The girl I planned on marrying just cheated on me (I'm confused)(advice appreciated)

[arkskier]

We'd been together 3 years before she told me just last month that she kissed a guy in a party and is breaking up with me. What I don't understand is, in the years we've been together, she's been totally loyal to me. She's not the slutty type, she doesn't return the advances made by other men. She's a preschool teacher and has a good heart. She's very caring and she cooks for me when I miss her cooking. We talked about making a family together and growing old together. And then this happened.

The day she broke up with me, she said she hasn't loved me for a long time now and she really wanted to stay beause of what we've been
through. She said her feelings have changed, she doesn't feel the same way. And then she revealed that fact that she just kissed a guy in a party and cheated on me. The day after she told me this, she posts a picture of herself and the guy in facebook - both of them all smiles - as if to debut their new love. The very next day! How can someone so caring be so suddenly brash to me?

Honestly, how can one trust anyone in the world if one cannot judge people's future behavior based on their past acts? How do I even begin to live again? The world doesn't make sense, bras. This is serious. If I could, I'd swear off women entirely, but I'm not gay, so I don't have that option.

 

[HalfAddict]

People are going to tell you, NO CONTACT. It works too. You are going to have to get past this, her decision is made. The best thing you can do is not be devastated by this, you have got to get back on the path or you are going to end up depressed as **** fantasizing about what might have been. The short and now of it is she is over you and wants the greener pasture, she may find it to not be as green as she thought and come back to a sure thing (you). Don't be that sure thing for her, get your own life back together and work on getting awesome (also works). I had been up until recently in a major slump myself sir, I went back to the gym and back to getting awesome, I sometimes get approached by new people and often complimented by past acquaintances.

Just NO CONTACT, get a hobby that requires your concentration. The less time you spend thinking on the matter the better.

 

[Htienvu]

The conversation should've gone like this:

Her: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Just say it.
Her: I'm afraid that I'm going to break your heart.. I've been wanting to talk to you for a couple weeks now.....
Me: Wait a minute. You don't have to continue with this.
Her: But...
Me: No it's cool. I get it. I know what you are about to say. We don't have to have this conversation.
Her: But...
Me: No don't worry about it. It's all good.

Stand up, smile, kiss her on the forehead, and walk out. "See you around!"

The aftermath should go like this:

- No matter how much pain you are in DO NOT SHOW IT to her.
- Take that pain and use it to build an impenetrable wall around your heart. Promise yourself that you will never let a woman hurt you like this again.
- No contact by you at all. NONE!
- No dwelling on the past. NONE!
- Get yourself back out there NOW! No sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Not for one fcuking second! Get back on the horse and start meeting and dating NEW women immediately! Date as many as you can. THIS is how you heal!
- When your ex contacts you again, (notice I didn't say "if") you must be cool and collected. You must also be far too busy to talk to her. A quick hello and how's it going and then sorry but we're gonna have to catch up later because I have to go meet someone.
- The next time she contacts you, much of the same.
- When you finally do have a conversation with her you must be completely cool and "over it". She needs to realize that you are completely unfazed and happy. If she asks feel free to reveal that you have been dating. Only if she asks.
- At some point she will attempt to get nostalgic about your relationship. She will try to suck you into showing your emotions and reveal you still have feelings. Do not bite. Tell her things happen for a reason and you are ok with it. End this conversation if it goes down this road.
- Eventually your ex will learn that you have been seeing other women and will feel unsure about her decision to break up with you. She may show up at your door in the middle of the night begging to have you back. She may just stick to her guns and move on. THIS IS THE TURNING POINT. Whatever happens you CANNOT give her the opportunity to hurt you again. If she is wanting you back and you want to fcuk her again fine. However under no circumstances must she EVER feel as though she "has" you back. Reveal nothing of your feelings for her. She must be made to feel uncertain about your relationship going forward. When she whines or cries about this remember the pain you felt when she broke your heart. She deserves no sympathy at this point. Give her nothing!
- At some point she may go absolutely bat-sh!t hysterical on you because of your lack of emotion towards her and your relationship. This is the point where you decide whether you want to continue with her or not. It is up to you. If you decide to continue then the door to your heart can open just a crack at this point. The road back to where you trust her with it again should be LONG and cautious.
- Whether it is her or some other girl always maintain the ability to walk away at any given moment. She needs to know it too. Never place your happiness or well being in a woman's hands again. You make YOURSELF complete. You make HER complete. Nothing else.
- Love and relationships can be tough. To be good at it you must be able to access that cold, hard, tough, side of yourself at a moments notice. She needs to know you will slam the door to your heart shut the instant she fvcks up. The threat of you being "gone" should always be there. If she decides to leave then your attitude must be "Good riddance".



