next move?

[MacAvoy]

Here is the situation:

1. I move 1200 miles to be with her
2. 4 months later we get ready to move in together
3. She wants to hide the fact we are moving in together from her parents, I tell her I won't hide in my house and force her to tell her parents
4. She doesn't tell her parents about me until 2 days before she is set to move in with me
5. Have lunch with the mother the day before meeting the father, goes ok
6. Met the father, he's a complete AFC, almost crying at my kitchen table
7. Next week, her father is so upset has extremely high blood pressure
8. Basically I don't meet their standards for their daughter. She has always lived an home and is a spoiled only child, her mother is over protective. Calls her daily to tell her to put a coat on because its cold outside.
9. They continue guilt trip on daughter, saying she betrayed them
10. She wakes up one day and tells me that she can't do this anymore, that she can't keep me away from my daughter and that I should move back home
11. Basically this is her way out of breaking up, tryin to put it back on me, so she can have a guilt free breakup
12. I reply even if we are breaking up I am not moving back home, this is where my future is now, I have a job here and enjoy living here
13. I gave her the option of moving back home with her parents
14. She decides she will keep the apartment, I move out a week later
15. Sidenote:I was paying for all the rent/groceries/utilities, completely supporting her financially so she could finish her last year of school, now her parents have to pay for everything
16. We continue to see each other, basically become fvck buddies
17. After we are broken up but I am still staying there, I go out to a concert one night, come home sleep on the coach and when I wake up at 6 am, go to the bedroom, she asks where I've been, I tell her after the concert I met this girl, went to her place, but it didn't feel right so I left, came back here and slept on the couch
18. We make love and I have a weak moment, more less agree that as long as she fvcks me whenever I want, I won't sleep around
19. Fast forward a few weeks, I'm loving my new place / lifestyle / freedom, starting jogging, goin to concerts, doing things I never could do when I was with her
20. Now I'm for a trip back home this weekend, well Saturday night we go to a hockey game together, after the game, I drop her off at home then go home.
21. Fast forward couple hours and couple beers = drunk dialing, end up at her place
22. Tell her that I am falling out of love with her and that I don't see a future and that its time that I should move on. She starts cryin tellin me she doesn't want me to leave, that she loves me etc....

Basically I wanted to test where she was emotionally. Up until this point, everything that she did told me that she still was not committing to me. She made sure that whenever I went over, after sex I always went home, etc... there was always clear lines which I had no problem with. Basically I did what your suppose to do and walk away, agree with breaking up etc... moved on with my life, but didn't make a clean break.

At the end of the day, I still feel the same way about this women. I truly believe we could have a future. However I'm not gonna be AFC and put all my eggs in one basket. Before I moved here I cheated constantly as I need more sex than the LD LTR could provide.

So what she I do next in terms of moving this forward. I know the mistakes I made. I knew she was flakey as this is her first relationship, we've known each other for 5 years and it took her this long to move this far. I pushed the meeting the parents thing a little too much as I know realize it was too much for her to deal with.

For the past few weeks, I have completely avoided any talk of us / relationship and it worked in that she got comfortable / use to the idea of us being together after that morning when she said we are broken up.

So how do I continue to build value in the relationship. The other thing is, I am protective of my feelings now, not willing to risk my emotions anymore but at the same time I realize I can't build an emotional bond with her if I don't commit some emotions. How should I proceed?

 

[squirrels]

You shouldn't have done #1, but it sounds like you made it work for you.

You should've been out at #3.

It sounds like you've got her hooked for the time being, but I question how long it could last.

 

[warpy]

sounds to me like you know what you are doing, so keep it up...

i do how ever agree about #1/#3.. thats a big nono.

 

[Docs]

MacAvoy...Sit back for a second. You say there's a future in this relationship, so you run her though tests, play head games and the like. Is that a relationship you want, where it's not about the true feelings, but trying to test whatever is there.

Drop the act, this isnt' a proper relationship, and continuing to do it this way will fail at some point. Now is a good time as any to sort both of yourselves out, with the ideals of the relationship, about how you feel about each other, about how outside influence affects both of you. Only when that's done, can a real relationship come into focus, or the seperation of your ways because you've been blinded as to how it really is.

I say again, drop the act and get a move on with life for the better.

 

[Desdinova]

Most people advise against...

move 1200 miles to be with her

because...

She wakes up one day and tells me that she can't do this anymore, that she can't keep me away from my daughter and that I should move back home

and other things can happen.

If she wants to be forever latched onto her mom's nipple, it's best to let her do that and move on with your life.

