Need some advice about EX-FIANCE'

[fortminor]

I need some no BS advice on what someone thinks my ex is up to, if anything.

Here is the background-We were together and engaged for about 4 years. We also lived together and basically seemed married. Our relationship was nearly perfect so I thought but things happened and she broke up with me. She pretty much said she wants to be single and realized she is to young to be married and the whole nine yards. After finding this site I realized I made tons of mistakes. Anyways...we split about a year ago and for what it was worth we still hung out occasionally and have always still kept in touch about once a week to discuss business related things only. She has a boyfriend that she is with for about 9 months now and the wierd thing is we still talk and all that. So about a few months ago she calls me out of the blue and I sensed she was up to something. She told me that she was going to be breaking up with her bf so I guess I was the fallback guy. Well she actually stayed with him anyways. Since then she says that she is happy with him and she wants me to be happy with someone else to. We have both told each other that we really miss each other and all that business. So today she calls me out of the blue for no reason at all which was a little wierd so I thought maybe her and the bf were on the rocks again. Well it turns out that things were OK with them. So I'm thinking what the hell was her deal then? Is she keeping me on the back burner? She was asking me if I was working today cuse she wanted to stop in to see me. To keep this short as possible I'm am leaving tons of other things out of the whole story but that is the bulk of it. She told me a while ago that if things happened she would like to give things another try.

Yeah I know what your thinking....Dude get over her! She is obviously just keeping you on the side just in case. I understand that. But what is her point of still talking to me if she has a serious bf now? I know this guy would be pissed if he found out that we still talked and we still saw each other once in a great while. I know I could never trust this girl again if she's pulling this behind the new boyfriend's back. I don't need advice on things like-do you think I should hold out for her or things like that, but I'm wondering what you think her intentions are for still having anything to do with me anymore? SHe had no reason to call me today other than just to talk. My guard is way up because she really screwed me over in the past. Do I wish I was still with her? Yes-because to this day I have never found a hotter and better girl. I mean we were supposed to be married and all that so she was obviously "special" to me. I know that once a girl does you wrong then you need to move on to the next one and all but what the hell is her deal? I am not currently with anyone but if I was I wouldnt be talking to my ex period. Do you think that she is just keeping me around as a back-up cuse she knows Im not with someone? Any ideas or advice if you have experience with this please let me know.

 

[chuchu]

I dont usually replied to these kinds of post, but you remined me of myself from the past, so here it goes.

Originally posted by fortminor
I need some no BS advice on what someone thinks my ex is up to, if anything.

Why would you care what she is up to? What are you up to? what are your game plans? You're a dead fish on dried land, are you waiting for someone to clean you up?

Originally posted by fortminor
Our relationship was nearly perfect so I thought but things happened and she broke up with me.

Let's focus on this part. Why does she leave? It gotta be one of these. Dont lie to yourself my friend. Take a look;

1. She's feeling peer pressure
"Can't you do better than this?" is the incessant mantra from mom, her girlfriends and her co-workers, all of whom are judging you by the size of your wallet, primarily.

2. She's bored
You've been catering to her every whim, giving in to her demands, and doing everything her way. Now, you're no longer a challenge and she wants to find a Bad Boy for a while. Of course, he'll just use and abuse her, and then she'll be on the hunt again for a nice guy like you, repeating the whole pattern.

3. She's moved on mentally
She's made new friends, moved into a different social circle, and you no longer fit in.

4. She's immature and indecisive
She keeps breaking up and coming back to you. She's just not certain about what she wants.

5. She's a psycho
She's emotionally fragile or craves drama. Her past relationship history consists of a series of crazy affairs and abrupt breakups. No matter how well you treat her, she's got problems and will find a way to sabotage your relationship.

6. She has no loyalty to you
She has affairs just because she wants to or to convince herself that she's still attractive to men. Naturally, it was you who "drove" her to do this.

7. She's sold you a bill of goods
At the start of the relationship, she was full of life, a blast to hang out with, not to mention a sexual wildcat. But now that you've fallen for her, all this has stopped. Her attitude is: "Why should I bother? He has me , after all. What more could he want?" She lops off her hair, puts on weight, and becomes more and more demanding. When you complain, she snaps back at you, "Take me as I am," and proceeds to blame all the relationship problems on you, and eventually leave you.


