Should I ask "Why?"

[JLW]

My girlfriend broke up with me.

When it first happened it really took me by surprise.

She basically give me a short speech about how how gradually her interests have dropped, and over spring break she "didn't really miss me that much" and thought that "it was kind of nice to be away from me"

So I said, "Okay. Well then are we breaking up?"

she replied, "I don't know"

I said to her, "Okay, well how about we take a break for a few weeks and see what happens? If you're still not feeling it then we'll break up. If we end up missing each other we'll get back together."

and she said, "I don't really think we should do that."

so I said a little impatiently, "So....then we are breaking up?"

and she said, "Yeah, I guess so."

So I said, "Okay, well I really like you a lot. I don't really want to break up with you. I think you're fun to be around. But if that's how you feel, then I guess that's what we should do."

She replied, "Wow, you're taking this really well." She was crying at this point.

And I said, "Well I'm certainly not happy about it but it's not like I'll be able to convince you to stay with me or anything. I guess there isn't really much else to say..."

She tried to hug me goodbye and I said, "I don't really feel it would be appropriate that we hug..."

And with that we parted ways. Her with tears in her eyes.

This was a 2 and a half year relationship. It ended abruptly and a little unexpectedly for me. This 1-minute long discussion ended our 2.5 year relationship.

My response was really short and succinct because I honestly didn't know how to react. I was VERY surprised and shocked by the way she brought it up.

Now I'm a little bit curious as to WHY she broke up with me. I can speculate and guess a couple reasons based on fundamental differences we were having in the relationship. There were certain recurring things that really bothered me about her and got on my nerves. There were other things that I did that got on her nerves, as well.

It was basically a pile-up of a bunch of small things that kept on coming up.

But I guess I would like to ask HER what the reasons were so I can get some closure on the matter.

I'm really not sure if it's worth my while.

On one hand I kind of know the reasons why: she didn't like certain aspects of my personality, and she knew they were not going to change. I didn't like certain aspects of her personality, and I knew they weren't going to change, but I was willing to give it some time (stupid on my part). The somewhat quick change could also be that she simply met some other guy, which is also possible.

On the other hand, I really would like to know the reason WHY, I mean it has been 2.5 years, I feel like I should ask. I think it would just make me feel a little bit better on the subject.

Obviously I'm a bit depressed but I'm trying to learn from where I went wrong. There were a few mistakes that I can learn from, and I know some things to look out for with the next girl.

So what do you think, should I ask her WHY we broke up? Or should I not even waste my time?

 

[Tesl]

Depends on your own state of mind. If you are ready to move on already and aren't too emotionally invested, asking would be fine. Otherwise I'd try and get her out of your mind as fast as possible and go NC.

Since its been a 2 and a half year relationship, I'd be suprised if you didn't still have strong feelings for this girl. In which case I'd probably not worry about it and try to start the healing process. The more contact you have after splitting up the harder it will be to get over her and move on.

 

[Lexington]

You're not going to get a satisfactory answer. I guarantee it.

Heck, it's unlikely that you'll even get a truthful answer. I'm not saying she's going to lie, but girls will find strange rationalizations that don't make sense to anyone but themselves. The bottom line is, she's thinking with her feelings. Her feelings for you have changed and there's no point in trying to find an explanation why. Whatever she tells you, you'll be left with more questions.

You seem to already have a decent idea of why it didn't work out. You said there were things you both disliked about each other's personalities and that they are unlikely to change. So this relationship was probably headed for the rocks anyway. Whenever one partner initiates a breakup like this and it didn't come after a huge fight or wrongdoing on someone's part, that's a bad sign.

I'd advise you to just move on. I know it sucks after 2.5 years, but honestly there's nothing else you can do. Cut off contact with her and disappear completely out of her life. It's going to be tough and this question of "why" will bug you, but realize that there is no satisfactory answer. Focus on your hobbies, spend more time with your friends and keep yourself busy.

Chances are, she'll start to wonder why you didn't try to contact her and she will attempt to contact you. She might at this point give you some sort of explanation and that's probably the best explanation you can get. But it's not going to be satisfactory. At this point, I'd urge you to proceed with a lot of caution. There are lots of red flags for the long term future of this relationship based on what you have said. So you'd need to think long and hard if you want to get back with this girl.

 

[Falcon25]

She will never tell you the real reason. But she will give you an idea. But go ahead and ask. What have you got to lose? Make sure you approach it unemotional "just wondering, what made you want to end things?". She will says "I don't know". She just feels it. You want a logical explanation. Not gonna get it. It's very hard to hear at first, that's a long time, but try to keep your head up and your confidence strong. Sometimes, people just go different ways. It's life. Don't get jaded, and don't beat yourself up, cause the next girl may be a better girl.

 

[JLW]

I guess the problem is that I still have a strong emotional investment in this girl.

If she called me up tomorrow and said, "I want to get back together with you", there is an 85% chance I would say no, unless she gave me some VERY good reasons. My heart still is in love with her. But my brain says that it just was not meant to be.

