Disclaimer: This is a long, long read. It's all about me and the problems I'm facing right now. It's mostly not about girls (small part is), but rather about the problems of life. Please don't give me a TL;DR, if you don't feel like reading it, don't. I'm not forcing you. I've been lurking here for years and I'm under the impression that the Mature Man forum is the place for this because this is what it's all about... growing up and maturing.
I'm only 23 but I feel years older with all these thoughts in my head. I german/french (both nationalities) and I'm currently working on my diploma thesis there.
Dear SoSuave,
I'm writing this mainly to clear out my mind. I'm on a seven 12-hours-shifts run at DESY (synchrotron radiation source in Germany) for my diploma thesis, it's kind of interesting and exciting, but exhausting. I come home to my hostel after 14 hours and I get into this state where I'm exhausted, yet not tired, the state in which nothing can really phase me and where I can think straight.
Ever since my mom passed away last October, followed by my girlfriend leaving me three weeks later for those reasons a 20-year-old will do this in that situation, followed by my so-called best friend completely backstabbing me with her, things have changed.
People are telling me I've aged (yes, obviously I have... haha). I've been thinking a great deal about myself, reflecting a lot and adjusting.
There are things I have changed and a lot of things I still want to change. About the way I am, the way I act and the way I want to be, the man I want to be. This is not about the girls, they are a part of it but ultimately I see my success with them, or lack thereof, merely as a meter for my current well-being, and even here, I strongly suspect I'm just reading this meter wrong (this is the physicist in me talking).
Some very important things I have learned:
- trust no one but your blood, if you get along with them. Few of them will truly try to backstab you, but for anything past granddad, grandma and uncle and aunt, be careful.
- incidentally, everyone else will let go of you come the right occasion
- an exception to this is if you truly have found someone to call your friend (think real life, not facebook), which I know full well I haven't but have been wrong about quite a few times. See above.
- I have learned to listen to what *I* want more, that I need and want time to myself and shouldn't feel ashamed of it
My most important problems right now are these points. And here I want to stress that I consider these to be the key to my happiness, and that achieving them is my greatest goal although I have little clue how to really get there:
1) My upbringing was loving, but difficult and sometimes harsh. My dad is quite old, he's now 83, or 60 years older than I am. He is the most loving father there is and would give both his arms for his children if he needed to. He was also not the best at showing this. He always, always feared for our safety, which in my case resulted in me being a very careful, sometimes overcautious and downright fearful person. I hesitate a lot before difficult choices, which stems from the fact that he often presented trivial problems as very difficult and dangerous. Now I can see that he was simply a) afraid of anything happening to us and b) was looking onto these problems with the eyes of someone who's been in a world war and heaps of other crap and has amassed as much life experience (through his work and travels) as any ten other guys (and here I am not boasting, or kidding).
A second point is that I could never or very rarely do things right for him. And there was no creativity. He had, in his many years, found "his" best way of doing things and as long as he could impose it on us, made us do it his way. When I had ideas or simply hasted ahead in youthful ways, full of energy to try out my ideas, I was harshly called back and made to do as "the proper way" dictated. This has resulted in me being, as I see it, lacking creativity and afraid to try new things or do things in a different way than "the generally accepted" way.
2) As a result I generally assume that if something goes wrong, I'm at fault. This has been amplified by the many articles of the seduction community and sosuave, where the ways of the alpha male are preached and it is generally considered your fault if the woman bails in any way, or life doesn't go the way you wanted it.
I'm talking to people and I feel left out, or ignored, or as if the conversation isn't moving, or dull, you name it, I assume I'm not interesting/joyful/you name it enough. It just doesn't occur to me the other person might be any of those, maybe socially inept or such things, or that not everyone is meant to get along with everyone else.
You guessed it, if I talk to a girl and she isn't immediately very interested, I blame myself for not being some kind of mythical alpha male.
3) I have major trouble standing up for myself. This has gotten somehow better, but still. I'm too busy blaming myself or assuming I'm at fault to think straight and end the situation with one swift move or sentence. I admire people (men, mostly) who when faced with a ****ty situation, swiftly make one power move to solve it, whether they are at fault or not. And example for this (randomly popping into my mind because I witnessed it today) is the abuse you have to take from DHL when they want to deliver your parcel at impossible hours. A guy working here raised his voice ever so slightly at the DHL guy over the phone and told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't care how they did it, but he'd be at home starting from 7pm today and that was it. When they started to blabber something at the other end, he hung up.
I'm generally too nice to do this. A side-effect is that I am too eager to please people. My brain probably sees it as the fastest way of gaining acceptance, when in all probability it's the fastest way to lower your status in the group. Being a helpful person is great, but I believe I have to work to set limits.
4) Women. As I said I mostly use my success(ess) with them (where success is entirely a matter of definition, as Pook told us) as a meter for my well-being. Here I have an internal conflict.
As stated above, when a girl I talk to isn't immediately interested, I put the blame on myself, thinking I'm not alpha enough for her to be interested in me. It doesn't occur to me that this just doesn't always work out. Furthermore, I have trouble defining what I want. A steady relationship has its perks, but mostly I feel like boning lots of different girls. I guess this is because I'm 23 and my hormones are talking to me in a loud fashion.
