INTRO:
Buckle up lads, this is gonna be a lengthy one. I've never had a notable experience in my ten years here that I felt would contribute to the information in the bible. I think today I finally do.
There is a TLDR below this wall of text if you really can't be bothered reading. After the TLDR I'll put the actual points I want to raise, but I feel like I need to give this story as much context as possible to drive home the point.
Just want to state that while I'm certainly looking forward to some analysis of what happened, I'm not looking for advice with the woman in the story below. I value myself too much to consider her an option ever again. What makes this story interesting to me is the demonstration of growth. Four years ago, what happened today would have sent me into a spiral. But I'm sitting here smiling with a glass of whiskey and a smoke and it's because of this forum. I want to contribute to that if I can. While I haven't figured everything out in terms of what I want, I do know I have figured out how to be happy in a situation that would have once shattered me. Onward to the story. If you must, skip to the TLDR, it will give you the jist. I know this **** is long.
THE STORY:
Six years ago I met a woman. She's now 31. My housemates cousin. She was in an LTR (Long Term Relationship) but we clicked immediately. I'd never laughed so hard and so often with a woman before with intellectual conversation to boot. Flash forward four years and she was single. Turned up at my place. All the whiskey followed and the years of sexual tension were finally released. What a night. Not wanting to be the rebound and having two other plates at the time, I hadn't considered an LTR at all, let alone with her. We hooked up a few times that month. She ended up in another relationship bit under a year later.
Fast forward to the end of that relationship and lo and behold she's seeking some comfort again. Before she had entered that relationship I had gone full MGTOW (google it) and at this point it had been nearly 18 months. (Don't check my maths, I know it won't work out.) Having gotten bored of the endless hook ups at thirty years old, I had decided not to chase women at all. I was however interested in an LTR. My best friend is a woman and I think sex + companionship could be worth the cons of a relationship. I'm surprisingly still living with her cousin and a room opens up at the same time. This chick moves in. I decide that puts her off limits for anything serious. You can guess how long that lasts.
After about a month she's been getting increasingly flirty and I can tell she wants me. One night she gets hammered and books us flights out of state to see my family. I didn't think she'd actually do it but she did. Next day I was like, damn, she is really trying to make something happen here. The entire weekend she's pretending to be my girlfriend. Touching me constantly, bringing me beers and of course sleeping with me. It was an awesome trip and I was like, well, maybe I should consider this girl after all. She's so loving and we laugh and have so much fun together.
At the airport on the way back we have a conversation. She's adamant that this can't continue when we get back. I agree that we should remain housemates and not make our living situation weird. We had some fun and we can leave it. Haha. Like that was going to happen. It takes all of a few days for that to come undone. A few whiskeys and a bunch of laughter with someone you've already ****ed? Yeah. So this continues for a couple of months and she finally drops the exclusive talk. I was like, **** it. This has been fun. I think to myself, you cook for me, you bring me beers, you are attentive and caring, you make me laugh, the sex is incredible and we've been friends for years. This is what I was hoping might be out there for me.
Now despite what many of you are thinking, I did not become AFC (Average Frustrated Chump). I did NOT lose frame. I'm happy to clarify any questions you have about this since I know you won't believe it. I can promise you I had already learned that lesson years before. Everything went amazingly up until exactly a week ago. We went to a weekend away with her friends. She was nice enough to invite me along. I was like, **** it, could be fun.
Over that weekend she slowly rolled off her attention. I figured she was just partying with her friends, I made friends with people and had fun anyway. When we got back home, she said she needed her own bed and to chill for the night and to "not be offended". This was weird because we've had many nights in our own rooms without needing to clarify that it didn't mean anything. I laughed and asked why I'd be offended. The next day she was pulling away from me physically.
Exactly one week after she was cooking me food and bringing me beers and generally being as loving to me as she had ever been, she dumps me. There was this gradual progression of retreating over the week then bam. I had realized on the way to where she was today that she was going to dump me. I knew it in my gut. I was trying to convince myself otherwise that I was over-reacting but deep down I knew I was right. I'm not gonna lie. I am confused.
While I had my mental state in check for myself, I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. Thinking back now, I realize I completely ignored a bunch of red flags because I felt I knew this girl after so many years. The old NAWALT (Not All Women Are Like That) trap. ****.
The thing that distracted me was I gave her plenty of options to avoid getting involved with me seriously. I gave her outs at multiple points when she was being indecisive (which I assumed was due to intimacy issues) and she always refused and said she wanted to date me. That I was special. That I was different. Well, she wasn't lying. At the time, she thought that.
The last thing I want to mention is the breakup. She was emotionless. I mean completely. I've never been dumped so coldly in my life. Like it was some paperwork to get done before you could watch TV. Actually, no, doing paperwork has more emotion involved because it sucks. She also said something very interesting that I took note of as important. She pulled the classic I want us to stay friends. I said no chance. She said I hope that changes one day. I said it won't. Then I called her out on the fact she strung me along and used me. (Not trying to get her back, was venting and it was worth it.) I said that's not really great friend material. She denied doing that. I can't remember the exact words but it was to the effect of at the time I thought that's what I wanted. This is key and I will be repeating it below for those who skip to the TLDR. Her feelings about me turned on a ****ing DIME. This is reality. This is women. TAKE ****ING NOTE, PEOPLE. But what I realized when I calmed down is that it wasn't a choice she made. She's driven by emotion and that emotion dried up instantly. Again, I promise you I did not become AFC before she started pulling away. Again, I will answer questions relating to that if you don't believe me.