I mean, this break up kind of made it obvious to me that things were not working out in the long-run. After 2 and a half years, you kind of have to start considering, "is this girl the one for me? Is she marriage material?"

I don't think she was the right "marriage material" girl for me.

However, it bothers me. The abrupt break-up.

She brought up the possibility of the break-up a few months before, but we kind of agreed not to. Over the past 3-4 months, we have grown apart in a very subtle way, and it culminated in this two-minute long discussion, and break-up.

It's like a really really close family member dying with no expectation of it happening. There may have been slight hints of it, but it's like an unexpected death in the family.


I guess I just want to ask her for the sake of closure. She's very rational as far as girls go. That does not mean she would give me the real answer, but it does mean she is a little bit more likely to.

It's hard ending a 2.5 year relationship with no real reason why.

To be honest, I accept the failure of the relationship. I can see why it failed. But I just want to know what her reasons were. I want to know so that I can get "satisfaction" of knowing what I did wrong, so I know for next time....

But at the same time, I agree with some of you guys. I think it will just make things difficult. Making contact with this girl will be emotionally difficult for me. And I might not get a "real" answer in the first place.

Despite ME being the one who got dumped, I feel like I answered to her very strongly. I didn't plead for her to stay with me. I didn't say "I can change", I didn't lash out or yell at her. I did it in a very honorable way, or at least I like to think so.

 

[The Greek]

Sure, you reacted in the right manner, but that's the least to be expected by someone who frequents here. I don't think "closure" will help you. I also don't think her giving you a laundry list of what you did wrong will help, because women don't conceptualise on relationships the same way people on this website do. Rather than give her a free shot on the nuts by asking her this, you should ignore her and not give a f*ck. She will respect that far more and you will establish good habits.

 

[The Greek]

She brought up the possibility of the break-up a few months before, but we kind of agreed not to. Over the past 3-4 months, we have grown apart in a very subtle way, and it culminated in this two-minute long discussion, and break-up.

.

BTW this should have been a huge red flag. You're probably lucky that this girl brought up the break up, and if she's lost interest for so long, she probably has a replacement ready and could have fvcked with your head hardcore.

 

[Kailex]

Brother... don't you DARE go back to this girl. She is TROUBLE.

I guess the problem is that I still have a strong emotional investment in this girl.

And just like investments in the financial world, we win some and we lose some. This one you LOST in the SHORT TERM, but I foresee a GAIN in your life in the LONG TERM. Stop worrying about how invested you are in a person... there are MANY more women to invest the pen!s stock into.

If she called me up tomorrow and said, "I want to get back together with you", there is an 85% chance I would say no, unless she gave me some VERY good reasons. My heart still is in love with her. But my brain says that it just was not meant to be.

Well tell your heart to stop being a dumbass and tell your brain to get coordinated with that hanging piece of meat between your legs to go out and do some good in this world. It's time to give the ladies in your surrounding area a taste of what you have to offer. She broke up with YOU. She's not going to come BACK unless the next guy she is screwing decides he doesn't want to bang her anymore. Are you sure you want to be the guy she comes back to after someone else inserted his sliver in her?

I mean, this break up kind of made it obvious to me that things were not working out in the long-run. After 2 and a half years, you kind of have to start considering, "is this girl the one for me? Is she marriage material?"

I don't think she was the right "marriage material" girl for me.

However, it bothers me. The abrupt break-up.

She brought up the possibility of the break-up a few months before, but we kind of agreed not to. Over the past 3-4 months, we have grown apart in a very subtle way, and it culminated in this two-minute long discussion, and break-up.

Wait... how was the break-up abrupt? You just said that a few months before she had brought up the possibility. Brother, she had already laid down the GROUNDWORK for a break-up. In her mind, there was already another branch to swing to and you were just there for her because you were the SAFE CHOICE. Nothing is abrupt when it comes to women. If she had mentioned it before, it's because the relationship was doomed already. As soon as a woman says: Maybe we should bre....

You don't even let that woman FINISH HER SENTENCE. You gather your crap together and you LEAVE and never look back. You wasted 3 to 4 months of you life in a relationship that went COLD. 3 to 4 months!!! That's not abrupt... it's a PROCESS.

It's like a really really close family member dying with no expectation of it happening. There may have been slight hints of it, but it's like an unexpected death in the family.

If by unexpected, you mean that family member who everyone knew had terminal cancer and the doctor had given them 4 months to live... then yes, very unexpected.

I guess I just want to ask her for the sake of closure. She's very rational as far as girls go. That does not mean she would give me the real answer, but it does mean she is a little bit more likely to.

No she's NOT. She broke up with you which means that there is a 99% chance that she will tell you that the fault is all HERS, that she's not ready to commit to you... and she will give you the run around. You do NOT need closure from this.

You already know that she broke up with you and that's all you need to know. You do not need to rationalize this or get any sense of logic out of it. All you need to know is that now you are FREE from this hostage situation you called a relationship.

It's hard ending a 2.5 year relationship with no real reason why.

