The "Spark"

[Puck508]

The "Spark"...which I know is very similar to attraction, but I'm going to use that word because it's what I heard recently from a woman.

I've been seeing this woman on and off for about 6 months now. Long story short, she has big time abandonment issues (Her father left her when she was younger, one of her LTR's passed away about 5 years ago, etc. etc.) and commitment issues. I can sympathize, but I still have to look out for me. So things go great for a while...we go out and have a blast together, stay home and cook dinner/watch a movie, etc. Talk quite a lot...pretty much like we're together. Then all of sudden, she says "I'm getting overwhelmed" or "This is too much right now" and will back off for a few weeks. After a few weeks, she comes back and wants to do things over again, saying "I feel emotionally attached to you" and "You mean a lot to me...I'm ready to be with you now" and so on. Even goes so far as to plan out stuff for the future.

Now, I've read a ton of Alpha Male stuff and used to frequent this site very often. I used to be a big time AFC, got smacked around a lot by women, and finally got myself out of that rut and turned the corner for the better. I stayed single for a while to gain my confidence back and be happy with myself. So, even with that said...I stupidly fell for this gals tricks and decided to give it another shot.....twice.

Anyway, I think I've pretty much been friend zoned at this point, or I think I have because a few days ago she said to me "I don't feel a spark between us". She said she doesn't know what she wants but is willing to see if a spark developes, but she doesn't feel it right now and expected to after this many months. I took that to mean that I wasn't physically attractive, but I'm curious to know what the experts here think the "Spark" actually is...how you get it, how you keep it.

I've heard, plenty of times (and have said it to people myself in this situation), to just move on. The thing is, I have quite a few obstacles against me. I'm turning 30 next year (not rushed, but I do want a family at some point), I travel 4 days a week for work and I'm out of shape/overweight. I'm dieting and working out to address the weight issue, but still have these obstacles in the mean time.....bottom line, "spin more plates" isn't a viable option for me at this point. I'm not settling for this girl either because of my situation...I genuinely care about her, so much so that I don't have the desire to sleep with other women. Maybe I'm just getting old...I don't know.

Anyway, my first question is...Do you think this gal is just "giving me chances" to prove myself, or is she not interested anymore...in other words, should I pursue it further. My second question is...What is the "Spark"...how do you get it, how do you keep it and, in my situation, how do I get it with her?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Puck

 

[bluenorther]

A woman will decide if she's into you, in under five minutes, if not five SECONDS. After that, she's only going to decide that she's NOT into you.

 

[Puck508]

So basically, since she was into me from the start, she still is...I just need to give her reasons to still be into me?

 

[Puck508]

Any other advice/opinions?

 

[5string]

Probably throwing this out prematurely as many do, but this reeks of BPD or some other personality disorder. Search the threads on here for BPD and see if what you are experiencing is the same as alot of other posters. "Push/Pull" is a major symtom of BPD as well as abandonment. If you believe she may be BPD after you research it and have learned the signs and symptoms, you should back up and reevaluate your relationship with her.

 

[loveshogun]

If you were happy being single, is why are you letting this girl's on-and-off behavior throw you off your rhythm so much?

If she wants you, she wants you, and she'll act accordingly.

If you're handling all of your business, and being the best version of yourself you can be at this time, then it will fall into place.

If you have to ask "is this woman doing ____ or ____," my suggestion is to find a woman who doesn't make you do that every week.

And about the stuff she's been through - if a plate falls from a shelf because of an earthquake, you can say "Well, of course the plate broke, there was an earthquake."

But, while you're justifying WHY something happened, don't forget that it still happened.

This woman seems damaged. I feel sorry for her, and it'll break your heart, but you can't fix her.

Case in point, I broke up with a girl in March that I'd been seeing for two months, and through the whole thing, I noticed a pattern of trust issues. I talked to her about it, and she had good reasons for them because of some really bad experiences - I'm talking trauma. But, even though she had her reasons for acting the way she did, it didn't change the fact that she acted out in a way that was hurtful to me - so I moved on.

You tried - learn whatever you need to learn from this situation, keep improving yourself, and move on.

***Addendum***

I just reread your entire post 3 times, and I'm going to write another post to address some of your other concerns. This post is still my main point for what to do right NOW.

 

[Iceberg]

The "Spark"...which I know is very similar to attraction, but I'm going to use that word because it's what I heard recently from a woman.
I've been seeing this woman on and off for about 6 months now. Long story short, she has big time abandonment issues (Her father left her when she was younger, one of her LTR's passed away about 5 years ago, etc. etc.) and commitment issues.

Just as an aside - or maybe it is tied to the main point - I hate seeing guys try to justify a woman's flaky/crappy behavior. "She has abandonment issues. She lost a loved one. Her last boyfriend cheated. She has trust issues."

Man, these are grown women we're talking about. Life is hard for all of us. You can't go holding onto your past, using it as an excuse for present stupidity. And most of all, if a woman finds a guy who excites her, then you just watch how quickly all these "issues" disappear.

I've heard, plenty of times (and have said it to people myself in this situation), to just move on. The thing is, I have quite a few obstacles against me. I'm turning 30 next year (not rushed, but I do want a family at some point),

Well if that's the case, then turning 30 isn't the obstacle. Staying with a woman who isn't passionate about you is the obstacle.

I travel 4 days a week for work and I'm out of shape/overweight. I'm dieting and working out to address the weight issue, but still have these obstacles in the mean time.....bottom line, "spin more plates" isn't a viable option for me at this point.

If you tell yourself that it's not a viable option for you, then you're right. It's not.

I'm not settling for this girl either because of my situation...I genuinely care about her

You say that you're not settling. But your actions indicate that you want to stay with this woman who is wishy-washy about being with you.

That is, in fact, settling.

Anyway, my first question is...Do you think this gal is just "giving me chances" to prove myself, or is she not interested anymore...in other words, should I pursue it further. My second question is...What is the "Spark"...how do you get it, how do you keep it and, in my situation, how do I get it with her?
ice.

No she's not giving you chances. And yes she isn't interested anymore. But like you, she seems to be too weak to cut ties and move on. I'd imagine that she'll either man-up and leave or she'll string you along until a better man comes and leave you for him.

Or hey, there's the best-case scenario of her doing neither of those things and just staying in this relationship where she's unhappy and you guys living a mediocre little life together as husband and wife.

In summary - there are a lot of issues couples can work through. But an overall feeling of boredom or disinterest isn't one of them. And this girl just seems to be completely uninterested in maintaining a relationship with you.

How do you get this "Spark"???

By becoming a man that women would be excited to date. And doing your best to STAY as that man. And no...that doesn't mean that you making sudden changes will help THIS relationship. This one is already in the gutter. But in future relationships, you never put yourself in the position of being lower than the woman. If she says she wants to leave, you let her leave. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But you can't let her control the frame of the relationship. It defies the very nature of male-female relationships...in pretty much every species of animal.

 

[Puck508]

Thanks for the responses. I kind of figured this was a lost cause...my mind wants to revert back to being an AFC, but I know what I need to do. I won't be like most and say "But but but I want her back", because although I do, I know it's not the right thing to do. My busy schedule and current situation has led me to oneitis, which sucks.

I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks again.