Tough One-- Ex LTR dating a friend--what to do?

[Jeffst1980]

Just wanted to run this one by the community:

Had a gf, dated nearly 3 years, she broke up with me as a bit of a pre-emptive strike (I had expressed desire to break up earlier). It was a great relief, and I don't regret it one bit.

Now she's dating a mutual friend--this apparently started about a week or two after we broke up with them sneaking around covertly. He's a nice guy that means no harm, and clearly she put him up to it, but my gut feeling is that I've been disrespected by being kept in the dark. To make matters worse, they've now started appearing at social gatherings I've hosted with our other mutual friends, despite the fact that I have not talked to my ex in months.

What's the Don Juan to do in such a situation? I'm being civil and respectful towards them, as I am towards everyone, and I realize that on some level they both are waiting for me to have some reaction (this probably goes for our other mutual friends, as well). How do I handle this? I'm not jealous at all and not that angry with either of them, but they're putting me in an awful position of either accepting the situation and continuing to let them mooche off my social life, or cutting ties with them and risk appearing as some kind of monster to our friends. I know by choosing the latter I run the risk of having the vindictive ex badmouth me as being immature and controlling to anyone that would listen.

Seriously, if my friend had the balls to ask me if he could have my sloppy seconds up front, I would've said "sure!" and there would be no issue. Why does everyone gots to go and create drama?!?!

 

[Daddy The Pimp]

Man let it go . She aint your girlfriend anymore .

She can do whatever she wants . And dont look in that point of view , that they are not respecting you . Fvck them man , live your own life .

Continue being social , get girls and thats the best revenge .

Tell her that she no longer affects you and that you dont give a sh1t about her .

The best way is live your own life and have fun .

 

[Jeffst1980]

Good call. Thanks, I needed that.
I guess I've always adhered to a "hands off" policy regarding friends of an ex...maybe it's not such a big deal?

 

[Mavrick]

You move on. She has! Don't worry about them. Worry about you.

Better yet...

Don't worry at all. Take care of what's important to you, and allow others to take care of what is important to them. You don't have to react. You don't have to do anything, but live your own life.

You didn't want her anyway, so how is she disrespecting you? She's doing what she thinks is the best thing for herself and since you didn't want her, you really have no right to even say anything.

The best thing you can do in this situation is move on and have a good life without her. Find someone you do like and has mutual feelings.

Or...

Don't find someone. It's whatever you want, and if they are bothering you, then it's time to change your attitude about the whole situation. It's time to look at the positives. Someone has taken her off your hands and made the breakup very easy for the both of you. She's probably on the rebound, and it's not going to last anyway.

Good luck, Bro!

 

[KontrollerX]

Personally I'd cut them off and take the hit in so doing.

I will not tolerate disrespect in any fashion.

However if you can stomach it you could play along and pretend you are cool with this scenario.

Odds are this chick is simply using your AFC friend as you suspect to hurt you and its not really a real relationship at all so if you act cool with it and just hook up with some other chicks she'll get even more pissed off that you are not reacting to her little scheme. :crackup:

Oh yeah and if she ever comes around and acts like she wants you back never ever give in to this. Not a boyfriend role, not a hookup, nothing.

Women who disrespect you and play little games trying to mess with your emotions are not even worth the effort it would take you to cvm on their face.

And your friend nice guy or not is a piece of sh!t.

If you keep him around and continue to talk to him just file him away under the people you can never trust file and just use him as an aquaintance type of friend you just occassionally bullsh!t with but nothing more. No letting him hang out at your place or borrow anything of yours or anything like that.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Thanks, guys...I agree with both sides of the argument, which makes it tough.

Moving on is no problem, as I have been dating hotter girls since we broke up. For me, the question is really how to handle disrespect. I actually broke up initially with the ex gf b/c of her constant passive aggressive putdowns of me, even in public. I had laughed it off for awhile b/c I was clearly the prize in the relationship and this made her insecure (I'm pretty successful in my field, and I was considered the more attractive one). Now I'm questioning my judgement--it probably would've been better to nip it in the bud rather than to be non-reactive in this case, and I'm worried that this applies to my handling of my AFC friend, too. He had told all my friends to keep it secret from me, since it began right after we broke up, and I do feel like that was disrespectful. But how do you get mad at an AFC? I really don't think I can. Is there a fine line between being non-reactive and being a pushover?

 

[KontrollerX]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/member.php?u=26746

Hey Jeff you should PM this guy and ask him to reply to your topic here.

He is probably the best poster here when it comes to teaching on matters of respect.

Even I'd be interested to see his reply to you here though I think it would be along the lines of what I personally would do in your situation ie simply cut them off but then again you never know with Latinoman, he could offer added wisdom about all this so if you want click on my link that I gave and PM him for his response here if ya want.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Unless you want to be a part of a ménage à trois with them, you shouldn't have any concern with what they are doing. Pay attention to your own life and don't let the actions of others dictate your state of being.

 

[DonJuan11]

Just wanted to run this one by the community:

Had a gf, dated nearly 3 years, she broke up with me as a bit of a pre-emptive strike (I had expressed desire to break up earlier). It was a great relief, and I don't regret it one bit.

Now she's dating a mutual friend--this apparently started about a week or two after we broke up with them sneaking around covertly. He's a nice guy that means no harm, and clearly she put him up to it, but my gut feeling is that I've been disrespected by being kept in the dark.

Why do you think it is any of your business? I wouldn't tell you either

To make matters worse, they've now started appearing at social gatherings I've hosted with our other mutual friends, despite the fact that I have not talked to my ex in months.

OK

How do I handle this? I'm not jealous at all and not that angry with either of them, but they're putting me in an awful position of either accepting the situation and continuing to let them mooche off my social life, or cutting ties with them and risk appearing as some kind of monster to our friends.

I don't understand. If you invite them out, they will come. If you don't invite them, they will not come. Doesn't sound like they have done anything wrong.


I know by choosing the latter I run the risk of having the vindictive ex badmouth me as being immature and controlling to anyone that would listen.

That's her issue, not yours. But by cutting them off it does sound like you can't handle your ex dating someone else.

Seriously, if my friend had the balls to ask me if he could have my sloppy seconds up front, I would've said "sure!" and there would be no issue. Why does everyone gots to go and create drama?!?!

Again, why does he need your approval? Are you her dad or bother? If you know about it and he breaks with her, you will call him on it "See, I told you she was no good, always listen to me." If you know about it and he doesn't break up with her, it's going to agitate you to no end.

I'm with them on this one, ignorance is bliss.