State Of Confusion

[Hypoxia II]

Well guys, its 8:00 AM on Sunday morning and here I sit at my computer. I just got out of bed, but I didn't just wake up.

Last night I went on a date with a beautiful woman who I have a lot in common with. Yeah for me. The problem being that it meant nothing to me. The date went fine. We had good conversation and generally enjoyed each others company. The evening even ended with a nice kiss. Wierd part is that I was the one that stopped and decided we call it an evening. I came home, went to bed, and tossed and turned all night until I got tired of laying there and got up.

I don't know whats been troubling me lately. It could be that classic coming of age syndrome but somehow I don't think that applies here.

For example, I have many hobbies I enjoy, I just lack the motivation to persue them. Yet at the same time I dream of being able to do those things. I am becoming increasingly more anti-social, but at the same time I can't wait to be with my friends. However when I'm with them I start feeling very distant. It's strange, sometimes it seems like I treat strangers better than the people who are closest to me. Going back to the date, same situation. As soon as it was over I snapped back into the same mindset, and as soon as I got home I started getting bummed out because I was alone. I'm confused. I feel like a total mess. I guess some people could call me a walking contradiction.

I don't understand how I got this way. I may not be explaining it very well because I just feel so frustrated. I was never like this when I was younger. I didn't have a hard life growing up. Even now my friends come to me with their problems because they know I will be unbiased and honest and I do give them good advice. For some reason I can't find that advice to give myself though. I really dont think I can go to my friends either because every time I turn around they got some other problem and I really doubt they can give sound advice or support when their mind is focused on their own problems. It's kind of ironic I say that when in fact thats exactly what I'm doing for them.

Other than frustration it's like I have no emotion at all anymore.. I don't get excited about anything really anymore. I have little or no sex drive anymore. Sometimes I think that if I could just let out a good cry I might feel a little better but I can't even bring myself to that. I just sit and stare at a wall listening to some music or staring mindlessly at the TV.

I haven't completely given up hope though. I still have goals and dreams. I tell myself I'm just in a rut and I need a drastic change. I just don't know what it is. I also know I'm not unique in this problem so I'm hoping someone in these forums can understand my jumbled thoughts. If you made it this far into my vent session ,thank you.

Hypoxia II

 

[Demodulate]

Weirdness...

similar situaiton...

not so much that my life has gotten into a rut, but its gotten routine... im fine sitting home doing nothing, or working on my cars.

have a girl in my life, but thats on the way out. have my hobbies, but they are expensive, and im kinda stuck in a holding pattern saving up. I own my own place, 2 cars, graduated colledge, and have a decent job.. I was accepted back to school, but I havent taken it any further.. sometimes I feel like i missed something along the way, like I should of gotten married and had kids by now

I have friends, but no real good friends, or a best friend. I am just a loaner I guess.

I guess I dont really know what to say, but I know how you feel.

life has gotten blah... not that it tastes bad...

 

[Wyldfire]

This is what happens when you teach yourself to stop feeling in order to avoid being hurt by women. Although it's true that men are more physically geared...men still need to feel emotions, both positive and negative. When a person removes their emotions from their lives they lack the true happiness, contentment and fulfillment that one can only find by way of feeling things.

 

[Demodulate]

you may be on to something... the older I get the more guarded I am with my feelings... when I was younger I loved very deeply, only to get burned deeply... as each falied relationship ended a little more of my passion went... now im left with a hundrum lookout on love. I want to have it, but now I never have that head over heals feeling i use to have when i was younger and an AFC, and rushing in with all my heart only to get burned.

now im cold, and calculating.. and break up with girls for not fitting into my idea of a perfect woman.. however shallow it might be.

so now im fine sitting home alone, and dating woman even if in the back of my head i know they arent going to make it..

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Demodulate
you may be on to something... the older I get the more guarded I am with my feelings... when I was younger I loved very deeply, only to get burned deeply... as each falied relationship ended a little more of my passion went... now im left with a hundrum lookout on love. I want to have it, but now I never have that head over heals feeling i use to have when i was younger and an AFC, and rushing in with all my heart only to get burned.

now im cold, and calculating.. and break up with girls for not fitting into my idea of a perfect woman.. however shallow it might be.

so now im fine sitting home alone, and dating woman even if in the back of my head i know they arent going to make it..

Sounds like you need to unpack some emotional baggage. It's a good idea to do that after every relationship you have that ends. At 39 I have probably been through more pain and heartache than most people on this forum. I was abused in every way imagineable for ten years, my fiance' of 5 years was murdered, for example. It hasn't affected my ability to love and trust at all, though. I also take time after a relationship ends to process and grieve properly. I just find that works better for me than rushing into the next relationship. It's not a good idea to get into the habit of distracting yourself from laying your last relationship to rest by starting a new one or keeping too busy to process it.

