No Success At All...

[CanuckinSK]

with women, of course. I'm 37, and have only had a handfull of dates in my life. In younger years, I had people close to me tell me that I was very attractive with a good build. Women used to look at me and flirt somewhat with me.

There is virtually none of that anymore. They look away everytime I even glance in their direction. I find myself getting bitter and am now ignoring them more often in kind. I still have my hair, have the same weight I had in my 20's, and have not been disfigured in an accident.

How do you show a woman any 'charm' or personality, if they won't even return your look? I know this probably sounds like a ridiculous question to you experienced guys, but how do you attract a women if they don't like your looks?

Sorry if this comes across as a newbie question, but when it comes to dating, I guess I am.

 

[paintballz]

BUDDY!!!

read the bible

then apply it.

i promise if you add some swag to the theories you will be succsesfull!!!

 

[CanuckinSK]

The Bible??? How will that help me?

 

[Dash Riprock]

He means the DJ Bible

You are esentailly starting from square one though a little later in life than most. But don't worry; MOST guys are AFCs so in a few years (yes, years) you'll eclipse most of them.

Keep reading this site. The most important thing to do is: PRACTICE!

 

[hithard]

What are you like personality wise?

 

[CanuckinSK]

He means the DJ Bible

You are esentailly starting from square one though a little later in life than most. But don't worry; MOST guys are AFCs so in a few years (yes, years) you'll eclipse most of them.

Keep reading this site. The most important thing to do is: PRACTICE!

Ok, makes sense. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[CanuckinSK]

What are you like personality wise?

I'm pretty quiet and shy. I think I come across as articulate and intelligent to most people though. Conversley, to many women I come across as arrogant and very aloof.

Problem is, I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, something that women seem to pick up on with their ESP radar. Consequently, I don't exhibit charm or even warmth in most aspects of communication. I had one date tell me I was as cold as a stone. (it was actually her bad breath; I didn't have the heart to tell her).

From my perspective, a woman doesn't want someone she isn't attracted to showing interest in her. This is why I keep my distance, physically and emotionally. They of course, have no problem responding in kind.

 

[CanuckinSK]

Ok. Thanks for the tip Dash, and the encouragement!

 

[Mr.Positive]

I'm pretty quiet and shy.

Hey Canuck..I used to be quiet and shy. Actually, I'm still quiet for the most part and women love it. Women love a guy that will listen to them. All you have to do is learn how to "steer" the conversation.

Steer the conversation in a good direction, don't let women start babbling about all their problems.

Being quiet makes you look mysterious, so don't feel like you need to be mr. personality all the time. Just control the convo.

Being shy however, you need to overcome that. Be quiet, yet confident, and you will have a mystery about you that women can't pin point, yet will want to discover.

Just know that you can do anything you want to, all you have to do is put in the effort. Live the life that you want.

The dj bible is a good read, and a good start.

 

[hithard]

I'm pretty quiet and shy. I think I come across as articulate and intelligent to most people though. Conversley, to many women I come across as arrogant and very aloof.

Problem is, I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, something that women seem to pick up on with their ESP radar. Consequently, I don't exhibit charm or even warmth in most aspects of communication. I had one date tell me I was as cold as a stone. (it was actually her bad breath; I didn't have the heart to tell her).

From my perspective, a woman doesn't want someone she isn't attracted to showing interest in her. This is why I keep my distance, physically and emotionally. They of course, have no problem responding in kind.

Ok that’s the killer, quiet and shy. These are the problems you need to work on and it’s not always easy.

I had these very problem years ago, well a bit of a split personality. I wanted to party and have fun but felt held back because of self-confidence. After some planning on what I needed to do I actually went on holiday and forced myself to be more outgoing, joking around and having fun in group situations with women. Needless to say the sex flowed (I had a base knowledge of pickup mainly from SS back then).I then took what worked and incorporated it as best I could into my everyday life. All the stuff that didn’t I tried to stay away from.

Holiday destination was easier to start off in as everyone there wants to have a good time. Was very interesting being the life off the party back then. I was always very self conscious of not looking stupid so it was hard mentally I was still keeping myself in check. I was a lot younger then, and am not saying this is what you should do by the way

You need to project confidence (even if fake) and happiness. You need to have the semblance of being interesting. Story telling, joking around, excitement are things you need to add to your list.Once you give it a whirl at least your confidence will raise.Quiet is one thing,but shy is not good. Work on your personality and the rest will follow. Like I said it’s not easy but it will enrich your life tenfold.

 

[RecoveringAFC]

It sounds like you're a lot like me. Quiet, shy and somewhat introverted. While I certainly don't meet gobs of women I do meet a few. Those that meet me, like me after they get to know me a bit. I also come off aloof.

My approach is to talk to the women in my social circles. After a little time we've built a rapport. I then ask them out to something simple and non threatening. It works for me. I never just ask out a strange girl or ask for numbers, email etc.

While slower and safer my success rate is quite good. This also means you have to go out and be around girls.

 

[joekerr31]

if i had to guess, and thats all it would be, its that you don't give off the 'vibe' that you are confortable in your own skin.

this is different than being confident, or being extroverted. its a subtle difference put an important one.

there are are lots of people who are introverted and quiet who none the less come across as comfortable in their own skin. usually this isn't the case when they are in their 20s, but develops in their 30s.


being comfortable in your own skin is another way of saying comfortable with your life. the vibe that you are a well adjusted, content individual. if you haven't developed this by your late 30s it will defintely lower people's interest in you.

the other thing is what age are the women who are ignoring you?

let's be realistic, without game odds are 18 year old are not going to be giving eyes to a 37 year old.

are you flirting around with women in their 30s?

anyway, one of the big problems most guys on here have is the chicken and the egg scenario. if they had a woman they would be happy, but they can't get a woman without being happy first.

this is why once a guy lands a woman suddenly a bunch of other women become interested in him. mostly its because his attitude has changed. he might not think it has - he may think hes still the same old guy - but its the small stuff like he now is a bit mroe flirty, smiles more, is happy go lucky, etc.

