The unmentionable?

[PeterPiper]

(I'm posting this on the mature men's board because I'm an older guy too, and would like to hear your opinions -- moderators can move this somewhere else if they want)

OK so we all know how when a woman asks you “does my butt look fat?” even if we say no, we’ve still lost points. A woman’s physical appearance seems to be such an unmentionable thing, and this seems so unfair, as if regular ethics just don’t function in a relationship. Let me give some examples:

1. A woman approaches a man in a bar and starts flirting, eventually asking the man out on a date. The man can say “I’m sorry, I’m not really interested, but thank you” if he doesn't find the woman attractive. No moral problem here.

2. A woman opens up to an old friend and confesses that she has romantic sexual feelings for him. If he's not attracted to her, he can say “I’m sorry, you’re a good friend, but I don’t feel that way about you.” No moral problem here either.

3. A man starts dating someone and they are both really attracted to each other (sex is amazing). However, after some time he decides that she is not the right kind of person for him, because there are things about her personality which really piss him off all the time, and he doesn’t feel they are compatible, so he breaks up with her. No moral problem here either.

4. A man is in a long-term relationship with a woman, and she starts doing/saying some things which really piss him off. The guy secretly wishes she would change, or stop doing these things. They both sense a problem, so, being mature adults, they discuss the relationship, and are honest with each other. (It turns out he does things to piss her off too.) So they agree to try and work on these things, and the relationship gets better. No problem here.

5. A man starts dating a woman that he is not really attracted to physically, but she is a really great person and he loves being with her, so she is attractive for that reason. After a few months, the personality aspect of the relationship is great, they really click and she is amazing. However, he gradually get even less interested in her sexually. The guy secretly wishes she would hit the gym, lose the flab and seriously get in shape (like he is). HOWEVER HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO MENTION THIS or it will hurt her feelings. It seems women can spend hours in the gym, get plastic surgery etc. as long as it’s “for themselves” (anyone see “The Swan” on Fox?) but a guy is NEVER allowed to mention that he wishes she would do this in order to look hot for him. That makes him a male pig.

It seems we are allowed to talk about annoying personality issues in a relationship, and we are allowed to be affected by looks when we are first considering starting a relationship, but once it is up and running, all discussion of appearance is taboo. Why is this?

If only women existed who would do what sky writes:

"Changing our approach is so easy, it really is. When we join that exercise class at the gym, instead of whining about the effort and expecting to be praised, all we have to do is strip down and show them our behinds daily and say, “What do you think, is it getting smaller, is it getting tighter?” And they love it, and smile, and go hmmm, some, come over here, let me check closer. Then it becomes, for him, we work out, and then they’re more than happy to share it…they’ll check our progress with glee…and insist we take more classes, if they get to be part of it like THAT?"

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

If a wpman is getting fat without an effort to be fit then it is a man's duty to telll her to shape up! I have no problem telling a woman this.

Don't get serious with a lazy woman and/or a woman who eats alot!!

 

[WaterTiger]

You can't tell a woman she's getting too chubby? Just like women have to fake orgasms so the man doesn't feel bad right?

If you have a good relationship, and she knows you care about her then you CAN talk to her about it.

"Look Honey, we need to start eating healthier and getting toned up. You're too precious to me to loose you to breast cancer and diabeties. Let's have a salad for dinner and then go for a walk."

Using the "WE" thing softens the blow, and offering to join her on a walk will be a great way to spend healthy time with her. Offer to pay for a gym membership, or workout with her. It's better to catch her at 10 pounds over rather than 80 pounds later when you don't even want to kiss her.

Just explain that it's NOT rejection of HER, it's a change for a healthy life style so you can keep her with you LONGER. She'll like that idea!

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by WaterTiger
You can't tell a woman she's getting too chubby? Just like women have to fake orgasms so the man doesn't feel bad right?

Q: How does a real man know that his woman had an orgasm?

A: A real man doesn't care.

Originally posted by WaterTiger
If you have a good relationship, and she knows you care about her then you CAN talk to her about it.

"Look Honey, we need to start eating healthier and getting toned up. You're too precious to me to loose you to breast cancer and diabeties. Let's have a salad for dinner and then go for a walk."

What's with the "we" pale face? There is no "we" when her ass is full of lard and the man's isn't.

Originally posted by WaterTiger
Using the "WE" thing softens the blow,

Because as we all know women are scared little girls who can't face reality.

 

[WestCoaster]

It's simple, you work together

If you tell a woman she's too fat, goodbye relationship. One of my friends joked about this with his wife about being fat and it's still an issue. Women are bombarded with images of perfection every day.

