Out of my first ever LTR, trying to bounce back ASAP

[Iracki]

Sup guys. First of all, thanks to everyone on here who has given real-world accurate advice that has helped me and many other people.

I got into my first LTR around the end of ’08. She was my first gf, took my v-card, and just all around has had the biggest impact on my life thus far. So I’m not gonna go into all the details (unless people want history), but she broke up with me about a month ago. Suffice to say, it has fvcked me up simply because I spent so much time with her, and now I have all this free time and have harped on depressing thoughts far too long.

Anyway, that’s the gist of it. I’m trying to bounce back into the game as soon as possible and recover. Personality wise, I feel like I have to be the entertainer. Usually I can have a bunch of people laughing (usually at the expense of someone else, unfortunately). I always had low self-esteem and confidence ever since I was young. After high school I slowly built myself up, lost weight, and eventually got my first gf and that felt like the hugest weight lifted off my back. But in reality, it wasn’t, and I still have/had many things to work on. I tend to get an aniexty rush and have a hard time articulating words and stuttering when I’m dealing with a someone I don’t know or just being out of my element. The only time I really am in state is when I have a few in me and I can talk to the whole world.

So, I’m attempting the boot camp. I went to the mall just looking people in the eye (at least half don’t even look), trying to build confidence. I did a few hi’s but it just feels awkward so I think I’m gonna try “how’s it going” or something. I’ve also joined a boxing gym, tried to stop smoking pot (which is hard because I’m just SO in my comfort zone when I get high with my friends), cut down on the booze, and just be able to socialize SOBER.

Thanks to this site guiding me in the right direction I’ve broken out of my shell and realized I am capable and confident to pull. I’ve read countless posts, most of the bible and followed the advice like getting a hobby and focusing on yourself. I have Hypnotica’s collection of confidence (anyone like and/or try this?) to try to work on my inner-game and see what steps I can take towards getting back to 100%. My problem is I just want to take one huge step instead of baby ones to change myself. So I guess to sum this up, I am looking for some solid advice and a new direction to move towards.

Thanks

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

I was in a similar situation and you have already taken the first steps.

This may work for you, but cutting the drink almost completely was my turnaround. My personal trainer strongly recommended cutting the alcohol (I only drink at weekends but no more than a couple of pints in one day), before this most of my socialising was while drinking.

The only time I really am in state is when I have a few in me and I can talk to the whole world.

The anxiety when talking to new people will go when you condition yourself. Its like a subconscious thing seeing all strangers as a threat.

When I mean conditioning, this involves actively going to clubs soba and approaching/dancing with HBs. Oh, and don't forgot going on dates soba, that's a biggie. At first it feels a little odd but it doesn't take long to adapt.

One month later, I'm a lot more successful and I'm in the best shape I've ever been. People cannot believe I go out on a Saturday night and still have such a good or maybe even better time when drinking tap water/soft drinks. Yet I can drive home at the end of the night and wake up with a clear head.

Once its all out your system and you no longer have cravings it also improves your looks. A few weeks after the cut I have less body fat, my skin looks better and I feel more alert. Its also easier to get decent sleep and you find yourself feeling generally relaxed and alert throughout the day. When I think of my old self the comparrison is like having a constant hangover (even though I didn't) compared to how I feel now.

Before the alcohol cut I found myself depressed and in a rut of self pitty since ending my first LTR.

 

[vatoloco]

So I’m not gonna go into all the details (unless people want history), but she broke up with me about a month ago.

Dude, if you want GOOD advice, you HAVE to get into all the little details. Why did she drop you?

 

[Iracki]

Duracell, thanks for the input. I am trying to keep the drinking to a minimum and not use it as a crutch. That's not really my main problem though. I think what you said first about conditioning myself and going through the motions of talking to strangers and MAKING my brain realize that I can be a social likable person, it's just gonna take time and effort. Reading the logs of jono, rushing dude, and other people that have succeeded has really given me some hope for this. I think instead of doing the first few weeks of boot camp I am just gonna man up and approach.

Dude, if you want GOOD advice, you HAVE to get into all the little details. Why did she drop you?

I very much deserved being dropped along time ago. I was emotionally and mentally abusing to her. I am an only child and realized just how selfish I was when it came to compromising and doing things she wanted. In the end, this LTR had to end because it was a huge wake up call for me change my views on socializing and the way I interact with people. And to top it off after she broke it off I did EVERYTHING wrong like begging for her back, asking why? a million times, bringing up the "good times", and the topper, and why I finally decided to make my first post, was I cut my wrist and sent her a picture of it (which is definitely the deal breaker in getting back with her) and I realized just how sad I've become. The funny part is I read the no-contact challenge and I still couldn't help myself. It was almost like a high for me when I just went off the handle, and then after I would crash and be in the darkest place of my life.

So as I was writing this, I realized I need to work on my self-control, and having stability in my life.

Thanks for the replies guys, every time I come here I am enlightened just a little bit more.

 

[Iracki]

I finally got my rebound out of the way with a girl I work with (I know, big mistake). And the way I did it was just by following the accurate advice given and being very persistent showing her I wasn't there to be her shopping buddy. To be honest I did a search on igetit!'s posts and kept hammering away at the mindset of being attractive, sexual, bold, and everything else we're suppose to do.

Most people wouldn't consider this is a victory but with my history with women it definitely is. Before my first LTR I was completely lost, depressed, and thought I would never be worthy of having a woman in my life. After my LTR it was even worse, and I came crawling back here to just lurk on the forums and re-enlighten myself, because in all honestly in the relationship I went completely way-below-failing-AFC.

No thread would be complete without asking for advice though. I just want to keep this girl in the fuk buddy zone and spin more plates (never thought I'd say that). So, I know I took the easy way out and went after a girl I work with. My next step is start the cold approaches/broadening my network. The dilemma I'm facing is my social group, which I'm starting to move away from slowly. It seems every weekend all I do is get hammered with the same friends I had from high school, don't get me wrong, they're my friends and I like them, I just want to broaden my horizons. I'm thinking of going out alone on the weekends just to try new things like going to art galleries, volunteer, join a book club, just anything out of the ordinary for me. Does this sound like a good first step to step outside of my comfort zone and start to meet new interesting people?

Also, this girl seems to be getting attached and needy and keeps asking me to hangout with her. Any thoughts on how to go about telling her casually that I just want to keep it low-key and not an everyday thing.

Wow, that's a rant but again I want to thank the whole sosuave community for promoting self-improvement, education, and just overall being a better contributor to society.

Oh yeah, one last thing, to all the guys on here having a hard time, I've been there just like everyone else, and all I can say is NEVER give up, and ALWAYS know you are the man who has the unlimited potential to do anything you desire!

 

[Pierce]

how were you emotionally and mentally abusing her?