someone please kick me in the butt

[realsmoothie]

I'm sitting here with a girl's phone # in my hand, and I can't call her. This is f*cked UP.

This is a girl that I've known for a while, it's obvious we have a connection. The other night after a party the cab dropped her off and she pretty much asked me "out". I told her to give me her number, and she did.

Now it's four days later, I have a night off, and every time I make a move to call her I just freeze up.

This seems to happen EVERY FRICKING TIME. If there isn't alcohol involved (and sometimes there is... I tried this last night after a couple of glasses of wine) I can't make a move to save my life.

I really need some kind of situational-anxiety training, or a smack in the face.

So guys... let me have it! B*tch me out. Call me a pansy-ass. Put that little "guy kicking the other guy" smiley in. Diss the Seattle Seahawks. I need some harsh beats.

 

[penkitten]

what do you think the problem is?

 

[realsmoothie]

what do you think the problem is?

I dunno. The procrastination doesn't help. I can find ALL MANNER of things to do (including post here) instead of call her. I can also find lots of ways to rationalize waiting for the next day to call.

It's pure anxiety. As I sit here my heart is going double-time, or at least time and a half.

Funny thing is that in the case of this girl I've already made a couple of bad goofs, and it only seemed to make her MORE interested (see http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=117811). This is maybe the easiest first-call I could ever make.

 

[joekerr31]

sounds to me like you don't know who you are or what you want.

i use to have this problem. i cannot tell you how many times i've sat there crushing over some girl, then the moment i find out she likes me, i lose all interest.

i pondered why this happened and came to a basic conclusion.

the answer was that i was afraid of getting what i wanted. i liked the fantasy of who she was more so than seeing what the reality might be. plus a fantasy is easy to control, you rarely get disappointed with a fantasy - whereas we all know that reality is filled with disappointments.

sometimes it feels easier to just leave things in fantasy land.

sometimes also a fantasy is the only good thing you got going in your life and losing that can be intimidating.

which is why one of the keys to being comfortable around chics is to be happy with your life as it is.

i suspect you aren't calling her for the above reasons and also because your afraid of what might happen. you're probably trying to figure out why she likes, what her thinking process is - trying to shore up all the angles so that you can feel confident that youll be in control and that you wont end up getting hurt. you also sound like you have low self esteem and worry that even though she's giving you clear signals that you're reading things wrong and she'll reject you, or that once she gets to know you she'll reject you.

you have three options

1) see this as a learning experience. ask her out and see what happens. the absolute worst thing that happens is everything turns in to utter sh*t and you gain some insight into who you are and what you need to work on to evolve
2) do nothing and leave her as a fantasy that you never made a reality.
3) wait around hoping that she basically throws herself at you - removing all doubt about whether she likes while also providing you with all the power in the relationship (this is a bad bad bad option - chics rarely ever do this unless they are drunk. they will just lay on the flirting to insane proportions and wait for you to act).

i guess the question is whether you are looking for fantasy, reality or for someone else to make your decision for you here?

 

[realsmoothie]

i suspect you aren't calling her for the above reasons and also because your afraid of what might happen. you're probably trying to figure out why she likes, what her thinking process is - trying to shore up all the angles so that you can feel confident that youll be in control and that you wont end up getting hurt. you also sound like you have low self esteem and worry that even though she's giving you clear signals that you're reading things wrong and she'll reject you, or that once she gets to know you she'll reject you.

Well, sh*t. This is so dead-on I couldn't have said it better myself.

You're right, absolutely right, that I'm worried that she'll reject me once she gets to know me. It doesn't matter how much interest she's shown to this point, I can always rationalize it as "well, she doesn't really KNOW me... and when she finds out what a dork I am, she'll ditch me".

Making that first call, setting up the first "date" or whatever is taking a flying leap into the unknown. I've been getting much better at getting close to girls lately, getting numbers and getting together... but now I'm moving into the realms of "relationships" and the such, and I have so little experience here. So right now I'm not worried about the actual immediate rejection, I'm worried about how well I'm going to deal with everything AFTER that.

I should say that the last girl I really liked and was seeing was a disaster. I ended up not being able to kiss her (we never drank together, LOL) and she flaked. And the last girl I fooled around with just for fun was a mess, too... it went so late in the night that by the time I was at screwing stage it was 6:30 am and I was too exhausted to boner it up.

So the last couple of situations have been a little messy. That can't help. Somehow I have to convince myself that those were learning experiences and that this one will be better.

 

[Vulpine]

Ahh... the pre-call jitters. Used to get 'em all the time.

Here's what you do:

Grab a pen and paper
Grab your phone and start dialing
Hit "send"
Start writing down why you're calling: to set up date - where & when
HB: "Hello?"

