Punish Bad behavior, Reward Good behavior

[Dr.Suave]

I have been in a LTR since late 2021. I think I have been leading pretty successfully, at least compared to my previous LTRs. This woman is leaps and bounds ahead of my previous LTRs in many ways, "Behavior" being one of those.

But she is still a woman, so she will test me once in a blue moon. I cant blame her, its in her nature, but at least the tests are few and far between compared to previous women.

How do you punish Bad behavior? The theory says "Silence and distance". Thats all good and well when you are spinning plates but not so easy in a years long relationship.

I just call out bad behavior on the spot (which has happened in less than a handful of ocaassions). In my previous experiences, women would deny accountability and try to justify their bad behavior. This woman would put the tiniest bit of resistance when being called out but I just keep frame and she will very quickly say "Yes, you are right. Im sorry" and that´s it. I dont know what else I can contribute on "Punishing bad behavior" since luckily I have seen very little of it with this particular woman.



Rewarding Good behavior:

Pay for her groceries? I didnt for years. I started paying for them since we moved in together BUT it just so happens that one of the benefits of my job is they give me a separate card with money (monthly) that I can only spend on groceries anyway. On the rare coassion the card runs out of credit, she will pay both her groceries and my own.

Pay her medical insurance? She pays her own private medical insurance. She also has separate free medical attention and free medicines from me as another benefit of my job.

Putting a roof on her head? Man, this woman has made me so happy the last few years. And I own the roof anyways.

Buying dinnner: We take turns footing the bill

Paying for vacations: I wouldnt mind. There is no one else I rather travel with anyways but she helps with some of the vacation expenses. We have only left town a couple of times anyways.

Buying her small random gifts: Yeah, here and there, every once in a blue moon, when Im feeling like it. I can afford it and i dont see the harm in it.

Those are a few examples off the top of my head but there are possibly more. The bottom line is that as long as its not a "non-negotiable" for me, sometimes I will say Yes to whatever she wants

 

[New_Journey]

Spot on

How do you punish Bad behavior? The theory says "Silence and distance". Thats all good and well when you are spinning plates but not so easy in a years long relationship.

However, I disagree with this, maybe you haven't had to resort to this, since you say she's pretty chill. Like you said she is still a woman, women love strong emotions. Haven't you ever being in a big fight where silence and distance is needed? In my experience if everyhting goes well, without a fight from time to time "manufacture drama" they will create their own because the relationship has become boring.

You mention you both live together, so I'm assuming everything has run its course so far, idk I think there has to be a big fight (either manufactured or organic) where silence and distance is needed to engage her emotions in over drive, where you go silent and distant, do your own thing, ignore her texts and calls, so her hamster keep her entertained.

 

[Dr.Suave]

For additional context we have been living together since March/April 2024 In a place I bought. Thankfully no big fights (yet), none that I can recall anyways. I would like to take all the crédit but yeah, she Is pretty chill.

She likes to watch one YouTube channel about "Hot Gossip". I think its her way of getting her "fix" of drama. In retrospect I guess I should be thankfull for that Youtube Channel.

I would say we also have a bunch of micro-fights we didnt have before moving In together. Some of them I play dumb or laugh It off or I tease her or whatever. I guess It comes with the territory when moving In with somene.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I find that the way you apply silence & distance changes once you share a residence with someone. Now I love a nice peaceful existsnce but my husband is a bit of a drama king from time to time.

Be grateful @Dr.Suave that you have a chill woman. Not many are. And do NOT go manufacturing drama or picking a fight in your relationship. That behavior, on your part, PUNISHES her for being chill.

Do not do that. You will not like the outcome (she may not tolerate you stirring drama.)

I don't tolerate drama. Sometimes there are major conflict prone topics that must be covered in a LTR or marriage, and those should be tackled as directly and diplomatically as possible (whose family do we spend the holidays with/what to do about an aging parent's mental status & whether or not to care give/whether or not to foot the bill for grown children's education or health expenses) are examples.

Those are much more important topics than where you went for an hour yesterday or why the dishes or the folding isn't done.

If you have someone who picks fights over inane stupid or petty things, or if you have someone who tries to manipulate or gaslight? Nope. Not dealing with that. You must treat such a person like a child.

What do children crave? Attention. Does not matter if the attention is positive or negative....they want attention.

Children typically start by looking for positive attention. But what often happens is the parents don't praise the child for being well behaved. They expect good behavior and take it for granted, ignoring the child.

