something funny i came across

[Legend]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...................49

Adventurous..............Slept with everyone

Athletic.................No tits

Average looking.................................Ugly

Beautiful................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist.................Fat

Free spirit...................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former slut

Fun......................Annoying

New-Age................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned............No BJs

Open-minded..............Desperate

Outgoing................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............Sloppy drunk

Professional.............*****

Voluptuous..............Very Fat

Large frame................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[spider_007]

funny sh!t:crackup:

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

haha

:crackup:

 

[Legend]

haha

the ones i liked were the


Athletic.................No tits


Friendship first..........................Former slut


hit the nail on the head

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

Here's some more:

You want = You want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(When she's giving you sh1t)

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? = There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. = ... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? = We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE. = ... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. = I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? = I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE. = My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT... = I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. = ... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. = You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. = I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. = I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. = I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! = Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. = We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

(The answer to "What's wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an jerk

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

 

[Legend]

This is so true