I did that 3 times before I got over the "not calling because... because... because...." crap.

You'll still get nervous, but you can get over that, too. When you get home, take care of business, then the first time you think of it - grab a pen and paper, grab the phone and start dialing...

You'll find that you won't have time to psyche yourself out if this is the routine. Then, once that is the routine, you won't need the pen and paper. I found that the pen and paper was a distraction just long enough for the "hello?" Plus, when the vibing gets sketchy, it's the end of the call: So, Thursday at 8, Such and such, I'll see you then, bye.

I remember in High School and I had to make the first call, I wasn't nearly as armed as now. But even then I had a "jump sequence". I'd grab the darts and throw until I got a bulls-eye. When I did, I'd set the darts down, pick up the phone and start dialing.

Set yourself up with some kind of "jump routine" like my pen and paper deal. There are a couple of "pre-date routine" articles to relieve that anxiety - you can apply the same routine thing to the call.

You can make it simple or complex. Maybe yell YAHTZEE! at the top of your lungs and start dialing. Basically, what you need is a feather like Dumbo did.

Like in cards: Study long, study wrong.
"There is no spoon."
All that jazz.

 

[grinder]

Funny aint it, you can have a jar full of uncalled numbers. Why is that?

Getting a number is so easy, what happens after you call that number and she, gulp, agrees is a whole other universe of possibilities.

A daunting task for anyone.

 

[realsmoothie]

Ahh... the pre-call jitters. Used to get 'em all the time.

Here's what you do:

Grab a pen and paper
Grab your phone and start dialing
Hit "send"
Start writing down why you're calling: to set up date - where & when
HB: "Hello?"

I did that 3 times before I got over the "not calling because... because... because...." crap.

You'll still get nervous, but you can get over that, too. When you get home, take care of business, then the first time you think of it - grab a pen and paper, grab the phone and start dialing...

You'll find that you won't have time to psyche yourself out if this is the routine. Then, once that is the routine, you won't need the pen and paper. I found that the pen and paper was a distraction just long enough for the "hello?" Plus, when the vibing gets sketchy, it's the end of the call: So, Thursday at 8, Such and such, I'll see you then, bye.

I remember in High School and I had to make the first call, I wasn't nearly as armed as now. But even then I had a "jump sequence". I'd grab the darts and throw until I got a bulls-eye. When I did, I'd set the darts down, pick up the phone and start dialing.

Set yourself up with some kind of "jump routine" like my pen and paper deal. There are a couple of "pre-date routine" articles to relieve that anxiety - you can apply the same routine thing to the call.

You can make it simple or complex. Maybe yell YAHTZEE! at the top of your lungs and start dialing. Basically, what you need is a feather like Dumbo did.

Like in cards: Study long, study wrong.
"There is no spoon."
All that jazz.

Thanks for equating me with Dumbo.

Man, you should see me trying to make a call. It's scary stuff. Sometimes I'm amazed that I am the same race of beings as the ones who landed on the French shores on D-Day or step into a big rocket headed for space.

The damn phone sits there in my hand. I push the button for my listings. Then there's the name. Click on that. The # comes up... ONE MORE CLICK... BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT...

Funny thing is, a couple of times I've gotten to that point, pulled the phone down to my side or something while going "d'oh"... and then heard a voice at the other end. My phone had called her. Did I push the button subconsciously?

OK so I've started making dinner and had a drink. Am somehow feeling better about this (also just talked to one of her friends, purely by accident, who was like "F*CKING CALL HER, *****!").

I feel like Beavis... "YEAH HEHHEHHEH... IT'S REALLY GONNA HAPPEN!"

 

[Vulpine]

Tank, load the jump sequence.

...you have to know, not just think, that someday you'll get rejected. Fear, doubt, disbelief... you have to let it all go.

 

[kyphan]

Funny aint it, you can have a jar full of uncalled numbers. Why is that?

Getting a number is so easy, what happens after you call that number and she, gulp, agrees is a whole other universe of possibilities.

A daunting task for anyone.

That sounds like my job. Once you get the customer, everything else changes completely.

I'd rather call women all day than potential customers. I feel worse letting customers down than ladies!

 

[Mind_Body_Soul]

A great way to do it - one that will also yield better results - is to call when you're on a high. Whether you just got done working out, reading some motivating threads on here, listening to some great music, whatever it is that gets you pumped up - THEN CALL.

Your positivity will radiate through the phone and she will think you're a charismatic upbeat guy. You will be more confident and more likely to end up getting a date.

 

[Latinoman]

You are contradicting yourself.

