Need some help from mature guys

[moneyisking]

Hi, I am 23, been on this forum for roughly 3 yrs or so. Today I want to ask some grown up, mature men who are socially successful and generally does well overall in life. This is not really about women issue, but more about a life as a man. Let's begin and thanks for reading this serious question.




When I was 20, I was severely heart-broken to pieces (2nd time a girl I really liked ended hooking up with my good buddy, knowingly) beyond the point my psyche and gestalt were seriously tainted; I unconsciously started hating almost everyone and everything including but not limited to babies, women, people in general, annoying old people, etc. From that point on, I have been harboring chronic depression that creeps up every 2-3 days and just kills my inside out. I have talked to family, a friend or two, but family saw it as a phase, and friends didn't really have answers for me. Still to this day, I fantasize how great it would be if I could die almost everyday.

Even after that damage, I kept going for women, and tried to accrue my knowledge with girls, but in whole, didn't make much progress. I have a problem: I cannot connect with other human beings at all. I have about 1 friend that I can connect with. I tried to actually care about people, like them, connect with them, but my brain cannot register what "connection' between human beings is anymore. Most people I secretly hate. I sat at my university class looking at all the pretty females and though "Would I be able to handle them even if they jumped up at me and asked me out?" I thought no, because I don't like, can't like her. I can't even conjure up what "liking" means in my head anymore. I talk with people, and the conversation doesn't work out because I don't genuinely care about anyone.

It's a paradox. I want to be cool, sociable, likeable guy and I want people to like and care about me, but I at the same time despise them and hate them, so no wonder why it won't work. At this point, there is no way I can develop in any spectrum in terms with women; sh!t I can't even make a real guy friend! What am I supposed to do at this point? I struggled with this over couple months, and when I am in crowd, talking just sounds like background noises, and I am just sitting there and feels total disconnection from the world in entirety. Can someone advice my situation? Thank you for reading this long read.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Depression is not the same as immaturity. People of all ages and maturity levels get depressed. I think it is often chemical. That doesn't make pills the magic answer, but even drugs are better than wanting to die all the time. At least they can get you through therapy, the object of which is to figure out why you feel the way you do.

fwiw, I had to look up what "gestalt" meant. And I am not exactly slow. Depression and high intelligence often occur together.

 

[JohnChops]

Depression is not the same as immaturity. People of all ages and maturity levels get depressed. I think it is often chemical. That doesn't make pills the magic answer, but even drugs are better than wanting to die all the time. At least they can get you through therapy, the object of which is to figure out why you feel the way you do.

fwiw, I had to look up what "gestalt" meant. And I am not exactly slow. Depression and high intelligence often occur together.

Why is that ? Is it because being intelligent means you over think everything to the worst possible outcome or over think ever situation which increases stress thus making you fail which would lead to your depression?

 

[flashpoint]

when i was like 5 or 6 years younger than that i was going through something similar. finally i just tried to get away from it all and took some time off just to be as far as possible from what angers me. did a lot of meditation and such and after a year i was at peace with myself and with the world around me. if you want a shortcut to that, just learn to let go. let go of anger, of illusions, of pride of everything. then find yourself in what is left.

later on i also got into psychology and group dynamics, did a lot of stuff there to explore myself (and get the occasional crazy chick haha) and with time you start to become a lot more relaxed about it all.

so i think i can relate to the anger deep down and i think sometimes it just needs to stay there for a while. eventually though you need to find a way to deal with it, letting it go as said. you can even make it a mantra "i let that anger go" or the like. and if you are doing that long enuff something else steps in. at least according to my experience.

and ya for the depression: to my understanding that is something like a sideeffect. you are repressing so much energy in yourself which drains you up to the point where you feel just empty. sports and the like can help, expressing that anger from time to time does as well.

 

[Skalioppe]

Hey mate, you've reached that disillusion zone and you're caught in the rut. I've been there, it's horrid, but by asking the question and wanting change you've started your journey to resolution.

Your hate of people is a manifestation of your own self loathing, which has come from your depression which in turn has been caused by grieving for your exes. It's natural to get depressed it's part of grieving cycle (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but in your case you haven't reached the acceptance phase, I think you're festering. Acceptance comes from self progression, (that's what fuels our self esteem, confidence, happiness) and there's one simple secret to achieve that.... short term goals and LOTS of them, new ones all the time. These can be as trivial as you like, but it's all about focusing on achieving something. E.g. "I'm going to sign up for a running club this week", "I'm going to fix that broken drawer by Thursday", "I'm going try to beat my record benchpress at the gym tonight", "I'm going to approach 3 women tonight at the pub". "I'm going to read Richard Dawkins new book this month", "I'm going to try windsurfing by the end of the month" Goals, goals, goals!!!! It's not always about succeeding in them either, it's about progression and the journey. You see, when we achieve goals or attempt them we get a seratonin and dopamine boost, often an adrenaline boost, which makes us feel good. Feeling good makes us happy about our achievements, makes us believe we can make things happen and that confidence and makes us really LIVE life. It's cause an effect, it helps our interactions with people and perception of them and us too. With each goal succeeded we learn about what we're capable of and learn not fear new targets. But it's about self awareness.