To be honest, I accept the failure of the relationship. I can see why it failed. But I just want to know what her reasons were. I want to know so that I can get "satisfaction" of knowing what I did wrong, so I know for next time....

Contradictions abound in your statements, AGAIN. There's no reason why? But then you immediately say... I can see why it failed. What are you looking for then? Do you just want to ask her to see if your conclusions match hers? WHY? I'm sorry my man, but asking her will bring nothing good. And if anything, it brings you closer to AFC-dom. What happens when she doesn't give you a straight answer? What happens if the answer isn't to your liking? What happens if on the off chance she actually is very BLUNT about what it was?

FORGET that. Move on. You don't need answers.
You just need to... MOVE... THE... EFF... ON.

But at the same time, I agree with some of you guys. I think it will just make things difficult. Making contact with this girl will be emotionally difficult for me. And I might not get a "real" answer in the first place.

Despite ME being the one who got dumped, I feel like I answered to her very strongly. I didn't plead for her to stay with me. I didn't say "I can change", I didn't lash out or yell at her. I did it in a very honorable way, or at least I like to think so.

You aren't a samurai. This isn't about whether something was honorable to her. Forget her. She won't be the last girl in your life, and you won't be the last penis in hers. If all of that was truly said already, then what else needs to be said between you and her. It's done. It's over.

Enjoy being single!!!

 

[Chromeo]

Dont ask, she cant tell you why anyway. Somewhere along the line her interest level went down. Whatever she tells you is probably just gonna make you insecure about it. So just move on

 

[starplayer]

To be honest, I accept the failure of the relationship. I can see why it failed. But I just want to know what her reasons were. I want to know so that I can get "satisfaction" of knowing what I did wrong, so I know for next time....

This "satisfaction" is just your ego wanting closure. The reason she broke up is because she isn't attracted to you anymore. Girls will very rarely be direct and come right out and say it.

As for knowing what to do next time, well that's what this place is for.

Don't ever go back to her after this. You will regret it.


Stay strong.

 

[JLW]

you guys are 100% right. There is no reason to ask why, because i won't get the REAL reasons from her, and I can figure out the problems by simply analyzing the relationship a little bit.

I thought about certain hints that I realize were major red flags looking back.

By the way, I was NEVER considering going back to her, even when I started this thread. I said the only way I would is if she gave me some REALLY good reasons/explanations. But after 2 days I realize that any explanation or reason she gives will never be good enough to get back together with her.

I have learned a lot from this experience. Even though I really feel like crap and I miss her a lot, I know that this was for the best. It was never going to work out.

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

[kingsam]

When in a RL, two things happen
1- you either split up
2- you get married (you even said she wasn’t marriage material)
So this time you got the better result!

This is a good example of when a girl breaks up with you shes been “feeling it” (the break up) for a while, but they don’t immediately dump you, they stick around in a (misguided attempt to find the feelings they had at the start of the RL)

She basically give me a short speech about how how gradually her interests have dropped, and over spring break she "didn't really miss me that much" and thought that "it was kind of nice to be away from me"

She basically has told you (as honestly as you’d get) … gradual loss of interest… …you prob know many of the reasons, also its very easy for guys to stop doing all the challenge, mystery (which women think is romance!)…etc…etc… which over time gradually lowers a girls interest level…

If your in your 20’s then you also were probably just going in different directions, most of us don’t settle down till the earliest 30y/o.

Time will heal that broken heart, and as said before, DON’T GO BACK!
The way to get over it is to stay busy (hobbies, going out, gym , work, socialising), and hustling other numbers…

 

[JLW]

hey kingsam,

Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I've learned a lot from examining where I went wrong and hopefully I can get it better for the next girl.

I became very complacent and "comfortable" in the relationship, for sure. I think that was my overall demise. She just wasn't excited by me anymore. The relationship went stale.

Maybe I should make a new thread, but how would you go about maintaining mystery and "romance" even through very very long relationships?

 

[kingsam]

sorry people to advertise another website (its to help!) but go to askmen.com
read the Doc love articles
(yes he comes across hard to the guys - its tough love ...)
Doc love is about RL's not just hooking up... being a better man - a DJ!
he says something VERY TRUE - "any guy can get a woman to fall in love wiht them , its keeping her in love that is the hard part" (and he interviewed women on "wha is the guy you ended up with like" - not the typical crap "what do you look for in a woman")
ok not every guy can get women but most can , but loads of people start RL's and it ends quickly...etc

go and read, if you like what he says then get the book, i have DL's book , its great book IMO, its a good referance book...
and i can deal with women no prob, always know where i stand, can spot the "bad ones" to drop and spot the good ones

his "3 C's"
-challenge,
-self-control
-self-confidence
go in with a woman SLOWly with these 3 C's, spoon feed your self and she wont get bored...
all of this will be in lots of detail in the hundreds of articles there...

what he teaches is being a DJ, not just a horny PUA, so this fits with Sosuave PERFECTLY !
you can also direclty use this stuff for more casual affairs as well!

its very similar to ANTI-DUMPS stuff