So I dyed my hair...Reframing Negative Response to Change

[Duke]

Before the mods move this to off-topic, this post isn't about whether or not I should dye my hair. It's about reframing the reactions that people have to sudden change.

So I dyed my hair last night. Understand that I live in a small, hicksville sort of town, so there's a real unspoken conformity to the way people dress, speak, and act. Los Angeles, this is not.

I'm naturally a red-head (not bright at all, dark auburn), and last night I dyed my hair black. When I was at the store holding the bottle of hair dye, I asked myself if this was congruent with who I was. The answer I came up with was "Yes."

I had always wanted to change my hair color simply because being red-headed makes you stand out and I didn't like the attention. Reason #2 is that I was afraid of what my family might think if I changed my hair color...so I wanted to face that fear. Reason #3 is that I didn't want to limit myself to people's preconceived notions of what I should look and act like. It's my choice, not theirs. Reason #4 is that I liked the new color.

So I get home (I'm 18 and going to college in a month), my mom sees my hair and initially she can't even tell that I dyed it. I'm like, "Yeah I woke up today and something was a little bit different about me."

And she's like, "What??" I point to my hair. She goes, "Did you get it cut again?" I go, "No, I died it." And then she starts freaking out and has been for a good half hour.

She called the new color ugly, saying it doesn't go with my skintone, that she'd wash it out as fast as possible, etc, and generally just trying to make me feel like shyt.

Basically, she took it as a personal offense to her. Just because I dyed my hair, she thinks:
A) I have low self-esteem
B) I am very susceptible to peer-pressure
C) I want to be non-unique
D) I'm effeminate

That's horse-shyt. One of the reasons I did this is because I wanted to do it (duh) and I knew that if I didn't, then I'd be supplicating to my parents and other close relatives--caving in to what they thought I should be.

It's just really hard to make a change like this and have people accept it...does anyone have a way to reframe things like this? The fact that I died with my hair is totally congruent with who I have become and totally incongruent with the AFC that my parents raised me to be.

Did anyone else feel this kind of sheer resistance whenever they made a change in their lives?

Thanks guys, I really want to hear some responses.

 

[Dirtheart]

Don't take your mother's on ANYTHING related to your image...ever! Mothers want their sons to be nice guys and AFCs, they don't want them to be sexy.

Go with the new colour and see what reactions you get from the people who count (i.e. hot women).

 

[PeeGee]

Odd that you should bring it up. I recently dyed my hair YELLOW. Not blond, yellow. As a frame of reference I'm asian.

The result was so odd that I had to reframe my understanding of past events. Girls came up to me, guys immediately became unconfident when I made eye contact with their girlfriends, and single guys had to comment. As I understand it, it was probably the case that before I did this, even with my "loud" hair style and all that, I still had to show value to women.

So to second the previous post, you need to get other people's opinions. And even then, I would suggest you not let it get to your head. The way you reacted to your mother's rantings makes me wonder if you worry what everybody thinks about you.

 

[Duke]

Originally posted by Dirtheart
Don't take your mother's on ANYTHING related to your image...ever! Mothers want their sons to be nice guys and AFCs, they don't want them to be sexy.

Go with the new colour and see what reactions you get from the people who count (i.e. hot women).

Haha, yeah no kidding. Weird paradox huh? They want you to choose the most boring life as possible and *GET MARRIED* yet they can't have you looking sexy... or looking at porn etc.

Haha, okay mom. I'll make myself as asexual as possible. Heaven forbid girls suspect that I want to desecrate their privates. Ha. Fukk that.

I took an emotional beating at the time whenever she was ranting at me, but I'm starting to see it for what it was:
My mom trying to keep me AFC and under her control. She doesn't want me to be my own man. :\ Oh well.

A large part of getting good reactions to things, be it a new job you have, or a new hairstyle or color or WHATEVER is conveying that YOU LIKE IT FIRST AND FOREMOST AND WHATEVER ANYBODY ELSE THINKS BE DAMNED.

To use an example, let's say a guy's job is digging ditches. He could be all pouty-faced about it and think his job sucks and people would agree with him. But if he tells them how he enjoys it SO MUCH and how digging ditches helps SO MANY PEOPLE because of ABC then people will also agree with him.

That's why I don't want my mom's negative attitude infecting me, making me question myself and my own decisions. I know that I made a good choice and that's that. Everyone else will think so too.