If you see a miserable person in a supermarket you turn away, whereas see a happy smiling person you smile back, you look at them, warm to them. It's infectious, it's how we work. Ever noticed how the funny positive guys have loads of friends and girlfriends? It's because they own a simple thing we all want.... and that is to be happy. It's the most attractive thing in the world. These people have achieved that through their own progression over the years. No-one want to be near misery, simple as, and as hard as it is to hear, that's why you don't make friends.

Time to stop looking at people like you do, being negative, it's fvcking stupid and proliferates that self pitying sh1t you've got going on.

So I'm telling you what you are going to do, someone needs to.... You have to set at LEAST one goal a day, more if you can, something you wouldn't have done otherwise, make some really challenging, but for fvck's sake, MAN up and try to tick each one off. If you fail, so be it, set another one. So here's your first one, courtesy of me : Have a goal at smiling and being positive for three days (even if it's totally contrived), that's smiling, saying hello to strangers and / or saying something nice to them. "That's a lovely dress you're wearing", "I love your smile", "what a fantastic sunny day today?". You're not trying to pull, that can be a later goal, I just want you to see the overall effect you are eventually going to achieve.

Self pity was yesterday, today you need to change. Good luck and report back on how right I was!...

 

[MikeOck]

As others have said, you seem to be suffering from depression. A therapist/psychiatrist can help and is nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[moneyisking]

thanks for all the posts so far. To refer to some posts, I think simple-minded people are very blessed (that doesn't equal stupid) because they don't think dumb crap that doesn't need to be thought, while people like me think and think and get serious insomnia. About letting go... I try to let go often. I actually meditated, did some exercises and claimed to let go. As with goals, I have goals every day haha; studying my butt off for some difficult classes is a burdening goal, and lifting iron and pushing my physique beyond satisfaction is also my thing. As for smiling at people and etc, I often say hi to people on streets if eyes meet, but I don't recall smiling or complimenting very much. I just think "oh well wtf is complimenting someone going to do for me, make me happier? ha!" and unfortunate cycle continues. I do seriously need to get more optimistic though. I will try to compliment someone everyday like you suggested when I remember. Stuck in a rut haha what the hell.

 

[Skalioppe]

Reread your response to the comments. A lot of it is dismissive of the advice, validating your own "I've tried it, it doesn't work", defeatist mind set.

thanks for all the posts so far. To refer to some posts, I think simple-minded people are very blessed (that doesn't equal stupid) because they don't think dumb crap that doesn't need to be thought, while people like me think and think and get serious insomnia.

I suffer from insomnia because my mind is always active too, I'm always thinking about stuff. So I sympathise with you. But it isn't the end of the world, it's actually an asset in many ways.

About letting go... I try to let go often. I actually meditated, did some exercises and claimed to let go.

No, you haven't let go yet. That's why you are depressed and bitter. You won't let go until you change yourself. But you seem intent on continually deferring or denying you need to do that.

As with goals, I have goals every day haha; studying my butt off for some difficult classes is a burdening goal, and lifting iron and pushing my physique beyond satisfaction is also my thing.

You are COMPLETELY missing the point about having goals. Running your normal life, studying at school, going to the gym aren't goals! Goals are new challenges you set yourself, things that you mightn't be inclined to do, that challenge your mettle. Goals often start small and then as you progress should be more challenging. It's about continual reinvention, rediscovery and personal evolution - you are bringing about a change in yourself and THAT is the important part. Static people are miserable people. You are static and in denial about it, simple as. Until you see that, you'll be left festering in your own depression.

As for smiling at people and etc, I often say hi to people on streets if eyes meet, but I don't recall smiling or complimenting very much. I just think "oh well wtf is complimenting someone going to do for me, make me happier? ha!" and unfortunate cycle continues. I do seriously need to get more optimistic though. I will try to compliment someone everyday like you suggested when I remember. Stuck in a rut haha what the hell.

That's the first positive thing you've said. Yes you need to be more optimistic. You'll soon see the rewards of it *if* you abide by it. Your cynicism and pessimism is a result of your depression, but your depression and depression's typical unwillingness to try to address it feeds it. It's a vicious circle, cyclic and destructive.

Like I said, time to change fella......

 

[VladPatton]

Skalioppe makes some very valid points. I've been on this forum for less than a week and if it is one thing that I've learned is that letting go is a huge thing. At least for me it is. Too many 'why's, how's, and what if's' really do nothing for you. Basically live in the moment. What am I doing NOW? Whatever you did a week or a month or a year ago is long gone, and the girls we never got are more likely not thinking about us right now, so why should you?
I've also found getting out of your comfort zone can be great therapy too. Once again, set a goal. It will be uncomfortable for 5 mins, then as you are going through it, you fortify your mind with the experience. You are now one atomic unit better than yesterday. And if you did it yesterday, you sure as hell can do it again today. Try it out. Make yourself a mental stamp that says "FVCK IT!" and begin craving change.

Good luck, and let us know how you're progressing.

 

[moneyisking]

thanks guys. busy work ahead