Here you create a thread that reads: "someone please kick me in the butt"

But in another thread, http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=117775 post #6, you write:

You also have to remember that this place is full of bitter, impotent guys who have major issues with women and want to consider themselves "masculine" in order to buff themselves up.

Since being a "man" seems to involve belittling other men, i.e. being "alpha", that's what you get here a lot.

Pretty pathetic, sometimes. But I'd argue there's enough good stuff going on to outweigh the bad.

So, what is going to be?

 

[Sinistar]

Is she hot - if so, give me the number and I'll call her Oh wait, maybe that's what the other dudes who scored her digits are doing right about now ... wonder how they're doing with your HB???

Try some simple logic. She's just another human being - you talk to human beings every day right? Maybe she'll eject or maybe you'll eject. Maybe you'll have a ONS or a STR or even a LTR with her. And the irony - you've already met her and scored her digits. So you've already chatted her up once and she asked you out for crap's sake. What, you afraid of success?

And you asked for a cyber b!tch slap....

This seems to happen EVERY FRICKING TIME. If there isn't alcohol involved (and sometimes there is... I tried this last night after a couple of glasses of wine) I can't make a move to save my life.

...quit friggin' drinking. Learn to be comfortable and confident with your real self.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...quit friggin' drinking. Learn to be comfortable and confident with your real self.

 

[Prio]

1. Feel the discomfort.
2. Grab your balls.
3. Make a primal grunt sound.
4. Start dialing.
5. After conversation is over, admire the fact that you "conquered" the discomfort.

 

[realsmoothie]

You are contradicting yourself.


So, what is going to be?

Hey, I KNOW when I need my butt kicked. When I'm sitting there with my hand on the phone, it's purely willpower that will make me make that call. I can't rationalize calling, if I do that my brain overreacts and shuts down. That's different from what happens to some of the younger guys who get on here with a "I feel nervous" question and get bashed with the "grab your nuts, AFC p*ssy" response.

This thread has (as of now) produced some of the ass-kicking I needed and a little good discussion about the factors that produced it.

What's funny is that I have her email and would have had NO problem emailing her. And that at my work, I have to make phone calls to customers regarding missing product EVERY DAY, and wouldn't have a problem with that either.

Anyhow... I compromised a little. I waited until just now, the middle of the day when I know she's at school, to call. Even THAT was brutal, and I got the old voicemail. Whew. But it's done.



NOTES: as for drinking... yeah, it can be a crutch. What's wierd is that when I'm drinking it FEELS like my "real self", because I'm more extroverted and not as nervous. But isn't being nervous part of my "real self", too? I mean, I was pretty much born anxious... I remember being socially awkward as a little kid.

as for being "afraid of success"... well, yeah, didn't you read that post earlier where I said that a lot of the nervousness came from a couple of past screwups and a fear that this girl won't like me once she gets to know me?

and as for calling while being on a high... LOL I did all three of the things you mentioned yesterday in an attempt to psyche myself up: gym, music, reading threads here. I also called a couple of other girls I know to chat (even ended up with a semi-date, oops.).


ANYHOW... thanks to all. Hopefully she'll be calling back tonight. :woo:

 

[Vulpine]

1. Feel the discomfort.
2. Grab your balls.
3. Make a primal grunt sound.
4. Start dialing.
5. After conversation is over, admire the fact that you "conquered" the discomfort.

I like that. I think I'm going to do that before EVERY phone call I make.

*grab*
"GRUNT"
"beep, beap, boop, boup, boup, beap, beep"
"Thank you for choosing Gammon Road Pizza Hut..."

 

[wayword]

You also have to remember that this place is full of bitter, impotent guys who have major issues with women and want to consider themselves "masculine" in order to buff themselves up.

Since being a "man" seems to involve belittling other men, i.e. being "alpha", that's what you get here a lot.

Pretty pathetic, sometimes. But I'd argue there's enough good stuff going on to outweigh the bad.

So, what is going to be?

Lol, it's called projection. Takes one to know one, right? I see this ALLLLL the damn time. Psych 101.

And then he belittles men for belittling other men...yet now is asking to be belittled. Lmao...how many layers of hypocrisy can you count here?

 

[realsmoothie]

Lol, it's called projection. Takes one to know one, right? I see this ALLLLL the damn time. Psych 101.

And then he belittles men for belittling other men...yet now is asking to be belittled. Lmao...how many layers of hypocrisy can you count here?

This is why I hate the internet. My original post, while very bitter, yes, was really more sarcastic about the "asking for it" thing. It was an ironic reference to the fact that every guy on here who posts a whiny note usually gets it anyhow.

Ugh, I give up.

LOL, she just called back, right in the middle of that post... we're doing something Friday... maybe a movie at my place (THAT was fast). So, uh... thanks for the butt-kicking...?