Thanks, Dirtheart

 

[Duke]

Originally posted by PeeGee
Odd that you should bring it up. I recently dyed my hair YELLOW. Not blond, yellow. As a frame of reference I'm asian.

The result was so odd that I had to reframe my understanding of past events. Girls came up to me, guys immediately became unconfident when I made eye contact with their girlfriends, and single guys had to comment. As I understand it, it was probably the case that before I did this, even with my "loud" hair style and all that, I still had to show value to women.

So to second the previous post, you need to get other people's opinions. And even then, I would suggest you not let it get to your head. The way you reacted to your mother's rantings makes me wonder if you worry what everybody thinks about you.

That's definitely radical, man! My hair's black now. It could pass for a natural color. But with you, whew! There is no turning back.

Yeah, something about dying your hair or dressing weird or piercings, tatoos, and whatnot: It subcommunicates that you don't care what authority figures think of you. It shows that you live in your reality and that you base your decisions around what YOU want. This is attractive.

I'm gonna listen to opinions as they come (from friends, not old relatives), but I'm not gonna ASK THEM what they think. If I ask what they think, then I'm seeking approval from them. The whole dig of his fiasco with my mother is that I don't give a fukk WHAT they think. Personally I think it looks good on me. I have good taste, that's all that matters.

Nobody but my father wants to be banging my mother. Quite a few chicks have confessed their desires about me. Yeah, when it comes to sex appeal and MODERN STYLE, I'll go with my opinion over my MOM's.

Do I worry about what everyone thinks of me? When I was an AFC, I used to worry about what people thought of me all the time. Since I've been discovering the truth about so many things through my own experiences and through people I've talked to and through books, that worry has been diminishing more and more into a great big "Fukk you!"

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by PeeGee
Odd that you should bring it up. I recently dyed my hair YELLOW. Not blond, yellow. As a frame of reference I'm asian.

Super-saiyajin?

 

[Duke]

*UPDATE*

So my mom still hates my hair. She's waging this big stupid campaign against me, trying to get me to use hair products that will remove the dye, calling me a goth, effiminate, saying that I have low self esteem, etc, etc.

In other words, trying to BULLY me into doing whatever she want me to do. Luckily for me, I dealt with bullies in high-school, so i know how to deal with this infantile tactic. You turn the attention back on them.

She started up on my hair whenever my brother stopped by. He was apathetic, btw. Anyway, she starts on her insult tirade and I turn it back to her and tell my bro, "Dude you should see these spectacles she wears nowadays!"

"Spectacles? " he says. "Yeah dude. She's getting old, check em out."
Well this shut her up and put her in the spotlight. Mission accomplished.

I left later on for the gym with my hair spiked up, clean-shaven. I looked good. I know this INSTINCTIVELY.
I stopped by Wal-Mart first to pick up some shampoo for color-treated hair and the checkout clerk (HB7) smiled at me before I even opened my mouth. However I wasn't attracted to her, so I moved on.

I got to the gym. The lady who runs it is like 34 or so. I walked in and she greeted me.

Me: Hey, can you get me a bottle of water?
Her: Sure
Me: Thanks
Her: *notices my hair* "What'd you do to that pretty, red hair?" she asks with a smirk.
Me: Ah, I dyed it for a party I went to.
Her: Oh I like I like it .
Me: Thanks
Her: It looks natural, it actually doesn't look like you dyed it. I really like it. I can still see some red peeking through.
Me: Haha, thanks *goes to workout*

And at the party itself, this dude who was with me at the time was like "Aww, dude that looks so awesome. I am like jealous of your hair, i want it so bad."

So yeah, I need to kill the rest of the wuss lingering inside of me and realize that I don't need ANYONE'S approval. Even my mom's. That's how she raised me. She raised me to need her approval... to need the approval of women in general. That's what always fukked me over, and that's what I absolutely must totally break from.

Cuz my mom's not gonna be anywhere in the vicinity whenever HBCrazy is yanking my sleek, jet hair as her legs quiver.

Fukking back in black.
Duke

 

[Capi Crimini]

Los Angeles, this is not.

Well Yoda... thanks for pointing that out... I forgot to read the rest of your post... seemed.... pointless.... like.... your grammer.... very dull.

Grow to love your new hair... Plus now you'll have red/black hair once your hair starts to grow... Which should look pretty wicked... I'd hope for your sake.