 

[WestCoaster]

Boot camp!

I highly suggest not lingering on this board much longer, instead downloading the DJ Bible and do the boot camp. You can do the mature man boot camp if you like, I'd suggest the boot camp from the DJ Bible.

I lost a little confidence for awhile and did a mini-boot camp, just eye contacting and saying hi to people and then chatting them up. It's really helpful. It's a step-by-step confidence building process.

You can read posts here till your eyes turn red. I suggest reading the boot camp and doing the steps each day. That's stuff we were never taught and should've been. I'll link if you need them.

 

[d9930380]

Lower your standards!

Everyone here seems to say, get confidence by approaching loads of girls but
I think what really give you confidence to approach is succeeding when you approach, and it's more realistic to look to get a hit at bat than to hit a home run. Then next time at the plate you can look to knock it out of the park.

Ok enough of the bad baseball methaphor, i'm not even American.

 

[Colossus]

CanuckinSK--

I think you'll find there are a lot of guys on this board who are, or were, like you. Myself included.

I have always been a quiet, introverted guy, and even today I have a hard time socializing if I dont do it often. RecoveringAFC, WestCoaster, and Mr. Positive all had great advice. Dont try to be something youre not. You cant go out and 'act' like a loudmouth extrovert and have success, you need to find what works for you.

And your half-serious observation is correct--women CAN pick up on lack of confidence and self-esteem!! You just emit those invisible rays and it can hold you back for years.

So- do the boot camp, and work from there. Shyness is not an immutable aspect of one's personality.

 

[CanuckinSK]

I'm very impressed with the insight and intelligence of the posts in this thread. It's (somewhat) comforting to know that there are many other people out there in, or having been in, similar situations.

if i had to guess, and thats all it would be, its that you don't give off the 'vibe' that you are confortable in your own skin.

God, is that the truth! When I'm around women, I'm usually wound up like an elastic band. I try to act casual and cool, but it seems people can sense the lack of confidence and anxiety that boils underneath the veneer.

the other thing is what age are the women who are ignoring you?

let's be realistic, without game odds are 18 year old are not going to be giving eyes to a 37 year old.

are you flirting around with women in their 30s?

Pretty much all ages ignore me, the younger ones especially so. The few that do look are usually much older than me (judging by looks anyway, I'd say 45+ yo).

Truthfully, I'm not interested in dating 18 year olds. I'd feel very creepy going out with or even flirting with someone so much younger. 27-28 would likely be as young as I would consider dating, so it's no big loss regardless.

 

[CanuckinSK]

Lower your standards!

Everyone here seems to say, get confidence by approaching loads of girls but
I think what really give you confidence to approach is succeeding when you approach, and it's more realistic to look to get a hit at bat than to hit a home run. Then next time at the plate you can look to knock it out of the park.

Ok enough of the bad baseball methaphor, i'm not even American.

I get what you're saying. Ironically, I seem capable of success ONLY IF I can overcome the approaching/meeting aspect of dating. When I broke up with the few g/fs I've had, they actually seemed to take it hard, hard enough to cry anyway. I know I have a nice personality, I just can't seem to project it when I need to...

 

[synergy1]

another piece of advice I've found helpful is to make friends with someone who is naturally outgoing. Watch exactly how they are interesting to both guys and girls alike. The key trait is, you guessed it...they are comfortable doing anything they do.

If you hang around friends like this enough, you start to emulate the behavior without even knowing or trying. On the converse, if you hang around negative people who continually bash themselves, you will find yourself digressing instead of progressing in this regard.

 

[CanuckinSK]

another piece of advice I've found helpful is to make friends with someone who is naturally outgoing. Watch exactly how they are interesting to both guys and girls alike. The key trait is, you guessed it...they are comfortable doing anything they do.

If you hang around friends like this enough, you start to emulate the behavior without even knowing or trying. On the converse, if you hang around negative people who continually bash themselves, you will find yourself digressing instead of progressing in this regard.

That's an excellent idea. A little related story. I had a couple of friends in college who were VERY successful with women. Before we'd go out, the one guy would always look in the mirror and proclaim, "***k am I good looking!"

I used to just laugh at him. But the guy APPEARED to have tons of confidence, until one day I saw a chink in his armour. He turned to me and said, dead serious, "I wish I had your build." Shocked, all I could say was "I wish I had your face."

I guess it's my own fault; I should have learned more from these two Don Juans.

 

[WestCoaster]

The fabulous -- and tough -- Boot Camp

Find the boot camp and follow the steps. There's a great thread somewhere on this site of a guy in Seattle who went from geek to DJ in a matter of weeks thanks to the Boot Camp.

Note: The boot camp will give you some set backs. I decided to eye-contact and say hi and try it for a few days, the positive responses are few and far between at first. You'll get way more rejections than acceptances ... just carry on. One day I was 1 for freaking 30 on saying 'hi' and getting 'hi's back. One for 30 -- I thought I was an A-1 chump. I waded through it.

The fundamentals of doing the boot camp are more important than the results of the boot camp. What's most important is actually doing the drills and in time you'll meet success. The going is tough early on, you have to wade through b-tchy women who look at you funny and rude store clerks. F--k 'em, move on and keep getting eye contacts and conversation.

Many an AFC has bagged the boot camp because of the rejections. Don't give up, the rejections are part of building up emotional scar tissue.