 

[wiseman]

It kind of sounds like your depressed has there been any drastic changes in your life? your heart is probably trying to tell you is time to settle down wtih a nice women get married and have kids.

 

[Demodulate]

how does a guy unpack emotional baggage? after a break up I go out in my garage and wrench on a car.. dont have any good friends to BS about the break up with.. eventually I meet another girl and we start the cycle over again... just seems like some big game... I fall less in love each time, and all I got is my same ol routine... not thats its bad..

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Demodulate
how does a guy unpack emotional baggage? after a break up I go out in my garage and wrench on a car.. dont have any good friends to BS about the break up with.. eventually I meet another girl and we start the cycle over again... just seems like some big game... I fall less in love each time, and all I got is my same ol routine... not thats its bad..

If you don't have anyone to talk to then you should write your thoughts down just to get them out. It's good to try to recognize any unhealthy thinking patterns or beliefs, too. A lot of people focus more on feeling hurt, bitter and angry than they do about looking at the part they played in things failing. No one is perfect. Even though my ex husband was extremely abusive, I still wasn't perfect, made my share of mistakes and was dumb enough to hang around and allow him to use me as a punching bag. I find that I look at each experience, good or bad (especially the bad) as an opportunity to grow and learn as a human being. I always forgive (that's a gift I give to myself) and maybe that helps me to always be able to trust and love the next person that comes along. Oddly enough, I've found that after leaving my ex husband, the following man I was with I loved more than I felt was humanly possible. After he died I took a long time to grieve rather than looking for immediate comfort. As a result I was able to not only love someone as much as I did the man I lost, but even moreso. Unfortunately I'm beginning to think that man and I will never get together and I'm getting very restless. But if we don't get together, once I process that someone else will come along when my heart is ready for it. Whatever is meant to be in our lives will come when we're ready for it to come. I'm a firm believer that every relationship and involvement we have prepares us for the one we eventually end up staying with for the long haul. Rather than question and fight it, I just go with the flow. No hard feelings, resentment or expectations...it's best to just enjoy what you have while you have it and complicate things as little as you can. Perhaps that's a little naive or foolish...but I'm happy, and being happy sure beats being angry, bitter and carrying around all kinds of baggage that just hurts you in the long run.

 

[libre]

Psychotherapy?

Dear sir

You might try a psychotherapy. You have the financial possibilities to try this out and this process might be very beneficial for you. Even if you don't attain the lightness of being that Gandhi attained, just the process of talking to a therapist coud be very pleasant and beneficial.

You are at a crossroad in life, and this road that you might unravel by a therapy could well be determining for your future. And don't think a therapy is for sissies. On the contrary, it is for very brave men that are brave enought to take this less travelled road.

I you try this out, carefully choose your therapist. It might be detrimental to fall on a quack.

Good luck with life sir.

 

[insomniac]

I'm in a bit of a rut too, but it's not really one I feel bad about. A year ago I was obsessed with getting a girlfriend, feeling unease if I wasn't out actively socializing, feeling sad everytime I saw a couple. But, then I had a girlfriend for a few months, that ended, and now I've lost interest in women for the time being. I did jump back into dating soon after that ended, went out with maybe a dozen women...but even the ones I was very attracted to I did nothing to follow up with. I just didn't care enough, and didn't want to put any work into it. Another part of it is...I want my next relationship to start like my last one, immediate attraction and chemistry and everything coming naturally. So far, that hasn't happened.

I'm happy for the time to not deal with women at all. I can be alone at home perfectly content. I have a lot of work to do, home projects to finish, working out and getting back in shape, trips to take. I'm sure my desire will return, but am happy right now to just be alone and not deal with all the drama.

I'd say ride it out. Be anti-social. Eventually your mind will need to balance it out and your desires will return.

I'm actually finding it easier to let my emotional side out as I get older. I think I'm just not as afraid to let it go, and if I lose, get hurt, get rejected, so be it.

 

[NewMan]

Are you guys physically active?

Pounding the iron regularly - running - you know the deal.

I find that heavy exercise tends to relieve me mentally and physically.

Friends are important in life. You need to get some good friends.

 

[ztas]

balance your perspectives

Being a relative newbie to the DJ website and its info, what I suggest is to not blindly follow all the advice. Read it, chew it over, and think of what you might have done wrong in the past. But don't completely lose who YOU are by nature.