You have to understand that women are very selfish creatures, they get into relationships for selfish reasons and they leave for selfish reasons. They are constantly looking to feather their nests, and have absolutely no guilt or remorse about using you or any other man to get what they want.

Originally posted by fortminor
After finding this site I realized I made tons of mistakes.

You haven't learned yet, you still making tons of mistakes.

Originally posted by fortminor
She told me a while ago that if things happened she would like to give things another try.

But if being involved with you was so terrible, then why would she even bother to make an attempt to come back? It's not because she suddenly realized what a great guy you are.

Maybe in one of these reasons;

1. The new guy turned out to be less than expected. He didn't have as much money as he advertised, or turned out to be cheap or just as selfish as she is. All of a sudden, you're looking like a much better prospect.

2. The new guy turned out to be even more boring than she thought you were.

3. She can't manipulate the new guy the way she can manipulate you.

4. All the same reasons that she left you are repeating themselves.

5. She knows you'll just roll over and take her back.

What should you do?
Your job is to sit down, and calmly and unemotionally assess the reasons she left, and the reasons she wants to come back. If all you can up with is a long list of negatives, then write her off to experience and move on. But if she seems sincere, or you think another try is really worth the effort, then ask yourself the following questions:
Has she changed, or are the same problems there? Is she just covering them up to hook you again? Is she acting sweet and nice now just so you'll take her back?

Is she trying to come back because she realizes she really cares about you, or because it's convenient for her and she's desperate because no one else will put up with her crap?

Has she learned not to be so selfish and greedy, or are you doomed to go through the whole breakup scenario again if someone "better" comes along?

Has she gotten counseling and is she really trying to change her life?

Is she someone you would be non-sexual friends with?


make a rational decision

Also, take the time to examine your own motives. Why would you want to take her back? Do you truly care for her? Or is it because you're lonely, or afraid you'll never meet anybody else?
Are you willing to settle for a marginal relationship just to be going out with a woman? Or have you lost status from the breakup and need to regain it? Or are you just desperate for sex?

The more unemotional you can be when you make your decision, the greater the chance you'll make the right one. By calmly assessing the situation and asking yourself the right questions, you can avoid jumping back into a relationship that's less than what you deserve.


WHAT ARE MY ADVICE TO YOU?

I suggest you move on with your life from now on, maybe call her once every few months to let her know how well you doing, and how many girls you are dating. Don't talk about heavy things, and don't mention anything about what happened. Just be casual.

Always let her know you're with someone else, by then, she'll be dying for you to get back with her. Jealousy is powerful . It's far more powerful than most people suspect.

A situation where girl "A" didn't have any feelings for you until she saw you with girl "B" is the rule , not the exception.


Trying to "get her back" is a losing game in most situations, because the act alone suggests that you're needy.

In conclusion, move on. Dont let the past haunt you again. You heared the talk, now do the walk.

-CC

 

[frivolousz21]

After finding this site I realized I made tons of mistakes.

and they are??

 

[fortminor]

here were my mistakes since you ask

After we got engaged after the first year I kinda got a little lazy. We bought a house together and had all the things a married couple would have. I thought OK this is the person I am going to be with from now on so we acted married. We were really clingy on each other and were pretty much together 24/7. Trust me thats a bad idea if you live with each other. She said that I didn't "challenge" her anymore and she was right. I thought hey she's got a rock on her finger so she ain't going anywhere. I guess my advice to anyone that gets engaged is that ring doesn't mean a damn thing really. Its nice initially but you still have to keep things interesting and challenge her otherwise she will get bored with things. Basically when she talked to her girlfriends who where single and going clubbing and having a blast she probably thought she was missing out on a lot by being engaged at such a young age. FYI she just turned 22. More advice for everyone out there...It doesn't matter how good things are going with a girl or how good you treat each other, or how perfect you guys are for each other. Girls are fricken so unpredictable that they can leave you just like that and not give a damn what they do to you. Bottom line is worry about yourself before anyone else. I don't care how perfect she is, she will screw you over just like that. Reamain a challenge, keep things interesting, spend time apart being your own person.

 

[frivolousz21]

FYI she just turned 22.

this means she was 17/18..when u got engaged.....

she didnt get 18 to 21 to explore.


no engagements until 20 or up