Should you ask a girl out twice?

[sylvester the cat]

I've read about the 2 strike rule but what would you do in this situation?

Met a girl I really hit it off with at work (yes I know you shouldnt dip your pen in the company ink but i couldnt help it). it all started around this time last year.

she was attached at the time and so was i but we were flirting with each other all the same until we both realised it was more than just a joke.

eventually she split with her bfriend.

i ask her out about 4 months later lol. to guage her true feelings i ask for her hand which i stroke. she strokes it back. she ums and ahs, asks if she can think about it to which i say no as i want a straight yes or no. finally she says no.

about ten mins later she emails me to say she cant go out with me because she's scared it will go wrong. i email her back to say i dont feel the same way but i think it will be ok. she does not reply.

this was a month ago. i went on holiday for a couple of weeks, she was off for a week. there was an office drinks do on friday which she went to and i had hoped something might happen there but i decided not to do anything and slipped out early.

what do you think? worth another shot? or have i left it too long.

 

[flashpoint]

she felt the need to explain herself to you, so you have not really been rejected. you just couldnt give her enough reason to go out with you.

now a month has passed and the whole situation might be different. only can find out if you talk to her. do that, say you were thinkin of her, you really want to get to know her, and wanna make friends first though (no pressure) and see where it goes. or something like that.

generally if she doesnt outright reject you or show clear signs of disinterest, there is no need to pull out. just adjust your tactics and be patient.

 

[Who Dares Win]

A woman which is interested would make anything possible to "make it happen" wheter is to lie or take risks.

When a woman comes with logical reason for not doing it, it means that she is simply not interested and is trying to leave the situation in the softest way possible.
Do you think that her friend and her were to meet some hot surfers on their way to cancun they would tell them that its better to avoid it because of the risk it could go wrong?
Her logical reason is simply to reject you without creating any problem or drama since you both work in the same place and she has to keep a low profile.

In this moment the odds are against you but if you really like this girl and wanna give her a shot anyway feel free to risk it, however to improve the chance of success you have to increase your value.
You can increase your general value through your personal value (your look, social position, social skills etc) or your perceived value (being seing with a hot girl around automatically push you up).

If I were you I wouldnt bet too much on it but I wish you good luck anyway.

 

[BeDJ]

She has very low interest in you, as she rejected your date offer. You have known her for a year, she is not going to magically change her impression of you. By saying NO instead of maybe, she is doing you a favor by not stringing you along a possibly flaking and making the situation awkward at work. Going to the company gathering with drinks should have been a clear indicator of her (non)interest. I'm sure the conversation did not go as planned if you talked to her otherwise you would have not dipped early. If you continue chasing, you will be disappointed

 

[sylvester the cat]

just to add:

she had been giving plenty of IOIs up to the point of me asking her out.
she admitted she liked me when i asked her out.
she said if i'd asked her out earlier she probably would have said yes.
i didn't talk to her at the drinks do as she was engaged in conversation with some other dude which she looked pretty engrossed in.
mu social position at work is pretty high. i'm probably the most intelligent, best looking, most educated, articulate and funniest.

i must also add i am 39 and she is 24. could this be a factor?

 

[Who Dares Win]

just to add:

she had been giving plenty of IOIs up to the point of me asking her out.
she admitted she liked me when i asked her out.
she said if i'd asked her out earlier she probably would have said yes.
i didn't talk to her at the drinks do as she was engaged in conversation with some other dude which she looked pretty engrossed in.
mu social position at work is pretty high. i'm probably the most intelligent, best looking, most educated, articulate and funniest.

i must also add i am 39 and she is 24. could this be a factor?

We gave you an honest opinion, you can add as many details as you want but despite your desire, the odds are still against you.

 

[sylvester the cat]

We gave you an honest opinion, you can add as many details as you want but despite your desire, the odds are still against you.

ok cool. my gut tells me to leave it also so that is what i shall do.

 

[BeDJ]

ok cool. my gut tells me to leave it also so that is what i shall do.

Sh!t this got resolved in what? 10 minutes? Why can't all new members be like you?

 

[sylvester the cat]

Sh!t this got resolved in what? 10 minutes? Why can't all new members be like you?

the situation is not resolved. i'm just resolved not to do anything.

for sure when i walk in that office that tension will still be there...as it has been since we both found out we liked each other back in december.

i bought her some bangles whilst on holiday in india. i havent given them to her yet. do you think i should? or would that make me look like i'm trying to kiss her ass?