 

[joekerr31]

this girl is wacked.

you are wacked also if you left your kid to be with her.

probably the best thign to do in this situation is to book yorurelves on jerry springer.

 

[ElChoclo]

Continue as FBs. Forget about any emotional investment. Forget about any testing. Emotional investment in itself, has never achieved the goals sought by those who come here.

BTW you didn't mention that you pushed to meet the parents in your original thread about this problem. Could be that you wanted a showdown, now you don't like how it turned out. Same could be said of the testing.

Is her father really paying for the old apartment you used to share. No wonder his blood pressure is up.

 

[MacAvoy]

This entire relationship has been about a balance / struggle in The Cardinal Rule of Relationships

In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

We have both been fighting for the power. She is use to getting what she wants and so am I. She is more of a natural whereas I am consciously using my DJ knowledge to move the relationship to where I want it.

I've realized over the past week that I've gotten pretty good at neg'ing. I've known that with someone who views themselves as a 9.5 and gets treated that way by everyone around them, to be successful neg'ing would be my most powerful weapon. I've used it pretty good in the past week calling her a cheapskate for bickering over a few dollars, and I know it worked, could tell by her reaction and after that she made a conscious effort to not nitpick over something so trivial. Another way I did it was by teasing her about being OCD. It worked great, with her giving me those little hits and "as if you just called me that"

Now this isn't a perfect world and for all of yous that she did this wrong, ditch her, well the fact is she's had to put up with alot of my BS and if I'm going to dish it out, I'm going to have to take some in return. Its all a matter of how much is acceptable. Going in to this, I know what her flaws were and I can live with taking BS on those fronts.

Last night I couldn't decide what to do. After some serious soul searching, I decided I wasn't ready to walk away. I have to much invested. However I am not willing to dive in stupidly either. So I didn't know how I would proceed. Well I only have a couple more days before I go back to Ontario and didn't have to work at my second job so I called her up to spend a few hours together.

I worked her up real good, got her all hot but I wouldn't put it in her. She was all over me all night but I resisted pretty good. Finally after making her beg for it and teasin her a little, I finally gave it to her. We were both really enjoying it, the intensity when it came to me. What I would do.

I had come up with the deal breaker. A way for me to get what I want or the means to get out and make a clean break. Her problem has always been around commitment and her actions not living up to her words. This has been true for the 5 years I've known her which is why I've been careful the amount I commit in return. After her balkin to her parents desires, I am not willing to commit to a relationship with her. But over the past few days, she's been very emotional / loving, showing me that she wants more, well I don't buy it because there isn't the action to go with it. I know if I call her on it, she'll buckle. So I've built interest and raised her IL in me the past few weeks by returning to the DJ ways and avoid any talk about relationships.

So my bright idea was to ask her to get a tattoo for me. I asked her when we were in the heat of it. First she asked of what because I joked in the past about her getting my name ( I know cheesy) so I told her of anything that she wants and she said ok. So when I go to leave, I tell her to think about what she wants, she, being the consumate player replies "what do you mean what I want" I said what we talked about, now she's pretending she didn't hear me.

This chick is good. So now she's either going to get a tattoo or we are done. Its that simple. She can get whatever she wants but the thing about it is it is permanent and it is a symbol of her commitment to this relationship but not something that she has to feel embarrassed about if things go sour. If she doesn't it gives me the power to walk away. and if she does, it also gives me the power back in the relationship.

 

[warpy]

hey mac, thats interesting.

 

[ElChoclo]

I know a girl whose BF made her get a tattoo of his family crest on her back. Now it is being lasered off.

You can't seem to resist testing. It isn't a test anyway if she chooses what goes on. You wanted your name but didn't have the authority to insist on it, preferring to rationalize your decision by suggesting it was cheesy. You still won't have it when she comes back with a rose tattooed on her buttock.

If she doesn't have any tattoos already, I'm betting she won't get one. If she does have some, maybe a new small one will appear. But you have still lost this game.

 

[MacAvoy]

Continue as FBs. Forget about any emotional investment. Forget about any testing. Emotional investment in itself, has never achieved the goals sought by those who come here.

BTW you didn't mention that you pushed to meet the parents in your original thread about this problem. Could be that you wanted a showdown, now you don't like how it turned out. Same could be said of the testing.

Is her father really paying for the old apartment you used to share. No wonder his blood pressure is up.

After taking a night to sleep on it, your right. Its time to stay focussed and stick to what works. Avoiding relationship talk, not putting forward any emotional investment has worked for me the past few weeks. At the end of the day, it was AFC of me to try push it back in the relationship direction.