There you have it. 20 years of relationship break-up advice. Take what you can and apply it to your FUTURE relationships. This one is over.

The moment you have "the talk" any chance of the relationship working out is gone. You may get back together again but it will never work in the long run. You've played your cards and there's no turning back.

Good luck.

Quoted from similar thread...

 

[Htienvu]

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I didn't once think about swirving into the akrnasas river when my GF at age 18 for 9 months, not only had sex with someone else, basically got gangbanged, or pretend that i didn't miss school for 2-3 days beucase all i could do is cry when iound out a girl i worshiped basically was fvcking someone else, or the time the girl that brought me here called me just so i can hear her get plowed, for no other reason than she could.

so i'm not going to sit here and act tough like i've never been there before because I have, and I feel your pain brother. It sucks.

So, I'm going to give you some pratcial advice.

1. realize what you did wrong. I learned as I came here, that even the gangbang girl, there was some things i could have done differently to prevent that from happening. I mean it sucks that it happened, but learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen again. girls at that age, are the most ruthless on earth. they are at the epitome of their sexiness, and lack in wisdom not to totally burn bridges.


2. do not ever talk to her again under any circumstanes. delete, block, move if you have to (not really). she is a drug. it's going to take you a certain amount of time to get over her. hearing her voice will do nothing but reset the clock

3. you have to get to the core of hte problem here. The reason it hurts so bad is becuase she IS your life. she is basically all you have going for you and she's gone. so you need to gtsome other **** going for you. look at what she's saying. you have become too attached. you will learn with age. you are smothering this girl with emotions. do not take this information jand say "okay if i do this nad that i can get her back". it's over brah. but remember for next time.

4. get out and talk to other women. it helps fasten the greieve process. as long as she's the only girl you are thinking about she's the only girl you are going to think about. the faster you can start half ass thinking about other girls the quicker you can move on.

yeah, you will end up comparing them to your EX, but you will also be getting out the house, and doing fun things, and while you are doing that, you will be thinking about her. there will come a point in time where you will stop thinking about your ex as much as you are thinking about the girl you are with.


when I found out about the "gangbang girl" i worked at best buy. there was this rather cute girl,. that followed me aroud like a nat for months, and when she found out i broke up with my GF, she made it her mission to do **** with me. she would pick me up from my house and we would go places all the time. damn near every night i wasn't playing basketall "(i played high school ball) or at work we were at the movies, at a friends house. I literary went from contemplating ending it all to over her in less than 3 weeks. a month later i wasn't even taking her phone calls anymore. I was done with her once I started getting out and having fun. this girl was pretty fun to hang around and i eventually started dating her.

lol, she cheated on me too but that's not the point.


best of luck.

And this... We all feel for you OP, we've all been through similar things, that's what brought us here in the first place. Stay strong, read everything you can on this site, get hobbies, hit the gym, go out and meet other people. Start meeting other women, best way to get over someone.

 

[arkskier]

HalfAddict and HTienvu, thanks for the advice. I'm surprised that the things you posted are actually very helpful. THanks!

 

[Desdinova]

She's not the slutty type,

ALL women have the potential to be slutty.

The day she broke up with me, she said she hasn't loved me for a long time now and she really wanted to stay beause of what we've been
through.

You're always the last one to know that she doesn't love you. Women will drag out the end of a relationship for as long as you let them.

There are always signs that the relationship is failing. Learn how to identify them. Drastic changes in a woman's personality, behavior and tastes are dead giveaways that something's going on.

She said her feelings have changed, she doesn't feel the same way.

Proof that love does not conquer all and love isn't forever.

And then she revealed that fact that she just kissed a guy in a party and cheated on me. The day after she told me this, she posts a picture of herself and the guy in facebook - both of them all smiles - as if to debut their new love. The very next day!

In other words, she's been lying to you for a long time. Be glad you didn't marry her.

How can someone so caring be so suddenly brash to me?

You're the one who felt she was a caring person. She really wasn't. Our perception of a person can be blinded, especially if they're a good actor and know how to manipulate a person's thinking. The same thing happened with my marriage. I didn't know I was marrying such a self-centered cheating bytch. She made me think she was a fantastic, confident, and caring person in the time we dated before we got married. After the wedding, she had better things to do than be with me.