 

[BeDJ]

just to add:
mu social position at work is pretty high. i'm probably the most intelligent, best looking, most educated, articulate and funniest.

Ask yourself-

Should a man with these qualities be the one desperately pursuing?

Can I find this girl's good attributes in another one?

You are overvaluing this girl, stop.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Ask yourself-

Should a man with these qualities be the one desperately pursuing?

Can I find this girl's good attributes in another one?

You are overvaluing this girl, stop.

ok. i'll stop although i have to say i've been around the block a couple of times and i've only met a handful that did anything for me. shes one of them.

 

[flashpoint]

seriously i cant see the problem with having a little chit chat with her, giving her what you have bought for her (guess because you were thinking of her and do like her) and then steer the conversation in a direction where she can hang out with you. if she says no, she says no. well you obviously wont ask thrice, but other than that what is the big deal? we are not in highschool anymore and who gives a sh!t about how high her interest level is.

now you might think that you will look like a fool if you do that and she says no, but then so be it. you are a man, she is a woman, these things do happen. no shame in this. and after all it is more important how you think of yourself than how others do. you are a hotshot at this place, right? so she should be happy you ask, and if she is not - her loss.

plus if you dont do something it is like hundert percent sure nothing will happen. you take action then there is a 50% chance she is receptive (or is there another option besides yes or no?), the chances that this will lead to something substantial are surely less than that but nevertheless bigger than zero. so where is there even a question unless you fear problems at your workplace.

 

[sylvester the cat]

seriously i cant see the problem with having a little chit chat with her, giving her what you have bought for her (guess because you were thinking of her and do like her) and then stear the conversation in a direction where she can hang out with you. if she says no, she says no. well you obviously wont ask trice, but other than that what is the big deal? we are not in highschool anymore and who gives a sh!t about how high her interest level is.

now you might think that you will look like a fool if you do that and she says no, but then so be it. you are a man, she is a woman, this things do happen. no shame in this. and after all it is more important how you think of yourself than how others do. you are a hotshot at this place, right? so she should be happy you ask, and if she is not - her loss.

plus if you dont do something it is like hundert percent sure nothing will happen. you take action then there is a 50% chance she is receptive (or is there another option besides yes or no?), the chances that this will lead to something substantial are surely less than that but nevertheless bigger than zero. so where is there even a question unless you fear problems at your workplace.

well that makes sense too.

so now i'm more confused than when i started. lol.

 

[flashpoint]

well that makes sense too.

so now i'm more confused than when i started. lol.

come on. what do you want? seriously. if you dont know, ask your heart, ask your d!ck and then use your brain to act upon it.

note: that is just my opinion.

 

[BeDJ]

seriously i cant see the problem with having a little chit chat with her, giving her what you have bought for her (guess because you were thinking of her and do like her) and then stear the conversation in a direction where she can hang out with you. if she says no, she says no. well you obviously wont ask trice, but other than that what is the big deal? we are not in highschool anymore and who gives a sh!t about how high her interest level is.

now you might think that you will look like a fool if you do that and she says no, but then so be it. you are a man, she is a woman, this things do happen. no shame in this. and after all it is more important how you think of yourself than how others do. you are a hotshot at this place, right? so she should be happy you ask, and if she is not - her loss.

plus if you dont do something it is like hundert percent sure nothing will happen. you take action then there is a 50% chance she is receptive (or is there another option besides yes or no?), the chances that this will lead to something substantial are surely less than that but nevertheless bigger than zero. so where is there even a question unless you fear problems at your workplace.

This goes far beyond getting her out on a date. Sylvester gives her the gift and she will probably be obligated to accept the date offer. On the date, Sylvester displays how awesome of a guy he is (which she already knows since A YEAR AGO.) She feels uncomfortable because her gut told her so months ago by rejecting him. Sylvester comforts her.

We are back at square one, Sylvester will always be pursuing. That is his mindset. Everything he does revolves around her, the game has already been lost.

 

[sylvester the cat]

come on. what do you want? seriously. if you dont know, ask your heart, ask your d!ck and then use your brain to act upon it.

note: that is just my opinion.

i know what i want. i want the girl. i acted upon it and asked her out. she said no. although she muddied things a little by saying she was scared it would go wrong...almost as if she was trying to give me some glimmer of hope or something. or a carrot.

