Pull your therapist

[BeExcellent]

He was doing 2 things. Excusing Divorced w 3's behavior while insulting me (which has been his habit around here for years.)

No worries on that front.

Divorced w 3 is stating that his behavior is inexcusable (the woman in his situation broke things off as a result), and that abusive behavior is abusive behavior irrespective of the other person's personality.

I got married knowing my husband is ASD and knowing that his social calibration is not as well developed as mine. That's fine. What I didn't fully appreciate was how family of origin issues overlay the ASD and contribute, often exacerbating the expression of ASD.

I do not look at marriage lightly nor do I ascribe a "throw-away" mentality to it. So being married is a different level of commitment than a dating relationship of any sort.

And I do not want to be yet another person who simply decides he is difficult and discards him like every other person he loved deeply throughout his life has done, but that said, I have healthy boundaries, healthy self esteem and it is a learning process for him to learn a different way to interact and it takes time. I am patient but not a doormat.

Therapy would probably assist him in this. He took an anger management course recently that arose from a work incident, and he knows that if he does not find a way to better manage his behavior he risks income loss.

People with behavioral issues like this have those issues pervade all aspects of their life throughout their life. So of course he's making an effort to avoid really bad consequences like losing his income and losing his marriage.

He is having a tough time digesting his own role in his circumstances. But I think he is digesting it (and in that process realizing he was done dirty as a little kid by people who were supposed to love & care for him.)

That's not easy & its the wrong time to kick him in the teeth. As he faces the ugly side of himself he's also realizing that I love him despite all that BUT I am not going to be victimized because I love myself too.

That is a humbling thing for him to accept and a very tough line for me to hold.

But it is the key to the kingdom. Cheers.

Evolve or die. That's the mantra around here right?

 

[Sega Genesis]

As he faces the ugly side of himself he's also realizing that I love him despite all that BUT I am not going to be victimized because I love myself too.

Earnest question @BeExcellent but how do you balance this^?

You've stated yourself (and it's been my experience as well) that often times a man is unable to even recognize certain bad behaviors and issues within himself until such time his gf/wife leaves and ends the relationship.

If I'm reading this correctly (Dw3 please correct me if I'm wrong?) this is what's happening with Dw3 and I am wondering if he would have realized the seriousness of his issues and the internal work needed to be done had his now-ex stayed or quickly gone back (he ended things).

I am NOT suggesting you leave your marriage, again I'm asking how you balance not being a victim with not being a doormat without leaving the relationship?

And also how a man can recognize and own certain toxic behaviors within himself while his partner chooses to remain in the relationship (as you're doing) without 'mothering' him or playing the role of 'therapist' which is something that I personally am not inclined to do.

Not suggesting you are but this is something I sorely need to learn!

Thanks in advance @ Be!

 

[Bokanovsky]

Earnest question @BeExcellent but how do you balance this^?

You've stated yourself (and it's been my experience as well) that often times a man is unable to even recognize certain bad behaviors and issues within himself until such time his gf/wife leaves and ends the relationship.

If I'm reading this correctly (Dw3 please correct me if I'm wrong?) this is what's happening with Dw3 and I am wondering if he would have realized the seriousness of his issues and the internal work needed to be done had his now-ex stayed or quickly gone back (he ended things).

That's not at all what's happening with DW3. He knows full well that what he's doing is wrong but he can't help himself. He expunges his sins through the process of mental self-flagellation (I am such a terrible person to hurt this wonderful woman, blah blah blah) and then does it all over again. Rinse and repeat.

Very few people (men or women) are incapable of recognizing their bad behaviours. Such people are known as psychopaths. I don't believe that DW3 is one.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Very few people (men or women) are incapable of recognizing their bad behaviours. Such people are known as psychopaths. I don't believe that DW3 is one.

I don't think Dw3 is (a psychopath) either. I know he's NOT.

Perhaps I should have worded it to say they may be aware of certain toxic behaviors but not inclined to do anything about it (seek professional help and take steps to heal) unless and until their partner leaves.

This has been my experiences in a couple of relationships anyway.

Thinking more about it, this is NOT the case with @Divorced w 3 as he sought professional help and was taking steps to heal way before he and his now-ex ended their relationship.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I don't think Dw3 is (a psychopath) either. I know he's NOT.

