Too needy vs not showing enough care

[illmatic1005]

ok..my gf and i have been going out for about 2 months..the only problem is that i try to act like a care for her a lot(which i do) but at the same time not try to act AFC, when i do that she thinks i dont like her or care for her

My question is, How can you show enough care/desire/support/love, etc for your girlfriend without appearing too needy, desperate, AFC-sih, etc?

 

[KontrollerX]

You know the way of the DJ.

Now it is safe for you to trust your inner gut instinct feeling that will guide you on what will work with her.

For example you should no longer need to ask the forum a question like "Should I call her 12 times in a day or not would I appear too needy?" as your gut instinct mixed with the internalized DJ knowledge will now give you a feeling for this girl of what is right in your situation with her.

It will give you the feeling of what will work out of all that you've learned.

Before when you were an AFC and went with your feelings you may of fell flat on your face with chicks many a time but that was because you lacked the knowledge and couldn't trust yourself to act on your feelings but now with the DJ knowledge you should have a firm grasp on your feelings and know what is right in each situation with this girl by the feeling you get.

Like say you ask yourself now..."Oh gee should I call her?"

Stop and ask yourself..."Do I feel this will work with her?"

If your gut instinct gives you the feeling of "Yes she will love it" go ahead and give her a call.

If it gives you an ominous feeling as though you will come off as too needy listen to it and don't call.

The gut instinct never ever lies.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-xp0LewhI8

I think it's important to look at the roots of the terms "Jerk" and "Nice Guy." Lets not forget these characterizations exist because women gave them these names and classificatons based on their own common evaluations. Women defined these terms, guys simply made the association with them. We tend to see these as parodies now; abusive wife-beating Jerk or doormat Nice Guy. These are two extreme ends of the spectrum and when considering them, and particularly after candid assessments like in this video, the mistake becomes falling into a binary all-or-nothing interpretation.

"So I haffta be more of a Jerk then,..well, I'm just not like that." says the AFC frustrated that women can't just say what they mean and mean what they say, but this misses the point. The problem is that if you think of a center point between the Jerk and Nice Guy spectrum, most guys lean towards (if not half way over to) the Nice Guy. That's the "get in touch with your feminine side, believe women's words instead of actions" default for the vast majority of men. This is what women are used to because it is so common, and women only enourage it because it suits their gender's imperative best. The real extreme Jerk is as rare as the real extreme Nice Guy, so it's necessary to look at things in order of degrees in this respect. Most men opt for the nice, accommodating, supplicating side of this spectrum - for the majority, they've been conditioned to supress any masculine impulse in favor of accommodating and identifying with women's imperatives (or at least what they understand as their imperatives).

It's just this conditioning over the last 50 or so years that makes the nice side of the spectrum the default. That doesn't mean all Nice Guys are pathetic symps without a spine and groveling at the feet of any ONEitis they happen to attach themselves to. It is to say that, by comparison, because the overwhelming tendency to "go nice" is the standard, the guy who leans to the Jerk side of the spectrum becomes wildly attractive. He's attractive on two levels, the first being the rudimentary, biological level for a guy who's decisive, in control, confident and has an attitude of not caring since he realizes (to some degree) his value as a commodity that comes from his having options. The second is that the Jerk-leaning guy is a Purple Cow in a field of bland colorless Nice Cows. He's notable, and this too makes him a male worthy of female competition, which then reinforces his sense of having options. He's not an abuser, he's not a manipulator per se, but he tends to put himself before and above (if just slightly) the women who are attracted to him.

Now the irony of all this is that the AFC thinks that this situation is in reverse. He believes that Nice Guys are the anomally in a sea of Jerks. Of course he believes this because it's all his female-friends talk about; their Jerk BFs, and how Nice they are for being good listeners. So his self-image gets validated and he believes he's "not-like-other-guys" and his patience and sensitivity will eventually pay off - which it very well could once the object of his obsession has had her fun with the Bad Boy.

 

[illmatic1005]

best advice

 

[Epic]

You still haven't pulled your mind out of the matrix and that's your problem. When Neo finally accepted the truth and nature of the world around him he was unaffected by it. You're still not seeing her as just another person. Do you try not to be too needy or uncaring in your platonic relationships? Of course not. You don't have to be around or do things for your friends all the time. When your friends get out of line you call them on it. It does not have to take months to accept this mindset, you just have to believe. RELAX, and let existence happen. If you want to do something nice or romantic for her then do it. If you have the right mindset you won't be able to over do it because over doing it is a sign of attachment. AFCness is an attachment addiction. Get the right mindset and you won't have to think about what side of the spectrum your on.