Some advice can lead you down the self-defeating path of just going after the next girl (or having multiple girls) in case one doesn't work out. That might be good for a one-night stand or STR, but for a successful LTR, you have to work on the one girl (if you're really interested). SOme of the articles here tend to provide 'shielding' for the guy if he's dumped by a girl, or having relationship troubles. Often it suggests (in indirect ways) that you should dump the girl and 'move on'. Regardless of what the guy might or might not have done wrong...

If you're really not interested in a girl, then of course leave her, but examine why the interest waned. IT's true that it's not always one person's fault, but there can still be issues to look at within yourself.

Much of the advice here is good, especially about self-esteem. It's 100% that your self-esteem should be based on internal values and not what others think of you. Easy to say, but harder to practice, especially when you're down. BUt improving that can really help whether in a relationship or if you've just broken up. A relationship with a girl is not everything.

Give yourself time between relationships, don't become a robot without feelings. THere is always the risk that you could get hurt by being a feeling person, but is this not better than what you're feeling now?

Don't rush into psychotherapy, etc. Just think about what went wrong, and what you can do to improve things (if you feel the need to).
Maybe speak to a psychologist (but not a psychiatrist). The latter tend to rush to medical/intervention approaches while a good psychologist should just talk with you.

All the best

Z

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

This is what happens when you teach yourself to stop feeling in order to avoid being hurt by women. Although it's true that men are more physically geared...men still need to feel emotions, both positive and negative. When a person removes their emotions from their lives they lack the true happiness, contentment and fulfillment that one can only find by way of feeling things.

I think she hit this one on the head. I have noticed over the last few weeks that several guys here are experiencing similar feelings of restlessness. We even have a guy who misses his AFC days. Alot of guys have learned to go after women with the passion of a tin man.

If I only had a heart.

We do this to protect our hearts and egos. Women become the prey and it all becomes routined and calculated. I've noticed that after reading this forum for a while I've become quite hostile towards women (not ******dly), women had become the hunt, not participants in a fun game of seduction. Maybe some of us need time away from here?

As far as digging through all the mental/emotional clutter, I can't help you I still have baggage that is yet to be thrown out. Just be honest about who you really are and what you need and desire to be content with life.

 

[Wyldfire]

The guys who come here don't need to stop feeling...they simply need to learn self-control of their behavior and stop being so needy and clingy. with women. Anyone who came here after being dumped did okay getting a girl...he just couldn't keep her, most likely because he was too needy and clingy. Losing those traits are the single most important thing for a guy to learn.

 

[Paradox]

Look out pook! Classic post by Paradox

Originally posted by Demodulate
how does a guy unpack emotional baggage?

Emotional baggage comes from not dealing with the failures of past relationships. This is true wether it be a relationship with a girlfriend, mother, father, friend, sister...ect

In order to get rid of your emotional baggage you have to reconcile the emotional issues in the relationship. You don't necessarily have to place blame but you have to deal with the various emotions involved (i.e. love, envy, confusion, pride, hate, sorrow...ect).

Your emotional maturity is determined by how well you can come to terms with circumstances and the emotions tied to them. Some people need professional help to do this. Some people just need friends to do this. Other can do this on their own.

I have found that the old saying that "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all" quite appropiate for a DJ to live by.

 

[Demodulate]

eh.. my slogan is "sa la vi" or such is life...

 

[libre]

C'est la vie!

Demodulate

The right spelling is "C'est la vie". (French is my mother tongue)

 

[Demodulate]

yeah, im a barbarian... sorry bout that

c'est la vie it is...

 

[al77]

There are some methods that helps overcoming what you feel:

1. Decide you want to overcome that feeling...so leter you will not thwart your owm plans by being lazy or not just feel like doing it.

2. Try to go back to school. Don't have to actually do that: just apply for a bunch of schools, figure out their programs etc...
pick up the best that suits you. Then sign up for 1 class to see how you like it.

3. Nutrition. Now is the bad time, our bodies exprience this change from winter to summer weather and require additional resources though we may know it. Add more fruit & vegetable in the diet, do not waste money on many bottled vitamins (maybe just vitamin C but the rest is not very effective). Instead go for real fresh fruit. Fresh juice (not from concentrate).

At the same time you may consume more of some quite not healthy food: pasta and chocolate, since it does make you feel
happier a bit. I am not very big fan of paste of chocolate, but I fgured out it does work for me 100%.

4. It is more drastic but will work and restore you feeling of life:
do some fasting for about 4-5 days. Do not eat anything expect pure water. It is a very healthy procedure.
Tough, I know. But believe me after 5th day... you start feeling some totally new life... for about next a couple of months.