Tom Shivoe
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2017
- Messages
- 17
- Reaction score
- 5
- Age
- 50
I've posted before that I have an NPD ex. I had a personal message exchange with someone about it. I hope that person won't mind if I post something about my experience for the broader group, based on my message to them.
I must stress upfront that I am not a professional and I can't advise anyone what to do or if their partner is NPD/BPD.
I spent years (literally) being in turns angry, confused and afraid about my ex-wife's behaviour. I kept reading stuff about extreme behaviour in relationships, and eventually I came across descriptions of NPD. Suddenly things clicked.
There is a classic list of symptoms of NPD like this one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
All I can say is take a good look and do your research.
I have found dealing with an NPD partner is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with in life. Sad to say, I have never really found effective support. Friends and family just don't get what it is like to deal with a NPD. Even therapists haven't been that helpful. As a man, I really think gender comes into it - there is an extra level of resistance to the idea of a female NPD.
One practical thing might be: keep a journal. An NPD will try and get into your head and distort your reality. A journal can help fight that.
I really wish I had kept more evidence of my narc ex's dangerous and destructive behaviour. I mean sound recordings and photos of what she did. I have a few but not enough probably to get custody of my kids.
I came to the conclusion that I was just making my NPD ex worse by hanging around and I had to get out, even though it has cost me a year out of my kids' lives. I can't say the same decision is right for anyone else. But you probably need to ask yourself, are you really helping your NPD partner get better by staying? Or are you just on the cycle where they promise everything will be better so they can draw you back in for another dose of abuse? Is there really any improvement over time? No BS about "it was a one-off lapse". Be honest.
Things I have read on this site about how society expects self-sacrificing behaviour from men have really helped build my confidence in the road I have taken, which has been to value myself more and to get out.
Doing "the right thing" by my kids would be the big reason to go back. But is it doing the right thing by them to let them see their father have the life sucked out of him to feed a woman's NPD?
I have had to cope pretty much alone and I have been lower than I knew it was possible to go. But I also feel I have grown a lot. It has made me critique my own behaviour and other relationships with family and colleagues - basically to ask, what am I doing to draw these people to me. I am sure I am a lot stronger for the experience. I don't see why the same couldn't be true for someone else.
If you are dealing with this, you are not the only one; good luck; stay strong.
I must stress upfront that I am not a professional and I can't advise anyone what to do or if their partner is NPD/BPD.
I spent years (literally) being in turns angry, confused and afraid about my ex-wife's behaviour. I kept reading stuff about extreme behaviour in relationships, and eventually I came across descriptions of NPD. Suddenly things clicked.
There is a classic list of symptoms of NPD like this one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
All I can say is take a good look and do your research.
I have found dealing with an NPD partner is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with in life. Sad to say, I have never really found effective support. Friends and family just don't get what it is like to deal with a NPD. Even therapists haven't been that helpful. As a man, I really think gender comes into it - there is an extra level of resistance to the idea of a female NPD.
One practical thing might be: keep a journal. An NPD will try and get into your head and distort your reality. A journal can help fight that.
I really wish I had kept more evidence of my narc ex's dangerous and destructive behaviour. I mean sound recordings and photos of what she did. I have a few but not enough probably to get custody of my kids.
I came to the conclusion that I was just making my NPD ex worse by hanging around and I had to get out, even though it has cost me a year out of my kids' lives. I can't say the same decision is right for anyone else. But you probably need to ask yourself, are you really helping your NPD partner get better by staying? Or are you just on the cycle where they promise everything will be better so they can draw you back in for another dose of abuse? Is there really any improvement over time? No BS about "it was a one-off lapse". Be honest.
Things I have read on this site about how society expects self-sacrificing behaviour from men have really helped build my confidence in the road I have taken, which has been to value myself more and to get out.
Doing "the right thing" by my kids would be the big reason to go back. But is it doing the right thing by them to let them see their father have the life sucked out of him to feed a woman's NPD?
I have had to cope pretty much alone and I have been lower than I knew it was possible to go. But I also feel I have grown a lot. It has made me critique my own behaviour and other relationships with family and colleagues - basically to ask, what am I doing to draw these people to me. I am sure I am a lot stronger for the experience. I don't see why the same couldn't be true for someone else.
If you are dealing with this, you are not the only one; good luck; stay strong.