But we all learn from this 5hit, become better people, and move onto better things in our lives. You will do the same. You've received some great advice on this thread, and I wish you the best on your new path of life.

 

[JonJaper]

OP, my friend's cousin was about to get married and broke it off because the girl cheated. You'll naturally be upset, but my friend's cousin took a positive spin on it...when we asked him if he was ok, he said "Better that I ended it now than spend years in an unhappy marriage ending in divorce". Also, while it sucks that this happened to you, it's such a clear example of how true the Don Juan principles are on sosuave.

Obviously I'm not a misogynist but hell...b!tches are b!tches no matter what they tell you about being "different to other girls" etc. They say one thing and do something else, which is why we should focus on their ACTIONS rather than their words.This is vital...whether you're single just looking for pu$$y (like me) or whether you're in an LTR.

I'm guessing OP's relationship failed because of a lack of understanding of women and due to not seeing red flags earlier. I suspect that the OP has been a total 'nice guy'.

Check this post out, one of the legendary posts on sosuave...I feel it has relevance to the OP's situation:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15066

A few select extracts:


"Number One: In my opinion, the most important element that you could use @ your disposal in understanding women is the power of observation. That is why my number one rule for understanding women is this… do not listen to what a woman says and pay a lot of attention on what she does.

... OP probably focused on his ex's words about making a family etc instead of her actions, making the relationship epically fail.

Number Four: Ever wonder why soap operas are so popular among women… that because women love drama. Women would rather stay in a terrible relationship than be in that is good for them but boring. That is why women do not like nice guys and they like jerks. Nice guys are boring and extremely predictable. They will bend to a woman’s every command, and do everything that she asks. Because there is no drama and no excitement, the woman will begin to create it by being distant or starting arguments. Women are willing to do whatever they have to create drama in their lives. Women are emotional creatures and they would rather feel anything rather than nothing. That is why you can manipulate women by playing on their emotions. This is why doing things like remaining a challenge is so important. Because your behavior becomes so unpredictable, women will expend all of their energy trying to figure you out. So remember guys, make a woman feel something, anything… or else you will be by yourself."

OP, probably being a nice guy (my conclusion based on the wording of your post) was likely to have a relationship lacking drama and unpredictability. So the b!tch, being a b!tch and all, needed an outlet for drama, unpredictability and fun hence she cheated. She can't help it... it's in her nature to behave the way she did.

Alas, the poor nice guy... he is doomed to be taken advantage of by women.

OP, kill the nice guy within. He must die today and a new Don Juan must be born.

 

[PokerStar]

Once you don't live up to the perfect image they've built up in their mind - you're no good to them.

see this is what we all fall victim to.

AFC's do the same thing when they suffer from oneitis.

Anyway, how can you stop this false image they produce in their heads? If you cant stop it how can you at least temper their imagination?

If they build up a fantasy of you and how they will live their lives with you, arent they setting themselves up for a downfall?

this in my mind is a lot of pressure for guys to live up to. but we as men do not contribute to this fantasy or do we?

 

[DonGorgon]

...What I don't understand is, in the years we've been together, she's been totally loyal to me. .

no she has not... she has cheated on you ma y times but as now decided to start a relationship with some other dude..

here is some advice.. never marry a woman unless she has more money than you and is doing more for you than you do for her... that way when it ends (whuich it will) you dont loose anything at all... 99% of women cheat... so then you have to decided what you want out of a relationship other tan loyalty

 

[arkskier]

you guys have been a lot of help. ill reply to you all a bit later, im in the office. any more advice will be welcome.

 

[loveorlust]

sh@t happens. Tho I'm learning it only happens to nice guys. And you sound like one. Wanting to build a white picked fance future with a girl sounds all nice and gay and all, but it seems like it doesn't work to keep them around. Realityseems a sharp contrast to what you see in the movies (at least here in America.. don't know what the h@ll is happening elsewhere), and your story sounds like something that came out of a movie. But I'm sure there's a girl out there who will want to build that white picked fance future with you. Meanwhile, try to bang as much pooh tang has possible. It's good for the evolution of our specifies LOL


.. oh and I almost forgot, wear a condom

 

[DonGorgon]

sh@t happens. Tho I'm learning it only happens to nice guys.

NO!!!! **** happens to ALL guys but nice guys care more about ijt than alpha jerks cause alpha jerks tend to have more F options available..