Think about when people give you advice? You don't take it, it's condescending. WT is right, a relationship is about "we." And all you pseudo-macho dudes on this site might want to figure that out. It doesn't make you an AFC, it makes you compatible. If you're so uptight about this and feel you have to be commander in chief ... you're an AFC, period.

But really it's simple: You don't address who is fat and who is not (good guess is the man is also chubby). You say, let's join a gym and get in shape. We'll book these times each week to work out. Period. You just book the times to work out together.

Plus, working out together is a great way to build a relationship. You work on spotting each other with weights, comparing distances on aerobic machines, etc. Beats watching TV.

I'm a little older and going by my friends' experiences: Exactly 100 perent of them who told their wives/girlfriends they were fat either had failed or bad relationships. Yep, 100 percent.

With those numbers, it's probably best to change ones ways.

 

[Dark Nimbus]

Call me insensitive or just too honest, but when I see potential in a girl and I'd like to date her, but I think she's a bit overweight, I just tell her. No "we should eat salad" or "I don't want you dying from diabetes", it's HER problem and if she wants to be with me, she'll do something about it. In the process she'll become more confident and I'll be more likely to compliment her and desire her.

I've said this to a couple girls already and still had relationships with them afterwards or during the time it came up. There's way too many overweight girls out there today for me to be "nice" about it, especially since most of them want guys with 6 packs themselves and are just as picky about guys personalities OR looks. If the girl has IL in you, she'll be willing to do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

 

[maranathaman]

My humble opinion...

Never expect that somebody will change or get better.
If You are dating a fat-Gurl, it's unfair to her to expect that she will hit the gym and become a hottie for you or herself.
If you date somebody, it doesn't matter how much you like her personality or other things about her, if you are not satisfied with everything about her, then you either have to make peace with it in your own mind or move-on. Men hate-it when women try to change them right? So why is it any more fair for us to try to change them? If you are-not attracted to her, don't get romantic with her. What you see is what you get. Expect nothing else.

 

[Ricky]

Man this is a subject that hits close to home.

I have been dating my gf for 2.5 years. When I started dating her she was the first girl that had a few extra pounds that i ever dated. My friends had called me shallow for years with good reason.

It didn't bother me at first since she was only a bit overweight. Unfortunately I was out of town for a few months and during that time she packed on more weight!

She has been a member of 4 different gyms since I've known her. She'll start going but quit.

She has an affinity for expensive dinners and always orders desert.

Despite all of this, I still love her.

If she could lose some weight she'd be a knockout again.
It makes me mad sometimes because I have been a devoted workout fanatic for 10 years now but she doesn't have the same fire.

Yeah I'm not a member of the same gym as her, but I live 30 minutes away and love my gym. I dont' want to have to walk her by hand into the gym.

This is my #1 relationship problem right now! You know why? Because I know that although she's a sweet girl she could be so much more. More energetic, healthier and a better attitude if she would commit to working out again.

WHAT CAN I DO?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Ricky,

Wait until she gets married she'll be double the size - she is probably holding back on her food intake until marriage then there is no motivation to hold back. This is nothing compared to her weight after giving birth - alot of women never lose that weight expecially the lazy ones who hate to exercise!

She had 4 memberships to gyms because she is only 'signing up' to make you happy but she has no desire or drive to do it for herself! She knows what you think already so it will not be a shock to her if you mention it again. If she knows that you will stay with her regardless of her weight she'll NEVER care to lose it - especially once she is married!!!!!

You really can do nothing about it unless there is a threat to motivate her - the fact is that her motivation will only last as long as the threat!!

 

[FratAndDiddy]

yeah, it's hard to get anyone to "de-lard" themselves and no one likes to be nagged about it. saying it to their face is suicide.

yep ricky, just wait until youre married and she's dropped a couple of kids, but if you love her, just accept the fact and full steam ahead

 

[MrCode]

Oh come on now, why do we have to treat a woman like a little child because she is too lazy to eat right and do some exercise? "Poor wittle baby...she can't help but stuff her porky little face and sit on the couch all day watching Ricki Lake. Let me get her a nice box of chocolates to make her feel better about her chubby self." Uh uh. I don't think so.

I know in this ridiculous society it is all too easy to get fat and pretty damn hard to get in shape, but that doesn't mean overweight people deserve to get special treatment. Sorry, but they are not handicapped. They aren't disadvantaged. They are lazy. Obesity is such an epidemic in this country that they have to manufacture special ambulances and gurneys to carry morbidly obese people from their homes to the hospital. That is just insane.

But anyhow, I digress. If I'm with a women who starts to get excessively overweight, I will let her know, politely as possible. Keep in mind I don't mind some meat...I don't want a twig...but I don't want a pig either. I think sometimes being "PC" goes too far, and this is one of those cases. If someone can't take honest and constructive criticism, they have issues.