 

[Interceptor]

Being 'needy' comes from needing valdiation, acceptance, approval, and reassurance, and constant attention from a female.

This is not a place we as mature, masculine Men want to be.

Look at ALL your interactions, esspecailly those of the romantic kind with females as you not needing to "get" anything from her, and not needing to 'take' anything from her.

Enjoy being with a woman, because as a Man, you simply enjoy being in the company of Women, not needing their approval of you, or constant attention.

When you have an abundance of confidence, self esteem, and a healthy lifestyle of your choosing , you will not need a woman to like you or validate you.
Hence, you let go of being needy or clingy in any way.


Ultimately if you are happy with yourself, and happy in your life, then obsessnig about what a woman thinks about an action you took, will not be of much importance to you. You simply won't 'obsess'.

Some peoplehave said a "Relationship is a bad place to get things from".

This mean, if you are independant, and self assured, you don't look at a relationship as a place to only 'get things from.
You can GIVE freely from your resources, and your partner is so caring, and appreciative of you,that she GIVES to you because she WANTS to, not becasse she feels guilty to do so.

Makes sense?

As far as actual behavior, well there are certain things like smiling too much, or trying to be TOO accomodating, or being too "nice", or placing her desires over yours ALL the time, or always giving her exactly waht she wants ALL the time, and just generally lower value body language and thinking.

A woman does not want to feel like she's your mother.
Or you have no life outside of her and your interactions with her.

I think the NUMBER ONE thing that will help most Males solve the undelrying problems like these are to really FOCUS on your Goals, and your Mission in Life.
You must have goals, and ambition.
If you don't , your relationships will fail 100% of the time. And you will eventualy regress into AFC behavior, and supress Masculine behavior.
Whenever you get fulfillment, and validation orom the hobbies, goals, interests, pursuits, and careers you choose, you are less NEEDY of it from Women.

When you achieve MORE and MORE Goals, you build up MORE and MORE SELF ESTEEM.

More Self Esteem, means more confidence.

Eventually, you are in a place where your life is positve, fulfilling, and has a purpose and meaning.
You won't ACT NEEDY , because you CANNOT BE NEEDY anymore.
Focus on your goals, and keep your masculinity as you focus on your mission in life.

 

[ready123]

I agree with almost all the responses.

but here's a trick - make fun of yourself for caring so much

once in a while jokingly say something like, I hate you, you make me care about you so much I feel like a pvssy

use a little more tact though and make sure you understand the frame. one difference between an AFC and a guy w/ game is that the AFC conveys no self-awareness he has lesser value behaviors. somebody w/ game on the otherhand can laugh at himself and regain his value

 

[The Deacon]

Good question...

The only way I can explain this sort of situation to you is to trust your gut. I would suggest courtship behavior to keep a girlfriend satisfied (like, taking her out, writing her poetry, doing all that romantic crap you see in the movies), but if she's not attracted to you then you'll probably get screwed over in the end. The best way to maintain a relationship is to call her/text her once a day, but ask how she's doin and don't call more than 3 times a day so you don't look needy. If she thinks your life revolves around her existence, she's going to do one of three things:

1. Run for the hills.
2. Lie to you and say "I just don't want a relationship right now."
3. (WORST CASE SCENARIO) She's just as needy as you and you both will try in vain to validate each others meaningless existence for a long-term relationship only to realize in the end that neither of you trust each other and you both end up miserable to the point of suicide. Yes, this happened to a close friend of mine.

Hope that helps, good luck.

 

[Andromax]

As far as actual behavior, well there are certain things like smiling too much.

I have read that from so many people. So I believe it to be true, atleast somewhat. I'm a pretty happy person and smile alot because I am usually always happy.

If you could clarify what you mean by this, I would really appreciate it because I've had woman and girlfriends tell me that they absolutely love and adore that I am always in a good mood/spirits.

Dont get me wrong I get pissed off about stupid sh1t just like the next guy and I tell people when they are f***ing up, but I smile Alot.