto her as the object of your affection.

If you keep projecting this, she is eventually going to figure, "Well, if I'm being damned for cheating when I'm NOT cheating, what's the difference if I DO cheat?"

If you don't trust HER, what are you DOING with her in the first place? Because it's YOU who you don't trust.

Why do I have the feeling that I'm losing the upper hand?

This has nothing to do with the "upper hand". The only battle to be fought is with your own inner demons.

 

[DavenJuan]

Squrrels is explaining the crux of your problem.
(i need to spread some reps first brother, but great advice!)

YOU..

i would pay close attention to what he is describing. the "FAKE it to you MAKE it" only applies for so long. Especially in an LTR.

Originally posted by Prototype 42
she sent me the sign of lower IL today....
"You're being unattractive for me when you're acting that way that you are right now."
This is where I should've negged her myself. But my wits were not with me at that hour.

if shes beginning to actually VERBALIZE the things she sees in you that are unattractive, believe me that she has felt this way for awhile.

My advice would be to FORGET trying to use "tactics" and start focusing on yourself. your confidence is shot and you can smell it a mile away.

 

[Prototype_42]

So I gotta stop being jealous, stop scrutinizing her and her actions, take her as she is.
Concentrate on myself, have fun with myself.

Jealousy = unattractive for her. That's what she told me.

I always had this problem.

I am/was always confident until I felt that warm gushy feeling.
I once told her that my heart is black and hard & that she's beginning to open it (Yeah, well, that's where I gave her the power, eh?)

I just want to be me. edit: I AM me.

Anyways, we just said were not going to meet for a while.

No Contact = a good choice to make?



And thanks gentlemen, that's a lot of foodd for thought.

 

[sodbuster]

Did SHE want to "take a break"? IF she did,that means you are DONE. she has some "**** riding" to do on the side and if she can't land him,you are the fallback guy.

 

[Zarky]

I've become weak, jealous, scrutinizing (which I've always have been - I don't trust. Yeah I guess I've some serious problems with trusting anybody. It's a harsh world out there & I try to stay on my toes - concerning not only women, that is.).

Keep in mind there's a difference between not trusting and being clingy. I don't trust a goddamn soul, especially any of the women I'm dating, but I don't whine about it and I don't constantly check up on them.

This is a problem that could easily be solved if you started dating other women in addition to this chick.

 

[jonwon]

Great points.

Work on yourself, that is a massive thing.

But also, I'm wondering if something this woman has done is attributing to your actions.

Sometimes men cant see the wood for the tree's, for example a worm has rooted in, he knows something is up but he cant quite put his finger on it, so he feels the problem is in his core.

What has this women done in the past, to make you so insecure, if anything.

I'm a jelouse guy with ---- the wrong girl.

 

[boomerick]

You requesting a "break" = you wanting some time to sort things out

Her requesting a "break" = her being done with you and wanting to screw around without having to deal with the confrontation and bad feelings associated with the actual act of breaking up.

If she were to "return" after your "mutually agreed upon(?)" "break" you better make sure she gets tested for STDs and also takes a pregnancy test.

Over and Out.