Next her?

[brian123]

To make a long story short, Ive known this girl for a few weeks who has displayed interest in me and seems really great in numerous areas and we click very well, but by her own admittance she has been hurt by guys in the past and would like to get to know a guy pretty well before dating them and she says how she is just getting to know me.

* She is going on a trip for 1-2 weeks for school and has basically went out of her way to mention to me that she wants to be single while on the trip so she can focus on school (she is going with all girls to an all girl event, so I know she is not going to mess around etc...)


Id be looking for a LTR with this girl. I have FB's on the side that take care of my needs for now, but are not LTR material.


My company is having a dressy xmas event. I asked her to come. She said yes, but then went out of her way to mention that it was "Not a date"

Should I flake on her about the dressy event tonight, or should I just assume that she is still just "getting to know me" and that she doesn't want to start something before her trip?

 

[daring wraith]

hello Brian,

I feel your pain, every girl i seem to meet these days is doing this "i don't wanna date, lets take this slow, i've been hurt before" routine. Personally i blame Cosmopolitan and other women's literature (and i use the word literature loosely).

But anyways, I think the question here is "do you think she's worth it"?

In my experience of this, women tend to stop playing games relatively quickly and jump into a relationship (and bed) within a normal "playing hard to get" time frame. All it requires, as we all know, is just tender, loving attention and care.

I'd take her on your little company trip and play the nice guy approach, making women percieve they are part of your life is a pretty effective tool and knocking guards down........ and remember theres always mistletoe at christmas.......

P.S. In regard to her "school trip", i would suggest give her her own space, call/meet her before and after the event, bu not during.

Good Luck,

 

[Mr Autobahn]

Does she know about your short term relationships?

 

[brian123]

Does she know about your short term relationships?

The ones I am in now? No. She knows another girl who was interested in me (long story but this girl approached me/was very flirty with me at my cousins wedding) I made it clear that I was not interested in this girl and didn't flirt back at the wedding.

 

[true romance]

next her...

turn things around..tell her you want to know her more and you are not comfortable going to office party with her....


You want to spend time with girls who interested in you..she has her own problems let her deal with it.

My current gf has some issue with previous BF but she does not give me this line "i don't wanna date, lets take this slow, i've been hurt before". she was interested in me and give me her time..

jus show confidence and know what you want ..she will respect you and come around...Continue to flirt and be light heart..don't show that you want LTR right away..just have fun..

 

[brian123]

next her...

turn things around..tell her you want to know her more and you are not comfortable going to office party with her....


You want to spend time with girls who interested in you..she has her own problems let her deal with it.

My current gf has some issue with previous BF but she does not give me this line "i don't wanna date, lets take this slow, i've been hurt before". she was interested in me and give me her time..

jus show confidence and know what you want ..she will respect you and come around...Continue to flirt and be light heart..don't show that you want LTR right away..just have fun..

Good advice. I was thinking the same. She has dated guys in the past, but usually takes a while to get to know them first, so it's not like these are recent "issues."

I was thinking of saying this to her today: Id keep it short and say that I do enjoy talking with her (she has already said that she likes talkign with me, so I am not going out on a limb), but that I can see that she is kind of weirded out by the fancy offer party and seeing it as a date, so we can just do something else some other time, but that if she wants to talk over xmas break before she goes away for a week or two, that she can just give me a call.

Hows that?

To me, her behavior towards me is flaky, and obviously flaky behavior = low interest and I dont have time for that,

 

[Smartone84]

Not a date? Fine. Take her out just this ONCE as a "friend", and then thats it. After that, it has to be considered a "date". Consider this xmas party a "trial run" for her, if shes even WORTH it to u though.

 

[brian123]

Not a date? Fine. Take her out just this ONCE as a "friend", and then thats it. After that, it has to be considered a "date". Consider this xmas party a "trial run" for her, if shes even WORTH it to u though.

I really don't want to waste my time on this girl if it isn't going to go anywhere. I have enough friends. I dont even want to dress up and pick up this girl if she is going to go out of her way to not call it a date, then to me, she doesnt warrant the effort of going with her.

Think about it, if she had ANY feelings for me, she wouldn't have mentioned the "not a date" part. I am going to turn the tables on her and tell her that she is a nice girl, but I don't feel comfortable taking her to a "date" setting considering I don't know her well enough.

Initially, I figured taking her to a really fancy place, where we had to dress up would impress her and help to escalate. I guess I was wrong.

 

[MisterMcGee]

It doesn't matter if she considers it a DATE. She's simply making herself feel better by following her rules. The fact of the matter is that this IS a date, no matter what she wants to label it, and it'll serve the same purpose that a date does in getting you two closer to each other.
What you need to do is pull romantic stuff, since you need to make her feel safe and protected and trustworthy. I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you, and I feel all I need to do is gently pull out the big guns and make a bold, yet genuine and affectionate move.

 

[Sandow]

All these excuses she's giving you are red flags. Do you really want to pursue something that is going take this much time and effort, wouldn't u rather be with someone that is really interested in u and doesn't make excuses and doesn't say "I don't wanna be your date." Bro, there are plenty of girls out there, this one seems like damaged goods.

Even if you were to get her, I can picture her down the road making some dumbass excuse why she's not ready or some other B.S.

Now of course don't tell her this. I would personally not pursue her, but rather keep her around, maybe just be friends and KIT every now and then.

