Was gonna respond to this in
@Almax 's thread but felt it warranted its own thread. It's a recurring theme that I've seen on SoSuave--the conflation of emotional repression with emotional strength, and it's been a recurring issue for me up until the past 5 or 6 months. I was raised in an environment where when emotions were 'bad' things got terrible; where my emotions weren't regularly acknowledged--both of my parents were too wrapped up in their own emotional turmoil and it was my job to support and comfort them; where I was told from a very early age that I had to be the man of the house and, it was strongly implied, the emotions of men had no standing.
First, I'll begin with an insight I've made.
Self-repression is always rooted in weakness. There, I said it. You suppress the 'bad' emotions--sadness, anger, feeling rejected, anything that feels like it might be a burden to anyone else or might paint ourselves in a less favorable light. These in turn become resentment, bitterness, frustration, and exhaustion--until you have to explode or self-isolate. But what keeps us from accepting these emotions, from experiencing them fully, from allowing others to experience the full range of our personality?
It's simple--because we prioritize other people's emotions over our own or we don't feel confident that we can handle the situations that might result from other people feeling bad around us.
At the worst, this dynamic'll make your a codependent people-pleasing
doormat (AFC); at best, this'll make you the closed-off, cold, avoidant dude that girls might sleep with but won't ever stick around with, since they're only experiencing a shell of a person and would rather have a guy who makes them feel
terrible than a guy who makes them feel
nothing (an AFC's conception of "Alpha"). But ultimately you still feel empty and dissatisfied and--maybe it's time to get a girlfriend since all that casual sex just isn't doing it for you anymore...but wait, last time you did that you became a codependent people-pleasing doormat. No wonder so many of us fall somewhere at either of those extremes.
But what if I told you there were not 'good' or 'bad' emotions? Embrace your emotions. Acknowledge them. Experience the full range of what life has to offer--but
take responsibility for your own emotional state. You
choose how you feel and how you react to those feelings. I'm
not saying to go all Oprah on some girl, or us, or whoever'll listen; but allow yourself to experience those emotions. Your emotions don't need to be
validated or even
acknowledge; they simply are. (The girl will experience those emotions through you--and love it)
And most of what we perceive as 'bad' emotions are really just a sign that we need to
act.
Despair is good; it means you're about to make changes.
Being uncomfortable is good; it means you're trying something new.
Rejection is good; it means you went after what you wanted and'll bring you in a closer relationship with yourself.
Depression, frustration, emotional emptiness, all these are good; these mean that you're aware that you've strayed from your life's purpose.
Love is good; just don't make the mistake of attributing it to any object external to yourself.
Heartbreak is good; it means you'll come out a better person.
However, some emotions
are completely unproductive--these are guilt, blame, regret, resentment, bitterness, shame--and all of these are a result of self-repression and a lack of taking action.