Next thing you know? The child throws a fit, acts out, hits someone or kicks the dog. Why? They need attention, which they equivocate to love. Being a good child didn't get rewarded with attention, so they resort to bad behavior to force attention from the parent, even though it is negative or punitive attention.

This is how people get programmed to create drama. They equate the attention of that negative reaction to love.

Read that again.

So if you have a secure girl who doesn't create drama? Thank your lucky stars and REWARD that chill behavior.

And look men can be drama creators too folks. If my husband picks a fight with me, one or the other of us leaves the house for a time out for a bit. Usually he leaves. If he acts ugly (picking a fight over something dumb) he gets a reflection of ugly behavior, and usually I'll say something pointed enough (in response to him creating drama) that he disengages and leaves for a while. Voila. Peace is restored for me and he cannot get anymore negative attention. And I don't blow up his phone. I simply go back to whatever I was doing & don't engage.

Then later when things are calm I can rationally explain to him that I will not put up with crazy making and that if he wants me to be nice, he needs to lead by being nice to me.

I also praise & reward good behavior, thoughtful behavior, kind behavior when he does it.

Just last night I made him dinner. He sat down at the table and began to pick a fight over how much liquid was in his plate from the meat juices (this is a really dumb thing to create drama over). He made a big production of getting up, taking his plate to the sink, draining off the meat juice (WTF??).

I said simply and calmly: Ok. Be aware that your behavior is very ugly right now. You are teaching me to STOP making dinners for you because you then behave in a nasty, critical, complaining and ugly way after I have made a loving gesture toward you. That's Ok. No more cooking you dinner......you are rewarding loving behavior with crappy behavior. No thank you.

He stopped. He stared at me for a moment and he said, you know, you are right. It was sweet that you made dinner for me. Its good and I appreciate it. I am sorry for acting that way. It was uncalled for. I need to do better.

And he finished his dinner & did the dishes.

That is behavior that gets conditioned in very early childhood. My husband's mother ignored him unless he created behavioral problems. So guess what she got more & more of as time went by? Yup. Behavioral problems.

The best way to deal with this kind of thing is to disengage. When the person learns that the drama creating behavior does not give them the attention they crave, one of two things happens. One, they stop doing the behavior, or Two, they find someone else to engage in that behavior with.

One is obviously preferable in a LTR or marriage.

My children all learned in young childhood NOT to throw fits. Why? If they did my first husband or I would calmly pluck them up, take them to the car, strap them in the car seat & go stand behind the car until the kid quit screaming. Guess what? Without an audience to perform for or get attention from? They quit pretty quickly. And if they started up when we came to get them out?

Oh. You weren't done? Ok. Shut the door & go stand behind the car again. The car seat certainly wasn't giving them attention.

So my kids learned that nasty behavior results in isolation. Isolation is the total lack of attention. So they quit the fits pretty quickly since they could not get what they wanted that way.

It does require discipline and pragmatism on the part of the parent however. Too many parents hover & pander and then wonder how their little prince or princess has become a holy terror.

So I withdraw if the other person stirs drama. This is what my own father did. He'd say "you are being irrational. Conversation over until you calm down...."

So us girls learned emotional regulation pretty early on too. Thanks Pop.

 

[Desdinova]

But she is still a woman, so she will test me once in a blue moon. I cant blame her, its in her nature

I don't even notice the 5hit tests anymore. I don't think I've noticed any in the 9 years I've been with her. There probably were some, but I just call them out and move on with my life. I've never had to think so little about "game" since I've been with her. We have mutual levels of respect for each other, and that's what's made all the difference. Plus, I alpha-widowed her and came back from the grave. She just isn't going anywhere.

Her dose of drama comes from her three best friends and some of the channels she watches on Youtube. Occasionally I piss her off and don't apologize for it. It's just one of those necessities you need to inject into a relationship. I know that women need some form of drama in their lives. The level is different depending on the woman. Some need drama every fvcking day to get their emotional rollercoaster ride, and some need it like an occasional craving for chocolate.

 

[BadBoy89]

For additional context we have been living together since March/April 2024 In a place I bought. Thankfully no big fights (yet), none that I can recall anyways. I would like to take all the crédit but yeah, she Is pretty chill.

Be careful. If you bought it and she didn't help, she is on her *best* behavior until she gets legal rights in regards to your place and finances.

I would say we also have a bunch of micro-fights we didnt have before moving In together.

I'd say the *smaller* fights are worse than the big ones. When its a big fight over buying a car or something, the anger dissipates after a while. Yet if its a bunch of smaller fights, her anger and resentment build up and build up and build up until she explodes.

But hey, if you are at peace with her, that's what matters.