Perhaps I should have worded it to say they may be aware of certain toxic behaviors but not inclined to do anything about it (seek professional help and take steps to heal) unless and until their partner leaves.

This has been my experiences in a couple of relationships anyway.

Thinking more about it, this is NOT the case with @Divorced w 3 as he sought professional help and was taking steps to heal way before he and his now-ex ended their relationship.

Sure, people are prone to introspection when bad things happen (such as a partner leaving). But I'm not sure about this fixation on "professional help". Why does everything require professional help all of a sudden?

On aside note, do you know why therapy has become such a big thing in the past decade or so? It has to do with two completely unrelated events that occurred at roughly the same time. The first event is called the Affordable Care Act (2010), colloquially known as Obama Care. It forced insurance companies to include therapy as part of health insurance plans. This was done after intensive lobbying by the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association (whose members obviously stood to benefit finacially). The second event was the rise of social media, which lead to oversharing of personal information and made therapy trendy.

 

[Sega Genesis]

But I'm not sure about this fixation on "professional help". Why does everything require professional help all of a sudden?

Not sure it's all of a sudden but in any event
when one has a mental illness/disorder (Dw3 has openly discussed his struggles in this regard) I do think professional help is warranted. Often times medication is required which can only be prescribed by a licensed medical doctor.

On aside note, do you know why therapy has become such a big thing in the past decade or so? It has to do with two completely unrelated events that occurred at roughly the same time. The first event is called the Affordable Care Act (2010), colloquially know as Obama Care.

I did not know this! The things I learn here ....lol

Anyway I agree standard therapy is highly over-rated however it can be beneficial in certain situations.

It's helped me!

 

[Divorced w 3]

(Dw3 has openly discussed his struggles in this regard) I do think professional help is warranted.

I have Bipolar 1 disorder, anxiety, and not to lean on this as an excuse, but the victim of childhood trauma in the form of physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I watched my father beat my mother multiple times both when sober and not, traumatically hurt my siblings into emergency room level care, watched our pediatrician, his neighborhood friend turn the blind eye, and was locked out of homes and mercilessly embarrassed as a child by that man in front of family and friends. His colleagues and friends think he's a God-fearing, incredible man and was a lot to handle. It's not something I wanted to deal with until recently.

At 41 years old I was in the cat-bird seat professionally, but had much softer shades in my life of the way I grew up. Sure, it forms you, forms personality, coping patterns, deregulates emotional responses, etc. It stops now. It is no excuse. It is just the truth. She doesn't think it's an excuse, my friends don't think it's an excuse, and I don't think it's an excuse any more either. Plus, you can do things like Cognitive Behavioral Training and massively accelerate the process with neuroplasticity enhancing chemicals, like ketamine which I am using and doing on a daily basis.

This is all evidence backed, peer reviewed, published in top scientific literature. I feel better, much less depressed, much less anxious, and trying to be more open minded.

Namaste.

 

[BeExcellent]

Earnest question @BeExcellent but how do you balance this^?

You've stated yourself (and it's been my experience as well) that often times a man is unable to even recognize certain bad behaviors and issues within himself until such time his gf/wife leaves and ends the relationship.

If I'm reading this correctly (Dw3 please correct me if I'm wrong?) this is what's happening with Dw3 and I am wondering if he would have realized the seriousness of his issues and the internal work needed to be done had his now-ex stayed or quickly gone back (he ended things).

I am NOT suggesting you leave your marriage, again I'm asking how you balance not being a victim with not being a doormat without leaving the relationship?

And also how a man can recognize and own certain toxic behaviors within himself while his partner chooses to remain in the relationship (as you're doing) without 'mothering' him or playing the role of 'therapist' which is something that I personally am not inclined to do.

Not suggesting you are but this is something I sorely need to learn!

Thanks in advance @ Be!

You have to honor yourself and uphold your boundaries while being steadfast in the marriage. You pick your battles, don't be petty, Preserve peace on silly things and let it go. Act with kindness and patience. Take space when necessary.

How that manifests depends on the two individuals in the marriage & the values held by the couple. So I cannot give a prescriptive answer.

I am married to the spectrum, so how I manage that is not going to be particularly instructive either. I have to understand that he CANNOT fundmentally change. So there is much I simply must accept.

And that's fine. He is very sweet & thoughtful too. Just took my daughter and I to the movies & dinner.