THE RED FLAGS I IGNORED LIKE A MORON:
This next part I really don't want to type. I'm going to list the red flags I ignored willingly. It is an embarrassing list that will make most of you seasoned DJ's roll your ****ing eyes. I'm not proud, but I'm hoping this story reinforces that this stuff isn't something you should ignore.
1) Daddy issues. Very mild, but there.
2) Best friend cheated and she was non-chalant about it even after I voiced my disgust.
3) When talking about the friend cheating, her friend said you'd have done the same thing and she shrugged.
4) Just out of a relationship
5) Liked all the things I liked, some that seemed out of character
6) Would leave me at parties and bars
7) History of drugs, booze, partying and slutting around
8) Party animal friends all in their 30's
9) Warned me she had intimacy issues
10) Talked about kids early on
I'm gonna rant a bit here about the above list. It probably won't be super coherent but I'll do my best. The kids thing is a big one. In her last relationship, she moved in with a guy after six months. He was the perfect provider type and she threw herself at him very quickly. Got pregnant within the year but miscarried. Decided she was unhappy and ditched him. I'm not sure why I didn't give this more weight before I got involved, but I absolutely should have. Probably ego and the fact she was making me happy. This is probably the biggest lesson I have learned from this relationship. These women want kids, not a husband. You truly are a means to an end.
The partying was sporadic which is why I ignored it. Figured she was moving past that since she wanted kids and a family. But I think in the context of everything else, it highlighted mental instability. Part of me felt that but I wrote it off. I think even though her daddy issues were mild, I didn't understand the full effect even minor ones could have. Her intimacy issues absolutely stem from that part of her life and I think are the reason she just shut off.
Her best friend cheating to me is the biggest thing on that list. This one isn't so much my fault because it happened five days ago while she was already retreating. I was paying a lot of attention to her reaction to me voicing my opinions about it. When she made the comment about her friend saying she'd do the same thing and she shrugged instead of denying it, I caught her. She looked at me and she realized what she'd just said. I'm not sure if this is important information in the context of all this, but it sticks out to me. That's when my doubts kicked in. Better late than never, I suppose.
Buckle up lads, this is gonna be a lengthy one. I've never had a notable experience in my ten years here that I felt would contribute to the information in the bible. I think today I finally do.
There is a TLDR below this wall of text if you really can't be bothered reading. After the TLDR I'll put the actual points I want to raise, but I feel like I need to give this story as much context as possible to drive home the point.
Just want to state that while I'm certainly looking forward to some analysis of what happened, I'm not looking for advice with the woman in the story below. I value myself too much to consider her an option ever again. What makes this story interesting to me is the demonstration of growth. Four years ago, what happened today would have sent me into a spiral. But I'm sitting here smiling with a glass of whiskey and a smoke and it's because of this forum. I want to contribute to that if I can. While I haven't figured everything out in terms of what I want, I do know I have figured out how to be happy in a situation that would have once shattered me. Onward to the story. If you must, skip to the TLDR, it will give you the jist. I know this **** is long.
THE STORY:
Six years ago I met a woman. She's now 31. My housemates cousin. She was in an LTR (Long Term Relationship) but we clicked immediately. I'd never laughed so hard and so often with a woman before with intellectual conversation to boot. Flash forward four years and she was single. Turned up at my place. All the whiskey followed and the years of sexual tension were finally released. What a night. Not wanting to be the rebound and having two other plates at the time, I hadn't considered an LTR at all, let alone with her. We hooked up a few times that month. She ended up in another relationship bit under a year later.
Fast forward to the end of that relationship and lo and behold she's seeking some comfort again. Before she had entered that relationship I had gone full MGTOW (google it) and at this point it had been nearly 18 months. (Don't check my maths, I know it won't work out.) Having gotten bored of the endless hook ups at thirty years old, I had decided not to chase women at all. I was however interested in an LTR. My best friend is a woman and I think sex + companionship could be worth the cons of a relationship. I'm surprisingly still living with her cousin and a room opens up at the same time. This chick moves in. I decide that puts her off limits for anything serious. You can guess how long that lasts.
After about a month she's been getting increasingly flirty and I can tell she wants me. One night she gets hammered and books us flights out of state to see my family. I didn't think she'd actually do it but she did. Next day I was like, damn, she is really trying to make something happen here. The entire weekend she's pretending to be my girlfriend. Touching me constantly, bringing me beers and of course sleeping with me. It was an awesome trip and I was like, well, maybe I should consider this girl after all. She's so loving and we laugh and have so much fun together.
