Obsession

[ronjohn]

There is this girl who I met early this year. I am 23, she is 23. We met one day. Then didn't see each other for about 2 months, but maintained contact through IM. Then spent 1 week together. Finally “connected” (if that's what they call it) on the last night. Spent 2 months apart. Got together for 1 week (“connected” every night).

So basically the issue is, we live on opposite sides of the world. I will spare you the other gory details. After our first full week together, she confessed in a blog that she loved me. (She didn't know that I read this blog. The post was supposed to be private, but it was made public by accident and quickly removed). She said she never wanted to fall for another foreigner again. We then met for the second week, but I never told her I read her blog.

We used to communicate a lot through instant message. After the last time we met, our communication has been very sporadic. The last time we talked, a couple months ago, she was having long gaps in between her IM responses. I got the feeling she didn't want to talk. Deep down, if I had to guess, I would say that she doesn't want to talk, because it just reminds her of me. To end the conversation, I told her that I didn't know what her problem was, but I didn't want to talk to her if she was going to act like that. So I logged off, and haven't talked to her since. Yet, we keep each other on our IM lists, but we don't communicate. I thought she might send me an email apologizing, but she never did.

To be honest, I think of her every day (even though I haven't seen her in 5 months, and haven't talked in 2 months). I have been with other girls since then, but I can't help myself thinking of her. Tonight something happened that really reminded me of her and something she did, and I broke down - I can't remember the last time I cried. Yes, I feel like an AFC now... but... it did feel good in a sense to let it out.

Now I am in the middle of typing a gigantic email to her. I am basically confessing my feelings for her (she doesn't know any of these feelings). I am also telling her how I read (past tense) her blog. I know nothing can really happen between us now, due to the distance (a large Pacific Ocean), but I still feel strange seeing her on IM. I would like to talk to her occasionally like we did in the past.

I don't know wtf is going on. I can't stop thinking of her even though I don't talk to her. So maybe I need to occasionally talk to her so that I can stop thinking of her? What's the solution to this? Is there a solution? Ah!

 

[Prod]

There is no solution, because the idea of a long distance relationship is a fallacy.. I know because I wasted an enormous amount of time on one. So you need to distance yourself from it.

It probably will not be what you want to hear, but the ideal solution is cutting off contact and going after new women. If you write an e-mail, you risk falling into the whole vicious circle of a relationship without reciprocity again.

If you can't restrain yourself from writing this e-mail and wanting her back, I would advise you to make it clear that you will be seeing other people, and when the geographical difficulty ceases, you'll see what happens (I'm assuming that's going to happen at some point, if she's not studying abroad or whatever, it's not even worth that IMO)

Addendum: I should also note that from my experience, women have the advantage when it comes to something like this. A man thrives on physical contact and rational conversation (friendship or relationship) to stay dominant in a relationship.. keeping in touch via IM and e-mails is perfect for a woman because those two things go out the window: The contact is distant in its nature with no physical element, and it's inherently emotional meaning that a woman can express herself irrationally without being held accountable.

 

[ronjohn]

Interesting thoughts. Thanks for the reply.

To be honest, the geographical barrier will never be gone (unless one of use moves to the other's country - which is <strike>probably</strike> not going to happen on my side of things).

I think maybe I should just delete her completely from my IM so that I never see her or hear from her again.. no matter how difficult it will be to do.

The only thing I see with the email... She has no idea how I feel about her. Even though it won't accomplish anything, it feels 'right' to tell her these feelings. I secretly know how she feels about me, so maybe that is what's making it so difficult for me. So should I bring the same feelings upon her? Not in a vicious sense, but... just so she knows... even though it doesn't really matter if she knows... hmmm..

 

[Prod]

I understand that you want closure, and it's completely natural.

The salient point I'm trying to make, is that the only way you can stop thinking about her is to find another woman. With a bit more experience it's 99% probable that you will stop idolising her.


As far as the e-mail, well, as I said, it's best to cut off all contact.. IM, everything.

If you feel like you must, then I suppose I can't stop you- just make sure you don't become more emotionally vested than you already are.

Addendum: This is all assuming you have a balanced lifestyle already, confidence in yourself etc. If this is not the case then you need to feel comfortable in your own skin in addition to finding another chick.