Response to "Girls With Mainly Guy Friends" - Why confronting her doesnt work

[TheException]

Great thread and discussion going on here. Be sure to check it out.

Ignore all the bickering about whether the purpose of the thread is about "having guy friends" or "mainly guy friends"....for the most part, both situations are more similar than different and should be treated the same way.

On to the good stuff....

The OP poses a very interesting question. He has been in a trend of dating women who have a lot of "guy friends" and he admits it makes him insecure/jealous and prevents him from moving forward in the relationship. This is a problem for 90% of guys. It goes back to our biology and is an emotional response to "protecting our love interest" from other men. Ages ago, women would theoretically sleep around with a whole bunch of different men in order to gain their allegiance and protection. This "jealousy" process....was a way to prevent a woman from doing this. A man would scare off other men to the point that the woman would not be able to find another partner. The man achieves trust and faithfulness from his woman. BUT......we dont have that problem in society anymore. Of course there are going to be the "nay sayer" members who want to claim the vast majority of women cheat or that any woman would cheat if she had the chance.....but this simply is not the case. Can women cheat? Is there a possibility my own girlfriend can cheat? Any man would be a fool to hold the stance that a "certain woman" is incapable of cheating. Any woman can cheat at any time. Which brings me to my main point.....IF A WOMAN WANTS TO CHEAT.....SHE WILL FIND A WAY TO CHEAT.

1. STOP THINKING THAT CAGING IN YOUR WOMAN WILL PREVENT CHEATING
There is the school of thought that thinks if they simply limit the male exposure that their girlfriend has....THIS will prevent her from cheating......False. There is nothing a man can do to prevent a woman from cheating. If she is a wh0re and wants to cheat, she will. Period. You could chain her up in the basement and she would Harry Houdini that sh1t and suck the first c0ck she sees if she wanted to.

You need to learn that women will have other male's in their life. Guys in class, "guy friends", their friends boyfriends, random guys at the bar, guys at work, etc. Shes going to be exposed to other men...and guess what? These guys WILL HIT ON HER. There is nothing you can do. So stop trying to confront your girlfriend and say things like "I really dont like that you have "guy friends". I think its disrespectful". Instead........

2. JUST DUMP HER
Every man has his own standards. It doesnt matter whether they are based on principle, fear, insecurity, logic, etc. Every man has an idea of whats acceptable behavior and whats not. Its not black and white and what one guy is bothered by....another may not. Now....I certainly believe that having standards based in "fear" or "insecurity" is a bad thing and severely detrimental to your growth as a man. There is a "shaming crowd" on sosuave that likes to jump at any opportunity where you dare call out a guy for being insecure and fearful. Just realize....they are endorsing men acting out of fear or emotional insecurity. I will not. I cannot. I find that absolutely repulsive and cannot find one good reason to act like that. In sports....its equivalent to the kid who hope he never gets in the game because he is nervous and scared that he will "screw up".... he would rather remain on the bench.

All that being said....those are MY standards and beliefs. I think every man would benefit from adopting similar views but that is not for me to decide. YOU decide whether to remain fearful or to overcome your issues. The bottom line is....IF SHE DOES NOT MEET YOUR STANDARDS....DUMP HER. Its better than to sit there and constantly worry about what she might be doing with her friends.

3. WHAT IS THERE REALLY TO BE FEARFUL OF?
If you have been cheated on.....you know exactly what there is to fear. But alas....you cannot take that one experience and transfer it to all the other women and make blanket statements. The main reasons modern women cheat in what I think is the order of prevalence:

-Woman is a wh0re/low quality
-Woman is no longer attracted to boyfriend(looking to branch swing)
-Woman finds new alpha male and is seduced away from her boyfriend
-Woman just "got drunk" and "it happened"
-Woman cheats with "guy friend"

The bottom 3 are less than 10% of the total. They dont happen often but still can happen. The top 2 are the main reasons. Either the woman is garbage and you as a man tolerate her or your relationship is in the dumps for a variety of reasons and she is looking to get out.

There is alot on this subject that can be found in evolutionary psychology. I think the majority of guys here have had very bad experiences and although these experiences should definitely be shared.....they should not be the basis for "general advice" when it comes to women. They are the outliers and certainly not the norm. Just wanted to go into detail with this post and really lay out my mindset and where I come from. I would love to further explain any point, clarify a point, or even debate a point if I think it will actually lead to a good discussion.

 

[zekko]

I don't really see the need for a new thread, but whatever.

First off, I agree with your first point. If a girl wants to cheat on you, she will, no matter what you say.

However, here is my quibble. I have certain expectations of a woman if she is going to qualify to be my girlfriend. One of them is that she does not meet up with other males for one on one outings. I don't care if she Facebooks, texts, or talks to other males - like you say, that is going to happen. But I draw the line at one on one meetings - to me, that may as well be emotional cheating.

I have found confronting girls about this to be quite successful for me - provided she was actually interested in being my girlfriend. If a girl has high interest, I've found that she will do practically anything to win that position that she covets. In fact, I've even had girls say to me "I would do anything for you, Zekko".

The thing is, if she isn't at that point of high interest in you, then you probably shouldn't want to be exclusive with her in the first place. And if she is, she will most likely not object to shaking loose a clinging orbiter or two.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Edit: It looks like zekko and I posted at the same time.

OP, you're forgetting one very important dynamic. That is the fact that most women are prone to emotional attachments/cheating.

I think that this is the core of what bothers men so much. Women are emotional leaves in the wind for the most part, and will do the most abhorrent things because it "felt right" in the moment. This is their inherent weakness and most men either know this or intuit it.

Combine this with their inherent lack of an internal moral compass, and you can see why men often carry these concerns.

