Respect..

[randalll]

people think i don't respect myself enough, and that's why i'm not successful with women.

the worrying thing is i honestly thought i did, i mean, i don't take sh!t from anyone, like my ex, i cut all contact with her after she cheated, she tried to contact me afterwards but i didn't respond.

the old afc me might've done.

but when someone says 'you dont take yourself seriously'. what exactly could that mean?

could it mean i have low confidence? friends have told me that im not confident

women, after meeting me for the first time, will have me pinned as a nice guy, (they say im friendly - is that a good or bad thing?)

but i really dont know why they think im nice so soon

i think i've improved my confidence as much as i can, i've been working at it for over a year, i work out a lot, respect myself, and other people.. but still, im a nice guy.



thoughts/advice etc?

post it

thanks

randall

 

[Social Calibration]

I think that you might be scared of being edgy. Woman say that you're "friendly" usually when you're just the standard guy in the crowd. Which can be bad in attraction. Be the guy that's not afraid to immediately start joking and teasing her when you meet her.

By the way, not taking yourself too seriously is a GOOD thing. And when friends tell you that you're not confident how do you respond? I'd laugh and say, yeah right when you get to my level that's when you can start talking about confidence (not that I'm suggesting that but that's what I would personally say)

 

[randalll]

By the way, not taking yourself too seriously is a GOOD thing

are you really respecting yourself though if you don't take yourself seriously?

it seems as if you can't have it both ways. or if you can it's very difficult to get and rare to find someone with it.

the people who seem to get the most respect take themselves very seriously, they're laid back and confident, they'll never joke around etc

 

[oakraiderz2]

the people who seem to get the most respect take themselves very seriously, they're laid back and confident, they'll never joke around etc

Thats a contradiction. I dont take my self too seriously, but at the same time im laid back and confident and i joke around all the time. Maybe if you gave examples it might be easier to understand why people think of you this way.

 

[randalll]

an example: i know it's a mistake but i still do it sometimes:-

if im hanging around in a group and everyone is contributing except me, i get this feeling that im being boring, and i'll admit, i do get bothered about making bad impressions

(i know, i need to counteract this mindset, i've spent most of today repeating positive things in my mind instead of negative - which i've unconsciously been doing for years)

so maybe i'll start acting differently - not myself - my mind will take over the situation, thinking i'll be better off for it - funnier/smarter etc, and as it's not usually a positive mind my insecurity/anxiety, (that i've covered up in my mind instead of removed) will show.. that's how people see im not confident.


(i know i went off the point of the first post a bit but it's difficult to describe the link between this and being a nice guy - if you know a bit about psychology you'll probably understand why people think of me that way)




i'd really appreciate it if someone with a good understanding of psychology could explain the best way out of this.

thanks!

 

[oakraiderz2]

an example: i know it's a mistake but i still do it sometimes:-

if im hanging around in a group and everyone is contributing except me, i get this feeling that im being boring, and i'll admit, i do get bothered about making bad impressions

(i know, i need to counteract this mindset, i've spent most of today repeating positive things in my mind instead of negative - which i've unconsciously been doing for years)

so maybe i'll start acting differently - not myself - my mind will take over the situation, thinking i'll be better off for it - funnier/smarter etc, and as it's not usually a positive mind my insecurity/anxiety, (that i've covered up in my mind instead of removed) will show.. that's how people see im not confident.


(i know i went off the point of the first post a bit but it's difficult to describe the link between this and being a nice guy - if you know a bit about psychology you'll probably understand why people think of me that way)




i'd really appreciate it if someone with a good understanding of psychology could explain the best way out of this.

thanks!

I dont see why someone would think you dont take yourself seriously from that example. What about an example of when they said it to you? What were you doing? What was the scenario?

 

[randalll]

oakraiderz, i cant remember exactly what i've done in previous encounters with people, and it's been a while since someone said i don't take myself seriously..

but i feel like i am being talked down to/patronized sometimes

people don't talk down to me because of the way they are, but because of the way i am

i'll admit im naive sometimes, and when i am, people can see i have low confidence/anxiety. if i say something strange in a group of 3-4 people...

a girl might say.. "aw i love you randall"

basically what she means is "i think you're cute/naive/harmless and i want to give you a hug"

this kills my confidence and puts me back on square one





EDIT: someone who i thought was a good friend has just called me 'a fvcking loser' over the internet.

i basically asked him if he wanted to hang out, he replied asking me what i was doing, i got stuck for words and just started thinking out loud what i was wanting to do.

and he just calls me a loser over and over again.

if i was assertive that wouldn't have happened

i always KNOW when ive made a mistake, (although i definately didnt deserve that abuse) but i never seem to learn from them


feel so down right now, i think i'm becoming quite hateful of humans.

rant over

 

[Unprez]

be more rude ****head ( <-- eg in itself )

 

[randalll]

i don't wanna lower myself to his level

 

[Igetit!]

i don't wanna lower myself to his level

Well,let me ask you this: Do you put yourself first in your life? Or do you put the needs and concerns of other ahead of yourself? It's ok to be considerate and respectful of other,but NOT at the expense of yourself and your own happiness. I had a friend who was like that. He always put other people's wants and feelings ahead of him own......and he was miserable. Boy,that dude was miserable. Angry,bitter,and on the outside,he always appeared to be happy-go-lucky. People would ask him to do things that he didn't really want to do,and he'd do them anyway for fear over upsetting them,and when they didn't recipricate,he'd become enraged with anger.

Do you ever say "no" when someone ask you a favor? I don't mean do you say it to be rude or anything,but do you say it when their request will be an inconvienance to you and your life. If you are constantly trying to please people,then this may be one reason why women instantly think you're "nice",and men try to walk over or patronize you.

 

[oakraiderz2]

Its not that people think you dont respect yourself, its the fact that youre innocent and naive, like you said. You dont wanna be assholish because youre a little nice boy. Get some likfe experience, grow some balls and relax.

 

[randalll]

thanks for the feedback guys

i think oakraiderz nailed it. it's being naive that puts me at a disadvantage

igetit - good point, but it describes how i was three or four years ago. i've learnt a lot since then, and will never do a favour for someone if they can do it themselves.

i read your compliment post, where a girl complimented you at the drive-in and you didn't know what to say so you felt like you blew the opportunity, that describes me more.. in the fact that i don't always know how to respond in situations, especially when i'm put on the spot and have to think fast