@ BegginningDJ - so i shouldnt give her the bangles? or can i give them to her without expecting a date in return? the last thing i want is a sympathy date or for her to think i'm trying to buy her. i genuinely wanted to get her something.

 

[flashpoint]

This goes far beyond getting her out on a date. Sylvester gives her the gift and she will probably be obligated to accept the date offer. On the date, Sylvester displays how awesome of a guy he is (which she already knows since A YEAR AGO.) She feels uncomfortable because her gut told her so months ago by rejecting him. Sylvester comforts her.

We are back at square one, Sylvester will always be pursuing. That is his mindset. Everything he does revolves around her, the game has already been lost.

the deer in the woods wont be lost when you pursue. in fact quite the contrary: you sneak up, aim and take a shot. u miss - bad luck. u hit - good for you. my point is you cant stop trying just because you might miss.

but of course you are right when you are warning about coming from a place of weakness. he shows too much that he wants her and the whole dynamic will change and slap him in the face. but i think with a take it or leave it attitude you can avoid that.

now the gift is kind of a problem, but ... i am a friend of the concept of radical honesty and if you did buy it for her it seems silly to me not to give it to her. it is just the way it is. a nice little gift (nothing big), i have been thinking about you, want to get to know you better outside the workplace. if it doesnt work out, we still can be friends. and that would really be the attitude i'd approach this with. because if she isnt even ready for this then why even bother. there ARE other girls out there.

edit: you could give her the little something on the date as a surprise. so it has less of a buying her time feeling to it.

 

[Deep Dish]

It appears you lost the momentum, by waiting too long, and once the momentum is lost, you might as well have a snowball’s chance in scorching hell. Windows of opportunities are generally very short and there’s a more than favorable chance she’s banging a guy right now. You might be the most intelligent, best looking, most highly educated, articulate and funniest guy around her, but perception of value is more important than objective reality, and you may have lost value.

The bigger the age gap, the stronger game you need. Women are optimally attracted to men only two years older than themselves, and, though it does happen, a gap of 15 years is hard to overcome.

 

[BeDJ]

This girl knows that you are pursuing her. She is in control and we'll assume that she still likes you. Let's reset the situation. I need your FULL cooperation.

INDIFFERENCE

Next time you run into her, say I have something to show you. Take out the bangle.....Ready for this?

I got this from India. Do you think this will be a good present for my niece's birthday? She's 10.

She will think, WTH I thought he was going to give that to me. Did he lose interest in me?

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER. Don't respond to her unless it is business related. This is NOT a quick solution, it'll take a few weeks. You've already waited a year so this won't hurt one bit. She will be dying for your attention because she thought she had you in the palm of her hands. When you run into her just smile and answer vaguely. Keep that head of hers spinning and let her emotions break her down. It will take time, but eventually she will cave. Follow-through is important.

Indifference does 2 things

1) Puts you in control

2) Keeps her wandering

He who cares least - wins.

 

[sylvester the cat]

This girl knows that you are pursuing her. She is in control and we'll assume that she still likes you. Let's reset the situation. I need your FULL cooperation.

INDIFFERENCE

Next time you run into her, say I have something to show you. Take out the bangle.....Ready for this?

I got this from India. Do you think this will be a good present for my niece's birthday? She's 10.

She will think, WTH I thought he was going to give that to me. Did he lose interest in me?

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HER. Don't respond to her unless it is business related. This is NOT a quick solution, it'll take a few weeks. You've already waited a year so this won't hurt one bit. She will be dying for your attention because she thought she had you in the palm of her hands. When you run into her just smile and answer vaguely. Keep that head of hers spinning and let her emotions break her down. It will take time, but eventually she will cave. Follow-through is important.

Indifference does 2 things

1) Puts you in control

2) Keeps her wandering

He who cares least - wins.

ok. athough apart from a polite smile in the hallway i haven't spoken to or made any contact with her since i asked her out a month ago.

i'll definitely continue with the no contact thing and maybe i'll do the bangle thing but only if the opportunity to do so arises - i won't approach her to do so. to be honest when i slipped out from the bar early i had hoped that she hoped i would approach her thus producing the same 'i thought i had him in the palm of my hands' kind of feeling.