At the airport on the way back we have a conversation. She's adamant that this can't continue when we get back. I agree that we should remain housemates and not make our living situation weird. We had some fun and we can leave it. Haha. Like that was going to happen. It takes all of a few days for that to come undone. A few whiskeys and a bunch of laughter with someone you've already ****ed? Yeah. So this continues for a couple of months and she finally drops the exclusive talk. I was like, **** it. This has been fun. I think to myself, you cook for me, you bring me beers, you are attentive and caring, you make me laugh, the sex is incredible and we've been friends for years. This is what I was hoping might be out there for me.
Now despite what many of you are thinking, I did not become AFC (Average Frustrated Chump). I did NOT lose frame. I'm happy to clarify any questions you have about this since I know you won't believe it. I can promise you I had already learned that lesson years before. Everything went amazingly up until exactly a week ago. We went to a weekend away with her friends. She was nice enough to invite me along. I was like, **** it, could be fun.
Over that weekend she slowly rolled off her attention. I figured she was just partying with her friends, I made friends with people and had fun anyway. When we got back home, she said she needed her own bed and to chill for the night and to "not be offended". This was weird because we've had many nights in our own rooms without needing to clarify that it didn't mean anything. I laughed and asked why I'd be offended. The next day she was pulling away from me physically.
Exactly one week after she was cooking me food and bringing me beers and generally being as loving to me as she had ever been, she dumps me. There was this gradual progression of retreating over the week then bam. I had realized on the way to where she was today that she was going to dump me. I knew it in my gut. I was trying to convince myself otherwise that I was over-reacting but deep down I knew I was right. I'm not gonna lie. I am confused.
While I had my mental state in check for myself, I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. Thinking back now, I realize I completely ignored a bunch of red flags because I felt I knew this girl after so many years. The old NAWALT (Not All Women Are Like That) trap. ****.
The thing that distracted me was I gave her plenty of options to avoid getting involved with me seriously. I gave her outs at multiple points when she was being indecisive (which I assumed was due to intimacy issues) and she always refused and said she wanted to date me. That I was special. That I was different. Well, she wasn't lying. At the time, she thought that.
The last thing I want to mention is the breakup. She was emotionless. I mean completely. I've never been dumped so coldly in my life. Like it was some paperwork to get done before you could watch TV. Actually, no, doing paperwork has more emotion involved because it sucks. She also said something very interesting that I took note of as important. She pulled the classic I want us to stay friends. I said no chance. She said I hope that changes one day. I said it won't. Then I called her out on the fact she strung me along and used me. (Not trying to get her back, was venting and it was worth it.) I said that's not really great friend material. She denied doing that. I can't remember the exact words but it was to the effect of at the time I thought that's what I wanted. This is key and I will be repeating it below for those who skip to the TLDR. Her feelings about me turned on a ****ing DIME. This is reality. This is women. TAKE ****ING NOTE, PEOPLE. But what I realized when I calmed down is that it wasn't a choice she made. She's driven by emotion and that emotion dried up instantly. Again, I promise you I did not become AFC before she started pulling away. Again, I will answer questions relating to that if you don't believe me.
THE RED FLAGS I IGNORED LIKE A MORON:
This next part I really don't want to type. I'm going to list the red flags I ignored willingly. It is an embarrassing list that will make most of you seasoned DJ's roll your ****ing eyes. I'm not proud, but I'm hoping this story reinforces that this stuff isn't something you should ignore.
1) Daddy issues. Very mild, but there.
2) Best friend cheated and she was non-chalant about it even after I voiced my disgust.
3) When talking about the friend cheating, her friend said you'd have done the same thing and she shrugged.
4) Just out of a relationship
5) Liked all the things I liked, some that seemed out of character
6) Would leave me at parties and bars
7) History of drugs, booze, partying and slutting around
8) Party animal friends all in their 30's
9) Warned me she had intimacy issues
10) Talked about kids early on
I'm gonna rant a bit here about the above list. It probably won't be super coherent but I'll do my best. The kids thing is a big one. In her last relationship, she moved in with a guy after six months. He was the perfect provider type and she threw herself at him very quickly. Got pregnant within the year but miscarried. Decided she was unhappy and ditched him. I'm not sure why I didn't give this more weight before I got involved, but I absolutely should have. Probably ego and the fact she was making me happy. This is probably the biggest lesson I have learned from this relationship. These women want kids, not a husband. You truly are a means to an end.
The partying was sporadic which is why I ignored it. Figured she was moving past that since she wanted kids and a family. But I think in the context of everything else, it highlighted mental instability. Part of me felt that but I wrote it off. I think even though her daddy issues were mild, I didn't understand the full effect even minor ones could have. Her intimacy issues absolutely stem from that part of her life and I think are the reason she just shut off.
Her best friend cheating to me is the biggest thing on that list. This one isn't so much my fault because it happened five days ago while she was already retreating. I was paying a lot of attention to her reaction to me voicing my opinions about it. When she made the comment about her friend saying she'd do the same thing and she shrugged instead of denying it, I caught her. She looked at me and she realized what she'd just said. I'm not sure if this is important information in the context of all this, but it sticks out to me. That's when my doubts kicked in. Better late than never, I suppose.