When I end up with a lay (happens once in a while, 4 times since my girl broke up with me), these last times my goal was to let it develop into a FB situation, which was somehow thwarted everytime by the girl stating she doesn't want a steady relationship. Ok, most of these were 20 years old, which brings about the whole immature discussion. Again, I blame myself for not being "attractive" enough.
I'm only 23 but I feel years older with all these thoughts in my head. I german/french (both nationalities) and I'm currently working on my diploma thesis there.
Dear SoSuave,
I'm writing this mainly to clear out my mind. I'm on a seven 12-hours-shifts run at DESY (synchrotron radiation source in Germany) for my diploma thesis, it's kind of interesting and exciting, but exhausting. I come home to my hostel after 14 hours and I get into this state where I'm exhausted, yet not tired, the state in which nothing can really phase me and where I can think straight.
Ever since my mom passed away last October, followed by my girlfriend leaving me three weeks later for those reasons a 20-year-old will do this in that situation, followed by my so-called best friend completely backstabbing me with her, things have changed.
People are telling me I've aged (yes, obviously I have... haha). I've been thinking a great deal about myself, reflecting a lot and adjusting.
There are things I have changed and a lot of things I still want to change. About the way I am, the way I act and the way I want to be, the man I want to be. This is not about the girls, they are a part of it but ultimately I see my success with them, or lack thereof, merely as a meter for my current well-being, and even here, I strongly suspect I'm just reading this meter wrong (this is the physicist in me talking).
Some very important things I have learned:
- trust no one but your blood, if you get along with them. Few of them will truly try to backstab you, but for anything past granddad, grandma and uncle and aunt, be careful.
- incidentally, everyone else will let go of you come the right occasion
- an exception to this is if you truly have found someone to call your friend (think real life, not facebook), which I know full well I haven't but have been wrong about quite a few times. See above.
- I have learned to listen to what *I* want more, that I need and want time to myself and shouldn't feel ashamed of it
My most important problems right now are these points. And here I want to stress that I consider these to be the key to my happiness, and that achieving them is my greatest goal although I have little clue how to really get there:
1) My upbringing was loving, but difficult and sometimes harsh. My dad is quite old, he's now 83, or 60 years older than I am. He is the most loving father there is and would give both his arms for his children if he needed to. He was also not the best at showing this. He always, always feared for our safety, which in my case resulted in me being a very careful, sometimes overcautious and downright fearful person. I hesitate a lot before difficult choices, which stems from the fact that he often presented trivial problems as very difficult and dangerous. Now I can see that he was simply a) afraid of anything happening to us and b) was looking onto these problems with the eyes of someone who's been in a world war and heaps of other crap and has amassed as much life experience (through his work and travels) as any ten other guys (and here I am not boasting, or kidding).
A second point is that I could never or very rarely do things right for him. And there was no creativity. He had, in his many years, found "his" best way of doing things and as long as he could impose it on us, made us do it his way. When I had ideas or simply hasted ahead in youthful ways, full of energy to try out my ideas, I was harshly called back and made to do as "the proper way" dictated. This has resulted in me being, as I see it, lacking creativity and afraid to try new things or do things in a different way than "the generally accepted" way.
2) As a result I generally assume that if something goes wrong, I'm at fault. This has been amplified by the many articles of the seduction community and sosuave, where the ways of the alpha male are preached and it is generally considered your fault if the woman bails in any way, or life doesn't go the way you wanted it.
I'm talking to people and I feel left out, or ignored, or as if the conversation isn't moving, or dull, you name it, I assume I'm not interesting/joyful/you name it enough. It just doesn't occur to me the other person might be any of those, maybe socially inept or such things, or that not everyone is meant to get along with everyone else.
You guessed it, if I talk to a girl and she isn't immediately very interested, I blame myself for not being some kind of mythical alpha male.
3) I have major trouble standing up for myself. This has gotten somehow better, but still. I'm too busy blaming myself or assuming I'm at fault to think straight and end the situation with one swift move or sentence. I admire people (men, mostly) who when faced with a ****ty situation, swiftly make one power move to solve it, whether they are at fault or not. And example for this (randomly popping into my mind because I witnessed it today) is the abuse you have to take from DHL when they want to deliver your parcel at impossible hours. A guy working here raised his voice ever so slightly at the DHL guy over the phone and told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't care how they did it, but he'd be at home starting from 7pm today and that was it. When they started to blabber something at the other end, he hung up.
I'm generally too nice to do this. A side-effect is that I am too eager to please people. My brain probably sees it as the fastest way of gaining acceptance, when in all probability it's the fastest way to lower your status in the group. Being a helpful person is great, but I believe I have to work to set limits.
4) Women. As I said I mostly use my success(ess) with them (where success is entirely a matter of definition, as Pook told us) as a meter for my well-being. Here I have an internal conflict.
As stated above, when a girl I talk to isn't immediately interested, I put the blame on myself, thinking I'm not alpha enough for her to be interested in me. It doesn't occur to me that this just doesn't always work out. Furthermore, I have trouble defining what I want. A steady relationship has its perks, but mostly I feel like boning lots of different girls. I guess this is because I'm 23 and my hormones are talking to me in a loud fashion.
When I end up with a lay (happens once in a while, 4 times since my girl broke up with me), these last times my goal was to let it develop into a FB situation, which was somehow thwarted everytime by the girl stating she doesn't want a steady relationship. Ok, most of these were 20 years old, which brings about the whole immature discussion. Again, I blame myself for not being "attractive" enough.