The societal pressures that used to guide and maintain women's behavior are all but vanished today, and the result is that they are confused and unable to even comprehend living by principle. They need boundaries and parameters set for them by men, and this is lacking in our society, mainly because of men's fear of rejection.

Men usually cheat physically, women usually cheat emotionally. Once the genie of emotional cheating is out of the bottle, it's game over.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I agree with the OP 100%
I'm lucky that my girlfriend has very strong feelings about cheating - and that's not to say I'm naive enough to believe she never would.
But the few times she has gone out with friends, I've trained myself not to give a fvck.
As the OP says, if your girl is going to cheat, she'll find a way no matter how much you try to shield her from other men.
My philosophy is that if she cheats, she's gone and I can book a trip straight to Vegas.
I also assume the persona with her that I don't see other men as competition. She's quite attractive and gets hit on all the time. It used to bother me to the point that I was losing sleep.
Now I'm much more calm, have minimum stress and couldn't give a shyt who she hangs out with or talks to.
Because if I catch her doing anything untoward, I'm quite happy to be rid of another failed candidate for my time, attention and affection.
I must add that she doesn't exhibit any kind of slvtty behaviour which does help my confidence immensely.

I'm not saying there should be no boundaries. If you have them (see Desdinova's thread in the Mature Man forum), then she should respect you and the relationship enough to adhere to them.

I've simply chosen a different tack which I find far less stressful.

 

[TheException]

However, here is my quibble. I have certain expectations of a woman if she is going to qualify to be my girlfriend. One of them is that she does not meet up with other males for one on one outings. I don't care if she Facebooks, texts, or talks to other males - like you say, that is going to happen. But I draw the line at one on one meetings - to me, that may as well be emotional cheating.

I have found confronting girls about this to be quite successful for me - provided she was actually interested in being my girlfriend. If a girl has high interest, I've found that she will do practically anything to win that position that she covets. In fact, I've even had girls say to me "I would do anything for you, Zekko".

Good points throughout and I dont object.

I have similar standards and think 1 on 1 with another guy is mainly inappropriate. That being said....I was out with a client the other day and my girlfriend had a guy from class over. He essentially gave her all the homework answers for nothing like a good little beta orbiter. I came over said "what's up" and got right to cooking some food right in front of both of them. I didnt care.

So I think saying "NO 1 ON 1 TIME WITH ANY OTHER GUY" is inappropriate for certain times. Im almost willing to bet you would be alright with this as well.....but a lot of men on here would not be. There is a big difference between one on one time to study and do homework and one on one time to go out drinking or to a party.

 

[TheException]

OP, you're forgetting one very important dynamic. That is the fact that most women are prone to emotional attachments/cheating.

Men usually cheat physically, women usually cheat emotionally. Once the genie of emotional cheating is out of the bottle, it's game over.

They are emotional creatures. But what do you think is easier or more tempting to do....cheat physically or cheat emotionally?

To me its clear that cheating physically is a lot easier to do. I....can get drunk...see a hott woman at the bar.....take her home, fvck her....and still go home and be in love with my girlfriend. Literally all it takes for a man to cheat....is a good looking woman and weak willpower. Whereas a woman has to emotionally disconnect from her current partner AND THEN have a new guy flip the right switches. If you think women are prone to cheating and are vulnerable to such.....then youd have to as well think men are even bigger cheaters and find it much harder to resist cheating than women find it.

I think that this is the core of what bothers men so much. Women are emotional leaves in the wind for the most part, and will do the most abhorrent things because it "felt right" in the moment. This is their inherent weakness and most men either know this or intuit it.

Combine this with their inherent lack of an internal moral compass, and you can see why men often carry these concerns.

1. Its not a woman's emotional vulnerability that bothers men...its their own fears and doubts.

2. A moral compass is a very subjective term. I for one....dont really believe in "a moral compass". I really do whats in the best interest for myself and the ones I care about(aka survival instincts) and dont judge others for doing the same. If a woman is dating a chump and she realizes this.....her monkey branch swinging to other dude is not "immoral" to me.....its simply upgrading.

 

[TheException]

But the few times she has gone out with friends, I've trained myself not to give a fvck.

My philosophy is that if she cheats, she's gone and I can book a trip straight to Vegas.

I also assume the persona with her that I don't see other men as competition.

She's quite attractive and gets hit on all the time. It used to bother me to the point that I was losing sleep.

Now I'm much more calm, have minimum stress and couldn't give a shyt who she hangs out with or talks to.

Because if I catch her doing anything untoward, I'm quite happy to be rid of another failed candidate for my time, attention and affection.

Signs a man is "the prize" ^

Excellent mindset Greasy....it truly is optimal.

 

[zekko]

That being said....I was out with a client the other day and my girlfriend had a guy from class over. He essentially gave her all the homework answers for nothing like a good little beta orbiter. I came over said "what's up" and got right to cooking some food right in front of both of them. I didnt care.

Yeah, for what it's worth I wouldn't have a problem with that either. Sounds like there's a solid reason for it and she has to complete her studies.

Whereas a woman has to emotionally disconnect from her current partner AND THEN have a new guy flip the right switches.

I don't agree with that part. You've never heard of a woman being torn between different lovers? I would say emotional cheating would be far easier than physical cheating. You wouldn't even need a shower.

 

[TheException]

I don't agree with that part. You've never heard of a woman being torn between different lovers? I would say emotional cheating would be far easier than physical cheating. You wouldn't even need a shower.

I think we were talking about two different things....

I now see what you are talking about and agree. However a big factor in preventing your woman from "emotional cheating" is to prevent "beta slip ups" on your own behalf. If your woman's interest is sky high.....she will not cheat on you for another man unless she is a wh0re and/or low quality.