You are right about the testing as well. Its something that I've known I've always been big on. Now that I know where she is emotionally, its time for me to get back to being aloof.

Her father is paying the apartment but that is not why he blood pressure was up. It was up before he started to pay and I think he is happier with the thought that I am out of the picture, in his mind, its a small price to pay. I feel sorry for the coot when he finds out I'm still pluggin his daughter.

As for not mentioning pushing the parents in the original thread, it is something that I overlooked. I originally thought the break up was about the drinking but it had nothing to do with that.

I was a little slow in translating the ******** as she couldn't come out and say what was the real problem. It took me a while but I figured it out, it had everything to do with her parents health and not disappointing them.

Its back to FB's and no ******d emotional investment, I'm just afraid that I will somehow get attached if I don't keep my eyes open and end up AFC in a years time. I guess its time to start spinning more plates.

Having this knowledge is great, putting it to use it also great, but having the strength to do completely opposite of what your heart tells you to do takes practice but the payoff is priceless.

 

[Latinoman]

You cannot force her to do things. She will eventually resent you. Are you can do is lead her and influence her. And for this kind of girls, it takes lot of DJ skills (sometimes even Playa skills).

If you want her to wear a tattoo…perhaps you should wear the same exact one. Something to do as a couple. You see? It is permanent and if that is what you need from her…then perhaps that’s what she might need from you.

My point is…not getting a tattoo does NOT equal into not loving you.

However, what I personally don’t like is she saying “yes” and then acting stupid. I respect more, if she would have say “no”. Or if she would have said “yes” and then changed her mind and told you so straight up. After all, it might not be about you and more to do with a personal preference.

The more serious issue in here is control and uncertainty. You must have control of your life. And she is a bag of uncertainty. Can she be fixed? I believe so. But only after you apply some serious DJ skills.

I do believe you have done a lot of things very well. And I believe she is starting to realize you are willing to walk away.

She is weak and a little spoiled. I understand having parents influence…but cannot understand having parents running an adult person’s life. The only way things work with this kind of women is if you take charge of the situation. And you have. But make sure you are FAIR. Being fair does NOT make you an AFC.

I’m assuming she is in her 20s.

Note: Lot of people like to suggest the “next her” thing when it comes to situations. But let be honest, NO woman is perfect. So, there are always issues. You next does that are not worth of your effort…and should try and work with the ones you have already invested something…or at least until you realize there no more worth.

 

[MacAvoy]

I forgot to mention in the last post that I decided against the tattoo. After sleeping on it, I realize that it was an emotional reaction / sh1t test that I created in my mind in the heat of the moment. It took two days for me to realize the stupidity. Luckily I have cut down the amount that she is in my life now and haven't talked to her in a couple days, so she had no idea the foolishness I was planning.

You cannot force her to do things. She will eventually resent you. Are you can do is lead her and influence her. And for this kind of girls, it takes lot of DJ skills.

Your right. Forcing her to make a decision will only result in a decision to leave. On one hand that was what I was looking for, a way out. However, its not the way to get what you want, I'll manipulate the situation so that she ends up wanting what I want.

She is weak and a little spoiled. I understand having parents influence…but cannot understand having parents running an adult person’s life. The only way things work with this kind of women is if you take charge of the situation. And you have. But make sure you are FAIR. Being fair does NOT make you an AFC.

She is weak and spoiled when it comes to he parents. Its a balancing act, I tried the taking charge route, I was the man and took charge when the parents came to my house. Her father was complete AFC and her mom wore the pants but at the end of the day, she was concerned for her parents health and was not about to risk her parents health over the situation.

I’m assuming she is in her 20s.

Note: Lot of people like to suggest the “next her” thing when it comes to situations. But let be honest, NO woman is perfect. So, there are always issues. You next does that are not worth of your effort…and should try and work with the ones you have already invested something…or at least until you realize there no more worth.

She is 25, in the last year of a medical radiation technician program and is very close to getting into medical school. Thats one of the big reasons why her parents are overprotective. Well its her mothers natural personality, she takes it to extreme but they are also very financially orientated towards their daughter. They see her as earning a good income and don't want her to end up with a blood sucking nobody. They fail to give her credit for wanting someone who is an achiever as well.

This is because 8 years ago, the last time she had a boyfriend in high school, he was the local drug dealer. So they automatically assume because I don't have my degree, and have a daughter, that I am in the same boat as the drug dealer. They refuse to look at the entire picture. They have their blinders on.