It's up to you, If your crazy for her then go for it. But know her red flags and don't say we didn't warn you.

 

[Smartone84]

Think about it, if she had ANY feelings for me, she wouldn't have mentioned the "not a date" part. I am going to turn the tables on her and tell her that she is a nice girl, but I don't feel comfortable taking her to a "date" setting considering I don't know her well enough.

I hear ya and I know where u are coming from, but some girls are just weird like that. You gotta ask yourself what kind of girl she is. Could you honestly see yourself getting anywhere with her? If so, give her this one time out, if she pulls the same nonsense after, its next w/o a doubt. But since u say u dont even wanna go that route, then do what u want, maybe you have other girls lined up already, i dont know...

 

[brian123]

One side of me says that if I am friends with her first, she will get with me. Ive seen pictures of her exs, and i am WAYYY better looking. So I am sure she finds me attractive. She also complements me on tons of stuff, so putting 2 and 2 together says she will like me. She told me she was friends with all her bfs before she dated them

The other side of me says that she really disrespected me by saying "its not a date" and I also dont feel like putting forth any effort on someone who MIGHT be interested in me.

I told her to give me a call, not sure what I am going to do.

 

[Igetit!]

One side of me says that if I am friends with her first, she will get with me.

One side of you says to be friends first? Well,that's the side NOT to listen to. You've been here long enough to know the dangers of the friendzone. You'd be better off completely ignoring her and going on with your life than trying to sneak into dating her through being her friend.

Ive seen pictures of her exs, and i am WAYYY better looking.

Look,you know that we guys are more attacted to the opposite sex more on a physical level and women are attracted to men on more of an emotional level. This is narcissim. You think because your attracted to her physically,that she attracted to you physically. A woman can be physically attracted to a man,but usually it's after being emotionally attracted first. Go with that instead of thinking she's attracted to you because you think you're good-looking.

She told me she was friends with all her bfs before she dated them

That's what she said,right? Remember to go by her actions,not her words,unless her words and actions line up.

The other side of me says that she really disrespected me by saying "its not a date"

She didn't disrespect you. She was just letting you know where she stood in case you misinterpet the two of you hanging out. She was just throwing out a hint in case in your mind you thought it was a date.

It seems to me that she's sensing that you might be interested in her,so she's giving you signals to warn you not to pursue her. This way if you do asked her out and she has to reject you,she'll say,"I told you it wasn't a date",or"I told you I wanted to be single".

This way if she has to turn you down,she'll be innocent because she gave you fair warning.

 

[brian123]

Igetit: GREAT post. I totally agree with everything. I was too busy looking at all the "whatif" scenarios. I needed to take a step back and see things for what they were worth.

It's too late to cancel on her now (im supposed to pick her up in like 30 min), so if anything, I will scope out the place we are going to see if it impresses this girl, so I can use it on other WORTHY girls in the future.

I am working my way up from being an AFC, and I learned something here. So in the end, I am better off.

 

[TheRealSupreme]

Brian, I personally do not have time for that I have been hurt bullshyt women try to throw on you these days.

I also find it insulting that she even had the nerve to say this wasn't a date.

I would call her up and communicate those 2 things to her and say you have changed your mind.

Explain that you can't fix her and that is her issue. Your a normal and adjusted man and your life doesn't roll that way.

Now if you did go after this girl she will try to control you with that I've been hurt crap and you will be out over a grand in dates before you get there and it's just not worth it. Girls like that suck in bed cause they have that I've been hurt crap running all through their lives.

She may look good on the outside but in my opinion she stinks on the inside with the very nerve of saying its not a date.

I don't know where these women get off these days crushing a man's ballz like that.

 

[brian123]

Thanks guys. I actually think it was just her being a bit shy with the whole "not a date thing." Yea, it WAS rude in my book and immature (I never once used the word date when setting it up with her, and never tried to make any moves on her other than small kino and such)

When I went to pick her up, I paid attention to how she dressed. I can tell she put a good amount of effort into how she looked. On the way there she kept making little comments like if it was a date or not. I didn't really answer and blew it aside the entire night whenever she brought it up. I can tell throughout the night she was acting more flirty with me/looking at me etc... She brought her camera and asked for people working there to take alot of pictures of us.

On the way home (I can tell she was shy) she mentioned that it was in fact a date and how much fun she had etc...(and I continued to play it casual and cool)

I won't see her for like a ~month because of the holidays and we are both leaving town for a while, but in the meantime, I will keep spinning my other plates. I won't read into anything too much and just go with the flow.

 

[Igetit!]

Well ain't this a trip. She wnet out of her way to tell you that is wasn't a date,then she had so much fun with you,that when it was over,she changed her mind and said that in fact it was a date. That's just being a woman. I guess in the beginning she didn't know you well enough or didn't feel enough chemistry to label it a date. This way if things had been bad or not gone well,then afterwards if you had asked her to go out again,then she'd of pulled out that "I told you it wasn't a date card".

I think I'm beginning to get a better understanding of why women are so indecisive,and always giving us the "I don't know","I'm not sure","maybe" lines.
I hate to say this,but it's actually a pretty ingenious idea.

 

[brian123]

It seems like she was just shy. And if it was labeled a "date" then I guess it would have just been awkward for her I think. I am pretty sure she wants to get to know the guy 1st.

 

[loving]

Yes.